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Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
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1:32p
Mmm. Today isn't going so badly, after all.
My main tutor, Kelly, just came by. She had bunches of papers to give me from various classes and an entirely different textbook for my literature class. I was worried about telling her what a hard time I've had concentrating on reading material this week, but she was very understanding. She went over what I can be working on when she's not here, and we got into a discussion about the death of parents.
Her mom died was she was very young. She said it's one of those things that you think you heal from, but there's always a void. Kelly said especially when her son was born, she thought a lot about, What if I die?
I don't remember if I mentioned this here or not, but a few weeks ago, my dad told me that not only am I the age he was when my grandpa died- my dad is also now the age my grandpa was when my dad was born.
What a weird coincidence.
Serenaded the girlfriend to sleep last night. Okay, not really. But I did reveal my past love of pop music, and I did get so into the memories that I ended up singing along to Faded. Hey, it's a catchy song. Makes me think of Aracelli. I wonder how she's doing. She always thought the main guy was so cute.
The wake for Kathy's mom got moved to this evening. David has to go to another wake for his uncle first, but he'll be back in time for the last part of the wake. I've thought so much about death in the past six months - because of the way my grandpa died, because of my mom's suicide attempts - that this feels kind of inevitable. I guess I expected someone to die. But I wish it weren't Kathy's mom. I don't know who I wish it were, but I wish it were anyone but Kathy's mom.
current mood: thoughtful
current music: Gravity -- SoulDecision (I know!) (comment on this)
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2:54p
Apparently I uninstalled Soulseek, somehow. I have an idea of when, but it doesn't make much sense.
More nightmares last night. Luckily, these were less reality-based than normal. I dreamed that I had to pretend to be dead so that someone wouldn't kill me. So I pretended. But the someone found me anyway. Knife fights ensued. There was a brief cameo by Ani Difranco. Unfortunately, she was helping the other side. I thought I had won, at one point. I sank to the floor in relief, only to be confronted by someone with more knives and a machine gun.
I don't like to wake up feeling like my heart is pounding when it's not. I'd rather my heart actually pound because at least that feeling goes away. But the phantom pounding hasn't gone away yet today and I've been awake for more than four hours.
Also in my dream, I met a couple of my aunts and uncles for dinner at a fancy restaurant. There was drama and anxiety, but I don't really remember why. Maybe I was bringing a date? I don't think most of those aunts and uncles know about the gayness. I don't see them often enough to make a point of telling them. I wonder when I will.
David is supposedly taking me out to dinner tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to it. Should be fun.
And I'm looking forward to seeing my girlfriend again. So far, we're thinking of the weekend of my Spring Break - because our breaks don't align. Unfortunately. My mom keeps asking me when Kristin's coming back, so I told her yesterday. That long? she asked. Hee. I like how the family loves her.
current mood: pleased
current music: Lay It Down -- Cowboy Junkies (3 comments |comment on this)
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