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Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
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2:11a
My friend's mom died today.
I think I met the woman... three times, maybe. My friend told me later that her parents remember me as "that girl who smiles a lot." She said they liked that about me.
I want her to be alive. I want to go see her, I want to live in her house, I want to smile all the time. I could sleep in Kathy's room and hug her while she sleeps. I'd wake up at five in the morning to study with her for finals.
Her mom could teach me how to make Chinese food and how to speak Chinese and what's polite in a Chinese household.
Why do I get this way when I see unfortunate things happening? Like the beautiful girl at Wendy's, the one who works the register and has Scarlett Johansson's lips, the one who is pregnant and boyfriend-less. Every time I see her, I want to touch her lips and take her home with me. Cook her meals and rub her feet. Learn how to be a midwife and help nurse the baby.
I don't know what it is. I can't do anything to make it better. I even want to help John #1. He suffers pretty badly from depression and low self-esteem. Supposedly I'm going to see him Thursday night. I don't want to see him. He'll either ignore me like last time or he'll say something and it'll be incredibly awkward and strained. But a part of me wants to throw myself in his arms and tell him he's not a failure, he's not a bad person or a bad father. If he could be happy, I'd be happy for him. I would.
current mood: anxious
current music: Person Person -- Mirah (30 comments |comment on this)
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3:04a
Where the fuck is my toothbrush?
current mood: aggravated (comment on this)
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1:41p
I've had nightmares since I was five years old. My dreams go in cycles. I'll have them every night for months, and then I won't dream at all for twice as long.
When I was five, it was easy. I dreamed of spiders. Small spiders who rained on my legs like confetti. Long-legged spiders who balleted down my body. Thick, hairy spiders who put all eight of their feet on my face at once, who got tangled in my hair, whose (relatively) heavy bodies hovered over my eyes until I would look.
To get rid of the nightmares, it was easy. I made up a mantra. I will not dream tonight, I chanted in my head over and over again. Images slipped between the spaces of the words. On good nights, I thought of numbers. X dreams per night at Y nights per week equals Z dreams per week. I loved numbers, even then. They comforted me. But on bad nights, it wasn't numbers slipping between the cracks. I saw spiders. Dangling on silk threads above my head. Legging all over the words I was chanting. I will not dream tonight. Spiders crawled over those letters, taunting me. You can't keep them away, stupid,I muttered bitterly in the night.
The first cycle of nightmares that I remember was just before I started kindergarten. I had another string in the weeks before and after changing schools in third grade. From fifth grade to some point in middle school, I dreamed about my parents. If I dreamed about my dad, he was spiraling further into hedonism. If I dreamed about my mom, she was having loud, scarring sex.
I don't remember my cycles after that. I've been in one for the past eight months or so. My dreams now aren't as easily classified as nightmares. It's more that they are unsettling, unnerving, disturbing. They often tie into reality somehow. They are often ridiculous.
Last night, I dreamed that Ali was participating in some sort of sporting event this afternoon. I was watching with my mom. John #1 was pacing near us. When he was out of earshot, I told my mom that Courtney was coming with us to the band concert tomorrow night. He came back just as my mom repeated something about bringing a friend.
He made eye contact with me and asked, What kind of friend? I raised my chin defiantly. He didn't deserve an answer. He didn't wait for one. If you know what's best for my little boy, he told me, you won't try anything with your 'friend' in front of us.
Fuck you, I said. I wanted to cry and tell him that was stupid. Courtney is just a friend. I wanted him to take it back. I didn't want him to say that any signs of my sexuality were damaging to his son. I wanted him to say that wasn't why he let me go.
But he didn't say any of that and I didn't cry in front of him. He muttered something and I left. He looked at Ali, he said, I'm just protecting you and your brother. She didn't defend me.
I ran to Agnes and sat, sobbing. He can be whatever kind of parent he wants to be to Ali and John Ross, but he's nothing to me. Less than nothing.
current mood: unnerved
current music: Bloody Motherfucking Asshole -- Martha Wainwright (comment on this)
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2:48p
Also, I dreamed last night that Jasmin called me. She was pregnant, engaged to be married to Matt, and having hot, stoned sex with Corey.
I thought, Oh thank god I'm with Kristin.
I also dreamed I was staying at a hotel for some sort of conference. My mom and John were in the room next to me. Ali was on their other side. I woke up in the dark before dawn to get her ready for school. In the evenings, we had parties near the pool.
I slow danced with a girl who was tall and slender. She had inky, curly hair and chai-colored skin. She smelled wonderfully. I told her we'd be great together if I weren't already taken. When I hugged her goodbye, her body was different. She was shorter than me with wet, red hair. But she smelled the same, like chlorine and lavender.
current mood: okay
current music: Jerusalem -- Mirah (comment on this)
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5:05p - I learned to laugh through my tears.
Good things -
- I wrote something for Kristin that "made her day"
- did some chores around the house, am feeling productive
- caught two episodes of Law & Order on television
- studied the Statistics book, love love love math
- I see Courtney tomorrow night
- Over the Rhine
Bad things -
- friendship? uh, take a few lessons
- death = bad
- dinner with my dad tonight, haven't heard from him since last week
- starting to lose my patience
- body = sore
current mood: mostly okay
current music: Born -- Over the Rhine (5 comments |comment on this)
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9:29p
My dad wasn't mad at me last week!
He's had the FLU.
I've never been so excited about illness before.
current mood: He's not mad at me!
current music: Born -- Over the Rhine (1 comment |comment on this)
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