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Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
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1:22a
Dizziness and restlessness do not make a good match. I've fallen over three times. Once in the bathroom and twice on the stairs. With my arm, every position feels uncomfortable, but every time that I move, the world spins. I can't read because the words swim on the page.
My mouth keeps watering. It tastes like salt and I feel disgusting. That's the way my mouth waters just before I throw up, so I stand over toilets and trash cans. I can only dribble out the excess spit. I know it's excess because of the way it falls out of my mouth. It doesn't hang or drip. It falls.
I'm hurting Hannah. She's lashing out at me. Kristin gets angry and offers me protective phone calls. David defends my character. But I'm hurting Hannah and that hurts me. Only I can't make it better right now.
I don't know how much to tell my mom about the way I'm feeling. If I don't say anything, my family will think I'm making it up when I finally do say something. But if I say something now, they'll think I'm exaggerating. John and Ali still think I'm faking my sprained arm. I told Kristin they don't believe me and she said, Well, if you're faking them, you're faking me too.
My mom yelled, Hi sweetheart! to Kristin when we were on the phone the other night.
We've been dating for two months now. I can't think of anything nicer.
She read to me tonight when I wasn't feeling well. She reads quickly, kind of self-consciously. I like that I sense her personality through her voice, whatever she says. I like her voice. It's a girl's voice, but it's not high-pitched. When we first talked, I heard a slight Southern accent. I don't hear it anymore. When she smiles, I know it. She laughs a lot. Hearing her makes me happy.
We're trying to figure out a good date for another visit. I hope it's soon. I miss the way she cards her fingers through my hair when I lay with my head in her lap.
current mood: sick
current music: The Million You Never Made -- Ani Difranco (3 comments |comment on this)
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5:36p
Taking the dog outside is like wandering the Dark Forest with my pet hog, hunting for truffles. She never pees. She keeps her nose to the ground, sniff sniff sniffing.
Again I feel insane. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of covering it up. I can feel water sloshing around my brain. My eyes aren't wanting to focus on anything. There's no grace to anything I do. I stumble all over the house.
It made me feel nauseous, but I read myself to sleep last night. I hate being alone when I feel like I'm crazy. I start thinking to myself. I carry on one-sided conversations. None of it makes sense. I read Fingersmith, the same pages over and over again, until it made me cry. I read The Beauty of the Husband to the cat in a soft voice. She wanted to lay on top of me but that made me feel sick, so she curled into my side.
I held conversations with the people I keep in my head. My sister, Kristin, Piper, Logan, Mrs. Martinez. Ali was mad at me for some reason. Kristin kissed my forehead and said, I don't know why I'm so affectionate today. Logan wanted me to drive him somewhere. He asked me a question I didn't understand. Piper didn't want me to say anything. Mrs. Martinez was quoting Thoreau.
I wanted to watch Tipping the Velvet but my player was being weird. I bought the DVD in France, but I've watched the movie several times on this DVD player. Last night, for the first time, it refused to play the disk. I don't understand.
current mood: getting ready for math
current music: Marrow -- Ani Difranco (10 comments |comment on this)
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6:37p
Well.
That was a waste.
My math tutor came by this evening. She hasn't looked at statistics since she graduated. Smart woman. Remembers nothing about statistics. I was explaining the book to her.
Oi.
current mood: tired (3 comments |comment on this)
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10:35p
I want it I want it I want it I want it I want it.
If you pre-order the new Over the Rhine cd, it comes autographed.
Eee.
[ETA: Oh my god. It's Beautiful. AND. This song? It's beautiful too. Eee.]
[ETA2:
Me: No. :-P It's silly, but I feel like people should only get me things if I can get them in return.
Kristin: You bought me lingerie.
Kristin: Also, I am halfway through the checkout process. :-D
Me: *grins* Brat.]
current mood: *needs a credit card*
current music: I Radio Heaven (Original Demo) -- Over the Rhine (comment on this)
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