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Saturday, February 19th, 2005
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3:40a - Trying to disappear.
I saw my mother's psychiatrist yesterday morning. He diagnosed me with major depression. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know that I haven't felt as happy lately as I normally feel - but I thought the anxiety was the overwhelming feeling. The other emotions - the withdrawal, the silence - I think those are normal. If this is depression, I've lived my life depressed. And I've liked my life.
Anyway. He doubled my dosage of Lexapro and asked that I go into counseling. He also granted me six weeks of homebound study. That means I'll have a tutor to keep me up in my classes.
It's almost four in the morning. Kristin is sleeping, but I'm awake and a little restless. I felt her body shudder. There is a rythym to her movements as she falls asleep. I count to it. Full body, hips, legs, shoulders. I could set a clock or choreograph a dance. I think about math problems, fractions in their lowest terms.
This will be the fourth time in a week that we will have slept together. Saturday and Sunday morning at my house. Last night and this night in her dorm.
Last night, she called herself fat so I stood up and told her to take off her pants. She looked at me like I was crazy. No, really, take them off, I said. She rolled onto her back.
I'm not going to help you, she said, but you can take them off. So I did. With only a little help from her. I had to ask her to lift her hips.
When the pants were off, I slid my legs into them. They fit. They were a little loose, but they fit. I told her if she was calling herself fat, she was calling me fat. She said the weight looks different on me. I don't know that it does, but I do know that we are both beautiful. I have a strong, soft looking body and she has a rounded, powerful body.
Mrs. Martinez called me yesterday afternoon. We didn't talk for long. She said I sounded stressed and unhealthy. She said she wants to be my friend. I need to call her back. She called again this afternoon while Kristin and I were walking around the College Mall. She left me a message that said, I don't want to bug you, but... It made me smile. I really need to call her back.
Is this what depression is like? I feel like I should know the answer. I've seen a lot of depression. I've felt it. Why can't I decide whether or not I feel it now? I don't feel particularly sad. Just calm and empty. Restless and out of energy. My body, my mind - they're telling me something. I wish I spoke better me.
My mom and I listened to Patti Rothberg on the way to the psychiatry appointment yesterday morning. Up Against The Wall. Trying hard to keep control and lead the way.
Should I be trying to keep control? I don't feel like I have the time to shut down - regarding school. I don't feel good or healthy. I think the only thing I need is time, but I don't feel like I have time. The question I keep asking myself is - which will be better? Suppression or indulgence? Which is going to hurt me more in the long run? I'm not sure that there is an answer.
I don't like feeling like I can't make myself do something. On Tuesday, I was really going to go to school. When my mom came in my room at seven, I hadn't slept all night. And I didn't want to go. The force of not wanting, of needing not to, was one of the strongest emotions I've ever experienced. Part of me wanted to sit up, to get up and get dressed. My brain, my eyes hurt. It felt like I was pushing against a brick wall with all the exuberance of someone who thinks it might move if they just try.
I cried. Hard. Twice.
I can make myself do anything. It used to be that way. Now it seems like I can't make myself do anything, feel anything other than whatever my subconscious intends. I feel weak. Overpowered by the self.
current mood: tired
current music: Up Against The Wall -- Patti Rothberg (2 comments |comment on this)
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