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Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
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2:26p
Why is there no But I'm A Cheerleader fic?
(7 comments |comment on this)
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8:30p
Stolen from Cara.
If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, would you please post a memory of me? It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened. Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you!
current mood: curious
current music: Dumb -- Garbage (6 comments |comment on this)
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8:49p
Here is the evolution of my anger.
My body feels so manipulated.
She pushed me for ages to get on something, to take something, take the easy way and make myself better. I was so firm. I told her no. I said, I have enough variables affecting me, I don't need any more. I was so firm.
And then I got to the doctor's office, and yeah, she made it sound good. And I felt defeated, but almost happily so. I wasn't going to worry. I was going to be just fine.
But now my mind is running in these disgusting circles of doubt and criticism. Yesterday I didn't take my pill and then I couldn't sleep. It was two-thirty in the morning and I just wanted to go to bed. I got up and took the pill. But I still didn't sleep.
I laid awake until six in the morning. I wasn't thinking. I wasn't doing anything. I was on my back and both of my bedroom windows were open. My legs were kind of cold but the cold was nice. It created ambience that I liked.
I don't even remember those three-and-a-half hours. I remember John opening my door to let the cat in, the grey morning light fogging in my windows, my eyes clear and blinking upward at his apologetic face. That was at six. I don't remember after that because I fell asleep then. And I fell asleep hard.
I woke up and the afternoon was gone. I don't have a life. I don't even have an academic career because of this drug, because I was too weak to say no again. I hate myself so much right now. I knew this was something I didn't want and I let myself get taken into that spell that the doctor wove, with her greying hair and her chipmunk dimples and her seeming frankness.
I've got these weird aches and pains. I don't know what they're about. My side hurts. My head still feels like the bones have constricted while the brain has swelled. I don't know if that's true. I think it could be.
I weirded out on Kristin last night and I feel guilty for that. I know it's the hormones. It's the hormones and the hyper-sensitivity and the yo-yoing of my sleep cycle. But it was still me that weirded out on her. I see her next Friday and I'm so happy about seeing her. I am going to throw myself into her arms.
I'm trying to convince Ali to have dinner with us one night. I'm also considering asking Mrs. Martinez to lunch. I think it'd be really great if Kristin and Mrs. Martinez could meet each other. Kristin's got the most fantastic sense of humor. And Mrs. Martinez is one of my favorite people. I could show them both off.
current music: I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane -- Jewel (comment on this)
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