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Sunday, January 30th, 2005
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5:06p
I am in the process of baking brownies for my mother and a special cake for Ms. Blom's birthday tomorrow.
You know the thing I don't understand about my family is that I can do really, really nice things for them for weeks, but the day I want time to myself is the day they complain that I ignore them and don't care about them. I got yelled at for not cuddling my mom yesterday. Thursday night, my sister spent dinner insulting me and reminding my parents of things I've done in the past to upset them- and when I told her after the meal that I didn't want to play video games with her, she ran to my mom crying and my mom accused me of being cruel.
John and my mom are in Chicago for the afternoon, visiting his family. I was out to breakfast with my dad when they left. I didn't take my Lexapro last night, so I'm feeling slightly strange. My head feels like it's twitching and my body sways every few minutes.
After my dad and I ate breakfast, he started talking about animals who eat mosquitoes. How many mosquitoes does it take to make a burger? There's no meat. What do they eat? The legs? There's no meat.
That, folks, is why I love my dad.
I also love him because he does things like giving oil to Agnes and making sure I have enough wiper fluid. He was going to change my wiper blades this afternoon, too, but he couldn't figure out how. He mumbled a few words about being a man. I think men are too hard on themselves. I love when my dad does little things for my car. He cleaned my windshield while I was pumping gas after breakfast. It's one of the ways in which he shows his affection, maintaining my safety.
Ms. Blom's cake is in the refrigerator now. I have to make the frosting still. I also have to cut my mother's brownies and put them on a plate. I took the trash out a few minutes ago and washed up the dishes. I think I'll make the frosting, cut the brownies and then wash up those dishes- before I dry the rest of the dishes and put them away.
I had a dream two nights ago that Aunt Kathy and I were wandering through downtown Geneva- which means we ended up in The Little Traveler. We entered through a back entrance that I think is based on real life but does not actually exist. We walked through the restaurant portion and then through the greenhouse room and then- we were in the jewelry department, which is where Grandma Dottie works part-time in real life. Grandma Dottie is John #1's mother.
Dottie and Aunt Kathy exchanged polite questions without really answering each other. Aunt Kathy was very much in character with herself. I remember her purse from the dream. It looked like something she would carry in real life. Dottie looked less defined. The skin beneath her chin hung like a hammock. She looked at me a couple of times.
I led Aunt Kathy out of the store. Our path out was actually, I think- haven't been there in years, but- the same path we'd take in real life to exit the store. From the jewelry department to the strange clothing department, through the coffee room into the giant candy room and then out.
My father was waiting for us in the candy room, which also served as a sort of convenience shop in the dream. He wanted to buy me a purple bicycle. It was transparent and it was too small for me. They sold diapers from refrigerated cases.
I also had a dream that I lived about 25 minutes away from Kristin and we went to separate colleges, but we slept together every night. We would work out ahead of time who had class the earliest and then sleep in her dormroom. The beds were small, but we would curl into each other. I remember feeling safe and cocooned. Peaceful and sweet.
I had another dream that Kristin sang me Sandalwood.
But she would be spoiling me then. She already spoils me. The other day, after I dreamed about Caitlin and Kit, I was rambling and crying and upset- she called me and we talked all afternoon. While I explained what was wrong, she listened. She also looked online for effects of Lexapro on menstrual hormones. She read me several pages from Girl Walking Backwards and said things just to make me laugh.
She says that half the time when I'm laughing, she laughs just because it makes her happy to hear me. The other day we were talking about our mutual love for the Golden Girls- I fancy Rose, Kristin said she likes Dorothy's wit and wants to grow up to be like Sophia. She started telling a Sophiaesque story and referred to herself as a young, beautiful lesbian. It made me grin. Kristin never calls herself beautiful.
( She is, though. )
I ran errands by myself this afternoon. Kind of made me miss my parents. It's weird to think in a few months I'll be doing everything by myself. I turned the music up louder when I started to get sad. Who can be sad when they're shouting along to Sleater-Kinney? If Ali had been with me, she would have shouted too. She loves 'Dance Song '97'. The coolest song ever, of course.
I went to the grocery store to buy cake pans and my other baking supplies. Then I went to Borders to look for the book that I want for Kristin. I used to have a copy of it, but I think I gave it away. It's one of my favorite books. I sent it to Jasmin for her to read when we were dating. Kristin will appreciate it more. The book is about a teenage werewolf who is a girl. Mrs. Prozcko used to rave about it. The same author wrote a neat book about a vampire that made me cry a few times, but the werewolf book is better.
Borders didn't have the book in stock. Which is okay because Kristin won't be here for two weeks and that gives me a chance to order the book in hardcover instead of paperback, which I know the store usually stocks.
Our one-month anniversary is Monday/Tuesday.
While I was out, I also bought myself an iced chai and picked up Mexican for lunch. I got my usual, which is Spanish rice and refried beans- I was going to get a small order of chips and salsa too, but I decided on the medium order so that my parents can have some too, after they're home tonight.
I know a lot of times that my parents are ridiculous about the way they criticize me, but I really think they believe I don't do enough for them.
I started a poem the other day. When I am finished, it is going to be the most magnificent love letter ever written. I work on it every second I'm not doing something else. I refuse to stop until it's perfect. I'm also writing a Gretel poem. I'm not sure when that will be finished. The love poem comes first.
I was talking to Hannah on the phone last night and she said to me, This is going to sound weird, but... I think I'm going through puberty.
Am currently humming '#1 Crush,' had Radiohead and 'True Love Waits' playing on repeat for a while earlier. Am feeling very predatory and loving and attentive.
Mrow.
current mood: content
current music: #1 Crush -- Garbage (comment on this)
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7:51p - I would die for you.
I have finished all of my chores around the house.
My mom will be home soon. She doesn't know about any of it. I wish this would make her happy with me, but I don't think it will.
current mood: disappointed
current music: #1 Crush -- Garbage (1 comment |comment on this)
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