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Friday, January 28th, 2005
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12:40p
*kicks stuff* Fucking drugs are fucking fucking up my fucking body. Fuck.
I am used to running on four-five hours of sleep a night. I am used to that and that is the schedule I prefer. I get out of bed at seven, I go to school. I come home. I spend time with my family. I like the time when they go to sleep. I read things. Around two, I crash.
Then I wake up and do it again. That is the schedule I like. I have my school, I have my family, I have my alone time.
But I've been on Lexapro for almost four weeks now and it's fucking me up. It's true that I don't feel depressed and that I feel much less anxiety, but my sleep pattern is so off. I fall asleep at least two-three hours before normal every night, getting seven-nine hours of sleep and I still can't get up in the morning. I go through my day planning when I can sleep again. I sleep for hours after school and I still fall asleep early every night.
My mom shook me this morning; my sister slapped me across the face. I didn't wake up. My mom yelled at me and threatened to ground me. I didn't wake up. I'm not in control of this. I'm so asleep sometimes I can't control my body. She's taken so many prescriptions. Why doesn't she understand?
Why doesn't she understand?
current mood: confused
current music: Soft Shoulder -- Ani Difranco (4 comments |comment on this)
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8:26p
Commonly craves blood and babies. Eggs with yolk intact and twice-peeled oranges. Entwined fingers and being fucked inside out. Loves her girlfriend's smile, apologies out of nowhere, cuddling with her little sister in public. Frequently suffers from weird elaborate dreams and wanderlust. Wants multiple tattoos and a career in poetry.
Needs physical signs of affection and the company of unreasonable girls. Trusts herself implicitly and few others. Likes to get her heart broken and loves long-term. Dreams of Ginny Weasley and Gretel of fairy tale fame. Is haunted by math problems. Is amused by her very not-butch girlfriend's attempts to be gangsta. Giggles frequently.
Upsets herself in fits. Picks at her nails. Tries to keep hands and lips soft. Plays often with her own breasts.
Loves girls who have thighs. Scatters books all over her bedroom. Has obscenely close relationship with her cat. Spends a lot of time with blankets. Has named her car. Makes lists of people she has loved and touched. Fantasizes about the future. Will probably go gray. Can't wait.
Loves the sun. Loves the moon more.
(2 comments |comment on this)
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11:43p
Me: Where did my shy girlfriend go?
Kristin: She's getting down with her bad self.
current mood: permanently amused
current music: Elegia - K's Choice (comment on this)
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