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Thursday, January 27th, 2005
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2:59p
It's because of the bleeding. This is the week for which I've been waiting. I can feel everything draining out of me. Anything I take in flows down. My body is pushing. Downdowndown.
This is the week for which I've been waiting. Why do I wait for something that makes me feel sick? I drove my sister to school today and then I drove myself to school. The time on the clock when I parked was 7:22. I shut off the car and reached into the backseat for my bookbag. I have one of those messenger bags, it's from the Museum of Contemporary Art and it reads Fear No Art across the bottom of the black flap in white letters. I grabbed my bag and then I wrapped my fingers around the door handle.
But I didn't get out.
I restarted the car and drove home.
My head feels like it's all made of bone. My skull has thickened and my brain has grown and there isn't enough room. There isn't enough room. I feel nauseous and narcoleptic. My cunt aches.
This is the week for which I've been waiting. So why am I unhappy? I start putting up with less. This is the one week where I don't automatically take everyone's shit.
I had another dream about Caitlin. I dreamed about her one day last week too. Why do I keep dreaming about her? Why now? Before first semester ended, there was a day in Anatomy when Rita was absent. Caitlin and I were reminding each other of memorable events from the span of our friendship and Jackie was listening, probably not following anything. At some point, Jackie asked if there were any other stories we weren't sharing and Caitlin made eye contact with me. Yes, there are stories we aren't sharing. But at least now I know Caitlin hasn't forgotten.
The dream began with me carrying a sledgehammer around a smaller version of downtown Aurora. My dad stopped at a liquor store. I almost hit a homeless man. It was dark.
Then I was in a closet with Tracy Chomiak and someone else, another girl. I was writing on the walls. Tracy and the other girl were tense. I think someone was coming for us. I was writing frantically. Everything I was writing was about Caitlin. Tracy was jealous. I wrote CC and SL and I was hurt, because Caitlin didn't love me. I wrote more frantically. I started writing Kit and then I was confused because I was still talking about Caitlin, but apparently I was calling her Kit. There was a pronunciation difference that I don't quite remember. I saw Kit's face. On the ceiling of the closet, I drew a heart with CC and SL written inside and next to it, I wrote WHY ARE YOU THINKING OF HER WHEN SHE DOESN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU WHEN YOU ARE THE ONLY TWO IN THE ROOM?
I really think I need to deal with the fact that Caitlin stopped being my friend. We grew apart. It was middle school. I loved everything about her. Then she had better friends and that was that. There's no reason for me to keep feeling haunted by her.
And no reason for me to align her with Kit in my dreams.
Gah I want my girlfriend. Kristin will make me feel better. I want to feel her arms around me again. Everything feels so good with her. I was telling Mrs. Martinez about Kristin yesterday and I couldn't keep a smile off my face. Ali gave Kristin a set of questions the other day, for Kristin to fill out so that Ali could grade her on her appropriateness for me to date. She passed with flying colors. Which didn't surprise me, because she's absolutely perfect for me. She wants to have my cat.
current mood: weird
current music: Junkie - Poe (8 comments |comment on this)
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