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Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
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12:33a
Kristin responds to my last entry; I have a big smile on my face.
Why? Because of -
1. I'm sorry about your friends. And your mom. And I hope things get better
soon. And I hope you have fun tomorrow with David. I haven't heard much about
Mean Girls, but I get the feeling that if it's not good it'll be bad-funny which
is almost the same as good, so.
2. I love you.
3. I confess to a moment of relief when you first told me you liked scars in
addition to stretch marks. I have a lot. Including a rather large batch that
you either didn't see or didn't comment on, so.
4. You did respond when I asked if you wanted me dressed or undressed. Not
explicitly, but you circled around telling me that you wanted me undressed, so.
5. Ending sentences with 'so' is fun.
6. I love you.
7. MmmHarryPotterhair.
8. Do you remember in the middle of the night when I woke up, moved, woke you
up, told you I was cold, and then you launched yourself at me to warm me up?
Even though the memory is vague, that was a nice moment.
9. I despise the Mason bump.
10. Did I mention that I love you? 'Cause, yeah.
current mood: loved
current music: Sweepstakes Prize -- Mirah (comment on this)
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2:13p
My girlfriend impresses me every day. It's been a while since I've been so impressed. I say that a lot with her- It's been a while since- and every time, I speak the truth.
I think she's the most resourceful person I know. She didn't have a chance to watch the Italian movie she had to watch for one of her classes- so what does she do? She downloads the subtitles. Mention anything about traveling and she has a map out in seconds. She researches for me in the dictionary. What does palimpsest mean? How do you pronounce that? When I left the directions to IU at home, she led me to her.
She says that she writes slowly, but damn, write as slowly as you want when the outcome is as stunning as this.
I've been thinking a lot about death lately. I'm solaced every time my mom makes it through a depression without killing herself, but the relief is always incomplete. She wants to. Not this time, not that I know of. But the desire lurks. She wants this life to be over.
I play this game sometimes, only it's not a game. I try to be nothing. I play in the bathtub, in my bed, while I drive. I play during conversations with others and during conversations with myself. I wonder if being dead would be like that, if being dead were like anything. Dying might hurt, it might not- but being dead must feel like nothing. What kind of nothing? Would it be a heavy nothing? An empty nothing?
I took my newspaper and my french final today. Newspaper was no fun. Blom made us do self-evaluations to determine our grades. A C meant you did everything you were supposed to do. I didn't do everything I was supposed to do.
French went better than I thought it would. Amanda and I made faces and laughed at each other from across the room. I guess she's not mad at me. The writing portion was over quickly. I chose the prompt that asked whether a happy family life or a lot of money was more important. I said the happy family life and then talked about my baby sister. Ali comes home in two days. I can't wait.
I was supposed to go to David's after school but I came home to check on my mom instead. She called me into her bedroom this morning before I left for school. She rubbed her fingers over the back of my hand. I'm really sick this time, she said. Her voice was already water-hoarse.
When I got home, she was on the computer, researching electric shock therapy. Her psychologist recommended shock therapy last week. She asked why I was home and To check on you slipped out before I could catch myself. She put her head against my stomach and I touched her hair.
A few minutes ago, she was eating an apple in the living room. I was eating ice cream. She came over and put tiny braids in my hair. Luckily she also fingercombed them out. She turned to go up the stairs and I yelled that I loved her. She turned around and I flashed her the 'I love you' hand symbol- thumb, index, pinky up- middle, ring down. I shouted, Rock on! and put my hand to my mouth, throwing it out like I was popping my elbow and blowing her the biggest kiss ever.
You've always been my silly girl, she said. It's true. I probably have notes somewhere addressed to Silly Sammi Girl. That's what she used to call me.
She leaned against the wall at the landing. Her face was half-hidden. Why do you take care of me? she said. I said because I love her, grinning, because that's the only reason that matters. Because I want her to smile. I want her to laugh. I want her guilt to lessen. I want her sadness to lift. I want her to want to live. Why do you love me? she asked.
Because you're my mommy. She wanted more. She asked if I'd love her if she weren't my mother. Why do I love her? What do I love about her? I climbed the stairs and sat against the wall beneath the window on the landing. The black tall lamp swayed beside me. She sat on the step that creaks, the one that I skip whenever I go upstairs or come downstairs.
She's done with school. She's going to quit working for a while too, until she's better. She feels extremely guilty and disappointing. I told her she can't live with guilt. You can't live a guilt-ridden life. I realized that this morning when she called me into her room. I felt like a let-down last night, but a person can't function feeling like that. So I told my mom she can't keep holding onto her guilt. She said she's always had it.
She's up in her room now, reading. I think it makes her happy and bothers her at the same time that I'm home now. She's been getting random urges to talk. I want her to have someone to tell. I think it's probably easier to live every time she opens her mouth.
Am considering counting hours until I see Kristin again. She's coming here the weekend of February 12th. I keep remembering her arms around me. The way they felt. I also keep remembering the shape of her thighs when she would get out of bed to get something. The way her hips swayed slightly when she walked. The gentleness of her stomach.
I made myself a subdued mix for the day.
( When I Fall. )
current mood: content
current music: Wish I May -- Ani Difranco (46 comments |comment on this)
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