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Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
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2:24p
Hannah is seventeen today. I think everyone should spoil her the way I was spoiled on my birthday. Actually, I was spoiled that entire week. I had such a great seventeenth. I was so exuberant.
I can remember the way all of that energy felt, but I can't quite bring it back. I wonder what finally wore me down last year.
My mom and I are both sick. She ate some toast earlier. It didn't stay in her system. I'm afraid to try toast because I gagged on a toasted turkey sandwich the other day. The thought of toast now. It makes me shudder in a bad way.
I told Kristin a story about Jasmin last night. She said, Why do all of your ex-girlfriends sound like such bitches? I laughed. And then I giggled. Laughing upset my stomach. I rolled over on the bed, still giggling. I told Kristin how much I love her. Later, I asked her what she wants from me. Whatever you're willing to give, she answered. I know that answer well. It's what I always tell girls who aren't as into me as I am into them. It's my trying to be brave and self-sufficient answer, and it's always a lie. I asked her again what she wants and that time, she answered, A long time.
My doctor asked the other day about my period. She was really pushing me to get on the pill. She told me a lot of girl my age take the pill for regulation. There was a time I would have appreciated regulation. The doctor pushed again. She told me it could make my bleeding less heavy. I don't want it less heavy and I don't want it regulated.
Am feeling the lack of bleeding this week acutely. Can't believe I have to wait another three weeks to feel that ache again. I want it. I want to bleed. My body feels empty, a little useless. Void. I have dreams of bleeding. Sometimes when I am awake and I close my eyes, I see a mouth hovering above my breast. I see imp-like fingers holding a razor blade and they make a cut between my breast and my collarbones. A rounded tongue and smooth lips lead drops of body from my blood. Blood from my body, I mean. I don't want to fix that typo. It is somehow more accurate. As long as my eyes are closed.
My right foot is resting on my left knee. I am inspecting the side of my heel. There are blue lines and smaller violet threads. I wonder what it is like inside of my body. Would I like it in there? I burrow so far inside of my mind sometimes. Why can't I burrow inside of my body?
I was laying on one of the couches across from my mom a little while ago. My lower back hurt. I brought my knees up to my chest. I was stretching my spine. I felt better but there was still a dull feeling.
I want to be at school, but I don't want to be throwing up there. One of my sports partners for newspaper just called. I am with a boy and a girl. Kristina and I were both gone Monday, I guess, and Robert lied to Ms. Blom saying he had our story done. Then when Kristina got back, Ms. Blom realized neither of them really had anything, so they're depending on me, but I don't have much either.
My eyes are starting to burn. I've got a migraine developing. This is my migraine season.
current mood: sore
current music: A Good Horse -- The Cardigans (5 comments |comment on this)
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