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Monday, January 3rd, 2005
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12:05a
Girl resets me. Clear mind, clear heart.
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10:43a
Did not want to go to sleep last night. Even after I got off the phone with the girlfriend, didn't want to go to sleep. I finished reading The Beauty of the Husband which was startlingly exquisite, but brought me no closer to sleep than I'd been. I thumbed through the other books lying across my bed. There is almost no room for me in the bed because there are so many books.
I tried to tire myself out with orgasms.
It kind of worked.
But I still didn't want to sleep.
I started having a mild anxiety attack yesterday morning. My mom asked me to drop Ali off at her dad's. I wish now I'd told her no, but I knew she knew how I've felt about John #1 lately and she asked me anyway, so I figured it must be important to her that I take Ali. The entire family was in the window. The brother I haven't touched in years, the stepmom... dad. Fuck. Agnes instantly felt claustrophobic and I couldn't look, couldn't look at anyone.
I accidentally started reversing before Ali was even out of the car. She laughed. Trying to leave without me? I mean, with me? It wasn't funny. It was accidental. I should have though. I should have left with her.
Because it might be selfish, but I need my baby sister right now.
Anyway, after I got home from dropping her off, I went back to bed. My mom came in and sat on the edge of the mattress and played with my hair. Was it alright that I asked you to take her home? I think I shrugged and rolled over.
My dad called around 11:15 to ask me to breakfast. I know how to navigate the streets so well. We do this all the time. He calls, I drive down the hill. He gets in the car, we turn, turn, turn again. Up another hill. It feels like I'm dreaming sometimes, when I'm driving.
It feels like I'm driving sometimes, when I'm dreaming.
I felt sick after breakfast. My head felt stunningly light and my body felt empty and nauseous. I went back to bed to get rid of the feeling. I was half-awake and dreaming for another four hours. I put my pillow over my face and slept. I slept with a book of poetry wrapped around my head. I slept with the blankets, without the blankets. If there is a position or a weird way of sleeping, I mastered it yesterday.
Hannah's birthday present is taking longer than I thought. That is a good thing, I think, because it means I am really working well on it.
Spent lots of evening time talking to my girlfriend. Kristin has never dated anyone. I don't want my history to make her nervous. I'm so excited about her. I feel like such a geek. But I'm so happy. She's an English major, with scientific leanings. She's afraid of spiders. She doesn't like onions. Is picky. And happy with me, I think. I sent her a link last night and she said she thinks I was wrong in the last paragraph, about no one wanting to know my mind this way.
I woke up this morning with the same extreme lightheadedness and sickening emptiness. My mom told me to take a bath to see if that would help, so I did, but it didn't. Every time the water moved over my stomach, I thought I was going to throw up. It feels like I can't catch my breath either. I don't know what to think. My mom made me a doctor's appointment.
current mood: curious
current music: Around This Corner -- Sarah Harmer (5 comments |comment on this)
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