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Monday, May 2nd, 2005
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19:59 pm
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| Monday, April 18th, 2005
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22:37 pm
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For various reasons, I have begun to resent updating this journal.
The only reason I have for keeping my journal is in order to document the events in my life - the major events, the minor events. But lately, I haven't felt at all free to document what's really going on in my life.
Some of the things I'm not saying are quite positive - most of what falls into this category regards Kristin. It's a strange feeling for me, wanting to keep the details private. If you've read my journal for any length, you'll know I previously documented just about everything there was to document in a relationship. Not so this time. And that's pretty much by choice.
But the other things, the ones that aren't positive. The negativity can't be lumped into one category so easily. Last Thursday, I wanted desperately to write about a distressing situation at school involving a friend of mine, but I couldn't. I've been fighting on and off with my mother lately, and I can't talk openly about that.
I've made another journal. It's all set up. I've friended the people on my current flist that I'd like to keep on that account. The journal is completely public; it is also not hard to find. As a word of reminder, I made the new account so that I could maintain my sense of freedom. Please, please, please don't infringe on that.
As long as we're clear about this, happy journaling, folks.
current mood: done
current music: Midnight Show -- The Killers
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what's so buried in me
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12:05 pm
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Drifted into consciousness with a panic attack this morning. I knew my alarm was going to go off. I knew that meant I needed to get ready for school.
But I couldn't catch my breath, and I couldn't make my heart slow down.
What causes panic?
What makes my head say, You can't go there today, you just can't go there today?
current mood: disappointed
current music: My Little Empire -- Manic Street Preachers
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1 grow out of you | what's so buried in me
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| Sunday, April 17th, 2005
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21:13 pm
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I'm convinced there's never been a more beautiful sight.
Her eyes shut, lifting gently open. The freckles scattered across the top of her cheeks. Her mouth at rest, neither moving nor between movement. She is content. She exists. She is lying next to me.
She cries when she tells me what I mean to her. I can see the tremble in her lips. I'm not sure that I've ever looked at anyone so closely. I know the way the lights hits her face when she's happy, the way it fades when she's not. I know the way she breathes when she wants me, the way her words shift when she's upset.
She knows things about me that aren't secrets. They're just observations. And yet, no one else has noticed before. When I close my eyes, I feel her fingers gliding over my skin. I feel her eyes pressing into me, pressing through me.
I feel her mouth, fitting in the groove of my lips.
current mood: missing
current music: We Float -- PJ Harvey
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what's so buried in me
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| Friday, April 15th, 2005
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19:26 pm
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Reply with your name and I'll tell you something I adore about you.
Then put this in your journal.
(Also, my mom roped Kristin into visiting me this weekend.
current mood: excited
current music: How Soon Is Now -- The Smiths
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3 grow out of you | what's so buried in me
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| Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
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11:45 am
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My girlfriend is really fucking hilarious, and somehow, loving at the same time.
Yesterday, when I wasn't online in the evening, Kristin decided to start browsing my exes' journals for mentions of me. Then she made an account on Blurty and started reading/commenting on my earliest posts. When I got online, I showed her Jasmin's old accounts. She hacked into her Xanga and left a new post.
She's the best.
[ETA: The post is taken down, but still. Mmm. Kristin.]
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1 grow out of you | what's so buried in me
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| Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
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11:44 am
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A friend of mine apologized to me this morning.
I really didn't see it coming, but she sat down next to me in the fieldhouse before class and said, I need to tell you I'm sorry, but I'm not sure that I have time now. Before you came back to school, I wanted to slap you. I compared what was happening in my life to yours and I thought, 'She has the perfect life, she's just making problems where there aren't any.' I thought, 'I didn't ask for anything to happen to me,' and I saw you as wanting something to be wrong that wasn't. That's what I thought. I'm sorry. I understand a lot better now.
She came up to me again after class. She said she needs to tell me something else.
current mood: touched, curious
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what's so buried in me
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