Blurty for Mallory.

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Wednesday, August 11th, 2004

Subject:good-bye, so long...
Time:10:24 pm.
This will be my last and final entry. I have moved to a livejournal. The username is clockwork_red for anyone who cares to read.'ve been good to me, but the time has come to say good-bye.

i <3 you all.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, August 8th, 2004

Time:11:21 pm.
Mood: crushed.
i had a bad day.

end of story.
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Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004

Subject:extreme boredom
Time:11:55 pm.
Mood: tired.
Music:air conditioner humming.
Name: mallory
Age: eighteen
Birthdate: 7/31
Zodiac Sign: leo...i just read something about leos today too
Location: home...where else?
Nickname: mal, mally-mal....we've downsized on the nicknames
Hair Color: blonde
Eye Color: green/gray/blue
Piercings: one in each ear, belly button
Tattoos: ankh---> back
Freckles: i think i've got like some small number *like 5* across my nose...but only in the summer
Wavy/Straight/Curly Hair:'s getting curlier every day too....i straightened it today though.
Hair Length: long
Color of Nails: n/a
Do you bare down hard when you write: yeah usually
What is on your keychain: keys to my old house, matt's dog tag that i've had forever *not actual dogtags*, purple mountain climbing clip thing, all attatched to one of those long things that i got from the recruiter at school that says something about the army.
Hobbies: shopping, writing, reading, dancing, partying
School: none...god i hate the sound of that. none. like i'm some high school drop out or i's ok lol
Have you ever worked for a resturaunt: yeah...subway
Do you have a pencil blister: it's more of a callus.
Do you have those little white marks under your nails: not really
How many: one maybe
Do you have long/short nails: short. i bite.
What are you wearing right now: duck shorts, red tank top
What time is it: 12:05
Date: 8/3


color: silver, red, black, pink
number: 17
radio station: 105.7, 96.9, 99.3
TV station: fuse, e!
Commercial: the one where the guy got his tongue stuck in the beaters from the brownie batter...haha that would so be my younger brother
Time of day: nightime
Subject: it was french
Teacher: mrs. jensen
Clothing Store: express, american eagle, ross
Shoe: doc martens

Jewelry: my blue ring, my silver xoxo ring, my new necklace, and my green necklace
State: maryland
Place to Be: the ocean
Fruit: bananas
Meat: chicken...but only if it's boneless
Veggie: black olives
Ice Cream: mint chocolate chip
Potato Chip: martins's jen's fault
Salad Dressing: ranch, italian
Fast Food Rest: Subway/arby's
Dine In: red robin, olive garden

Gas Station: sheetz
Candy: hot tamales
Bread: french
Grocery Store: wal-mart...the one stop shop lol
Dog: mine
Animal: tigers, ducks
Month: july, october
Season: summer and fall
Shape: lately i gravitate towards squares
Sense: smell
Shampoo: right now....coconut *it smells like suntan lotion, so i like to use it in the summer*
Toothpaste: aquafresh
Drink: apple juice
Alcoholic Beverage: white russian
Do you have a lucky number: 17, 117
Do you do drugs: no
Do you smoke: no
Do you drink: sometimes
Do you cuss: yes
Do you have a CD burner: no
Who do you hate: specifically? one person, only because this person is so pathetically lucky, i cannot stand it.
Who hates you: i don't care
How many buddies are on your buddy list: 131
How many are online right now: 20
Which ones are you talking to: warren, martin, felicia, yizzy
How do you know them: work, jen/corey, school, that order
What did you do yesterday: cleaned, went places with daddy and cody, came home, did laundry, went to work, went to walmart, came home, played battle of the sexes with cody and won, got online, went to bed
What did you do today:woke up, watched tv, cleaned, talked on the phone, got online. a whole lot of nothing...ohh put a shower in there after the "cleaned" lol
What are you doing tomorrow: no plans as of yet

What are you doing this weekend: work saturday until 3, hopefully see mike, before i hopefully meet up with krystal to go to a party, then work sunday
What did you do last weekend: birthday was saturday, saw mike on sunday
What are you gonna do when this is over: go to bed


Are you currently in love: yes
Have you ever been in love: well if i said yes to the first question, then wouldn't the answer to this one be yes, also?
Your Crush: mike
First Kiss: matt wentz
First Boyfriend/Girlfriend: matt wentz
Is there anyone that you would date again:yes
Do you believe in love at first sight: no


Your closest ones: alison, krystal, felicia, jen, jeff
The one that lives farthest away: kristyn, matt
The one that lives closest to you: jeff, eric
The tallest: jeff
Shortest: kristyn
Most Outgoing: alicia
you can trust the most: some with some things. no one with everything
One you've known the longest: karyn
Known the shortest: warren, brandi

the LAST

thing you ate: marshmallow
thing you drank: bottled water
thing you said: "who doesn't?"
person you saw:cody
person who called you: emmett
person you called: felicia
person you hugged:mom
person you kissed: mom
person to ride in your car: n/a
who's car you rode in: mom's
told you they loved you: My Mom
movie you watched: i robot.
person you gave the finger: i don't know....maybe someone on sunday as a joke
person who gave you the finger: i don't know
person you missed: warren...i haven't seen him in a while. he's fun
Number of continents I have visited: just this one
Number of boys I have kissed in my life: 29
Number of boys I have french kissed: 26
Number of girls I have kissed: 11
Number of girls I have french kissed: 6
Number of drugs taken illegally: 1
Number of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends: none
Number of piercings: 3
Number of tattoos: 1
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: 15
Number of scars on my body:i don't know
Number of times a person has made me scared of what they could do to me physically: a lot
Number of things in my past that I regret: 3
Last movie seen: love actually
Last movie in the theatre:anchorman
Last phone number called: felicia
Last show watched on tv: sex and the city
Last song heard: confessions part 2-usher

[ x ] Spell your first name backwards - yrollam
[ x ] The story behind your lj user name/email/aim/etc- Blurty --> old nickname...supermal and pixie girl defending carlisle one hoodlem at a time! lol

[ x ] Where do you live - at home
[ x ] 4 words that sum you up - original, fun, flirty, smart, crazy, obsessive compulsive

[ x ] Wallet - black leather with silver

[ x ] Hairbrush - silver metallic and black.
[ x ] Toothbrush - green.
[ x ] Pillow cover - right now white with dark pink roses with green
[ x ] Blanket - black
[ x ] Coffee cup - green
[ x ] Sunglasses - silver and metallic steve madden glasses
[ x ] Underwear - pink lace
[ x ] Shoes - black leather slip on doc martens
[ x ] Favorite top - black turtleneck tank top
[ x ] Cologne/Perfume - it's a secret :)
[ x ] CD in stereo right now - unwritten law...that's all i've got here that i feel like listening to
[ x ] Tattoos - ankh shaded in on the small of my back
[ x ] Piercings -ears, belly button
[ x ] Hair - straight, down
[ x ] Makeup - none
[ x ] In my head - im tired
[ x ] After this - bed
[ x ] Talking to - warren, emmett
[ x ] Eating - nothing
[ x ] If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason - i don't know...well i do...actually...someone who was at a party that one of my friends went to....*you know who!* she's just a waste of space on this planet
[ x ] Person you wish you could see right now - no one
[ x ] Is next to you - hair tie, charger for pocket pc
[ x ] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month - party this weekend, lynyrd skynyrd concert...possibly warped tour
[ x ] The last thing you ate - marshmallow
[ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of - poverty, co-habitation, love, least more of it
[ x ] Do you like candles - theyre ok i guess
[ x ] Do you like incense - its okay i guess
[ x ] Do you like the taste of blood - as long as it's my own, i don't mind.
[ x ] Do you believe in love - yes
[ x ] Do you believe in soul mates - ...i don't know
[ x ] Do you believe in love at first sight - No
[ x ] Do you believe in Heaven - no
[ x ] Do you believe in forgiveness - yes
[ x ] Do you believe in God - no
[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die - cremated and poured into the ocean
[ x ] Who is your worst enemy - I dont have one.
[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - nothing, i don't want any pets when i get older
[ x ] What is the latest you've ever stayed up -52 hours consecutively
[ x ] Ever been to Belgium - No
[ x ] Can you eat with chopsticks - yes and very well
[ x ] What's your favorite coin - quarter
[ x ] What are 5 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to - a secluded beach in maine
[ x ] What are some of your favorite pig out foods - ice cream, hot tamales, sunchips
[ x ] What's something that you wish people would understand - lots of things
[ x ] What's something you wish you could understand better - ^^
[ x ] Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time - matt
[ x ] What's one thing you want to make happen for tomorrow - go somewhere and have fun
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Saturday, July 31st, 2004

Time:9:31 pm.
Mood: listless.
Music:seeing red-unwritten law.
woohoo for mallory! woohoo for july 31! woohoo for 18!
today didn't exactly start out the best. mom, dad, and i had a talk about something and although things didn't turn out exactly the way i wanted, they aren't exactly horrible. i have some thinking to do, but the good thing is i get to make my own decisions now. it's kind of weird.

i had a great day after that. mom and i went into carlisle and although we didn't get our manicure, we bought some hot nails that we can do ourselves. we went to the clothes vine *of course. i haven't been there since last summer. plus, 18 is a big deal, so mom got me this awesome silver ring with a square cut bright blue stone *lapis or something like's gorgeous* and a silver necklace with a round pendant that almost looks's all silver too. then we went to some antique place where some creepy guy followed us...and then subway where we had lunch and dropped off carl's glasses which he left at home. brandon was surpisingly nice and told me i looked very cute in my skirt and actually said he missed me. yay mallory.

i have been thinking of getting a new haircut. i don't exactly know what though. something that would look good both wavy and straight. and i do NOT want it short. i like my hair length, i guess i just need a new style. just something to spruce things up. *shrugs* we'll see.

oh i almost forgot. my biological father sent me a card today. he told me he loves me and that my life is my own. he also said he wants to hear from me. *sigh* i...i don't know. i don't think i can think about that right now. god, i just turned 18 and already i have all these decisions to make that no one can help me with because they're mine. i don't know if i want help, i just want...i just want someone to rely on. i'm not strong enough for this. i'm not strong enough to deal with everything all at once...i don't even know if i can deal with it at small intervals. i just want someone to be there for me when i need them to be. when the hell does that happen? when the hell do i get to trust someone and love someone enough to let them? when the hell do i get someone who CAN do that for me...and wants to? when do i get someone who forces me to do what i need? when do i get my impossible dream of perfection?

there's too much going on right now. i can't handle it alone. i don't know if i can handle it at all.
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Subject:my birthday....and i love this song...
Time:1:11 am.
Mood: cheerful.
Music:the air conditioner.
okay i believe you, but my tommy gun don't-brand new

i am heaven sent,
don't you dare forget.
i am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
sorry i told. i just needed you to know.
i think in decimals and dollars.
i am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. we are never alone.
coordinate brain and mouth.
then ask me whats it like to have
myself so figured out.
i wish i knew..

i hope this song starts a craze.
the kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
the kind of song that makes people glad
to be where they are,
with whoever they're there with.
this is war.
every line is about,
who i don't wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something
they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
oh its so hard to have someone to love.
and keeping quiet is hard.
cuz you cant keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i was just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe, in us.

Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
we are entirely smooth.
we admit to the truth,
we are the best at what we do.
and these are the words you wish you wrote down.
this is the way you wish your voice sounds,
handsome and smart.
oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart.
and its all from watching tv,
and from speeding up my breathing.
wouldnt stop if i could.
oh it hurts to be this good.
you're holding on to your grudge.
oh it hurts to always have to be honest
with the one that you love.
oh, so let it go..

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i was just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe.
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i was just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe, in us.

this is the grace that only we can bestow.
this is the price you pay for loss of control.
this is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
this is the reason your alone,
this is the rise and the fall.

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i was just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe.
we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
i was just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe, in us.

on the way to maryland feesh and i went through and picked out all the arrogant parts in the song. i love it. this guy writes all his songs and is so insanely arrogant, but it's ok. his voice is so. so. so. hot. i never really liked brand new before. i never really like a lot of things to start with...*shrugs* oh well. i do now.

today is my birthday. it's almost 1 am, so i'm counting it. i'm 18 years old. i am now able to do the following:
*get arrested and thrown into prison*
*purchase cigarettes*
*get into a strip club*
*purchase pornography*
*pay taxes*
*get kicked out of my house*
*get a credit card*
*not be jailbait*
i don't know what the day brings. i really don't. i told mom she should do something special for me. i think i might coerce her into getting a manicure with me. i've never had one before. i would like one. i think my hands would look nice with a manicure. *nods head* i shall try.

wish me a happy birthday. i'll do the same for you.
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Thursday, July 29th, 2004

Subject:just another day
Time:9:39 pm.
Mood: moody.
Music:none. i left my cds in maryland..
I have returned to the ever lovely state of pennsylvania; much to my dismay. I forget how much i love maryland and every time i go down there, i never want to come back. our "vacation" was lots of fun. i bought a digital camera and took some pictures of felicia "out on the open road." i took a bunch of pictures of the beach, and even though it rained almost the whole time we were at the beach, it was beautiful. i got a little bag of shells/cute rocks from the beach for my mom since she collects them. we also went to this fair/carnival thing and had so much fun. we ended up hanging out with feesh's cousins kara and samantha *both are about 11 or 12* and they are so adorable. at the fair, we rode the tilt-a-whirl a million times, and the last time we all smushed into one car and spinned so much i thought i was going to throw up. we had sooo much fun!!! on the day we went to the beach, feesh and i also went to the christiana mall in delaware.'s.ass.

i got a pair of jeans and two polo shirts at american eagle *all of which are really cute* we also discovered 8 dollars in my purse at fye and tried to find someone to give us 2 that way we could buy the maroon 5 acoustic cd...
.....that didn't work out.
and might i just say, the boys in delaware look A LOT different than the boys in pennsylvania. it's almost as if they care more about their appearance. i did not see one boy who did not match or have his hair done...feesh said the boys look different, and i didn't understand, but they really do. we saw one boy wearing a "CBGB" shirt, tight pants, and a cute hat and i almost stopped to get a picture of him because he was so darn cute.

on a different note, last saturday night alicia, nate, mike and i all hung out. i forgot how much i missed being around him...just being around him. i really want everything to work out and i'm so afraid that it won't. i mean, i was in maryland and of course i was checking guys out, but it was just for the hell of it. i don't want anyone else and i can't even imagine being with anyone else.

my birthday is in two days. i will be 18. i was very excited about this until my dad and i got into a quarrel about it. i told him i was excited because then i wouldn't have a curfew and he told me as long as i lived in his house i would be home when he told me to and he didn't see any reason why i should be out later than 12 because he doesn't think there is anything to do. to me, this makes no sense. carl goes out and doesn't come in until 4 in the morning and no one says anything to him. granted, i probably won't stay out until 4 in the morning, but this is ridiculous. and so far the only person i know that is getting me a birthday present is the one person i didn't think would bother. i bet he is the only one who will buy me anything. we don't have enough money for mom and dad to buy me a present. i know this shouldn't upset me, but it does. this is a big deal. 18 is a big deal.
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Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
Time:12:51 am.
Mood: chipper.
Music:that song running through my head.
best of me-the starting line

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

here we lay again
on two separate beds
riding phone lines
to meet a familiar voice
and pictures drawn from memory
we reflect on miscommunication
and misunderstandings
and missing each other too
much to have had to let go

we turn our music down
and we whisper
say what your thinking right now
tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

jumping to conclusions
made me fall away from you
i'm so glad that the truth
has brought back together me and you

we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
say what your thinking outloud

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

we turn our music down
and we whisper
we're sitting on the ground
and we whisper
we turn our music down
we're sitting on the ground
and next time i'm in town
we will kiss girl
we will kiss girl

tell me what you thought about
when you were gone and so alone
the worst is over
you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont
feeling that we cant
we're not ready to give up

we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

i was watching fuse today *as i am everyday* and this music video came on and i remembered the song and i was like omg i f&%$ing love this here are the lyrics. it's hella sappy but the lead singer is so freaking hot...and his voice is just sooooo amazing. this song is just...awesome. if anyone gets the chance, buy the starting line cd...

and oooh ooh i almost forgot!!! kadie, rach, and britt *i think* are coming up for warped tour!!! they're gonna stay over here and since mom and dad will be in sturgis, i think i'm going to have a party....plans are unsure yet, but i am uber excited for warped tour for the obvious reasons, and because i haven't seen them in 2 years! i. am. stoked.

ps...the new taking back sunday cd comes out the 27th....
talk. about. exciting.

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Saturday, July 17th, 2004

Time:5:31 pm.
The t-shirts for the bike show are finally finished! Alicia is going to come and help me sell them *i hope i hope i hope* and probably stay the night too. It's been soo long since her and i have hung out, that we're both like, god it's about damn time. Her and Jeremy have been together for 2 1/2 years now...2 1/2 whole years. That's like, 30 months. She told me that for the past 6 months all they have done is fight when they try to hold a decent conversation. She wants out, but she has put too much time into the relationship to leave. Personally, i love the girl, but if you're just staying in a relationship bc you've put "too much time into it" to leave, that's a little ridiculous. If you're unhappy, you leave...especially if it's 6 months consistent. Anyway, i'm not going to place judgement, because i don't know how their relationship works *which i respect, as it is really none of my business*. As for my "love life", that brian guy called me the other day...left a message at 1 in the morning. I wasn't going to call him back, but then jen talked me into it, and i figured hey i might as well get a new friend, right? friends are always welcome. so, i call and leave a message on his phone *i'm the queen of phone tag* and then i find out today from my mom's friend miranda *a surrogate aunt* that he got fired from his job bc he doesnt have his license *it got taken away for some reason which jen neglected to tell me* and he perpetually called off work. okay, mallory and brian...ever? um, i'm going to go with no. irresponsible people are not welcome. of course, there is always more going on than i ever admit on here, haha, but some things have yet to be solved. there's a consultation to be made in the near future, i do believe and i am still unsure as to how things are going to go. it could easily go one way, but it could just as easily go the other. part of me feels like im the only one who really wants it, but i guess i know thats not true. it's just amazing, all of a sudden there's this prospect and 4 more decide to say, "hey, mallory can i get your number and take you out sometime?" *laughs* it always works out like that. anyway, i got my 9 days off from subway...3 for the bike show, and however many days we care to spend at the beach. then my parents are going to sturgis for 9 days and i don't know what the plans are for then either; whether i will still be at subway, or whether i get this other job and decide to start a couple days after they come back, or what. *shrugs* who knows? all i know is, i desperately need a vacation. i wish i could drive that way i could go somewhere by myself, because i'm getting really sick of being around people; people i love, people i hate, people i tolerate for the good of the dollar....i just need to get the hell out of here asap. ...anway i've got children running through my house...later
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Saturday, July 10th, 2004

Time:6:35 pm.
Mood: awake.
Music:cody shooting soldiers on redfaction.
o. name= mallory
x. birthday =7.31.86
o. piercing = ears, belly button
x. tattoos = ankh--->small of my back
o. hair color =blonde
x. length = waist-ish
o. siblings = carl, cody
x. pets = 3 cats, 1 dog, 1 parrot
o. Clothing = currently white shorts, hawaiian punch tshirt

This or that...
x. Nice smiles or nice eyes? eyes
o. Boots or sneakers? :: boots
x. Natural or make-up? .: natural looking makeup
o. Restaurants or fast food? restaurants...i love love love love subway though, even though i work there
x. Italian food or Chinese? :: both
o. Dark or light eyes? :: it doesnt matter as long as theyre gorgeous
x. Streaked or dyed hair? :: neither
o.Vampires or Gods? :: neither
x. Shakespeare or Greek mythology? :: both
o. Milk shakes or floats? :: shawn
x. Drugs or cigarettes? :: neither
o. Football or cheerleading? :: football
x. Cake or pie? : cake...i hate hate hate hate pie

o. Do you want to die? in a car crash killed instantly that way i never have to worry about saying goodbye. i hate goodbyes of any kind.
x. Cremated or buried? cremated and poured into the ocean
o. How Much time do you take to dress up? including the shower? 45 minutes if my hair is wavy; up to an hour and a half if its straight. i know, im a perfectionist when it comes to appearances, although you'd never guess
x. Do you like your life? sometimes
o. Common or original is this survey? so far, im on the fence
x. Often do you smile? more often than not; there's always something to smile about

Do you..
x. Sing? when no one is listening
o. Dance? like you have no idea lol sweeney *we all got out there on the floor, and out of all of us, mallory is the only one who can dance* <3
x. Laugh a lot? i try
o Like spicy food? who doesnt?
x. Prefer bagels over yogurt? no
o. Think babies are cute? not in the least
x. Children in general? hate them all
o. Believe in fortune cookies? no, i believe you make your own life
x. Believe in life after love? what kind of love? parental? friends? lovers? no matter what, your life will never be without love
o. Believe that anything is possible? yes
x. Believe that everyone has a purpose in life? i believe if you want to have a purpose you will find one
o. Know what yours is? starting to

x. You a girl? wow, you're good
o. You a comedian? haha, i like to think so
x. Ur friends true friends in your opinion? *shrugs* i don't bother thinking things like that. i just don't tell people anything.
o. You bored? not really

x. Your usual outfit: i don't have a "usual". some days i look preppy with my jeans, doc martens and american eagle polo shirt, some days i like stylish with a skirt and a cute shirt with some coordinating shoes, and some days i just look mallory with some comfy baggy low riding pants *either jeans, or my hurley's* and a tshirt
o. Your hair : is currently wavy and pulled back and getting blonder by the day, unfortunately...thinking of dying it dark
x. Your eyes : green/gray/blue
o. What you would like to change about yourself: lose weight, be more confident, have more motivation, be more attractive...lots of things
x. Hate too much of a strong word? : no
o. Food from other cultures good? : always
x. Your mood calm at the moment? : yeah, im pretty serene

o. movie you rented = the butterfly effect; actually i didnt rent it, felicia did, but she brought it over and we watched it.
x. movie you bought = queen of the damned...forever ago
o. song you listened to = sweet dreams-marilyn manson
x. song that was stuck in your head = down by blink 182
o. song you've downloaded = hotel california-the eagles
x. cd you bought = the eagles greatest hits, volume 2
o. cd you listened to = blink 182..hence all these blink songs lol
x. person you've called = felicia
o. person that's called you = jeff
x. tv show you've watched = friends
o. person you were thinking of = matt wentz...katie and i are talking about him

x. you have a bf or gf = no
o. you have a crush on someone = you could say that
x. you wish you could live somewhere else = yes and no
o. you think about suicide = i used to a lot, but i just think its a cop out
x. you believe in online dating = no, even though nate is very happy with it
o. you want more piercings = in my ears i want 2 more on each side
x. you want more tattoos = eh, im good
o. you do drugs = no
x. you smoke = no
o. you like cleaning = when im pissed, bored, sad, or depressed
x. you like roller coasters = yes
o. you write in cursive or print = print most of the time, chicken scratch when im writing something important
x. you carry a donor card = no

For or Against...
o. long distance relationships= against. it never works out
x. using someone = against...i've done it before and would never do it again
o. suicide = against...its such a cop out
x. killing people = against
o. teenage smoking = against all smoking
x. doing drugs = don't care much about pot; do what you will, but anything heavier, is just an excuse for your mediocrity and self esteem issues
o. driving drunk = fucking. stupid

o. gum = that gum with the crystals in it
x. tv show = friends altho its all over now
o. thing in the world = jury's still out on that one
x. thing to collect = subway stamps! it all pays off in the end if youre loyal to subway! lol jk i dont know
o. colors of all time = red, black, silver, pink
x. thing to do on a rainy day = dance with someone you love
o. feeling in the world = excitement

x. food = mint choc chip, enchiladas
o. song = iris-the goo goo dolls
x. thing to do = anything thats fun; i like late night conversations and passionate makeout sessions the best, although i get neither of those ahah
o. thing to talk about = iunno... not car crashes and funerals
x. sports = i dont know exactly...maybe hockey or football. football is an entertaining game, altho i tend to flock towards jocks; soccer players, lacrosse players, football players
o. drinks = pepsi, apple juice
x. stores = express, charlotte russe, pacsun, nine west
o. picture = i like the prom picture of me and dan that heather gave me, and i like the homecoming pictures of me and mike alison took,
x. movies = requiem for a dream, the butterfly effect, fight club, queen of the damned
o. band = i cant answer that...i like too many
x. holiday =new years eve
o. cars = i cant answer that either...there are too many

Have You...
x. ever cried over a Guy = yeah
o. ever lied to someone = yeah
x. ever been in a fist fight = not exactly
o. ever been arrested = no

x. shampoo do you use = whatever i got.
o. Spray do you use = jasmine or sweet pea, sometimes spearmint eucalyptus
x. shoes do you wear = whatever goes with the outfit im wearing
o. are you scared of = failure, poverty, happiness

x. of times I have been in love?: 1
o. of continents I have lived in?: 1
x. of drugs taken illegally?: 1
o. of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends?: none
x. of people I consider my enemies? none
o. of cd's that I own? i dont know..not many..maybe a hundred
x. of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: 10 or 12
o. of scars on my body?: lots
x. of things in my past that I regret?: 2

Name: please see above
Do you like it?: yeah
Screen name: supermal117
Sign: leo
Location: gardners
School: none right taking the semester off before shipp
Crush: mike...who else? i'll never get over that guy
Virgin?: believe what you want
Natural hair color: i think light brown
Current hair color: blonde
Eye color: didnt i already answer this?
Height: 5'2ish
Birthplace: lodi
Shoe size: 7 1/2 to 9 *depends on the shoe*

Number: 17
Color: silver
Day: 7.13.03, 10.11.03
Month: july, october...the best weather
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, July 9th, 2004

Subject:and you kissed me like you meant it
Time:6:04 pm.
Mood: frustrated.
Music:feeling this-blink 182.
something happened today, and i must admit that i feel partially responsible. felicia spent the night last night, and we talked about a sensetive issue with her concerning one other person *who will for the time being remain nameless*. she told me before how she had feelings for this person, and me being, well, me, told her to just tell him. i kind of talked her into it, figuring, hey, the worst that can happen is something you've already prepared yourself for. i personally would rather get hurt and know, then spend the rest of my life wondering. so this morning, she called me as i was dolling out serious cash for this new business expenditure of mine (one hundred and eighty dollars to be exact...and then in two weeks when the goods get delivered and pass my inspection, i dole out another one hundred and eighty dollars-thank god i save most of my money, eh?) and left a voicemail on my phone telling me she was going to do it. i was like, oh good, things could get better or just stay the same. wrongo. she then called me after she got off work *i have today off* and it turned out, his response was; "i don't know what to say." that's not a promising response, but it isn't exactly a debilatating response, either. it's just; i feel partially responsible, because i guess when it comes to things like this *namely guys* if i like someone, they generally like me back, and if not, i'm not too broken up about it. i just feel bad because things havent exactly been going well for her in that department, and i love feesh. she deserves a guy who treats her well and appreciates her and realizes how awesome she is. *sigh* he's out there somewhere. <3 to feesh.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, July 8th, 2004

Subject:boys like you are a dime a dozen....
Time:3:06 am.
Mood: devious.
Music:cute without the 'e' (cut from the team)-taking back sunday.
Wow, it feels like it's been forever since i've written in this thing. Things have changed so much since the last time i updated. For starters, i broke up with dan. It was just....weird. We were good friends before we started dating, and i think we both thought that it would be a good relationship...except after school let out, things got strained. It almost seemed like he was jealous because i graduated, and he just sat in the stands with my family...and when he finally got a job, he "worked" til midnight sometimes, and so i couldn't see him. There was a point where i only saw him once in 2 weeks, and the next week wasn't looking too promising either. I spent some time with my friend shawn before he left and things got put into perspective. I wasn't being appreciated, i was being taken for granted. I wasn't even sure how dan felt, but it got to the point where sadly, i didn't even care if i saw him. I was passing up opportunities from other people, for someone i barely saw, and for what? So when i broke up with him, he didn't sound too upset *then again, who would be?* and ironically, the next day, went into subway to see if i was working so he could see me. Jen and i ran into him at walmart, and he hung with us for a little, which was cool, but i just felt nothing. I don't think i feel much of anything anymore, except when it doesn't matter. *sigh* Mike is back too...i haven't seen him yet and i have been trying to talk to him because i never wrote to him and i just kind of dropped him like he was nothing, and thats not how i meant it. i want to explain some things to him, but i guess he's over it and over me. That hurts, really. I know i should have written to him, but i thought that my feelings for him were gone, and i figured he'd be better off if he didn't hear from me for 4 months. I'm not, and i think that helped him, but now i'm the one who's at the receiving end of pain, which is what i deserve, i suppose. College plans have changed yet again. I'm not going to IUP Punxsy, because i hated it up there. I wanted to cry, and did thinking that was the only place i could get into...but it's not. I'm planning to attend Shippensburg in the spring; still unsure whether i'm living on campus or at home. Jen, corey, and jeremy all want me to live on campus, even though jer doesn't live'd be easier for me to see all of them, i suppose. Anyway, the gist of all this is i'm single, have plans for school, and have plans for a better job before school...seeing how my birthday is in 24 days. Plus feesh and i are going to the beach for a few days the last week of july...i'm most excited. I just can't help but feel...empty, sometimes. But, when haven't i felt empty? Maybe....maybe i'm just not meant for love. I can't help but wonder, if i would have been another person, or even chosen another path; would i be happy? Some of you might be wondering if i meant to say happier; but that indicates some suggestion of happiness, which i currently only possess in spurts. The bike show is coming up *july 22-24* and i'm going to be helping out this great bike shop...South Mountain Choppers...ever hear of them? No? Well you will...Dad's bike is almost done, and he's done about 6 or 7 paintjobs on others which have turned out beautifully. You'd think he was painting his whole life. I get a good say in what's going on the t-shirts though,'ll see. Things have been looking up; mom and dad had a court deposition to go to today and dad's shop is coming along great. Plus, might i add that 2 very very hot guys asked for my phone number? One i met through jen and the other i'd known since the 3rd grade, but never really saw very much of. I don't really know if i'd go on a date with brian because i know that he smokes and is somewhat of a big partier...then again who isn't these days, besides me? I might actually consider the other one if he'd ask, because well...i don't know. *shrugs* jesus, i'm getting ahead of myself. chances are they won't, which is okay with me. :) anyway, that's all i got for now. feesh and i are going to do something today; not sure what...and i'm supposed to be hearing from alison sometime soon so she can tell me when she's coming to take me away to north carolina. i am most excited about that...i haven't seen her since graduation night and she's been down there forever and will probably stay there. *muah* al, i <3 u. *sigh* ? well so far one thing that isn't lacking is my tan...and my social life....and my wardrobe...and plans for warped tour...haha. summer of fun right? damn straight! from now on, it's fun fun fun....with some planning planning planning for the future haha. Wish me luck...i think i might need it. ;)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, June 13th, 2004

Time:5:14 pm.
x] they call me: mallory
[x] sex: Female
[x] my first breath of air: july 31 1986
[x] status: taken
[x] occupation: sandwich artist
[x] best friend: feesh

_______General Favorites________
[x] band: all american rejects, the ataris
[x] song:your star
[x] scent: boys always smell good
[x] movie: say anything, requiem for a dream, fight club
[x] show: dunno anymore

[x] most memorable memory:goodness...too many to count
[x] worst: dads accident
[x] first word uttered: pretty
[x] first best friend ever: jessica zinc

_______Love? _______
[X] love is: warm and fuzzy insides, constant smiling, exception making, laughter.....amazing. i miss it.
[x] first love:mike
[x] love or lust: which do i want? right now im good with lust
[x] Best love song: oh gosh, there are so many
[x] when love hurts, you: cry
[x] true or false: false
[x] Is there such thing as love @ first sight? no
______Opposite Sex_______
[x] turn ons: hands, eyes, smile, arms, good sense of humor
[x] Does your parent's opinion on your bf/gf matter to you: yes
[x] What kind of hairstyle: preferably long and shaggy, but whatever looks good, as long as its not shaved or something
[x] the sweetest thing a member of the opposite sex can do for you: buy me concert tickets *ds*
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, April 2nd, 2004

Subject:wishing i was numb
Time:10:07 pm.
Mood: pensive.
Music:jet-cold hard bitch.
I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be around these people and i don't want to hear the same things over and over. Today i was thinking of all the people i'm "friends" with and how they make me feel as a person and as an individual. Some of them kind of make me feel insignificant and almost invisible. I can just kind of sit there and watch them be crazy and lie to each others face and i just don't exist. It's like a different world. I have a couple friends who make me feel...i guess i can say make me feel like they're glad i'm here, and though one of them is one i expected to make me feel like that, there are others who are both surprising and enjoyable. Things have been really rough lately on me emotionally and mentally *no the two are not the same* and i don't like going through these things, but everyone does and well; i have no one to talk to about it. I don't even know if anyone comes to mind that i want to talk to about it. Sometimes i just want to sit and cry my eyes out and have someone just hold me and not say anything or offer any encouraging words but just kind of exist as a cushion or a soundboard for my cries of desperation. The worse part is, even if i wanted to talk about the things that are going on inside me and things that are affecting me, i don't think i could. I've spent so long shutting people out i don't know if i know how to really let people in. I don't think i even really know what's wrong, except i've been feeling this way for quite some time now and it is getting really frustrating. I don't like being me. I don't like people knowing who i am. I don't even know what i want anymore. *sigh* I think what i want most of all is to be happy with who i am and be happy with what i have accomplished, if indeed i have accomplished anything noteworthy. Late at night i get very pensive and i just sit in my room and think before i go to bed. I don't even have the will to write anymore. I don't have the will to do anything. I don't know what's going on with me and that scares the shit out of me. I'm tired of not being in control of my life and although i may walk through the halls and laugh and joke or make funny faces to brighten someone elses day, i go home and feel empty. I feel like a shell of a person and have felt that way for as long as i can remember. I'm searching desperately for love; not love from a relationship or a parent or even a friend; love for myself. I don't know how to do these things that i need to do anymore. I don't know how to be happy. Some good things have happened to me and i sit and think that as long as good things continue to happen then things can't be so bad. That's what i tell other people. I guess i should take my own advice, but who is there for me to boost me when i'm down? I know i'm asking for the impossible, but what i really want and what i really need is someone who knows when i'm upset and knows exactly what i need at the exact time that i need it without me having to say word; someone who can read my thoughts and see my soul and know that i am not happy and have not been happy; someone who can just sit with me and be without having to speak or touch and it be comfortable and welcome; someone who will do for me the things i don't even know i need to be done; someone who can just help me without me having to ask for help. If i believed in God i would pray, but the only religion i have is something to which there is no name. I feel like i'm not "home" and will never be "home" . I feel like these moments of self-pity and self-loathing make me a horrible person, but at this point i don't care. I don't care because no one will read this and no one will hear what i'm saying *or not saying* and yet i will be judged anyway. Judge away. I don't care. I'll be numb soon least i hope so.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, March 30th, 2004

Subject:Fried Potatoes
Time:9:49 pm.
Mood: hungry.
I have discovered a new love. It can be a deadly love and not altogether a happy love, but when we're together i can't think about anything else. it's my fried potatoes. god, it's like i want to eat them all the time but theyre so fattening. have you ever tried them? honestly tried my homemade fried potatoes? its better than heaven...better than ice cream...better than sex!!! *well see i can say that for reasons which i will not divulge haha* I can't live without them...i have to have them at least once a week. i ate them this weekend and i was like omg you know youre fat when you can almost orgasm from food....and then end up writing a journal entry about them. you see, i discovered them when i was 15 with my friend alicia and we dubbed them *banging fried potatoes* then i only really ate them when she was around bc we added our own spices and such...and then i got to make them more often and now its like an obsession. i love them...i hate mashed potatoes or boiled potatoes..i like baked potatoes, but fried potatoes are oh my god take your breath away savor every bite glorious. *sigh* well now im off to dream about them. :)
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Thursday, March 25th, 2004

Subject:Jen's Survey
Time:9:49 pm.
Mood: chipper.
Music:the new offspring song.
1. First Name:Mallory

2. Were you named after anyone? not that i know of

3. Do you wish on stars? yessum...theyre the best things to wish on

4. Which finger is your favorite? i kind of like my thumbs...theyre interesting lol

5. When did you last cry? i don't's been a while

6. Do you like your handwriting? when it looks decent..when im in a hurry and doing shorthand it looks awful

7. What is your favorite lunch meat? hmm thats a tough question, it depends on the type of bread and whether or not cheese is added to the sandwich...i'm gonna go with turkey tho...on toasted sourdough..oh god..i can see the drool now

8. Any bad habits? nail friend thinks i have OCD but i dont think so

9 What is your most embarrassing CD on the shelf? prob some old country cd...actually im not embarrassed by any of my cds i stand by my music
10. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? depends on who i was and what my views were..i'm quite the liberal

11. Are you a dare-devil? felicias dad thinks do a lot of people so i guess so tho not as much as id like to be

12. Have you ever told a secret you swore to never tell? umm i dont know

13. Do looks matter? honestly, yes but theyre not everything...i know some people whose personality makes them more attractive

14. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid? yeah actually i have once in a newspaper article..i wanted to cry...only time i ever did that

15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?no, bc you can never reach the end of the rainbow

16. Do fish have feelings? probably...they are living beings
17. Are you trendy? i dont know...ask my friends..i kinda am but i usually mix it up
18. How do you release anger? write...yell at people i dont like...sometimes i kinda sit there and dont say anything thats when u know im really pissed

19. Where is your second home? felicias
20. Do you trust others easily? no

21. What was your favorite toy as a child? slinkies...those things were know what i really want? a rubix cube...i really really want one

22. What class in school do you think is totally useless? some math classes, but its ok bc theyre fun

23. Do you have a journal? i guess u could say so lol

24. Do you use sarcasm a lot? i dont think so

25. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? yeah but jeremy shenk pulled me out of it

26. What do you look for in a girl/guy? lots of specific but i dont feel like going into it now

27. What are your nicknames?mal, mally, maldawg, blondie
28. Would you ever bungee jump?hell yeah

29. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? yeah

30. Do you think that you are strong? mentally-yes, emotionally-yes, physically-most of the time

31. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? mint choc chip altho i had a dream felicia and i were looking for choc chip cookie dough ice cream lol
32. What's your favorite color? red, silver, black

33. What is your least favorite food? brussel sprouts yuck...and sauerkraut...ok a lot ahah

34. How many wisdom teeth do you have? all of them altho they hurt like a mother sometimes

35. Are you in love with anyone? not anymore

36. How many people have a crush on you right now? none

37. Who do you miss most right now? krystal bc im worried about her and i feel bad bc i cant be there for her...and tony brandt god i love that kid he was crazy fun

38. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back? im not sending this to anyone

39. Scary movies or happy endings? scary sick of happy endings

40. Hugs or kisses? depends on the person, altho i get a lot of hugs i need a nice passionate hot kiss

41. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? can i stay home? lol
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, March 11th, 2004

Subject:I'm a loser baby
Time:10:42 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Music:so why don't you kill me.
+ name. mallory
+ birthday. 07.31.86
+ nicknames. mal, mally, maldawg lately thats about it
+ location. pa
+ what are you doing right now? talking to people
+ what are you wearing? blue jeans, black tshirt that says buffalo hockey club-used to be codys
+ do you like your neighbors? sure
+ whats your magic number. 17
+ do you smoke drink or do drugs? no


+ color. silver red black
+ friend. currently felicia
+ car. toyota mr2 spyder
+ food. enchiladas mint choc chip ice cream
+ drink. motts apple juice
+ store. gadzooks, rue 21, borders, express, ross
+ outfit. black pleated skirt, pink and black striped off the shoulder shirt, black sandals from ross or black boots
+ song. eh, don't know anymore
+ singer. right now the lead singer from trapt
+ movie. fight club requiem for a dream.
+ pair of socks. duck ones
+ saying. i'm not your therapist, but if i am where the fuck is my money?
+ animal. tiger

when was the last time y0u..

+ showered. this morning
+ kissed some one. 2 weeks ago
+ went to a movie. last friday
+ cried. eh
+ talked on the phone. 45 minutes ago
+ paged someone. i dont know
+ lied. eh
+ cheated on someone. aaron. i cheated on aaron.
+ ate nerds. i dont think i ever did
+ drank welchs grape juice. probably when i was like 5
+ watched the country channel. ages ago
+ shaved ANY part of you body and what part. today...and anything that needed shaved


+ are you a virgin. no
+ what did you do on Halloween. carved pumpkins with felicia and mike-felicia stayed over kicked mike out at 1:45 am
+ whats your favorite Scary movie. any of the freddys
+ do you belive in magic. no i believe in the power to believe
+ whats your favorite magazine. vogue or cosmo
+ whats your middle name. andrea
+ favorite Disney character. sebastian
+ what brand of deodorant do you use. dove.
+ do you like Pickles. no
+ do you have a website. no
+ do you have your own phone line. cell phone that counts
+ your thoughts on abortion. for it
+ do you like brittney spears. eh
+ What do you want for christmas. a new life
+ what do you want to do with your life. travel, live, do daring things, make money
+ would you ever get plastic surgery if so on what. probably lipo
+ last time you went to the bowling alley. eh i dont know
+ what perfume/cologne do you wear. jasmine or spearmint-eucalyptus
+ do you like jell-o if so what flavor. strawberry
+ brand of toothpaste. aquafresh
+ last time you went to the doctor. october
+ do you have a credit card:: nope.
+ do you love your mom. yes.
+ do you love your mom as much as norman bates did in PSYCHO. i'm not crazy
+ ever taken ballet. nope.
+ favoite
+ most attracitve person. that i know? kyle or tyler
+ any diseases if so what are they. none that i know of, altho ulcerative colitus is prevalent in my family
+ last book you read...was it good. the salmon of doubt-yes, thank you jake
+ white, dark, or milk choclate. dark or milk. no white chocolate
+ ever died your hair. i guess so
+ What brand shampoo. right now finesse
+ thing you hate most about your body. everything
+ last time you smoked. n/a.
+ last thing you bought. eyeliner

m0re rand0m..

+ are you stressd out...if so from what. yes and i won't say
+ do you belive in angels. no
+ would you ever join the army. if i had to
+ do you want a puppy. no thank you
+ Favorite icing. chocolate mocha
+ last time you were scared. eh
+ by what?. *shrug* life
+ last party you went to. hmmm tough question
+ what detergent do you use. i dont know
+ what fabric softner do you use. i dont know
+ are your nails real or fake. nonexistent
+ do you work out. i do crunches when i remember
+ are u muscular. sure iguess
+ do you take a lot of pictures. if i have a camera around
+ favorite tv show. friends
+ do you want a baby. NO.
+ ever thought u were pregnant. paranoia, but never in actuality
+ last time you were sick. yesterday/today
+ butter or margerine. margarine with an a, not an e
+ your feelings on mcdonald chicken nuggets. none whatsoever
+ do you believe in santa claus. no
+ do you go to a tanning bed. no
+ do you have a car. no
+ do you have your licence? no
+ how do you get around. felicia, parents, other friends
+ are you dissatisfied with your hair color. yes it's boring
+ what kind of jewelry do you wear. silver antique/vintage looking stuff
+ do you have a cellie. yes
+ favorite kind of gum. none
+ would you ever get a tattoo. already did

even m0re rand0m..

+ do u like coffee...what kind...what in it: yes, any kind, milk and sugar
+ favorite lip gloss. clear *vaseline*
+ do you wear a watch. sometimes
+ sunglasses. n/a
+ ever use nair....if so where? no
+ ever been to the mall of america. no
+ are you online a lot. no


+ number of times I have been in love. 1 i suppose
+ number of times I have had my heart broken. none
+ number of hearts I have broken. 6
+ number of boys I have kissed. 26
+ number of girls I have kissed. 10
+ number of men I've slept with. 1
+ number of continents I have lived in. 1
+ number of drugs taken illegally. 1
+ number of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends. 0
+ number of people I consider my enemies. *shrug* don't know that i have any
+ number of people from high school that I stayed in contact with. still stuck in high school
+ number of cd's that I own. not many only 50 or so
+ number of piercings. 3
+ number of tattoos. 1
+ number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper. 5
+ number of scars on my body. small ones. probably about 15
+ number of things in my past that I regret. i dont regret anything, bc i learned from it all...altho i guess i regret one serious thing. so 1
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, February 29th, 2004

Time:10:02 pm.
Mood: depressed.
I feel like I'm stuck in this big black hole that is forever pulling me into its dark abyss. There are no stops, no pauses, no little things to make me smile along the way. *sigh* I go through the motions of the day and most people think i'm happy, but i'm not. I don't know what i am. sometimes everything is perfect and i can be so free, and the next i just can't do a thing right...the latter being what usually occurs. i feel like i'm not allowed to breathe sometimes, i'm so claustrophobic. i can't stand being around people sometimes. lately, i have just wanted to sit in my room and read and get lost in these characters and their eventual happiness. well, there is no such thing as a happy ending in real life. There are black holes and moments where you think you can escape but you can't, and never will. You can see the way out, the stars shining back at you, almost mockingly because you'll never reach them. And if you could find a way out, you would pause at the chance because you'd never been offered anything like that before, and given the opportunity wouldn't know what to do with it. You'd spent your whole life falling into this abyss, and when a hand reaches down to be offered to you, you don't take it, because you know it won't matter soon anyway. You'll be numb and indifferent and nothing will matter ever again, except all the things you used to feel, and all the things you don't feel now. Now, if you found that hand, you'd look past it, disregarding it because you're beyond all feeling. *sigh*
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, February 23rd, 2004

Subject:Epiphany from 2/21/04
Time:9:58 pm.
Mood: determined.
Today, I had an epiphany. I realized a great deal of things that I can honestly say I’ve never realized before. I realized I’m tired of people. I’m tired of talking, and I’m tired of listening. Today my phone was ringing like church bells at a wedding, and I didn’t care. I turned off the ringer and decided to just ignore everyone. Lately I have been surrounded by people; people telling me what to do, asking me where I’m going to college, giving me advice, asking my advice, and finally I just decided to make the words stop. My ears are tired of listening to everything. So, as I sit here and write, I have no music, and for once no one is in my house but me. Solitude is underestimated. I want to go somewhere where I don’t need a phone, I don’t need a friend, I don’t need anything but my pen and paper (or a laptop) and the ideas in my head. I want to write. I want to be a writer. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything worth reading, if I ever have in the first place. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me, where I know nothing about anything and I can just sit on the side of a river, watch the water flow, and feel the words flowing from my hands. I know I won’t be able to find that anywhere nearby. So, I’ve decided before I leave for college, I’m going to give myself a present. My grandmother’s church gives every senior who graduates five hundred dollars which is supposed to go towards college or their future. I’m going to find a job and save money to add to that, because this summer is my summer to do what I want before I’m whisked off into the world with all those other college students. I’m going to Europe.
I’m taking at least two weeks for myself. I told my mother already and I know she wants to come, but I really think that this is something I should do by myself. I told her that I’ve always wanted to go to Europe; more specifically France and Italy. Not necessarily the major cities, just the country where there are rivers and spacious skies and lots of things I have never ever experienced. Places that will touch me and inspire me. I told her that this has always been something I’ve wanted to do, and I know that if I keep putting it off I’ll never go because something will always come up to deter me from that particular goal. It feels to me that this is not merely something that I want anymore, it’s something I need. I need to be alone; completely, utterly, entirely, alone. My whole world has revolved around people for seventeen and a half years, and for two weeks it will revolve around words and feelings. I have to go. I have to know that I’ve experienced something just once, that is so beautiful, so moving, and so utterly mine that no one could ever take it from me. I want to be cut off from everyone. I don’t want anyone to come with me, because I don’t to think back in twenty years and wish that my first visit to Europe would have been by myself. I want this to be mine, this one thing to be mine. I will admit that I’m afraid that I’ll go over there and never come back, but that’s a risk I’ll have to take. I’ve realized that I’m not a risk taker, not in the real sense. If I could I’d go to college three thousand miles away to get away from all this. Everyday the drama is the same, the problems are the same, and the people are the same. For the very first time in my life, I don’t want anyone to experience anything with me. I want to experience it myself and learn from it without having someone holding my hand and telling me where to go and what to do because I’m too young to know…or too naïve. Unfortunately, I can’t because my mother things I’m too young to go all by myself, so I’m taking her with me. If I am sharing this experience with someone it might as well be with someone who is going to appreciate it as much as I will.
I know this isn’t going to come out like I mean it or want it to, but I’m very glad Mike is leaving for a while. What I’m going through right now is not just a phase, it’s a growing period and I don’t want him to distract me from what I need or want to do. A little while ago, I’ll admit I thought I had nothing to live for. My father isn’t speaking to me, my mother is going through a very hard period in her life that I can’t be of any assistance in, my younger brother has few friends and no matter what I do I can’t help him to make any new ones, and something is happening to my older brother that no one has any control over and no one can help him. Personally, I’ve been trying to please other people; my dad, my mom, Mike, my friends. I thought I stopped but I didn’t and I know I won’t be able to completely stop until Mike is gone. I need my life to be my own, with or without him. I need my mind to be clear and when he’s here it’s not. Most of all, I need to not be in love.
For the longest time, I felt like I didn’t have anything. I felt like the best thing I had going for me was…well…nothing. I contemplated suicide for a while, even before anyone got seriously hurt. I thought that if I was gone, everyone would be much happier and I would be helping them by not being here. Sometimes I still think that. Sometimes I still think that waking up is the worst thing in the world. Well I refuse to be like this anymore. I refuse to let what other people think or feel about me to deter me from anything. It’s not what I have that makes me want to live; it’s what I don’t have. And what I don’t have is happiness. I haven’t written a novel that touches peoples lives, I haven’t seen any of Europe or the United States for that matter, I haven’t made amends with my dad, I haven’t spoken to my biological father face to face, I haven’t seen my sister in almost 13 years, I haven’t owned my own house, I haven’t found my soul mate (if he’s even out there), and I haven’t trusted or believed in myself.
I started believing in myself again and realized that I am a good person. I looked at myself and discovered that there is much more to me than meets the eye. I’m in the process of making a list of the things I want to do in my life. I’m going to keep that list and add to it as I get older. I need to get myself together. I need to get my life together. I need to be alone. I have absolutely no desire to be with anyone right now, because it is completely impossible. With the things I am trying to accomplish I don’t have time for anyone. I hope everyone understands that, but if they don’t, so what? I’ve come by this quote that I actually thought of myself, if you can imagine me thinking up something creative and philosophical. “The easiest thing in the world is to live your life for someone else. The hardest thing is to live your life for yourself.” So for anyone who’s reading this, I’m making my own rules to live by, so be prepared because this train doesn’t stop.
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Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

Subject:Lost Disk-No cause for alarm
Time:11:45 pm.
Mood: creative.
Music:Switchfoot-Meant to Live.
i cant find my disk...the one with all my poems and stories and outlines for future writing on it. its lost and i need it. i need to hands are itching like crazy and i can't stand it. i cant stand not knowing where this thing is; i remember putting it somewhere where no one would find it if they were in my room and now i cant even find it!! i need it for monday because i have some stuff to submit to pandoras box; the less personal stuff, that is. devin wants me to enter this one poem i wrote like 2 years ago but i dont know; my writing style has changed so much since then it just seems so elementary. so far, homeless is definitely going to be submitted, accompanied alone will be too when i edit out a few things and change some wording, maybe nonexistent, i dont think do you remember will be...dan still has those two anyway. i need to go through all of my stuff...maybe i'll write something new this weekend. i need to have it to mrs. simpson by tuesday; let's hope we dont have another scholastic case on our hands *steams* ok well i'm gonna stop thinking/writing about this because im just getting really frustrated because i dont know where my freakin disk is.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, February 2nd, 2004

Subject:Lyrics-The Ataris
Time:10:33 pm.
Mood: crazy.
Music:manson-sweet dreams.
life makes no sense
the ataris

Everything is turning grey, but I won't hold my breath today
Cause' I'm not scared and to tell the truth I just don't care.
Are you looking for an answer? When you still don't know the question.

It's like lighting candles in the rain-
Sometimes life can be a pain,
But don't give up without a fight.

Sometimes when you feel afraid, don't give up and run away.
Cause' two wrongs don't make a right.
What's the point in crying when you've don nothing wrong.
It was right there all along.

The world's nothing but a lie and everyone is going to die
But what can I say? Just help me make it through today.
You don't need a destination just to go somewhere in life.

It's like throwing feathers at the wind
They come right back to you again.
So why not give it one more try?

Just cause' things aren't what they seem
It doesn't mean you shouldn't dream
Just don't get your hopes too high.
Cause' when things don't turn out right
You world comes crashing down.
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Blurty for Mallory.

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