quizzy things   
07:58pm 19/05/2005

J is for Joyous
U is for Unique
S is for Sensual
T is for Temperamental
I is for Impassioned
N is for Natural
E is for Extreme

Your Birthdate: August 5

With a birthday on the 5th of the month you are inclined to work well with people and enjoy them.

You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas.

You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel.

You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable.

Your mind is quick, clever and analytical.

A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine.

You may have a tendency to shirk responsibility

You Are 45% Normal

(Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal...

Other things you do are downright strange

You've got a little of your freak going on

But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

Which flock do you follow?

this quiz was made by alanna

discover your jack-o-lantern face @ quiz me

Your Icecream Flavour is...Neopolitan!
You aren't satisfied with just one flavor. They say variety is the spice of life and this shines through in your Ice cream of choice! Just don't eat all the chocolate and leave the strawberry and vanilla behind!
What is your Icecream Flavour?

Find out at Go Quiz

You're The Fellowship of the Ring!

by J.R.R. Tolkien

Facing great adversity, you have decided that your only choice is to
unite with your friends and neighbors. You have been subject to a ton of squabbling and
ultimately decided that someone humble is your best candidate for a dangerous mission.
You're quite good with languages and convinced that not all who wander are lost. If you
see anyone in black robes on horseback, just run. That's just common sense.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Mood analysis   
08:09pm 01/11/2004
  "You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to 'All things bright and beautiful'. This personifies a caring person, a person who 'needs' and indeed 'needs to be needed'.

Of late, everything seems to be going so slowly - far slower than you anticipated - and this is causing you much anxiety and frustration. It would appear that there is little you can do about the series of events that now seem to be taking place. In spite of the fact that you feel like 'giving up' - don't. Take a deep breath and start over again and you will find that eventually the expression 'All's well that ends well' will have an extra special meaning for you.

The present situation, not of your making, is forcing you to compromise. You will have to hold back and forgo some of your hopes, dreams and aspirations.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship."

I think this is quite an accurate analysis of my mood right now, but it didn't seem important enough to post elsewhere, so I'm breaking my decision to freeze my journal for today! I think I'm entitled, it's been a rough day.
I'm not sure about the part about holding back, but in a way this relates to my conversation with Liam about what I do/don't want people to know about me. Maybe I am finding hard to open up.
If you want to try it, go to http://www.colorgenics.com and click on the mood analysis test.

I just don't want to write about how horrible today has been.
06:04pm 31/10/2004
  I just filled out a questionnaire. One of the questions asks what kind of blog entry annoys you most, and I said blog entries that are just filler and don't say anything.
That's exactly what this journal has turned into- filler, because I know who reads it and I don't feel comfortable saying anything that I'm really feeling to those people. So for now, until further notice, this journal is on stand by. When I actually have something worth saying to post here, I'll let you know.
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04:27pm 27/10/2004
  1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I lovable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger, weaker, or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
googlyfish. What do YOU think???   
08:00pm 18/10/2004
mood: anxious
ucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucasucas ucas ucas ucas! Oh god, will I ever get my personal statement done?!?!?
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short overview of monday.   
11:12pm 11/10/2004
mood: aggravated
Had a bit of a bad day today. Nothing that couldn't have been avoided if I was slightly more organised, but there you are. I also had my first day of working overtime today- yay for me!
Seriously though, I'm really liking my job at Peacocks, it's a lot better than other jobs I've had. Sam is now on her way back to Canterbury with my parents so I'm all alone... *sob* lol, I probably won't go to bed until midnight because I can't sleep alone in the house.
I miss her already, but it's not too long til half tem when I'll be staying in Canterbury for a few days with her. Yay!
A bittersweet journal and website. 'What if..?'   
06:47pm 07/10/2004
  Just found someone's website who I used to know, and it touched me. I wish I knew people better, could be in more people's lives and have them be a part of mine. I would love to really know so many people now when everyone's grown a lot. I also wish some people could really know me now, to see how much I've changed.
Wonder how weird it is to bump into someone on the street 20 years later?
Healthy and happy with ovely, lovely bones.   
06:23pm 07/10/2004
mood: giggly
music: whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
It's amazing how much better this last week has been for me. I still have a lot of work to do to catch up with the college workload, but mentally I'm feeling happier and healthier. It's almost comforting that just like the tide of feeling unhealthy and unhappy it's happened for completely no reason. Don't know if it's going to stay like this, but I'm certainly appreciating it.
I'm reading 'The Lovely Bones' at the moment. It's very tragic, and although it's a brilliant book I'm finding it very hard to read. I cried in the middle of the train today after reading a certain part- grief is such strange thing and affects people in so many ways. However, at the same time I'm sort of enjoying it- sometimes its good to let yourself be emotional and it's always good to read a book where you are drawn into the characters world and can't put it down.
Sam is coming home tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it immensely, love her so much.
Now I have to go wash up and write some essays, grr. Why do I always leave things until the last minute??
Or after that even. Definately a genetic trait inherited from Dad, methinks.
06:35pm 05/10/2004
  I hate Royston.
I'm sorry to say it but it's completely and utterly true. I hate the shops, I hate going to work (No reflection on Peacocks at all, they couldn't be more lovely, but I'm just not cut out for shops it seems!) and most of all I hate the irrational feeling I get whenever I go into town on my own. I walk into town and it's as if as i walk all my confidence fades away- I feel like I'm 14 again and scared as hell. I have no reason to feel like this, it doesn't make sense, but it's still the way I feel.
I did like being at school sometimes. By year 11 I felt that I had good friends and that was good. But it didn't stop me feeling scared in the corridors, dreading maths, and generally getting the sensation that I was in the wrong place. Grr. I hope there is going to be a time soon when I can just go into Royston and not feel like I'm treading on my own 14 year old feet. H'mm.
12:26pm 04/10/2004
  There's lots I could say here but very little I want people to read.  
Spring fever... ;)   
07:26pm 01/10/2004
mood: cheerful
music: Addicted to love- Robert Palmer
Sorry to yell, but I'm soo happy. I got up this morning and went shopping with Mum, got two pairs of new glasses, a gorgeous new top form Dorothy Perkins and some jewellry. We had lunch in The Regal (plus a Bells and coke at midday, hehe) then I went to college. College was boring, double RS, then I walked (and train-ed)home chatting and having fun with Craig, Rich, and Jake. I met my mum outside the newsagents and we bought some sweets before walking home. Went to Tescos, saw Shelley, came home and looked at the Castle I've applied to live in if I go to Durham University. We decided to have corned beef and pitta bread for tea.
What's so special about today, I hear you ask?
Two things:
1. I felt NORMAL all day- hooray!
2. I started writing again!!!!! Oh, my, God! I'm sooo happy about that. It's been so long since I've written anything at all. It might all be a pile of crap I do to amuse myself, but one day I'll be a published writer if it kills me.
better... temporarily?   
07:45pm 25/09/2004
mood: different.
music: Take my breath away- Berlin
Alanis Morrisette, some of Hand in my Pocket

I feel drunk but I´m sober
I´m young and I´m underpaid
I´m tired but I´m working, yeah
I care but I´m restless
I´m here but I´m really gone
I´m wrong and I´m sorry baby

what it all comes down to
Is that everything´s gonna be quite alright
I´ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to
Is that I haven´t got it all figured out just yet
I´ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other is giving the peace sign

I´m free but I´m focused
I´m green but I´m wise
I´m hard but I´m friendly baby
I´m sad but I´m laughin
I´m brave but I´m chicken shit
I´m sick but I´m pretty baby

What it all boils down to
Is that no one´s really got it figured out just yet
I´ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other is playing the piano
What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything´s just fine fine fine
I´ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab . . .

I've had the best day today that I have had in ages- I feel so normal, happy and healthy that I don't want it to end. Everything has somehow moved to the back of my mind somehow, and its gorgeous.
However, I can't help the thought that this is probably only a temporary high- look at my last entry for gods sake. I just want to get to somewhere better than constant lows with only a few high days. Then again, I look at those lyrics and can't help smiling a little- in the words of my wonderful Dad, "This too shall pass"
06:55pm 23/09/2004
  I feel like I'm just brimming over.
I re-read The Bell Jar and couldn't help feeling how relevant it was to me. When I first read that book it was amazing, but now it just feels scarily close to home in a way. Time is going so fast around me and I feel really trapped and alone. Why am I such a stupid inadequate person? I can't even fill out a form or pick up my bag of the bus like a normal person. I seriously think sometimes that there is something wrong with me. I just can't make myself get out of bed in the mornings anymore- what's the point? I sound like a stupid whining teenager, and that's definately true. I wish I could get out of this stifling mental bubble I seem to have stepped into and sort myself out. Every day I seem to get further into this mess I make of my life.
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06:34pm 17/09/2004
mood: contemplative
music: Aubry, by Bread.
Today has been interesting. It kind of turned into a thoughtful day, although my afternoon was crappy.
I think I try much to hard to appeal to other people. My hair, for example. I don't particularly like it, but I was more worried about what my friends and people and college would think. To me that's kinda sad. I used to promise myself that I would always "March to my own drum" etc., but after being bullied and feeling the social pressure to be one of the crowd for so many years I find it so hard to go out and choose something just because I like it without thinking 'will I stand out too much if I buy this/do this?'
That doesn't just extend to my shopping habits either. I always feel as though I have to be happy, funny, and a certain 'type' of person with a certain opinions. All the labels I have put on myself through my life and that others have given me put so much pressure on me- I feel required to be the 'agony aunt' of my friendships(Something I usually choose and enjoy, but on occasion I need someone to talk to too!) and to be a teenager- to drink, learn to drive, go shopping, even smoke. I feel I should be the perfect daughter all the time, the best best friend, to be 'more of a lesbian' than I sometimes feel I am now.
I was talking to Craig about confidence. He said I always seem to choose the same sort of friends- people who are always the centre of the party with strong personalities and lots of confidence. I think that's because there are different types of confidence- for example, Craig can get up on stage and perform but he always seems to think he's ugly. I think I need confident people around me because I have no confidence in myself. I need the reassurance in new social situations, I need to be told I look good, and I need affection because I don't actually believe that I deserve to make new friends or have affection, or that I ever look good.
Then again, that's not strictly true. Sometimes I can be confident- I've never had a problem standing up in class, singing in front of anyone, or saying 'I love you'. Sometimes there are those days where I just think "Oh, fuck it!" and go out without doing my hair and putting on make up. Hopefully there will be more of those good days and less of the paranoid days than last year. I might not have the most confidence in the world, but I'm a lot closer to walking to my own drum these days than I ever was at school, so I must be getting somewhere.
04:57pm 15/09/2004
  I feel like shit today.
Excuse the bad language, but that really does just about sum it up. Firstly, I am ill. I hate being ill. Mum says it's because I had feberal convulsions as a child, (fits caused by your body not being able to control its temperature- my temp would just go sky high) but now I can't stand waiting to read thermometers and see what my temp is, and whenever I'm not well I turn into a complete hypochondriac and worry that I'm gonna end up in hospital or something. Today I just have a high temp, a cold, and one heck of a headache. Never mind.
Also, I had to go into to town to give my new boss my bank details. Which was not fun, especially seeing as when I finally made it there she was away on a training course so I'll have to go back anyway. Then when I got home I just tried to sleep for ages, but it's not happening. To top it all off, the folder I got out of the loft yesterday isn't even the right one. (Sorry Liam, I'll get my dad to go back in the loft when he gets back but that means no email, I'll just have to give it to you tomorrow.) I've missed my fave lesson- double psychology on a Weds is my favourite day- and I'm panicking about my non-existant personal statement, not to mention my non-existant UCAS form and the fact that I haven't even chosen 6 universities yet.
Possibly the only high points about today is that Tom, my sisters boyfriend, is back from Croatia and staying at ours. Thats good because she'll stop wprrying. Also, my fave TV program the L word is on tonight.
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New year, new worrie.. and new girls....   
07:29pm 14/09/2004
mood: horny
music: none
I'm enjoying being back at college, but am already getting stressed again. Last year turned into such a nightmare in terms of my mental health, I really don't want to go back to feeling like that again. I'm feeling enormous pressure to get my ucas form sorted out and I'm finding it really hard. Plus, i got told in English today that I have a timed practice exam on Friday- Wtf?? A timed test on the second week back seems to be going beyond the sublime and into the ridiculous....
Doing slightly badly with my diet, but compared to how I was eating it's actually going quite well. I wore my fave pink top today and felt quite good about myself, except for when I sat on the mini canteen tables. Then i just felt like a fat heffer who was too big to sit anywhere... grr.
Another good/bad point about today was year 12. Since they have come I have felt like our college is incredibly small, almost claustrophobic, and queues for the canteen/reception/finance office/you name it are ridiculous!! On the plus side, I've felt really close to my friends this week. Seeing the ickle scaredy year 12 has made me realise how close we are and how lucky I am to have bonded so well with people.
Also, a lot year 12 are really gorgeous! This is both a blessing and a curse, as I definately appreciate the amount of beautiful young women around but at the same time feel very guilty and pervy and am constantly telling myself to look straight ahead... I'm definately feeling very lonely and very single.
     Read 1 - Post
Why am I so useless?   
07:15pm 08/09/2004
  "Though, I have discovered that fresh starts don't work. You still screw up, just in a novel & exciting way."
Clare, 3/9/04

I have just eaten, of all things, a Kitkat.

Pointless days with small silver linings.   
05:27pm 08/09/2004
mood: amused and aggravated!
music: none
I've had another pointless day today.
The trains were delayed AGAIN so I didn't end up getting to college until 2.05 instead of 1.45,(Sorry Liam, I did want to see you!) and then I had to miss even more of my lesson to 'urgently' go and see Matt Kelly, my tutor. Which, as it turns out, was utterly pointless seeing as he just wanted to go over what I missed in tutorial. How is that urgent??
Anyway, when I finally got to Psychology at 2.15, I found out that college finished at 3, and that our psychology class was finishing at 2.50!! Quelle est la point???
Plus, I went for a coffee with my Dad earlier and completely ruined my diet by having a cake, and a milkshake!! In fact, thining about it, I've also had a Mars Drink and a hot chocolate. I'm so determind to stick to this diet, I have to this time. From right now I am not going to cheat any more! What's even more annoying is that I told myself I would work it off at aerobics tonight, which I'm now not going to. Not that it's Hannah's fault at all, seeing as I really didn't feel like it tonight anyway.

There are a few good points about today though.
1. I got to show off my hair. (Which I have dyed "intense red", though the ends haven't really taken, so its sort of two tone. I like it, it looks more natural that way) That makes it sound horrible, but it's not. Not that many people saw it in the 40 mins I was at college!
2. I got to see and chat with Hannah, who has finally been discharged from Addenbrookes. She looked at lot happier today than she did on Friday lazing around on her hospital bed!
3. We have Thursday and Friday off! God bless the ickle year 12's! Then again, it's more of a replacement weekend seeing as I'm being forced to go to my Grandparents on Saturday and Sunday. Dad told them that I went to a "music festival" in Cardiff. I'm telling you, if they start asking me about it I'm just going to TELL them it was a Gay Pride festival and let them disown me!! They irritate me soo much. I wish they could know me and still accept me. Grr...
06:38pm 06/09/2004
mood: sad
music: Looking in the eyes of love- Alison Krauss. V.depressing.
I could talk about starting back at college. how great psychology is, how nice it was to see everyone again, etc. but I'm not really in the mood. The moment has already passed for me, I'm just back to stressing out about ucas forms and stuff like that. Not to mention closed text exams in January....
This weekend was both good and bad.
On Friday night I had a huge argument with Sarah about absoloutly nothing- I was in a bad mood and brought up stuff that should have been left alone, and we had a row. I can kind of accept that it was my fault, but i was still really angry and hurt.
By Saturday morning I was feeling very guilty and wanted to make up, especially seeing as i couldn't talk to her all day. Richard, Pete, me, Jason and most importantly Craig went to Cardiff (plus family obviously) for Cardiff Mardi Gras, the biggest gay pride festival in Wales and second largest in the UK. Craig performed on the main stage, which was really exciting! Charlotte Church walked right past us, as did other minor celebs who were backstage. I felt like such a groupie, lol. Craig was brilliant, the audience seemed to enjoy it and all went well. (If you can call Craig being hit on by a drag queen all going well that is).
Basically it was what could have been a really great day, if it wasn't for the fact that after I txt Sarah to say sorry all I could think about was getting home and phoning her.
On Saturday night I did phone her and we had a massive argument again, which culminated in us breaking up, for good this time. I don't really want to go into it, but thats basically what happened. I can't really explain it that well but somehow this time I know that it's final and we won't get back together again. I cried a lot, mainly on my mum's shoulder. Both of the 'rents were really sweet about it. I love my family for being so understanding and putting up with me. I am feeling better today than at the weekend, but I wish things could have been different between us.
Urgh. Now I'm feeling all weepy and sentimental again I think I will attempt to cheer myself up by dyeing my hair.
Sometimes it really is too late.   
06:30pm 06/09/2004
  Alison Krauss- It Doesn't Matter

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I bleed

You've been on a road
Don't know where it goes or where it leads

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay

You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away

It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I bleed

Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years