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Sunday, December 26th, 2004
12:40 am
and all i need to know is that im something you'll be missin...
maybe i should hate you for this
never really did ever quite get that far
maybe i should hate you for this
never really did ever quite get that..

i never lied to you
unless i had to, i'll do what i got to
unless i had to, i'll do what i got to the truth
is you could slit my throat
and with my one last gasping breath, i'd
apologize for bleeding on your shirt

cuz im a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
this will be the last that you get to drop my name
if i'm just bad news, then you're a liar....

two, almost three years later. the same song and dance. this time, unprovoked. no soft, smooth music in the voice of a siren, luring me to the rocky depths of denial and addiction to the words that mean everything and nothing all at once...you would think after so many bruises and internal wounds a girl, a sensible girl, would learn that nothing good comes of this. nothing worthwhile comes of US. but i swear, without the chemotherapy of CLOSURE i'm getting nothing but endless growing cells of THIS inside of my heart, my mind, my sense of reality and my sense of love. and i swear, i can't live like this anymore because it's going to completely decimate EVERYTHING.

one final time, i'll beg for closure. i'll beg for " i love you and i want to be with you". i'll even plead for "i dont love you and i dont want to be with you", anything but this ridiculous cycle of highs and withdrawals i've been in for almost 3 years. about 1/6 of my earthly existence. honestly, that scares me.

as you can see, i've decided to bring the blurty back to life because there are some things i dont want people to know about. this is one of them. i wish i could end this and move on with my life, but i guess that's up to him...

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Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
10:44 pm - white days like this...
what i acknowledge as what i hate most about myself...

my moodiness
my inability to be happy in forced solitude
my capriciousness
my procrastination
my constant indecision.

not a good mood today, not at all...

but i shoudl be... im going to DMB tomorrow.

oi, when it rains, it pours....

bye.

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Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
11:59 pm
there is something wonderfully timeless about eating home made spaghetti sauce and linguine at dusk, el fresco. the glasses of iced tea sweat onto the glass table top through which you can see forever. sitting on wicker chairs on the deck- the wind whipping at your back but so subtly muting the oppressive heat of summer nights such as this one. conversation helps make the night comfortably warm and inviting-there is such familiarity but opposition is certainly at work- it is a thing of such novelty that you couldn't have expected it, even a billion years from now- and you think to yourself... this is something that could almost be considered epic with proper time given for development- give it a few more movies, a few more dinners, a few more hours... and then maybe, if you're lucky, you've found something worthwhile for the first time in your eighteen years. part of you is thinking... this is perfect. the other part of you is thinking of another night, another meal, another gust of wind, another deck, another view of the pristine sunset- and wondering... what am i doing here? after this beautiful night and this priceless excursion, you sit in a daze, deciding deep in your heart... did this just happen? was it supposed to? is it destiny or just denial of something else you are certain could never, SHOULD never be right? like a flourescent light flickering in a dim basement, like a computer flickering on and off before an imminent power outage, your brain changes it's mind in the most capricious fashion. eenie meenie miney mo...he loves me he loves me not he loves me he loves me not i love him he loves me not he loves me i love him not and it just keeps going until your unsure if you even love yourself...sometimes, isnt it just easier to say no? to hold out for that... ideal... that some call l'amour, others lust and still others the infamous "puppy love"? isn't it so much easier to hold out for that person you've always wanted, for that love you SWEAR you feel, for that ABUSE you don't realize is there? and isnt it easiest of all to maintain a feeling that you are, indeed, comfortably numb? however... isnt it so much more fulfilling to find someone else who is able to appreciate a home cooked meal and do the dishes afterwards... someone who understands that maturity is, in some situations, more important than materialism and so what if my maternal instinct is stronger? so for now, i'll just sit here... pondering the events of the day and what choice i will make.

current mood: contemplative
current music: miranda sound- midas

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Monday, June 21st, 2004
1:07 pm
tonight... i'm going on what is called a "date"... whoah... new occurences all the time...

it'll be fun :)

current mood: excited
current music: me and the moon. something corporate

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Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
12:08 am
i watched The Wedding Singer.

i need to marry someone like Robby Hart.

that's all there is to it.

current mood: nostalgic
current music: everything 80's...

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Tuesday, June 15th, 2004
12:28 am
so i've got this crazy feeling that im a little bit crazy.

i feel like im getting sucked back into oblivion about mike... for some reason...i dont wanna get away. but at the same time i do...


"i'm twisted cuz one side of me is telling me that i need to move on- on the other side i wanna break down and cry...."

damn... usher knows what he's talking about.

i know what you're all thinking... stop bitching about mike. stop it now. but the thing is... i'm only half bitching. i really really REALLY like the fact that he's an integral part of my every day life again...

"and i wish you weren't worth the wait cuz there's some things i'd like to say to you..."

mike should not be worth the wait... i've been in this state of tired submission for about two years now..
but honestly... i keep taking every path i see... and they all end up leading me back to this, and to him. it's comforting to know that he's here... and he'll always see me as beautiful...he'll appreciate my nerdiness...he appreciates my gray sweatpants, hoodie, ponytail and complete lack of makeup. he is the one and only occasion where i dont get sick of him after the chase... but maybe that's because i've never stopped chasing. and the thing is... i've gotten used to all of his terrible habits... and they're beautiful to me now. they have no negative connotation. they're just a part of what makes him MIKE. i've gotten to the point where i appreciate these things...and to the point where i look at his good qualities and realize why i AM friends with him... not all the bad reasons why i SHOULDNT be friends with him. i need to remember about all the times i've been SO upset and he's been there to help. all the times i've 'been in a terrible mood and he's made me smile. that time last week when we had to basically take drastic measures to keep outselves within the boundaries of platonic friendship. those 5 hour long phone conversations during finals week of my sophomore year. the realization that he says the most wonderful things and makes me feel more beautiful than anyone i've ever met. he's given me a gift i couldnt get anywhere else... and that is a relationship that picks up where it leaves off EVERY single time... regardless of whether it should...all i know is that in the greatest spectrum of our relationship, i'ts been good. even wonderful...never ordinary... the feeling i get in my stomach when i see him has YET to be replicated... with pj, it was close... but it was different. and somehow, i wonder how much of the feeling i got when i was with pj was because i was another step closer to escaping mike. but that wasnt the truth, and pj wasn't the truth... so here we are again.

mike is not about convenience, contrary to some people's popular belief. i prefer his friendship to the physical aspects of US. somehow, he is able to create a feeling of wonderful serenity in me any time he is around...

i dont know what is wrong or right to do in this situation. but what i do know is that the right thing will be whatever i end up doing... it will all serve a purpose in the end... to help me love him or leave him.

if leaving is necessary... college may be just the antibiotic i've been searching for with clenched fists for the past year and a half...all of these solutions i keep finding are very strictly temporary.

you can never learn to swim if you dont jump in the water,right.

and referring to one of my earlier entries...
carpe
fucking
diem.

current music: john mayer-comfortable

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Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
7:17 pm
i'm so tired of trying.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
can i please just go to college now? leave everything and everyone behind?

current mood: rejected
current music: taking back sunday

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Monday, April 19th, 2004
11:21 pm
it's funny how sometimes, out of nowhere, this thing willl happen. and it fits better than things you've known about before.

and i love the contentment that comes along with that.

dinner with the family? sure, sounds great. abuh?

hehe. slowly but surely becoming completely invested.

<3 kady

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Sunday, April 18th, 2004
2:27 am
hands down, this is the best day i can ever remember...

unless you count yesterday.

:)

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Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
9:44 pm - We won't stand for hazy eyes anymore...
I'll leave the lights down low
so she knows I mean business
And maybe we could talk this over
Cause I could be your best bet
Let alone your worst ex
And let alone your worst...

I wanna hate you so bad
But I can't stop this
anymore than you can

So honestly, how could you say those things
when you know they don't mean anything
And you know very well
that I can't keep my hands to myself,
hands to myself

I wanna hate you so bad
But I can't stop this
anymore than you can

This is all wrong and it shows
There's certain things I promised not to let you know,
You've got a silly way of keepin me on the edge of my seat,
not to let you know
I never let you, never let you, never...

You've got this silly way of keeping me on the edge of my seat
But you're only counting the clock against the train
And I'm miserable, oh
You've got a silly way of keepin me on the edge of my seat,
And you're just getting started
I'm miserable, oh

You've got me right where you want me
Let's never talk, let's never,
let's never talk about this again because...
I didn't want it to mean that much to me

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Monday, March 29th, 2004
4:15 pm
people dying= not cool.

not cool at all.

understatement maybe?

:-/

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Thursday, March 25th, 2004
10:22 pm - something i really enjoyed writing for AP literature...
TRUTH
Truth is the sometimes undesirable fact that must be brought to light. It is the look in a child’s eyes when they mention the spinach between someone’s two front teeth. It is an old woman, tracing and retracing the wrinkles of her face, weary and worn by time as she looks longingly into the mirror and her past of youth. Truth is the disappointment in a student’s eyes when they look begrudgingly at the grade on the paper they know they should have spent more time on. It is every story in the newspaper that tells of tragedy, corruption or, less often, the beauty and innocence of human life. It is a worried mother glaring sternly at her seventeen year old daughter who has just completely broken curfew, and the understanding that she is now grounded. Truth is the daughter’s understanding that the enjoyment of the night before is not worth the next two weeks of imprisonment and the disappointment in the eyes of her mother. Truth is the realization of a young girl that the boy she has fallen in love with barely knows her name, let alone reciprocates her feelings. It is the tear stained pillow where she rests her head and dreams of that special someone. It is the alarm clock that rings at 6:00 in the morning, and the realization that pressing the snooze button is only a temporary solution. It is the far more jarring wake up call when the phone rings at approximately 5:07 in the morning, with the information of a loved one’s death on the other end of the wire. It is the calling hours and funeral, the grief stricken faces and the empty box of tissues, the comforting hugs and unsure promises that everything will be okay again someday; the weary understanding that death is inevitable and permanent.

and how i wish we had assignments like this all the time....

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Saturday, March 20th, 2004
11:40 am
well... i'm not paranoid.

i'm ridiculously accurate.

the end.

:-/

current mood: disappointed
current music: dashboard confessional...

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Thursday, March 18th, 2004
12:50 pm
i want to date jake ryan from sixteen candles.

i think... that is one of my favorite movies. <3

i should go do something productive now so this day isn't a total waste. haha

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Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
11:52 pm - haha, such a girl kady....
well, i've decided that it's my turn to be confident in what i have to offer.

i am better than what i've been given in the past (mike)

i am worth what i could have now (eddie)

i have worth, period.

just let it goooooooo how it goes. be coooooooooooooooool as maggeh says. and she's right.

*************************************************************************************
so kady, go ahead and stop being a dumb girl.

thank you in advance,
yourself.

current mood: nervous
current music: the receiving end of sirens- bell book and candle

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Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
5:20 pm
HEIGHT: 5;8
HAIR COLOR: darkblonde
EYE COLOR: bluish green most of the time. sometimes more one than the other
PIERCINGS: 3 holes.. ears and one cartilage
TATTOOS: naww
r i g h t n o w
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? jeans and a baseball jersey that says "st. james #33" from the thrift store :) and zebra socks.
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: snowwyyy and cold
HOW ARE YOU? content...maybe a little bit giddy...
f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: to be honest... i dont watch it too much lately
BOOK: the lovely bones-alice sebold / like the red panda - andrea siegal / timequake- kurt vonnegut
NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: dr. pepper
ALCOHOLIC DRINK: hmm..i dont really drink
h a v e y o u
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: nope
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: nah
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: of course
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: no...
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: yup
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: nope
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: a few
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: ohh many times
r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: yeahh.. banquethall shit.
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: barenaked ladies cd, maybe you should drive (hah)
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: purple mountain's majesty... or robin's egg blue
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: driving, talking to people who i enjoy, staying home alone, music, bubblemint flavored gum, hope, college, france in less than 3 weeks. :)
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: i dunno... i kinda want the 5 for fighting cd. because that 100 years song is pretty.
w h e n / w h a t w a s t h e l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: a couple nights ago when i got a phone call at 3:30 from a friend who needed me.
YOU GOT E-MAIL: today :)
THING YOU PURCHASED: toothpaste, q-tips and a bottle of juice for wake-a-thon
l o v e
BOYFRIEND: no..
CURRENT CRUSH: without a doubt. :)
BEEN IN LOVE?: i guess so... maybe once.
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: oh man... just a little. but i see the light at the end of the tunnel now. and i know it will be okay. and that i'm better than that.
BEEN HURT? i guess so... nothing that has ruined my life, though.
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: actually... none anymore. until about 3 weeks ago, i would have told you that the end of summer 2002 was it... but now... i don't regret that anymore.
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS: ugh...no, but it's been close... mistake city, let me tell you.
y o u r t h o u g h t s o n
ABORTION: it's such a gray area... i mean, i know i'd never do it just because ew it looks painful... and also... to think of a little unborn baby makes me cry regardless.
TEENAGE SMOKING: well i wouldn't say i'm a fan of it...
SPICE GIRLS: i remember them...that reminds me of 6th grade skating parties.

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5:13 pm
it's days like today when i gain contentment from the smallest things. and it feels wonderful.

no, i don't believe there's a thing i can complain about today.

:)

the snow is inconvenient, but so beautiful.

j'aime beaucoup quand la vie est comme ca :)

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Saturday, March 13th, 2004
12:31 pm
so... it's a little strange that all of a sudden i feel this immense amount of pity for this one girl... who i've referred to in previous entries as being stupid and blind. and yes, she still is. it's just i feel bad for all the things i've done now... her boyfriend cheated on her with ME. and now i'm starting not to mind her as much, and i'm starting to feel really really REALLY guilty.

and i'm learning that all the things i've done were worth NOTHING in the end, and now i've got this guilt. i just need to not have the guilt anymore. but i can't tell her this. it would crush her.

she's just seeming... so... innocent lately. and i feel like shit.

it's like seeing a blind person on the street, and purposely leading them in the wrong direction.

god i'm a terrible person.

-kady

current mood: weird

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Friday, March 12th, 2004
9:19 pm
i feel this insanity of just wanting to keep him here forever. i never want anything else, and that's insane because REAL feelings don't come so soon. but god, i know more about him than i did about my last boyfriend. and wow. i'm not even dating him yet. so this is crazy, but in a good way. i'm not gonna rush it but right now i just feel like i wanna burst through the door, gasping for air and telling him that i can't live without him. and maybe the truth is i cant.. because maaaayybe... but maybe never means a damn thing, and you and i both know that. so why do i think about things like this? maybe because i have this immense hope that i'm leaving it all behind, adn that i dont have to deal with ugly things anymore. maybe my life can become the fantastic epic i've always ALWAYS wanted. or maybe it won't. i hate myself for feeling this way because i'm denying other things i said i felt SO strongly about. but c'est la vie, eh? i mean, honestly... compare 1.75 years to 1.75 weeks and there's NO way that the weeks shouild begin undermining the years. i'm going to throw myself into this now, because it's beautiful and ya know what? what do i have to lose. there is NOTHING that i can lose, but SO MUCH i can gain. and i just want something that marvelous, that majestic... that nothing else in this world could matter, no matter how much i try to make it so. i wrote about a morning sky a while back... and that feeling is back full fledged, except that outside the sky is dull and gray and lucid and indifferent. i'm creating colors, beautiful colors that are so vibrant and chilling that i've never seen them in my LIFE. then i begin to wonder if mayybe just MAYBE i was faking feelings because i have this goddamn obsession with MY LIFE as a romantic comedy. and maybe some day i'll realize that feelings are not to be tampered with. and maybe what i'm feeling is FAKE. but i'll tell you something right now, as it seems, i'm feeling something so ridiculously new that it can't be the same kind of feelings i had with dave... no. and my world is red and orange and this beautiful rose, and purple mountain's majesty like from the box of the crayolas of my preteen years. and i just feel so ALIVE. i long for this to be what causes my life to change. i want change, and i need change. and hey, what the hell, why not becuase this is so different than EVERYTHING. so maybe it IS real. and maybe people who say it's impossible to have "feelings" after knowing someone for 2 weeks should experience THIS and tell themselves to stop being so pessimistic. because im not. i'm seeing this glass as half full, and this relationship as half started. and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. because i CARE about my life right now, and i LOVE my life, and as much as i feel like a stupid goddamn romantic comedy saying this.... oh god i dont even know what i want to say right now. cuz i dont wanna speak. i just wanna feel how i do. and i dont want anyone to tell me that i'm being melodramatic. but i dont wanna feel that i AM being melodramatic either. i FEELLLL it okay? no one could possibly know it. it's just, i've been so enlightened... about why my previous choices have been wrong. and god, i've made mistakes but this ISN't going to turn into one of them. i'm just going to take it slow... because i like having this beautiful sunrise in my life. i just have so much hope. i can never ever explain to you why.

but wow, isn't the sky just beautiful? look beyond the grey, and then you'll see. i promise.

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3:28 pm
the coolness of my life never ever ends.

il y a un garcon interessant...je pense qu'il est chouette :) :blushes:Voyons.
::ends french::

aaannnyways,yeah life is cool. and i think i might just stay home tonight and think about things...i guess it depends on what there is to do, but honestly i think that maybe i'd just rather stay home and read. and watch amelie again. because yeah, i like that movie.

i think im going to stop swearing so much. it just can't be attractive. not that im not gonna swear at all anymore... or look down upon those that do... i'm just not gonna anymore.

so here's the last of the F word.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

okay i'm done. no more F word for me. ever.

everything else is fair game though.

i bet i'll update a little later on, i dont feel like writing down the details of my life at this point. in fact, im not sure this entry had a purpose...

but smile, okay?

-Kady*

current mood: hopeful
current music: barenaked ladies- maybe katie

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