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coheed and cambria - neverender |
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i was reading over old journal entries and deduced that i havent really wrote a journal about anything besides my jetset life. so here goes, in what could be one of the final journal journals.
things are so much different now then they were in say.....november. everything changed so quickly. but i cant say that it all happened without a catalyst. im not blaming anyone besides myself. i created a different life after the birth of this new year. my relationships with people, i assume will always be weird for the rest of my life. (minus my baby momma...eww). but anyhow, yeah i started a new universe within myself in about 2 weeks. i kept thinking on january 1st, im going to start talking to john again like i did in the summer. before that it was more like we would call on fridays and see what each other was doing. and he would pick me up, we would do absolutely nothing then call it a night. but i decided to try and resucitate that relationship. i did, but it cost me one of the greatest friendships ive ever had. and to this day, i still take all the blame for what i did to joe. i understand fully that what i did was so fucked up, no matter how fucked up in the head i was at the time. i ended up in a whirlwind of drinking/drug inhalation every night. you name the drug it was done at some point during the week.
with john, i met jim. who turned to be a real cool guy. alot more than i expected came of him. i just thought he would end up being a guy john knew and that i said whats up to whenever. with him i met erin and andrea. and i expected nothing from that because i was emo brian who was a puss, etc....
well fast forward a little bit, and me and andrea started getting close, and things started getting weird. danielle came home from school, and was one of the first girl i met that knew/listend to most of the bands that i did. so all 6 of us started hanging out almost every night i think and we drank...drank...and drank...the closer me and andrea got the farther apart the 6 of us got. i cant explain why but some dumb things ensued on the way and everything got fucked up. i still cant explain some things, but whatever its all in the past and in back of me. im goin on.
fast forward even farther to now and im going to be a father. things have definitely changed since november.
but i wish things could be different with my relationships with the other 4. they are their own persons, so i cant tell them what to do and what does my opinion/advice/voice really matter to anyone when you have your heart set on doing something? but i wish i had a better friendship with jim and john. honestly. if it wasnt for them i wouldnt be where im at right this moment. i would have never met andrea, and things would be different. but i mean, they are young and they dont have the responsibility which im about to have so they can do whatever they want. and thats fine with me, why tell people to stop what theyre doing until i can go back out and do it again? retarted nonsense if you ask me.
but to not really further the issue anymore, in hindsight ive realized i did alot of things for my own sake, my own selfishness. and i also think theyres a level of maturity you kinda reach when you can acknowledge your own faults. and hindsight is 20/20. but theres nothing i can do to change whats been done. im just really hoping this can change at some point. everyone is really only a phone call away, but i dont blame anyone for not wanting to talk to me.
oh yeah, ive been listening to alot of coheed and cambria lately. not that they would put me in this mood but...
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anxious
quixotic
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blah
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exhausted