r4in is f4llinq ..'s journal

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Wednesday, April 7th, 2004
4:41 pm - journal change.
i'm no longer using blurty. for now, anyways.

if you wanna keep track of me, continue at-

current mood: creative

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Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
8:23 pm - ugh !
wow. johnstown is soo stupid.

i'm movin' to clifton park. new hartford wouldn't be bad either.

current mood: crappy
current music: --

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Monday, April 5th, 2004
3:26 pm - whoa
i haven't written in this in a few days .. aww :(

well, saturday.
i was up nice & early and ready to take on the world. i showered & ate & spun & got all ready for practice and the rest of the day..
practice went well .. besides the fact that everytime i picked up my sabre i hurt myself.
we did our show to disco .. haha, it was exciting :-d
we did out run-through, packed up and changed & loaded the van.
it took a million hours for the bus to get there, so i sat down outside & started on make up since its wicked hard to get a mirror to not move around on a bus.

arrive @ east syracsue-minoa high school; 6:00

yikes -- we're at championships :-/ !!
so, we go to the room, make sure we're all pretty, go to the bathroom, and be back and ready for warm up at this random time.
so during warm up we're all like totally freaking out & a lot of people were dropping a ton of shit -- and that's never good..
"2 minutes!" the guy from the back corner yells
... ohmigod
and then we're there.
suddenly, it seems we were shot onto the performance floor when in reality it was over a span of about 5 minutes.
we all rushed to set our flags and sing-
"my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, 'it's better than yours.' damn right, it's better than yours. i could teach you, but i'd have to charge."
- the crowd was screaming, and the lights, thank god, weren't the bright spot light kind you normaly see, but more like the old ones on the ceiling of an applience shop.

as we walked off the floor, we were all screaming & smiling & sweating & hugging. we performed our hearts out. had the most perfect show we could have, no drops, no mistakes. but, of course, someone always has to rain on our parade ... trumansburg. sure, their show is nice.. but they moved down a class from last year, only have 7 [older] girls, and compete in wgi [a higher level] in a higher class. yea. pretty cool!
anyways, silver medals again.. oh well, at least we medaled.

sunday was simply looong.
we arrived home around 12:30 the night before, and if you move the clocks forward, thats like 1:30.
in reality, i went to bed at 1:30, so that's like 2:30. then i had to wake up at 6:30, so, what is that? 4 hours, maybe?
i went up before the rest of the guards to see show three [my new hartford & shen jv lovies, great job, you guys. i loved it. that's all that counts ;) :-*] so, we're on the road by 8 to be at the show when doors open.
[great job to amethyst gold & shen open, too! i <3 you tay!]
i ended up riding the bus home-- that was fun. haha... people twister! :-d
got home at 7:30ish ... so tired.

random things that happen on buses-
ben & ethan eating my bun.
people twister!
moist towellete.. eek!
singing ... haha :-p
"you look like you needa piiiimp ;):-p"
billy idol :-/
"you're my favorite deputy. ha, its like a bad western porn!"
whoooa, whoooooa! dude, that looks so surreal!
there's a snake in my boot.
shenendehowwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaa jedi!!!
helping roberta back the bus up -- "how we doin?" ... "good!" ... BEEEEEEEEP
long term bitchin'.
chain bitchin'.
"that was a bitchin' orgy!"
measuring. hahahahah
"say 'fantabulous' " lol.

-- yikes, i cant remember anymore!

i'm off to do homework. i'll be updating later, loves.

current mood: tired
current music: punk rock princess -- something corportate

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Friday, April 2nd, 2004
7:04 pm - hate.
i hate everything.
i hate my mom, i hate the things she does & says to me. i hate the fact that nothing i do is ever good enough. i hate knowing there are people talking about me behind my back. i hate not knowing whats going on. i hate my life. i hate the person i am
i hate everything.

once again, i feel like the whole world is passing me by ... staring as they go, leaving me behind, keeping me in my exile

is there something wrong with me? something i didn't do quite right? is there something expected of me that everyone, but me, knows? what's the big secret?

great.. in my fury i lost track of time. now it's dark. i hate spinning by nothing but the flood lights on the garage.
championships tomorrow .. so nervous. i'm afraid for my show ... no one else's. the minute you start thinking about someone else's show is the same minute you stop thinking about yours.

"when you walk out on that field, be thinking - 'all of you better be clapping 'cause johnstown has taken the field. this is our show & we're going to perform for you. we know we're champions, all we need is for the judges to tell us that...' " -- mr. jones, marching band championships, 2003.

i like the rain. i like snow.
i like knowing that there are certian people who won't ever leave me stranded. i like talking, communicating, expressing myself, being unique.

i don't like dumb questions, especially if im fucking aggrivated.

i like music. i like people, all kinds of people- emo, punk, rockers, drama queens, musicians, jocks, the "cool" kids, good kids, bad kids, idiots. i like people that like the types of things i do. i like being outside. i like the sun. i like warm weather, and the wind.

i don't like being labeled, especially without reason. i don't like being ignored. i don't like making decisions. i don't like trying to be pretty.

i like to daydream. i like the believe, to hope, to understand. i like drama, and scandal, and controversy. i like just about everything a normal human-being shouldn't. i like ice cream. i like large groups. i like small groups. i like going to friendly's. i like reese's anything. i like sprinkles, especially funny colored. i like sandaes, and soft serve. i like wendy's. i like being involved. i like to be known, to be someone.

i don't like a lot of meat. i don't like many veggies.

cucumbers are cool.
tomatoes aren't.

i like christmas lights. i like golf courses. i like the stars. i like astrology. i like superstions. i like nail polish, and lotion. i like bright colors, and dark colors. i like eyeliner. i like weird sented things, like lemons.

i'm going.
good fucking night.

current mood: aggravated
current music: something corporate

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Thursday, April 1st, 2004
9:26 pm - thursday.
it's raining. it has been most of the day. i love the rain...

i don't have anything greatly profound to say today .. i'm totally drained.

ah... where to begin ....

well, i had a completly random final exam in art today. i think i did quite well, actually..

my spanish class got in a lot of trouble. i hate my class so much..

ahh.. guard. the highlight of my day.
championships = 2 days. eeeeek:-/:-D
we usually don't have practices on thursday's, but im so glad we did.. we don't need it, but if we want gold, we do. i'm pretty confident in my show.. but im soo afraid i'll be the one to screw it up for everyone.

i don't feel like typing right now.

i'll write a lot tomorrow.

good night.

current mood: confused
current music: globes & maps -- something corporate

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Wednesday, March 31st, 2004
8:07 pm - well
sigh.. it's been an interesting few days, to say the least.

don't you LOVE knowing people that appear to be your friends are talking about you behind your back? yet you don't have the slightest clue as to what they're saying?
'cause i know i do. >:O errghh....

i wish i made sense every now & then.
i wish i wasn't confused by evey little thing said to me that's slightly out-of-the-norm.
i wish i could see what other people see in me, the positive and the negative. i wish i knew who my friends were, who i can trust, who will listen. i wish i was anything but the way i am.

soo many wishes, too little time. so much darkness, not enough of light. not enough of stars to gaze at, and hope and pray to, that all your dreams come true. not enough..

not enough time, not matter how much there is floating about in abundance. not enough feelings, words, thoughs, to describe anything. never enough..

i've always been more comfortable talking through writing than any other form. instant msging for example.. i've always felt like i have more courage discussing something online... if i need to ask someone something really dumb or embarassing even, at least i don't hear them laugh at me, or see their imediate reaction..
writing is easier than talking... the words just pour out of your thoughts onto the paper.. but with speaking, there's so much extra time for you to mess things up and turn them into the exact opposite of what they were intended to be.

at times, it feels like the world is just passing me by.
that's when i think and feel the most.

i wish there was a pause button for life. when things get messed up, just make it stop. rewind. fastforward. eject.


i've started thinking about things i'd love to do before i die.. here's the current list...

1. finish a marathon.
2. go on an alaskan cruise.
3. see the sun at midnight.
4. spend an entire night gazing at the stars with someone whom means something to me.
5. make snow angles in russia.
6. drink beer in ireland.
7. go white water rafting in new zeland.
8. swim in the ocean on the autralian coasts.
9. walk the savannahs of africa at midnight.
10. pick wildflowers in switzerland.
11. find a four leaf clover.
12. spend new year's in times square .. and to not be alone for it.
13. go to Dia de los muertos in Mexico, put on a paper mache skeleton and dance in a parade.
14. eat chinese food, in china.
15. go to montreal with nick.
16. spend A LOT of time in canada, especially the upper wildness.
17. spend at least a week in all 50 states.
18. see a broadway show, maybe even be in one.

current mood: uncomfortable
current music: dashboard confessional & something corporate

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7:04 pm - hmm.. this is neat
you're suposed to bold the ones that apply.. but since im not sure onw how to bold, ill just put a bunch of **stars** in front of what applies to me.

01. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 and a half years
****02. I still watch cartoons
****03. i've never seen The O.C.
****04. I love almost all music.
****06. I want a tattoo.
07. I wear glasses.
08. But mostly to read the blackboard and drive.
****09. I want more piercings.
10. but i can't ever get any more :-(
****11.I love to watch the rain.
****12. I like to walk in the dark at night with someone special and talk.
13. I don't believe in true love when i was younger.
14. I am a pretty cynical person sometimes.
****15. Sometimes I cry for no damn reason.
****16. I cry about stupid things.
****17. I hate being walked all over and treated like crap.
****18. It annoys me when people try to tell me how I am, and what I like.
****19. I love music.
****20. I am not sure if I believe in God. But i think i believe in a higher power.
****21. I often feel alone.
****22. I'm a sometimes loud and funny person.
23. A boy in high school shattered my heart into a million pieces.
****24. I get depressed sometimes.
****25. I hate it when people critisize me for what I like.
26. I crack my knuckles, wrists, ankles, back, etc.
****27. I fidgit with anything when I'm nervous.
****28. I'm a weird person.
****29. I consider myself pretty unique.
30. My eyes are brown.
****31. Listening to music usually helps my mood.
****32. I am a disappointment to myself.
****33. I love sleeping.
****34. I'm obsessed with Vanilla.
35. I have a few close friends.
****36. Okay, i have like 2 friends.
37. I need to lose weight.
****38. I like popcorn.
39. I love watching tv.
40. I like malls.
41. I like cold weather better than hot.
****42. I really dig Depeche Mode
43. I love Winter.
****44. I'm addicted to AIM.
****45. I have trouble trusting people.
46. I do not label myself anything besides "me."
47. I love my family. they're the only ones i got.
****48. I loathe hot weather.
****50. I hate shaving my legs.
****51. Sleeping is a hobby of mine.
****52. I like to listen to music everyday.
****53. I love white tigers.
****54. I love dancing.
****55. I don't always like the way I look.
56. I
****57. I'm a daydreamer.
****58. I feel lucky i met the right guy.
****59. I like when my friends write me letters//, it makes me feel special.
****60. I randomly doodle on pieces of paper or myself when boredom strikes.
61. I love all my LJ, DJ, and GJ friends.
62. I'm allergic to milk.
63. I wish people would stop making me cry over their stupidity.
****64. I hate people who try to be what they're not.
65. I went to boarding school for the last 2 years of high school
****66. I love all candy, well, most.
67. I get my feelings hurt really easy.
****68. I believe inner beauty is more important than outer beauty.
69. I wear pants a lot.
****70. I wish I had more money.
****71. I like to say what's on my mind.
****72. I hate blue jeans
****73. I'm online a lot.
74. I have 2 goldfish
75. I am for the most part happy with myself.
****76. I need to work out more.
****77. I like being alone at certain times.
****78. When I get angry, I curse to myself sometimes.
****79. i wish I could spend more money on friends/family.
80. I hate shallow people.
81. I'm a type 1 (insulin dependent) diabetic
****82. I ponder life way too much.
****83. Sometimes I think everyone hates me.
84. I wish my brother didn't die.
****85. I hate it when girls have their thongs sticking really far out of the back of their pants.
****86. I need to be showed I'm loved.
****87. I wish I was better.
****88. I hate discrimination.
****89. I hate guys who are only out for one thing.
90. I have a cute car.
****91. I love glitter
****92. I sometimes wish i was more social.
****93. I love my close friends.
****94. I love to have fun.
95. I get asmused so easily.
96. I'm a lazy ass. I really am.
97. I'm usually more outgoing when I'm around friends.
98. I love to be me.
****99. I like wearing hoodies.
100. I'm graduating college in June!

current mood: geeky
current music: nickel back -- figured you out

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Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
9:10 pm - hmm..
sorry for missing yesterday's update. i had this long, random entry typed up, but for some reason my computer didnt update, and i didnt copy the entry beforehand.

well, you didn't miss much.
yesterday, i dont really even remember if anything worth saying happened..
hmm.. well, let's just pretend there wasn't anything.

sooo.. umm...

we got our social studies tests back... 69 our of 65. go me! :):)
i did an "absolutly awesome" job on my DBQ *squeals*

wow. 2004 season, coming to a close.
tonight was the last tuesday practice.
we got rid of a rifle and almost a sabre .. long story, but the sabre is still with us, and the rifle didnt perform last week & no judges said anything about it..
all night, mr jones was like "okay, this is your gold-medal performance!" ... it kind of made me nervous.. i so want the gold medal.. eeek! 4 days...
friday the whole guard is wearing our t-shirts.. and some of us are going to do out hair & make up.. cuz we're cool you know.

well, i still have homework to finish up & am kind of in the reading mood, not writing...

update ya tomorrow.

oh, new book
"Loser" by Jerry Spinelli

current mood: amused
current music: noa -- wildflower [guard show:)]

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Sunday, March 28th, 2004
1:17 pm - guard

yesterday was the last competition on the season .. circuit championships = 6 days. eeeek!! :-/

i was sooo unbelievably nervous. last weekend, i dropped the biggest sabre toss of the show .. ew :(

but, as we were leaving i made mr. jones [the director] hug me. but then its only the loooongest walk to the performance gym .. ugh! lots of time to think of things that could go wrong :):):):)


the only guard that was in our division there was central square, the elvis guard. "a little less conversation"
last weekend they were only about a point behind us .. eep :-x

we had an awesome show :):) my solo was great; my leap was like 10 feet in the air, so it felt. i had a drop free show -- yay :):):):):):):):)

oh, yea, well, we won. 82.5 jumped 6 point something points from last week. ahh! yay :-d

sorry that practically none of this entry makes any sense. i'm tired & sick & not in the guard mood. maybe i'll delete this later. or edit, or something.

current mood: sore
current music: sidewalks -- story of the year

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Friday, March 26th, 2004
3:13 pm - Spring... :o)
well, today was eventful.

first per.- art, what fun.
our final project is due monday, and my group [that was picked at random >:O] doesn't have a clue. oh well, i did everything i was required to. go me.

second per.- social studies.
not bad.. today was "harry S truman day" in history world. "Give 'em hell, harry!" haha.. we had to draw political cartoons and crap.. no homework on fridays. yay :)))))

third- math, math land.. right next to history world.
mr raneri is something else all right... we were suposed to take a test today, but we went over homework and talked all period.. so i guess that's monday now. too bad i'll forget everything before then.

fourth- english.
wow! book test today.. friedrich by hans peter richter. i didnt understand half the things that happened in that book... but i read through kt's review sheet during math, so i had enough of a clue to pass the test.. [i think]

fifth- p.e., oh, the joy.
we ran the mile. goody. me 'n kt ran the first half mile, then i decided i was done with that & walked//ran on & off for the second. i ended up with like 11 minutes. that kind of got me mad. i would've done so much better if we had practices. this new gym teacher doesn't have a clue.

yea, i ate.

i played.

sixth per.- spanish.
i did worksheets.

seventh per.-science.
i did computer work. substitute teacher :o)

2:07. school dismissed.

my mom wasn't going to pick me up til three & i had nothing to do, so i decided to walk dan home, but then kevin decided to walk, too. so, i walked with both of them, went up to kevin's, was gonna play lacrosse, but nooooo, his mommy had to take the dogs to the vet's :-p.
so, they were gonna give me a ride like a block & a half to dan's, but DAN comes walking down the road, kev's mom drives like 10 steps & drops me off.
now i'm walking to dan's, lol.
we're outside spinning his rifle & and a random broom pole- just the pole, no broom- while singing "i believe in a thing called love".
i can only imagine what the neighbors think.


alrighty, i'm off for now. people to call, food to eat, you know :)

current mood: crazy
current music: --

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Thursday, March 25th, 2004
6:14 pm - wedsites you should go to.
^ band. listen to their stuff, the drummer rocks my socks.

^ no, i'm not obsessed.

^ i'm on there, in the community thing. x__L3td0wn

^ that's cool.

^ 10 days 'til championships.. go amethyst! and amethyst gold! and new hartford, and spectrum, and shen jv, and shen open and...

wow. i'm like an entry whore. this is the third one today, which is kind of sad, considering i have homework, and none of these are reallying saying anything worth reading.

tip off is soon... uconn vs. someone.. and after that, 'cuse vs. bama... oh boy..

vandy :o) *sweet 16* oh, what now.

i'm still quite upset that gonzaga lost... that ruined most of my bracket :o(

well... math to do... books to read...

feel like being incredibly bored? :o)
read 'Friedrich" by Hans Peter Richter.

current mood: stressed

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6:01 pm - ..echo..
close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by..
there is no time to waste asking, "why?"
i'll run away with you by my side..
now, run away with you by my side..

i need to let go, let go, let go of this pride..

do i expect to change the past i hold inside?
with all the words i say, repeating over in my mind..
somethings you can't erase, no matter how hard to try
an exit to escape is all there's left to find..

until this echo, echo, echo can sudside...


their lead singer is mad hot.
as is adam of maroon 5..

i <3 maroon 5.

current mood: blah
current music: trapt -- echo [obviously]

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5:10 pm - hey, this is new
well, i just realized this journal was new.. so i should probably tell everyone a bit about myself, and there's no better way to do that than to do one of these questionare things.

- me

*Name: Lindsay
*Middle Name: Nicole
*DOB: 2.25.90
*Age: 14
*Height: 5'3" ish
*Hair Color: Blonde
*Eye Color: greenish
*Siblings: no, sir.

- relationships

*Boyfriend or Girlfriend: :o)
*Crush: uh huh
*Do you love anyone right now: yes :o)
*Have you ever been in love: yes.
*How many people have you kissed: one, really. a few guy friends on the cheek, yay!
*Who was your first kiss: ethan brownell.
*How many hearts have you broken: one, maybe
*How many people broke your heart: one.
*Do you go more by looks or personality: starts with looks, ends with personality..
*Ever kiss a friend: on the cheek :-p

- favorite..

*Type of music: emo, punk, rock.. a bit of this, a bit of that.
*Color: black, grey, pink..
*Refreshment: vanilla sprite.
*Food: ask me when i'm hungry.
*Makeup: yea? a little daily, a lot when i'm depressed or creative.
*Candy: um... reese's.. oh, oh, and those zours things
*Gum: cinnimon, or fruity kind
*Subject(s): english.
*Number: 32.
*Animal: one kitty. sparky
*Instrument: flute//piccolo//alto sax//piano
*Website: www.maroon5.com
*Song: oh, i don't know.. depends on the mood//day. a few good ones are "sunday morning"-- maroon 5, "sidewalks"-- story of the year, "sic transit gloria..glory fades"-- brand new & "konstantine"-- something corporate
*TV Channel: fuse & disney: -p
*Sesame Street Character: uh.. i don't know. not elmo, i hate his laugh. ugh!
*Loud and angry rock band: uh.. story of the year, i guess.
*Sport: bastketball
*Scary movie: the ring is good..
*Thing in your room: My purple rug, walls, blankets, and light
*Swear word: bitch & fuck.
*Month: november.. and june
*Clothing brand: --
*Season: Spring :o)

- body

*What do you most like about your body?: uh.. hair, on a good day, i guess..
*And least?: eye color.
*How many fillings do you have?: none.
*Do you think you're good looking?: not usually.
*Do other people often tell you that you're good looking?: kind of
*Do you look like any celebrities?: that's a dumb question. and no.

- would you..

*Bungee jump: if you catch me in the right mood.
*Sky dive: no.
*Swim with dolphins: sure, why not?
*Scuba dive: probably
*Go rock climbing: yeah
*Eat shit for $1,000,000: ew... well, 1 mil? i don't know.
*Steal a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend: not purposely?
*Cross-dress: yeah. lol.
*Lie to your parents: suuure
*Walk up to a stranger and kiss them: lol.

- ever..

*Flashed someone: um.. i dont think so
*Told the person you liked how you felt: yes.
*Been to Michigan: no.
*Gotten really REALLY wasted: no.
*Gotten stoned: no
*Gone to jail or juvi: no
*Broken a bone: Yuppers
*Fell asleep in class: almost.
*Skateboarded: kind of, haha
*Skinny dipped: kind of?
*Stolen anything: yea, theses awesome sparkily buttons when i was like 4.
*Kicked someone's ass: yeah.
*Pegged someone in the head with a snowball: yeah.. oops:-p
*Been to another country: eh? canada [on a marching band trip =-o] & the bahamas.
*Be an exotic dancer: lol. im feeling this.
*Walk out of a restaurant without paying: lol. it's easy enough.
*Streak: sure.. i guess

alright.. that's good enough for now, i guess.

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