|
|
Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
| |
6:39 pm
|
You fuckin' fretless motherfucker you
gimme some god damn incentiveinspirationgoplay juice.
yeah
thank you
|
|
|
| Thursday, November 27th, 2008
| |
11:30 pm
|
watching jackass makes me feel like I'm 16 again...
or maybe 18
twas a simpler time
though rather dark and lame.
|
|
|
| Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
| |
8:48 pm
|
feels like a little black ball inside that's getting bigger and bigger.
some form of proper expression is needed.
I don't think I have that anymore.
|
|
|
| Wednesday, November 12th, 2008
| |
10:52 pm
|
over and under and a little roundabout. I wish I could just get what I wanted. But you know, I can. Just takes time and patience. Patience is very good.
Time is powerful and does a hell of a lot.
Well, not really time itself.
But the people involved with the time.
And everyone is.
it would be nice to write things a certain way and have the words come out exactly as I please. And I can do that. So it is nice. Just through some mediums of expression, it just doesn't happen. And that's what's up. Overall though, I can't complain.
The only thing I can complain about though is that it has kind of sucked from day one to type anything on this laptop because my hand continually hits the mouse pad and it gives me trouble.
statements
thoughts
words
conclusions.
well.....
conclusion.
|
|
|
| Tuesday, November 11th, 2008
| |
5:23 pm
|
hello people.
not much to update on I think. Nothing really.
Just sitting around and waiting for someone to call me back. About a bass. That I am trying to sell. Damn guy doesn't want to answer his phone apparently. I hate being dicked around like this. I doubt I'll have enough time to go to guitar center today even if homeboy does give me the money. Who knows.
my hair is long and matty.
today tomorrow the day after.
I feel uninspired.
what to do
fuck
this
shit
|
|
|
| Tuesday, November 4th, 2008
| |
8:55 pm
|
flatwound.
Inbound.
More like outbound.
And things are going down. In that business world. Life is still unpredictable.
Everytime I say life, I should say MY LIFE. Because, god damn it, I don't know shit about life. No one else's. And maybe I just don't know a lot about mine. I've got a cat lying on my right arm. And I've got a bass to my left. And a good woman to my right. I am surrounded by many things. Of which, who knows if I really deserve it all or not? Who knows.\\Oh, the unpredictabilities of my life.
All mine.
Here's hoping things work out in life in general. All around.
even though there's fewer around me.
There's still this though. And this connection.
okay.
well....
this is me running out of me
|
|
|
| Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008
| |
10:19 pm
|
something a little more. Something a little less. Some things go up and down and in between.
Some things just change.
And life goes on.
|
|
|
| Tuesday, October 21st, 2008
| |
7:31 pm
|
Sometimes when I'm playing music I don't feel like I am doing it well enough. Like there's something stopping me. Almost as if when I do it, something inside me, something behind my skin, trapped in my bones, is trying to get out.
Strange feeling.
|
|
|
| Monday, October 20th, 2008
| |
9:35 pm
|
Here I am.
Haven't been here in a while.
Life has been life.
I'm a boring person.
When I go north, I'm sure I'll write more.
Another thing to look forward to.
|
|
|
| Wednesday, October 15th, 2008
| |
7:06 pm
|
hup,1,2
waiting game
where do we go from here
I like the movie Vanishing Point
|
|
|
| Tuesday, October 14th, 2008
| |
7:57 pm - come one come all
|
nothing in this life is going to be perfect in absolute terms.
But in relative terms.... sure.
Faults in everything.
But that's just the way it is.
But away. Away and go about your business.
current music: dream theater
|
|
|
| Sunday, October 12th, 2008
| |
11:19 pm
|
RE:
From: Jay B (ploint479@hotmail.com)
Sent: Sun 10/12/08 11:19 PM
To: dannyceo@bellsouth.net
Yeah... I know you're sorry.
But.... it doesn't make it all better. You said very hurtful things [in anger or otherwise]. To me and Michelle. About our relationship. I wish the slate could be wiped clean. But I don't want to forgive right now. I don't. I'm still pissed. Although Michelle forgives you, but she just doesn't want anything to do with you now. She was holding out her forgiveness because she wanted things to get better. She didn't want to forgive and forget. It's like giving up on things getting better. I understand that, and I hope you can too. Now that she doesn't want to be around you anymore, she feels she can now forgive and forget. Which I guess means she's given up hope on this situation.
Which, yeah, it's really heartbreaking. But this is what your actions caused. Maybe someday or some way, things can change. There's always hope. But chances are slim and none right now. Who knows.
I'm not going to shut you out. You're my dad. But don't think I'm going to let this go so easily. I want to move ahead. But I just can't right now. I can't.
We need more than just things put behind us. It doesn't fix anything. It doesn't take back what's done. Nothing ever will.
I don't know what else to say.
From: dannyceo@bellsouth.net
To: ploint479@hotmail.com
Date: Mon, 13 Oct 2008 00:05:09 +0000
Subject:
Hey. The truth hurts, doesn't it? I'm talking about me. Thank you. I love you. I don't know why it took so long for you to bitch me out, but as far as I'm concerned, that is irevellent right now. I am sorry; I don't know what else I can say. You are my son and I am very proud of what you have accomplished to this point. Never mind you didn't tell me you plan to go back to college. I'm glad, even though it means you going away. I always told you that you have a knack for always doing the right thing. I think this decision is the right thing to do too. I always told you not to be like me. You,my son will be successful, unlike me. Please don't shut me out. I need you right now, more than ever. And I don't mean any disrespect to Michelle. I appologize for the things I said in anger at the moment. Let's just put all this bs behind us and move ahead, ok? I love you, Dad.
|
|
|
| |
11:16 pm
|
From: ploint479@hotmail.com
To: dannyceo@bellsouth.net
Subject: RE: party
Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2008 01:37:44 -0400
Well she did send a fucking letter to me. She of all people has no fucking goddamn right to call anyone stupid.
Michelle is not TRYING to come between us. Things happened and mistakes were made. That's why we're where we're at now. Michelle gets along with people just fine. It's the stupid ones that she has problems with.
I know you have problems. I know. And you need to find a way to deal with them properly.
Furthermore, I do write my own fucking letters. This is from me. From my heart. What I feel. She's not writing a goddamn word. I've been holding everything in. Now the minute I speak MY mind, you tell me it's someone else? Maybe I don't understand your problems. But you don't understand how I've been affected either I guess.
She's not a bitch. Don't ever call her that again. She's not being childish. She has the fucking right to feel the way she does. Maybe you don't understand that you ALMOST KILLED HER FATHER AND GRANDMOTHER. How easy do you think that is to just forget about and forgive? Michelle is not a bitch. And my dick is not living my fucking life. I love her. I want to be with her for as long as I can. Letting my dick live my life.. are you fucking kidding me? Is that how you see the both of us? Our relationship? I'm staying with her just so I can fuck her? Fuck your distorted view.
Michelle doesn't fucking rule me. What gives you that idea? What have you to go on? Because I do what she wants for lunch everyday? Because she's "keeping me away from you and mom"? Newsflash: Mom is happy for me Going back to college even if it is in Michigan. And it's not like I'm avoiding or abandoning her or anything. I've got to leave the house sometime. You know that better than anyone though huh? And if I remember right, you wanted to teach me a lesson... something about school being better than turning wrenches for the rest of my life. Lesson learned. Happy?
As for ruling... there should be no goddamn ruling in a relationship. Relationships are about equality and compromise from both parties. What love is there in ruling someone..? And I'm not Roxanne, dad. I don't say How fucking High Massa? if Michelle were to even ask me to "jump". And she doesn't. She doesn't. Surprised? But you know, to each his own. You have your relationship the way you want it and I'll keep mine the way it is. I love it. I love Michelle.
And you think Michelle wants to go home because she doesn't get along with anyone? And.. and people are avoiding her? Pray tell who, father. Who tries to avoid her? She's got friends she gets along with. As I mentioned earlier, though, it's the stupidity she hates. And sadly, there really is a lot of it.
And I've already addressed the whole forgive forget thing...
You seem to think Michelle thrives on conflict. Obviously you're assuming something here. And your assumption is.. ooohhhh... wrong. Wrong. What has she to gain out of this conflict. She's here all fucking alone besides me. What is there to gain? She's tried getting along with people. Conflict... she hates it. She hates this. You think all of this was her fault? Because she masterminded some scheme to create conflict? You don't know her. The last thing she wants is fucking conflict.
And how can Michelle stay out of your business when, uh, you kinda involved her in it? Hm?
hope you have fun with Luke and Eileen then. Enjoy the awkward feelings you get around them.
~jay
p.s.
some people, including myself, can only forgive so much.
p.p.s.
These have been my own words and thoughts. Hope you enjoyed the enlightenment [if any] my brain and heart have given you.
From: dannyceo@bellsouth.net
To: ploint479@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: party
Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2008 03:37:14 +0000
I didn't know she sent a letter to you. Michelle has been trying to come between you and me because she is pissed. The first problem is that she can't seem to get along with anybody. I know that I embarrassed you. I have my own problems to deal with. You have no idea what I have to deal with. When you do, let me know. Until then, you write your own letters, and tell her that she needs to stay the fuck out of mine and your buisness. Don't let her write your letters. Second, I love you. I know I embarrassed you and for that I am truly sorry. That's all I can say about that. I really don't know how to make it up to you. I will somehow.
Basically, what I am saying, is speak your mind always, and tell your girlfriend that she needs to get over it and to quit speaking what's on her mind and you speak what is truly on your mind. And, as far as what's on my mind, she needs to grow the fuck up and be a damn adult if that's what she wants to do. Right now, she is being an immature, childish, bitch. You don't need to live with that the rest of your life, but I am not going to tell you how to live your life. You have always done the right thing. Don't let your dick live your life. I always told you not to be like me. You're not being like me now, and that's a good thing. I waited all this time to figure out what it is that I needed. I don't know that this is what I needed, but for now, it will have to do. As far as Michelle, she rules you with an iron hand. My advise to you is not to EVER let a woman rule you. You always rule the woman. Michelle rules you. When she says jump, you say, how high. NEVER let that happen. Sooner or later, you will regret it. Michelle can't seem to get along with anybody. That's why she wants to go home. Everybody here seems to want to avoid her. Listen to your own feelings. Even now, she is trying to pull you away from your mom and me. Think about it. As far as me, I will never embarrass you again. I am saying that I can get along with your gf, though. I do have the ability to forget and forgive, unlike her. Blood is always thicker than water. Think about it. I love you. Apparently, she doesn't have this capability. You do. Do what you have to do for now. I understand. I am and always will be here for you. You are here for me now and I need you to be here for me. As far as Luke and his family goes, we are going to get together when they get back, so you tell Michelle she needs to stay the hell out of my buisiness. All she seems to want to do is to cause conflict. THAT is what she fucking thrives on. Think about it. I love you very much and will always be there for you just like you have always been there for me.
Love,
Dad
Ps. I still am there for her to, same as you. You see, unlike her, I can forgive.
-------------- Original message from Jay B : --------------
First... which one of you called Michelle stupid? You've got no fucking right to.
Secondly, I'd rather talk to you face to face when you aren't so emotional or whatever it is that you are right now.
From: dannyceo@bellsouth.net
To: ploint479@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: party
Date: Sat, 11 Oct 2008 01:54:03 +0000
You think thats's the the case? Look what your stupid girlfriend is sending me.
-------------- Original message from Jay B : --------------
So I'm sure you're gonna send me an email maybe. Or maybe call. Or neither. I know your phone is off, though. I tried to call.
You weren't invited to the party.
And it was nobody's choice but mine.
And you know why?
Everytime I've been out with you....EVERY TIME... You've gotten wasted. Maybe even before we went out. And there have been times when I told you not to drink. But you did. Roxanne wasn't helping. At all. And there's more.
You got completely messed up at Luke's going away party. I love Luke to death. I wanted to spend time with him. But I had to babysit. You almost completely ruined it for me. I was pissed off about that. I am pissed off now. I just don't show it. Because I want things to be civil. I don't need confrontation and negative feelings around all day. but that's beside the point. The point is you've disappointed me over and over again. Hell, every time you met Michelle's parents you were drunk. Even before all this. The first time you met you were at least buzzing. It's messed up that you think you need to be that way every time you hang out.
So yeah. You weren't invited to Eileen's because:
-The kids don't need to see you get messed up all the time. It's not good for them. Or anybody else really.
-I don't want to drive you home every fucking time there's some sort of social gathering. I fucking hate that.
-I guess, too, to show you that your actions have consequences even now. I know you screwed up and you're sorry. I know. But it happens again and again. And nothing changes.
-Maybe you HAVE changed. But I just don't know. You "changed" before. But we saw how that went.
I'm just sick of the bullshit. Everything. Just fucking everything. I wanted to have a good time. I wanted everyone else to have a good time. And, you know, I didn't tell you about the party because I didn't want you hurt. I didn't want you to feel like no one wanted you there. But I guess that got all fucked up huh? Fact is, it was all me. No one else to blame.
I hate everything that's happened.
Things have been fucked up. Beyond repair in some cases.
I hate this.
But there's nothing left to do but learn from mistakes and change for the better for good. I just want things to be better really.
I don't know what else to say.
Don't be mad at luke and eileen. Don't bother them anymore on their marriage retreat anymore. In fact, don't bother them at all about this. It's not their fault.
|
|
|
| Friday, October 10th, 2008
| |
8:48 pm
|
hm..
dad is seemingly not in his right mind. Drunk or otherwise. The email is littered with many errors.
Ugh,
I hate this bullshit.
But anyway. Here I am again.
You guys are there too.
And that's great to know.
|
|
|
| Thursday, October 9th, 2008
| |
8:02 pm
|
hey
here I am
again a victim of fuck uppery
but aren't we most...
write write write. God I'm glad to be going to Michigan. Saviors abound.
Hey there
|
|
|
| Wednesday, October 8th, 2008
| |
8:28 pm
|
Hello.
Michigan is in the future.
It is.
I will leave here.
It will be most likely some time next year I suppose.
The Great Escape.
A way to rescue my sanity. And my future. The future. Ah, the future.
Snow. A dog. A yard. Fucking clean places. Safety. And then a risk.
I'm going to be worried. I'm going to be scared. I'm going to be shaky. What the fuck is going to happen? I don't know. But I bet it'll be good.
It's been a good run here. Ups and downs though. Highs and lows. But where wouldn't either be present? Both are always there. And you know...
It's kind of like leaving behind a past. Yet.. still keeping up with it.
So much could have changed. One detail could be changed and none of this would have happened. I could have come home late one day. I could have done something other than what I did basically and there are so many variables.
You know.
Don't think I'll ever leave here though.
Ha..
Where else am I gonna go if not my main squeeze, eh?
This place too is a savior. A life changing thing. Indeed it is. And so it is a haven, a catalyst for change, and a place to wrecklessly abandon thoughts, recline into myself, live in my head, and figure shit out.
On and on the chronicle is written.
And on and on I breathe.
Nothing's ever going to stop.
But you never know.
But there's always hope.
And I think that's one of the lessons I've learned here.
And I can't unbelieve it. Unlearn it. Unconfide in the knowledge.
Un.
So here I am. And here I go.
Hope I don't miss too much.
or missed too much
current mood: later
|
|
|
| Monday, September 29th, 2008
| |
8:41 pm - please
|
It is rare hen the heart and head meet. And agree. And it can be a wonderful thing.
Mistakes though.. they can't be known until they happen. And in this very instance, I don't believe there is one to be made. In this situation, I think it could work out. Chances need to be taken. And one can't be safe forever. Or at least, I'd like not to be.
Unpredictability is one of the beauties of life.
Also a possibly horrid thing.
Sometimes you know.
the good kind of white powder. The safety of familiarity. The openness that can be duplicated. The new the old the things waiting to be discovered and the different paths of life which to take and how to cross? You gotta believe. I gotta believe. There's more than belief. There's life to tread through. And then maybe coast. As opposed to living paycheck to paycheck for life. I just don't know what's going to happen. I just want to know what I want to do. What I want to choose. Considering myself and others and myself and everything else.
Forever is a long time.
can it be achieved?
---
On a more literal note... I played with a squirrel the other day and it tried to store it's food in hair and down my shirt.
Cute.
current mood: please
current music: Radiohead - Thinking About You
|
|
|
| Sunday, September 28th, 2008
| |
10:40 am
|
absence does make the heart grow fonder... home's not what it used to be.
I had a ream last night. All I remember is that me and some of my family were in a car. And dad and Roxanne were there. And dad was drunk. Well, he acted more like he did on the xenex. So he was probably high. He had a lighter on him and he ad turned it up as far as it could go so it just basically sprayed lighter fluid. And he was spraying it all of the car and mostly in his face. because he wanted to die. And roxanne was sitting there laughing of course, saying He just likes playing with the lighter.
I had had enough of his stupidity.
And so I punched him in the face numerous times. While yelling at him.
And that's all I remember.
|
|
|
| Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008
| |
5:25 pm - no
|
today is an update. Tomorrow is an update. The day after is an update.
Work.
Life.
Everything else.
Weird sense of past today. Strange sense of the before time in the long long ago. So yeah... I felt like I was back there because I smelled a familiar smell and felt a familiar breeze and temperature and heard a familiar song.
Absence.
What's on my mind? Nothing. There's just a brain in my head and it feels heavy. And that's just precisely the way I feel and precisely what I'm thinking.
yeah
current mood: heavy
current music: Metallica - 2x4
|
|
|
| Sunday, September 21st, 2008
| |
11:02 pm
|
MYSTERY
history
study and remember and knowing this? This I don't.
Figuring on the day coming and speculating results.
In the end.
i know nothing.
and who knows if it even matters.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|