Teenage Loser's Blurty Entries [entries|Lovers|Remember?]
Teenage Loser

[ 5o4Plan ]
[ Teenage Loser ]
[ Remember? ]

[11 Aug 2004|11:11pm]
*hugs blurty*
I am back.
I am going to write in my livejournal, and you.
I am sorry I have neglected you, blurty.
I love you still.
| .. | In the sky

[30 Jul 2004|12:31am]
2 Stars | .. | In the sky

[27 Apr 2004|09:51am]
Here I am again!
I keep forgetting about this thing.
I am going to start writing in this again.

For my first update..
My life is going good.
I am happy.


I am doing a friends clean up. I know I haven't been on blurty for a while, but if you want to stay added as a friend, commet.

5 Stars | .. | In the sky

Welcome [11 Feb 2004|12:40pm]
*hugs blurty*

I missed you.
Should I come back to you, or stay with livejournal?
2 Stars | .. | In the sky

[10 Sep 2003|08:53pm]
I am keeping my live journal.
You can read that.


Go there.

Bye, Blurty.
| .. | In the sky

I'll be leaving in the end. [15 Aug 2003|11:57am]
Yo, gee!
I got a live journal.
Check it out.

| .. | In the sky

Tihs puts us in danger. [07 Aug 2003|03:28pm]
Wow. This thing is lame. But I want a few people to answer it. Not everyone has to. But yes. Don't be afraid to be honest. Fill out! Please! I love you.

I am lame!

Copy, Fill out, And Paste it in a comment in My Journal.

1.Am I cute?
2.Am I crazy?
3.Am I lovable?
4.Am I funny?
5.Am I annoying?
6.Am I psycho?
7.Am I daring?
8.Am I a good person?

*Would You*
1.Hug Me?
2.Miss me if I was gone?
3.kiss me?
4.make out with me?
5.Listen to my problems?
6.Be a good friend?
7.Run evil social espionage missions for me?

1.Would you Ever go out with me?
2.If you already have, would you do it again?
3.Kiss me?
4.Marry me if you could?
5.Ever talk bad about me if we ever broke up?
6.Make out with me in a cemetery?
7.Snuggle with me?

1.How Well Do You Know Me?
2.When's my birthday?
3.Who is my best friend?
4.Who am I crushing on/dating?
5.Favorite color?
6.Favorite Animal?
7.Favorite song/songs?
8.Favorite music groups?
9.What song would you dedicate to me?

If You Could*
1.Give me a new name, it would be?
2.Do one thing with me, it would be?
3.Drop me a piece of advice, it would be?
4.Kidnap me for a day, where would we go?

1.What do you love about me?
2.What do you hate about me (seriously)?
3.What is my best quality?
4.If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
5.What is your honest opinion about me?
6.What would you do if I sang out of tune?

1.what song (if any) reminds you of me?
2.Do I remind you of any characters on TV?
4.Have you ever had a dream about me?
5.Do you think I'm a virgin?
6.If you just met me how old would you guess I am?
7.Am I huggable?
8.If you could give me anything... what would it be?
9.If you could promise me anything.. what would it be?

1.Am I ugly, average, decent, good looking, beautiful, hot, etc?
2.Do you ever think about me offline?
3.If you could describe me in one word... what would that word be?
4.Do you/have you ever had a crush on me?
5.When we first met, what were your thoughts? (if you've met/talked to me?)
6.If you had to describe to someone who I am and what I am like, what would you tell them?
7.What are my faults?
8.My strengths?

1.Do you wish we were closer?
2.Why aren't we closer?


7 Stars | .. | In the sky

[06 Aug 2003|10:09pm]
I suck.

That's all.

2 Stars | .. | In the sky

Hmph. [04 Aug 2003|03:18am]
Haven't written since the plan concert.
Nothing has really been going on.
I was all by myself on Saturday.
I talked to Tajy three times on the phone that night.
Super cool, I suppose..
Sunday I want to Amanda's graduation party and slept over there.
We were hanging out.
We called Mikey.
No answer.
Called Mikey again.
Left a message on his cell.
He called back.
We woke him up.
He sounded way cute.
He wanted me to tell him right then what I needed to tell him.
I couldn't.
Amanda and I e-mailed him.
He is on.
Way too scary to talk to him.
I am going to wait for him to IM me..
Him and I will never talk about.
Amanda and I slept all fuckin' day today.
We woke up.
Hung out.
We came over here.
Hung out.
Mike and Justin came over.
They were here for awhile.
Now I am talking to Taj and things suck.

I suck at life.
The following people in my life hate me:


Amanda is being a cunt.
I am getting super sad.
Going into super depression.
Wanting to cut super deep.

| .. | In the sky

[03 Aug 2003|12:05am]
Whoa. Now this is working right.
| .. | In the sky

Whoa. [02 Aug 2003|12:59am]
Fe Hears: Fe Feels indescribable

Whoa. Tonight was crazy. 5o4plan show. Wow. That shit was off da hook. 'Fo sheezy. Alright. Listen up, cats. I am typin' here with a broken rib type deal.

5o4plan rocks the house.

Woke up. Sat. Got ready. Drove. Sang. Talked. Rocked.

Amanda and I got out of the car. I was going crazy. I was gonna see my Plan Boys. Eff yes, right? We go in, I go to pay, and I didn't even see Mikey. He said Hi and I was like thinking "Oh... Do me, babay!" So, I walked over behind there, and Mikey stretched out him arms, and I hugged him. Meggy and Lauren got there the same time as us. So yeah, we were all hanging out. Blah. The Local Scene played first. Then Threefold, and then The Snake. The Cross. The crown, Divide by Zero, and then my boys. 5o4plan. It was all pretty dull. They were good, though. So yes, The Snakeys were good. We all went outside and to get out and in, we had to kiss this guy on the cheek. He was sorta cute. But anyways. Amanda didn’t kiss him and I was like “Oh, she is a lesbian!” But yes.. Divide by Zero was amazing as always. I got pushed and I almost hit my face on Tj's guitar. I was like waah! So then yeah, we all moved to the front for the plan boys. Mikey was setting up and I asked him some questions. He was like rawr. God fucking shit fuck mother man! I love Mikey. Everytime I see him, or think about him, or look at his picture, I get all goofy inside. I could have a crush on him. He is so yummy. I just want him. Haha. Just pullin’ your pee pee. No, but I do kinda want him. But nope. Never. Good thing. So blah. 5o4plan played. Mikey said it was real cool to dance and everything. But just don’t kick him or the mic. So I was like hmm… Roger that, hott stuff! So, they started playing. People were going insane. People kept pushing me. And I was like fighting people off because people were almost hitting Mikey. And I didn’t want my little boy getting hurt. Lol. Just kidding about my little boy. But I didn’t wanna see him get hurt. So I kept like fighting people off, and pushing people back. And like fighting them to get the fuck away from Mikey. So yes. Some guy came up to be Mikey’s body guard type deal. He was real cool at first. But then he just turned into a jag. Okay, when I talk about this guy, his alias name is Dick. So, I was like holding on to Dick because I was flying everywhere. This show was fucking insane. Anyways, he kept like elbowing me and shit. And I was like alright… It’s not on purpose… But then he was doing it on purpose. I was like no way, man! I yelled at him, and he was like… ugh..

Me: Settle the fuck down… You keep fucking elbowing me you fuckin’ fag!
Dick: Aw… Boo hoo… Poor baby…
Dick: Oh yeah… *acts like he is jackin his pee pee* I love when you talk dirty to me…
Me: Oh… How cool… Stop touchin’ me…

I look down and the video taper for 5o4plan got that whole thing on tape for their dvd. I don't know if it is going to be on there... I hope so. So, I turn around and he says “Twice as hard next time” I was like Oh Please. So blah. Alright. So. He ran into me again, and I punched him in the face. And he just looked at me and I laughed. He was like “Oh yeah? Do it again! Do it again! Come on!” And he patted his face. I raised my eyebrows and pulled my arm back and fucking went crazy. I punched him in the face about 5 times. He backed up, but I kept punching. I would have kept going but Amanda pulled me off the fucker. I was getting so mad. I had to plug in Mikey’s guitar back in one time, and I thought he was going to fucking step on my neck because when I bent down, he looked right at me and his foot moved. I seriously thought I was taking my last breaths. Oh yeah, and he elbowed me in the lungs, and then did it in the same spot except on my back. I blacked out, and stopped breathing. I started coughing really bad. I couldn’t breathe. I kinda forgot where I was for a second. Then I heard Mikey, and Jon’s cute little “Whoa’s” I jumped him and started screaming again. I remember Lauren, Megan, Julie and Amanda holding me up. It was scary. So yes. Tonight was fucking insane, dude. Nick broke his drum sticks, and I got the head of one and the body of another… that, or they are madd long sticks. Oh yes, back to DICK. He kept pushing Mikey’s mic into Mikey’s lips. Mikey’s poor little, sweet, cute lips. Getting all fucked up from that fucker. I knew his lips were hurtin’. No one would even touch Dick and he would just go flying like a bat into Mikey’s mic. I was like oh you fucker! Mikey moved back. I felt so bad. Amanda and I were both thinkin’ like, ouch. Mikey like couldn’t play. He had to keep his hand on his mic half the time. I would hold onto it when I was steady. But that wasn’t often. Amanda was getting her hair ripped out maddstyle. Tommy is cute. I want him. Nick is hott. I want him. Mikey is fucking sexay as a mother fucker. I really fucking want him. And Jon has such a boyish cuteness about him.. It makes you want to sex him up. There was this girl crowd surfing. I didn’t want to touch her. She looked dirty. She smelled like tuna. I know it. Oh yeah, there was these guys tryin’ to break dance. It was funny. Anyways, Dick pissed me off. I have a broken rib. It hurts a lot right now. I can't sit up straight. Lots of pressure. Ouch. Amanda... I want Amanda to nurse it. MMM... Hmm… I am talking to Jon. The bassist right now. He is cute. I want to talk to Mikey man. But yes. Oh yes. There was this girl there and she kept looking at Amanda, Lauren, Meggy and I. She was really pretty. I think she wanted us. No. I know she wanted us. Nick’s girlfriend Stephanie is fuckin’ hot. If I was older, and didn’t have Amanda in my life, I would totally go for Stephanie. Even if she is straight. Or had Nick. Nick is too cute, man. I want him. Blah. Anyways, hmm… the plan played good. I loved it. I really did. I loved seeing Jon enjoying himself. He was singing and I was like “Yeah…. Jon!” And Lauren, Meggy and I started clapping. MMM. Oh yes, Sam from Midwest Blue was there. He was looking sexy like always. Hmm.. Jon high fived me. I liked that. I finally know who Julie is. She was the fucking annoying girl at the Metro show. Sorry, Mikey. But she made me mad. She is fucking annoying. But she is a cutie. Kinda. But yes, Nick and Jon’s girlfriends are hott. I would do them both. Hmm… I know I am missing stuff… Oh yes, my lady friend Beth was suppose to be there. Her and I talk online. She is a real cutie. I wanted to see her lots. Dance party. Humping. MMM. No show. *Bummed* Oh yeah, Amanda and I were wetting a lot. Like… a lot. It was like a freakin shower head downtown for us. I saw Mikey, and I get wet. I was like “Oh Fuck!”. Amanda danced a lot more this show. I liked it. She is great. Meggy and I danced. Lauren and I danced. Some guy I don’t even know danced with me. I was like Oh yeah. I know I am forgetting stuff. Oh yes! There is this kind of large guy who takes pictures, and he is real cool. We saw him at the Metro, and we called him the ladies man! And we saw him tonight and called him that and he remembered us! I was like Oh yay!

If you’re between 18 and 25… I love you.
If you’re not between 18 and 25, I don’t love you.
Jon is an exception.
So is my friends.
Party hard.

I love Mikey.
I love Nick.
I love Tommy.
I love Jon.

That's not in order after Mikey.

Oh yes, I got my arm split open on a wall. MMM.

Leave a comment and tell me how jealous you are.

Leave a comment if you’re from the plan.

You’re so beautiful it hurts to look at you…

| .. xoxo .. |

8 Stars | .. | In the sky

yippie [01 Aug 2003|01:09am]
I get to see my plan boys tomorrow.
I am excited.
Party with Amanda.
That's all.
1 Star | .. | In the sky

Bonk raynay raynay. Bonk raynay raynay. [30 Jul 2003|06:51pm]

Me: Do you think I am always in a bad mood?
Mikey: not always but you do get upset alot right?
Me: Yes.. but that's because... well.. nevermind but yes.. I get upset lots..:-\
Mikey: well i mean, just take it easier maybe. thats all nick meant
Me: Yeah, I wish I could take it easy. No one can even imagine the shit that goes on in my life, and everyone just says calm down. Or take it easy.
Mikey: i understand but, everyone has a story ya know. most people dont breeze through life. everyone at one point or antoher has it really rough. sometimes you just gotta take the bullet and hang in there and just be cool and realize that the positive will always overcome the negative
Me: You promise?
Mikey: know what im sayin
Mikey: thats how it works
Me: Yes, but you promise my positives will overcome the negitives?
Mikey: well, even if they dont, thats how you have to look at life. always. if not what kinda of life would you have?
Mikey: just have to always look at the bright side of things
Mikey: positive outlook
Me: Hmm..
Me: Thanks, man
Mikey: anytime

Mikey Russell. Best guy, ever. I swear it. He never gives up on me. So it seems. He is always there. I don't know where I would be without him. Honestly. I hung out with him one night, and I miss him. I want to see him again.

My mom and I got into a huge fight today. About everything and anything. It started when she said something to Amanda that shouldn't have been said. Very disrespectful. She had no right to say it. I went off on her. Grr. Forget it, man. I can't even talk about it.

I am in love with the new 5o4plan cd. I want to go see my boys play again so bad. They're so amazing. I love looking at Mikey when he is singing and playing. It's just like.. whoa. So intense. So amazing. So beautiful. He gets so into it. It's like, when you look at him, you're stuck in a zone. I look at Nick, and he is going crazy on the drums. MMM! My boys give me such a rush.

I get to spend another night with Amanda. I am excited. I want to see Julie, too. I don't know why. But I want to see Julie. Call me crazy, man! I am just crazy, I guess. I guess I just love her because she fixed Amanda and I. Hugs and Kisses to Julie and Vicki.

Taj and I are doing bad. It makes me sad. It's like.. hmm. I don't know. I can't explain it. But it sucks.

Why can't I ever just be happy? I hate it. My plan boys make me happy. Amanda makes me happy. Taj makes me happy. I can't make any of them happy.

I suck at life.

Kill me, man

| .. | In the sky

Whoa. [28 Jul 2003|10:10pm]

Alright, I hung out with Mikey once. And I miss him already. Man, I am lame.

I stole the following thingy from Pete Wentz.

1. What do your friends call you?: Fe, Felicia, Felicia baby
2. What nickname would you give yourself if it weren't totally lame to pick your own nickname?: I don't know, man.
3. Did people used to call you something that they don't call you anymore?: Fe Fe
4. If you could change your name to anything, what would it be?: Destiny or Fantasia.
5. What are you wearing right now?: Jeans and the new 5o4plan shirt that no one else in this state has 'cept Megan.
6. What time did you wake up today?: 1:00. I went to bed at 11:30
7. What was your biggest reason for leaving the house today?: Dentist.
8. What are your plans for tomorrow?: Amanda.. I hope..
9. What is your all time favorite movie?: Requiem for A Dream.
10. What are the best songs for:
a. A sad day: Out of reach - The Get Up Kids
b. A happy day: Anything from 5o4plan.
c. A post-break up picture-ripping session: Letters to you - Finch
d. A make out session: Kissing Old Friends, or Talking in Circles - 5o4plan
e. A head-stomping: ....
f. A dance party: I don't know, man
11. Write some lyrics to the song that's in your head right now: "Look at this. I've gone a broke down. Another miss. And anyone can see my laughing now. Another failure. I've brought myself. I can't stick together. Counting out the ways that' youll always help me.. you're someone that I call friend."*Kissing Old Friends* -5o4plan
12.Name some guilty pleasures (now this is stuff that you know sucks but you like it anyway):
a. TV show: Fear Factor.
b. Band: Avril. Hanson.
c. Book or author: Anne Rice. (that reminds me of Mikey)
d. Song: ...
e. Food: cheese?
13. How do you feel about mustaches?: No way, man.
14. Where is the worst place you've ever been and why?: Police Station.
15. Where is the best place you've ever been ad why?: In my room with Meggy and Mikey Russell.
16. Complete the following: (I recommend leaving in the parentheses so future survey filler-outers know where to put their answers.)
a. I (love) you with all my heart.
b. I didn't mean (to kiss you) I'm just (so infatuated with you)
c. This (girl) could use more (love)
17. Who deserves a punch in the mouth?: Adam Anderson because Mikey doesn't like him.
18. Where do you like to hang out?: Depends who I am with.
19. What do you do on your day off?: Day off? I don't work
20. what do you wish right now?: I wish that Mikey came back so I can talk to him, man

| .. | In the sky

Hmm.. [28 Jul 2003|08:40am]
Wow, man.
Mikey Russell came to my house.
We partied.
That's all.

My family thinks I am on drugs.
5 Stars | .. | In the sky

Wow.. Someone shoot me.. [27 Jul 2003|06:14am]
Fe Hears: Fe Feels The sound of Amanda lightly breathing. Beauty breathes.

Wow. You know, I shouldn't be loved. Not at all. Not one bit. There is nothing to love.. Honestly. Amanda was over last night, and this morning, her and I were talking about how we are hungry. I said I didn't need to eat because I am too fat as it is. She was like, god, I know fatty. And I just moaned. And she said come on, fatty... Let's go get food. I just rolled over. I closed me eyes and saw myself inside my head. The site of myself made me cry. Amanda was joking but.. why do people love me? Why is it that people say nice things about me? I just started crying. I couldn't believe how fat I am. And how ugly. I layed there. Silently crying. I wanted to fucking die. How could someone so beautiful, and perfect like Amanda be so in love with me? How can she think I am amazing. Why does she think so highly of me? How can someone like Taj think I am so cute? At that moment, I forgot what everyone had said. I stopped beliving they meant it when they said nice things to me. I am completely disgusted with myself. I got up to go to the bathroom. Amanda asked the three times what I was doing. I just ignored her. I set out to the bathroom to cut. Yes, break my promises to all you selfish fuckers, and cut. I looked at myself. I thought, "Why does Amanda like everything about me and my body? How can she think I am so beautiful..?"
I didn't get it. I looked into the mirror. The site of myself... I wanted to puke. I looked down at my tummy. Ew. My legs. Ew. I looked at my face. My lips. I want them perfect. I looked at my nose. I want a cute nose. I leaned into the mirror. I tried to look at my eyes through my tears. I couldn't stand it any longer. I couldn't stand looking into that mirror and seeing the ugly person that I am.
I hit the mirror. I cut. Yes, I broke my promises because I suck at life. And I am weak. I wanted to cut every inch of myself that I hate. I couldn't do that do. I would be a walking, bleeding, wound. My whole body would be covered in cuts, and gashes. I would be covered in endless blood. I grabbed a huge saftey pin from my cabniet in the bathroom. Yes, a saftey pin. Pussy tool. Cuts nicely. I cut. I fell to the floor. I put my head back aganist the wall. I looked up at the ceiling praying to god to change me. Then, I said "You know, God.. Fuck you.. I hate you.. Can't you see my life is shit? I hate myself. I am in pain.. but what do you do about it? Nothing. You're suppose to save me.." I felt horrible saying I hated god. But I did at the time. I really did. I leaned my head back aganist the wall. I cried. I raised my head and looked forward. What do I see? Razors. I wanted to take the blade out of that shaving razor, and just slice myself up. I wanted to make gashes in my wrist. I wanted to die. I didn't do it. I couldn't. I couldn't cut like that. I cut three times. I stood up, wiped my tears. I made my fingers out to be a gun, and put it to my head. "Bang", I said. I looked down.. and whispered "I wish.."
I hate myself.
I came into my room. Changed my shirt. I couldn't stand to be in it. I wanted something where you couldn't see my skin. I walked over to my bed. I moved Amanda's bangs. I kissed her on the forehead and said goodnight. She asked me what I was doing. And I said nothing. I layed there, in my bed; crying. I am looking at her sleep while I type this. All I can think is perfect. She is perfect. She is the perfect girl. I am now thinking about Taj. How can he love me? Someone like Taj loving me.. It's like wow. I don't get it. I believe that he loves me. But then, does he really? How could he? I am nothing special. Nothing special at all. I looked to my wall. My plan wall. I broke my promise to my plan boys. I wonder what they would think if I told them I cut agian. Well, Jon and Tommy don't really know. But Nick and Mikey are stationed in my life. Mikey has always been there. What would he say if he knew? Why does he waste his time listening to me? Does he really care? Why does Nick listen to me. Does Nick really care? Maybe they care because they are scared of death. I'm not.
I just looked at my desk. I have scissors. I have a hammer. Should I slice myself up with the scissors? Or should I smash my head in with a hammer? Why am I still living? *cries*
I just want to be loved.. And know it's love. I want to be pretty. I want to stand out.
I am pathetic.
This may very well be my last post.
Anyone who reads this post.
Please comment.

Tell me I am going to be okay.
Tell me everything is going to be okay..

11 Stars | .. | In the sky

Whoa. [26 Jul 2003|12:34pm]
So busy.
So happy.
So sad.
So lonely.
So many feelings.
Over all; happy.
Been with Amanda lots.
She makes ma happy.
I woke up this morning and I didn't see the bracelet she made/gave me and I like.. got panicy.
But then I just saw it was moved up on my arm more. I love her.
Man, she is great.
Taj hates me.
Not really.
But I feel like it.
We aren't the same.
We both know why.
Not cool.
I upset myself.
I make myself want to cut me up.
I fuckin' hate myself, man.
Nick Scimeca said he would be the father of my baby.
So did Mikey.
But, they said ask again when I am 18.
So now, I am waiting for 18 to roll around.
Nick and Mikey are soo sexay.
I want them.
My baby is going to be hot.
I know it.
I am suppose to be at a concert tonight.
Why aren't I go?
Because 20 yr olds suck.
But it's okay.
I think I am going to be with Amanda tonight..
Uh huh..

Nicole - I miss you. I know you're prolly not reading this. But I love you. You're awesome. I miss how I talked to you about everything. You always helped me. It's like you were such a good friend even though I don't know you that well. And we only hung out twice. But I do miss... You should really call me sometime. Wow. I feel gay. I love you. <33

Should Nick or Mikey be the dad? Help.
2 Stars | .. | In the sky

Whoa. [23 Jul 2003|08:49pm]

Just what I have always wanted to be..
2 Stars | .. | In the sky

Blah. [23 Jul 2003|06:55pm]
Fe Hears: Fe Feels Silence

Conor Oberst from Bright Eyes

*Who is the perfect Emo Singer boyfriend for You?*
brought to you by Quizilla

Wow. That's awesome considering I love Conor and Bright eyes.
I would do anything to fuck him.

Everyone like my new icon?
It fuckin rocks, I know.
My new Plan Fan Friend named Sam made it for me.
She rocks, as you can see.


The icon made me miss my plan boys.
I miss Nick.
Way too much.

I suck at life.
Save me, please.

2 Stars | .. | In the sky

Wow. [22 Jul 2003|06:42pm]
Fe Hears: Fe Feels The Craberries.

I really am starting to suck ass that this whole online journal thing. Nothing has been going on. I spent the whole weekend with Amanda. Friday was good. Saturday sucked. Then it was okat. Sunday was an okay night, too, I guess. Amanda slept over here last night. It was good. Then great. Then okay. Then bad. Then fucking amazing. Then sleep time. We woke up today. blah. Her and I are going to the movies tonight. Then she is sleeping over. Maybe not. I don't know. Taj and I do need some alone time but I love being with Amanda. Taj and I will have some alone time, though, no doubt. Him and I had lots last night. While Amanda was PRETENDING to be asleep. Rawr. That upset me. But whatever. I still love the lady. Anyways, blah. Meggy and I weren't friends. We are now. I miss my plan boys. I need them. I need Nick. But most of all, I need Mikey. He is one of my best friends, man. I fuckin' miss him. Rawr. I fucking miss everyone, man. I even miss Amanda. I suck at life. Kill me quick.

1 Star | .. | In the sky

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