Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
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9:04 pm
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i use www.livejournal.com now my screen name on there is suicidalbichick come find me
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
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9:16 pm - 151 Things to do before you Self Injure
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1) Exercise, running ect.
2) Putting on fake tattoos
3) Drawing on yourself in red marker (make sure it's washable!)
4) Scribbling on sheets an sheets of paper
5) Writing (poetry, stories, journal, etc.)
6) Cuddling with a stuffed toy
7) Being with other people
8) Watching a favorite TV show (preferably a comedy)
9) Posting on web boards, and answering others' posts
10) Thinking about how I DON'T want scars for the summer
11) Painting your nails
12) Going to see a movie
13) Eating something ridiculously sweet (or any favorite food)
14) Doing school work
15) Surf the net
16) Go into chat rooms to talk
17) Call a friend and ask for company
18) Playing a musical instrument
19) Singing
20) Looking up at the sky (night is especially beautiful)
21) Making your own list of things to do instead of SI
22) Punching a punching bad (with gloves on)
23) Snapping a rubber band on your wrist (or hair band)
24) Cover yourself with band-aids where you want to cut
25) Mix warm water and red food colouring, and put in on your skin (feels and looks like blood)
26) Letting yourself cry (can be very difficult for some)
27) Sleep (only if you are tired)
28) A hot shower, or relaxing bath (no razors in the tub, though)
29) Play with a pet
30) Detangling yarn or necklaces
31) Re-organizing your room
32) Cleaning (hmmm...I very rarely use this one!)
33) Having a pillowfight with the wall (yes, neighbours may think you are crazy, but that's ok)
34) Knitting or sewing
35) Reading a good book
36) Dressing up very glamorous (make sure no one can walk in on you, though)
37) Colouring your hair
38) Listening to music (not angry music though-that can trigger)
39) Watching a candle burn (no playing with the flames!)
40) Finding someone else you can help out
41) Meditate
42) Watching a scary (but not bloody) movie.
43) Work on a website
44) Have a vivid fantasy love affair with a celebrity
45) Go somewhere very public
46) Bake cookies
47) Alphabetize your CD's
48) Chewing leather (especially if you SI by biting)
49) Buy a home Henna tatoo kit (peels off the next day-similar to skin picking)
50) Painting or drawing
51) Ripping paper into itty-bitty pieces
52) Hugs-(this one is very nice...)
53) Writting letters or email
54) Talk to yourself (or if that feels weird, buy a small tape recorder-I then feel like someone is listening)
55) Stroke nice fabrics
56) Hug a pillow
57) Hyperfocus on something like a rock, hand, etc.
58) fingerpaint
59) Scream real loud (I LOOOVE this one-just make sure no one is home)
60) Dance
61) Make hot chocolate (mmmmm....)
62) pop bubble wrap
63) play with modelling clay or Play-Dough
64) count to one hundred
65) Build a pillow fort
66) pop balloons
67) Hug yourself
68) Sex
69) Reading things in a different language
70) Going for a nice, long drive
71) Complete something you've been putting off
72) Drinking absurd amounts of tea
73) Breaking plastic plates
74) Tearing up socks
75) Throwing socks against the wall
76) Archery
77) Rock climbing
78) Take up a new hobby
79) Organise bills and such
80) Cook a meal
81) Go out for ice cream
82) Buy a stuffed animal (I collect Beanie Babies)
83) Look at pretty things-like flowers or artwork
84) Create Something
85) Pray
86) Trow socks against the wall
87) Make a list of blessings in your life
88) Read the Bible
89) Go to a friend's house
90) Take up fencing
91) Watch an old, happy movie
92) Call a Help hotline or your Therapist
93) Talk to someone close to you that knows
94) Throw a temper-tantrum
95) Hit things-other than yourself
96) Ride a bicycle
97) Polish silver or jewellery
98) Gardening or watering house plants
99) Memorizing German poetry (silly, but works!)
100) CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!
101) Feed the ducks or birds or squirrels, etc.
102) Draw on the walls
103) Play with facepaint
104) Do very Glamerous make-up
105) Colour with crayons
106) Memorise a novel or play or song
107) Put on boots and STAMP
108) Stretch
109) Find butterflies
110) Watch fish
111) Come up with baby names (even if you're not pregnant
112) Make mashed potatoes
113) Make a tape of your favorite songs
114) Name all of your stuffed animals
115) Go SHOPPING!!!!
116) Get into my PJ's and just veg.
117) Buy cheap teddy bears and take out anger onthem instead of self.
118) Throw everything (except glass) into the centre
119) Go to a loud concert
120) Play the 15 minute game (say you can't cut for 15 minutes, and when the time is up, start again)
121) Plan your wedding / prom
122) Hunt for stuff on Ebay (you can find ANYTHING there)
123) Alphabetize your books
124) Hunt for your perfect home in the paper
125) Take up Tai Chi
126) Try to make as many words out of your full name as possible, then do your friends names)
127) count ceiling tiles/lights
128) go clubbing
129) search ridiculous things on the web
130) colour-co-ordinate your wardrobe
131) do a home tan on yourself
132) sort all your photographs
133) colour (or scribble) over the pretty women in magazines
134) plan a dinner party
135) play with a slinky
136) but yourself some toys and play
137) start collecting comething
138) get a tattoo / peircing
139) play video/computer games
140) do a trash clean at your local park
141) Play on a swingset
142) go out and perforn a random act of kindness for someone
143) call up an old friend
144) write yourself an "I love you because" letter
145) put on fake nails
145) try to build something
146) re-arrange your house
147) go to a public place and people watch
148) go through all your old stuff
149) go bargain - hunting
150) smile at at least five people (you usually end up smiling genuinely yourself.)
151) go to the zoo and rename all the animals.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Monday, January 12th, 2004
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10:22 pm - YEAY!!!
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I'm possibly going to get a record deal.My friend has a record coming out in april and he's going to help me get my demos out and stuff.My dreams are finally coming true.i have the talent.Everyone thinks i deserve it for what i've been through.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, January 11th, 2004
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4:37 pm - oh my fucking god
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my neighbors just got robbed at gun point.then the fucker took off and hit my fence,now we gatta get it fixed.god damn this sux
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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4:37 pm - oh my fucking god
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my neighbors just got robbed at gun point.then the fucker took off and hit my fence,now we gatta get it fixed.god damn this sux
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, January 10th, 2004
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10:11 pm - Sad :(
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So i got a call from my boyfriend today.He was originally supposed to be in riverside for 10 weeks.But now it's 12 weeks.I'm really sad.12 weeks without getting kissed :(
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, January 8th, 2004
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10:05 pm - Only god
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I've been sittin' here
trying to find myself
i get behind myself
i need to rewind myself
looking for the payback
listen for the playback
they say that every man
bleeds just like me
and i feel like number one
but yet i'm last in line
i watch my younger son
and it helps to pass the time
i take to many pills
it helps to ease the pain
i made a couple dollar bills
but still i feel the same
everybody knows my name
they say it way out loud
a lot of folks fuck with me
it's hard to hang out in crowds
i guess that's the price you pay
to be some big shot like i am
out stretched hands and one night stands
still i can't find love
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around
People don't know about the things
i say and do they don't understand
about the relationship that i've
been through, it's been so long
since i've been home i've been gone,
i've been gone for way too long
maybe i forgot all the things I miss
Oh somehow I know there's more to life
than this, I said it too many times
and i still stand firm you get what
you put in and people get what they
deserve, still i ain't seen mine
No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin'
I've been walking down that line
So I think I'll keep walking
with my head held high
i'll keep moving on and only God
knows why
Only God... only God
Only God knows why
Only God... knows ... why, why, why only
God knows why
Take me to the river hey
Take me to the river
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, January 4th, 2004
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9:38 pm - FIRED!!!!!!
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So today i got fired for talking to my b/f while i was outside pushing carts.My grandmother took away my compatitions,my license,and my idependent study.she also said I can't see my b/f anymore cuz he's 20.I'm so going to die now.
~~~Suicidal Queen~~~
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, January 1st, 2004
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10:10 pm - so
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ok two days of work and i'm ready to die.my legs hurt so bad.like holy crap,oh well
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, December 30th, 2003
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12:49 pm - GOD DAMN IT!!!
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Saturday, December 27th, 2003
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2:53 pm - my life in a nutshell
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People always say i do what i do to get attention.But no one really knows what i'Ive been through.Growing up i never knew my father and i barely knew my mother.when i was two my mother gave me to my grandmother and i grew up with her.i moved away from my home town at the age of 7 leaving all my friends i ever loved behind. we moved from Hampshire to California with my brother,mother,grandmother,and my mothers boyfriend.about two years later my mom's boyfriend moved back to new Hampshire as well as my brother.he has 5 years old.i haven't seen or talked to him since.it's been over 5 years.when i was 9 my mother got engaged to another guy.after 6 months of living with him he started molesting me.finally i moved out and lived with my grandmother.when i was 10 i became close friends with the two daughters next door.their mother worked at the bank and their father worked at the radiator shop between our two houses.sometimes i would go over there and help him work, he began molesting when i was 10 and it continued until i was 12. finally i got the courage to tell my grandmother.i went through 3 months of court and questioning plus another 6 months of therapy.when i entered Jr.high i met this guy named Quinn. he and i were happy for a while.then after a few months of dating, he raped me in his fathers bed.i never told anyone about it.but it had a huge impact on me.that's when i became anorexic and suicidal.i lost a ton of weight and became very sick.i'm still sick it's been over 4 year now.when i was 13 i began dating a guy named Ryan Hooligan, right away i could tell something wasn't't right.he was abusive,he would grab me by the arms and just hurt me.i didn't know what to do,so one day i fought back and told him i would tell people if he touched me again,that was the end of that.when i entered high school i was still suicidal but not so much anorexic,but i was going into high school open about something else,i was open about being bi sexual.that was a mistake,people took it badly they all hated me.i became very secluded, i talked to no one. until i met a good friend of mine named Jason,or at least i though he was my friend. we had been "friends" for a couple of weeks,he asked if he could come over and hang out and stupid me said yes.Once again i was raped,he was 28 and i was 15.now i am 16 my life is not much better.i had no direction in life so i seek a way to relieve all my pain,i do in in the only way i know how.hurting myself in anyway possible,cutting myself,punching myself,burning myself,trying to drown myself, anything.I still don't know how to help myself,but i'm trying.
~~~suicidal queen~~~
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, December 24th, 2003
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3:28 pm - x-mas eve
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aside from my birthday, x-mas is my least favorite holiday.stupid food,stupid presents,stupid family gatherings,i just hate fucking holidays.they are so annoying.but well i have a date so enough of my sht i gatta get ready and go.oh by the way i am so over ryan.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Monday, December 22nd, 2003
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4:42 pm - FUCK!FUCK!FUCK!
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Looking Back
As i sit here on this bank.
Staring into the water.
I reflect on my life.
Looking back on everything.
People i've met.
Things I've done.
The hell i've gone through.
All my dreams and hopes.
Life is just to hard.
I can't go on anymore.
Time to end it all.
BANG!
Just like that.
All gone.
Over.
Forgotten.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Sunday, December 21st, 2003
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4:54 pm - thank you www.ruinyourlife.com
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Music is a powerful and expressive way of describing emotions and feelings, including those of hate, Self Injury, Self Destruction or serious depression, here is a growing list of lyrics to songs that contain self destructive lyrics, or are of a self harm / hate / depression theme...
AFI - Half Empty Bottle
AFI - The Last Kiss
AFI - No Poetic Device
AFI - The Prayer Position
ALANIS MORISSETTE - I Was Hoping
ALAKALINE TRIO - Another Innocent Girl
ALAKALINE TRIO - Trouble Breathing
APOPTYGMA BESERK - 25 Cromwell Street
APOPTYGMA BESERK - Arp
APOPTYGMA BESERK - Backdraft
APOPTYGMA BESERK - Bitch
APOPTYGMA BESERK - Borrowed Time
APOPTYGMA BESERK - Deep Red
APOPTYGMA BESERK - Half Asleep
APOPTYGMA BESERK - Moment of Tranquility
APOPTYGMA BESERK - Stitch
APOPTYGMA BESERK - Unicorn
AT THE DRIVE IN - One armed scissor
BEN FOLDS FIVE - Alice Childress
BEN HARPER - Please Bleed
BLINK182 - Adams Song
BLUR - Song 2
COLDPLAY - Yellow
CRADLE OF FILTH - Suicide And Other Comforts
DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL - The Places you have come to fear the Most
DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL - This Bitter Pill
DEFTONES - Knife Party At The Niko
DEPECHE MODE - Blasphemous Rumours
EELS - The Medication is wearing off
ELLIOT SMITH - NEEDLE IN THE HAY
EMINEM - Stan
EVANESCENCE - Bring me to Life
EVANESCENCE - Tournequet
FIONA APPLE - Pale September
GARBAGE - Medication
GARBAGE - Only Happy When It Rains
GARBAGE - So Like A Rose
GOO GOO DOLLS - Iris
JACK OFF JILL - Strawberry Gashes
KITTIE - Pain
KORN - Alone I Break
KORN - Falling Away From Me
LINKIN PARK - PART OF ME
MANIC STREET PREACHERS - 4st 7lbs
MANIC STREET PREACHERS - Faster
MANIC STREET PREACHERS - If you Tolerate This
MANIC STREET PREACHERS - La Tristesse Durera
MANIC STREET PREACHERS - Life becoming a Landslide
MANIC STREET PREACHERS - RazorBlade beat
MANIC STREET PREACHERS - Roses In Hospital
MANIC STREET PREACHERS - Yes
MOBY - When It's Cold I'd Like To Die
NATALIE IMBRUGLIA - Left of the Middle
NATALIE IMBRUGLIA - Pigeons and Crumbs
NATALIE IMBRUGLIA - Smoke
NATALIE IMBRUGLIA -Torn
NATALIE IMBRUGLIA - Wishing I was There
NINE INCH NAILS (NIN) - Hurt
NINE INCH NAILS (NIN) - RingFinger
NINE INCH NAILS (NIN) - The Wretched
NO ONE - Cut
OCEAN COLOUR SCENE - The Day We Caught The Train
OUR LADY PEACE (OLP) - Annie
OUR LADY PEACE (OLP) - Clumsy
OUR LADY PEACE (OLP) - Consequence of Laughing
OUR LADY PEACE (OLP) - Is Anybody Home?
PAPA ROACH - LAST RESORT
PAPA ROACH - BLOOD BROTHERS
PEARL JAM - Immortality
PEARL JAM - Jeremy
PET SHOP BOYS - We All Feel Better In The Dark
PINK - DON'T LET ME GET ME
PINK - MISERY
PLACEBO - Pure Morning
POISON THE WELL - Lost In Silence
POISON THE WELL - Obstacle
POISON THE WELL - Torn
RADIOHEAD - Creep
SAM HAYHURST - JD's Song
SILVERCHAIR - Ana's Song
SILVERCHAIR - My Favorite Thing
SILVERCHAIR - Point Of View
SLIPKNOT - Everything Ends
SMASHING PUMPKINS - Disarm
SMASHING PUMPKINS - Hello Kitty Kat
SOUNDGARDEN - Black Hole Sun
STAIND - Excess Baggage
STAIND - Fade
STAIND - For You
STAIND - Home
STAIND - Just Go
STAIND - Self Destruct
TEN FOOT POLE - Late at Night
THE CURE - Lullaby
THE DAMNED - Feel the Pain
THE USED - A Box Full of Sharp Objects
THE DAMNED - I Just Can't be Happy Today
THIRD EYE BLIND - Jumper
THIRD EYE BLIND - Slow Motion
TOOL - The Patient
TORI AMOS - Cucify
TORI AMOS - Little Earthquakes
UNKLE - Rabbit In Your Headlights
UNWRITTEN LAW - Before I Go
WALLFLOWERS - One HeadLight
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Saturday, December 20th, 2003
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2:47 pm - Can life get any more annoying
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So yeah last night my boyfriend broke up with me.Apparently i'm imature because I cut myself. Soo in other words I'm single and not enjoying it. But to bad for him I don't give second chances anymore. So I guess he's going to be single for a while too. But knowing me I'll probably start dating in few months, but for now I'm livin up the single live. Now i can make out with other people and not feel bad.So I guess it's not all bad.
~~~suicide queen~~~
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(13 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, December 17th, 2003
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9:00 pm - *Sniffsniff*
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why is it everytime things are going great they always seem to come crashing down.i just found out a close friend of mine died recently.he was 84 years old but he was like a grandfather to me.i loved him so.I'm going to miss him so much.I can remember what he said to me the first night he heared me sing at a talent show. He said "amber just because you didn't win means nothing.these idiots don't know real talent,you have such an amazing gift and it will get you where you want in life.dont ever lose that" i will always keep that in my heart.
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
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8:54 pm - song of the day
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EVANESCENCE LYRICS
"My Immortal"
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[CHORUS:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating mind
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus]
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
[Chorus]
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(comment on this)
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8:39 pm - my feeling for the day
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this song pretty much sums up how i feel today
Last Resort-Papa Roach
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort
Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die pleading
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mudilation out of sight
And I'm contimplating suicide
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late and I was empty within
Hungry, feeding on my chaos and living in sin
Downward spiral, where do I begin
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself and no love for another
Searching to find a love upon a higher level
finding nothing but questions and devils
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying
I can't go on living this way
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation no breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding
Would it be wrong, would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mudilation out of sight
And I'm contimplating suicide
'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight, losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I can't go on living this way
Can't go on living this way
Nothing's alright
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(comment on this)
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Monday, December 15th, 2003
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5:32 pm - shitty
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omg i'm sick again.this is the second time since thanksgiving.but this time i have to go to the doctors to find out what's wrong with me.this really sucks.they're gonna draw blood and give me a flu shot.i hate this.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Monday, December 8th, 2003
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10:59 pm - horr-fucking-ray
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how wonderful my ex g/f and ex b/f are going out i feel like shit now.i loved them both so much but now this pisses me off.what the fuck man.hell has frozen over.
~~suicidalbitch~~
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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