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L7-The Bomb |
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im so tired of being pregnant. Dont get me wrong- i want nothing more than to carry and deliver to full term, a happy, healthy normal baby...im just soo tired of getting uncontrollably sick. I'm so tired of constant worry about what every little twinge of pain or discomfort is. Im so tired of worrying if it'll be healthy. Will it be the beautiful, healthy, bright eyed baby that everyone wants to see at the end of such a long hard road? Will the remainder or my pregnancy and delivery be without complication? These are things that worry me every minute i have a second to think. And then of course will it be a boy or a girl? will it look like me? etc etc etc.
I stayed up all night being depressed worrying about Matt and what's really going on between him and I. I've straight up asked him on several occasions if he cheated on me. Not so i could scold him or hold a grudge, its just that so many people have said so many things..and usually rumors kind of vary. He told me nothing like that had ever happened..and i believed him. Of course with a small inkling of doubt, but I want SO much to believe what he tells me. In fact, i read a few entries that make me question if he really cares as much as he claims, or if hes just with me lately because hes lonely . Maybe hes just getting what he can take? eeesh. i want it to be soooo, sooo baaaaaaad. oi. that sounds pathetic, huh?
one thing's for sure. No matter what happens with Matt Bass and myself, im not going back to MG. I dont care if he was to snap and hold me at gunpoint. I've realized its asinine to try to convince yourself you can get used to peoples little "quirks". ...or if you want to be really blunt, "annoyances". In the chance someone DOES find my journal, let me clear this up. MG is a great great guy. He has a lot to offer. Just not to me. I cannot stand how hes a 19 year old, 6'4" tall, 220 pound baby. I cannot stand that he throws a fit if he's asked to eat something that hasnt been deep fat fried, coated in sugar, or something his mother whipped up for him, special. Hes got manners, but not the right ones. He lets people walk all over him, but is rude in his little "i dont have to do that, because youre not my mom" coy kinda attitude. I cant stand the way he treats his friends..he bombards them with his CURRENT situation..but dosent have the time of day to listen to theirs. This probably sounds silly to an outsider reading this...but you can fuck off. I dont want someone like that teaching my child morals. He'd be a GREAT father as far as the loving, and smooching, and snuggling goes...but the kid is going to have enough of that in its life..he needs someone to look up to. And i really dont think MG is that person.
hes got talent. He'll go further in life without being tied to a kid. He'll see im right eventually.
Im tired of my life being so up in the air. I'm nearly 18, and have no formal end to my high school career. I've got nooo idea what i want to do. Do i want to join some branch of the service, and collect benefits, and live a secure life? or do i want to take my chances and do something im interested in. But then again, im interested in so many things, how do i choose the right thing?
The next few years are gonna be sooo difficult. I wish i had the ends and enough confidence to just go out on my own, and raise my baby, and forget about all the naysayers in this little yuppie town.
Not having a job gives me too much time to think and worry. It's driving me insaaaaneee.
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sick
thankful
loved
curious
silly
bored