~bloody cherry~'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
~bloody cherry~

[ website | My Velvet Cravings ]
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I shot Rudolph [25 Dec 2003|08:46am]
Merry Easter everybody, this journal is officially dead.
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FuCk [18 Dec 2003|10:13pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

I don't normally put whole conversations into my journal, but this one is special. She knows me so well. I'm in such a good mood right now.

NO.: hi sugarfunny
Ginger Snapped: why hello
NO.: how are ou
Ginger Snapped: annoyed. how are you?
NO.: i'm ok
NO.: how are yo
NO.: u
Ginger Snapped: i told you. hmm.
NO.: i see
NO.: did you get your card
NO.: from laura
Ginger Snapped: Yeah I did. Today.
NO.: do you like it
NO.: she spent ages writing it in her best handwriting
NO.: and she gave you a FIRST CLASS stamp
Ginger Snapped: It's gorgeous. Very lovely.
NO.: and she's only got one left
NO.: how's your sex life?
Ginger Snapped: it doesn't exist.
NO.: not even with yourself?
Ginger Snapped: nope. Don't feel like it.
NO.: why
Ginger Snapped: Just don't.
NO.: what kind of freak are you?
Ginger Snapped: An attention seeking one apparently.
NO.: damn right
NO.: you big whore of a fat
NO.: awwwww no
NO.: *hug*
Ginger Snapped: hmmm.
NO.: *hug*
NO.: what the hell is up with your profile?
Ginger Snapped: hmmm?
NO.: it's sick
Ginger Snapped: oooooh, really?
NO.: yes
Ginger Snapped: really??
NO.: it's really bad
NO.: it's a joke right?
Ginger Snapped: Nooooo. Tis not.
NO.: it is
Ginger Snapped: Tisn't.
NO.: i ha tw
NO.: hate
NO.: it
Ginger Snapped: Thank you much.
NO.: what kind of shit are you
Ginger Snapped: La la la :P
NO.: no really
NO.: do you have ANY idea how much of a LOSER you are?
Ginger Snapped: Yes. Very much so I do.
NO.: do you like being a loser and have people thinking?
"oh my god, why can't she just die"
Ginger Snapped: I think it's quite funny.
NO.: you will die young
Ginger Snapped: Good.
NO.: does anyone actually like you?
Ginger Snapped: Don't really know, don't really care.
Ginger Snapped: Why are you suddenly so interested?
NO.: because frankly I feel physically sick
NO.: it absolutely REPULSES me to know someone as low as
you exist
NO.: and no, DON'T block me
NO.: SOMEONE needs to tell you everything that's wrong with
NO.: you're just vile
NO.: no one will ever love you
NO.: how could anyone?
NO.: you're so dreadful!
Ginger Snapped: Oh shush. It's quite tiring to hear you
repeat what I know already.
NO.: and it doesn't bother you right?
Ginger Snapped: It bothers me, when I think it it, but not
when you say it.
NO.: do you cut yourself?
Ginger Snapped: No.
NO.: well you should
NO.: *laughs*
NO.: do you just "want to be loved" ?
NO.: that's laura's diagnosis
Ginger Snapped: You do know all this is very boring right?
NO.: oh shut up
NO.: stop trying to build some pathetic emotional wall
that's blatantly failing, and i can see it is
Ginger Snapped: Hmmmm...but why does it bother you anyway?
Have you nothing better to do with your time?
NO.: no, I don't
NO.: I focus my time on telling people how shit they are
NO.: and it's a good thing i do too
Ginger Snapped: Has anyone ever told you how shit you are?
NO.: it just bothers me that I have to share this world
with people as disgusting and worthless as you
NO.: you're so naive
NO.: you might just "want to be loved"
NO.: but no one can love you
NO.: you're unloveable
NO.: "oh i'm so depressed...but i'm not going to do
anything about it...because i love attention...and i'm
useless...and no one will ever give me attention
NO.: that's you isn't it
Ginger Snapped: You're an idiot.
NO.: that's what you're life revolves around
NO.: your*
NO.: that's your whole existance
NO.: you're depressed yet you won't do anything about it,
because you love the attention
NO.: it's pathetic
NO.: some people actually HAVE problems you know
NO.: REAL ones
NO.: you're just so awful
NO.: you just need to be shot
Ginger Snapped: And you decide this do you? You actually
decide who is 'depressed' and who isn't? I never said I
was. I'm not. I'm 'just a teenager'. I get pissed off
NO.: I do actually
NO.: I have my own opinion
NO.: I've been reading the stuff you say for over a year
you know
NO.: those big long depressive posts on the links boards,
all by yourself
NO.: too full of pride to seek help
NO.: just wanting people to look and feel sorry for you
NO.: well few people did
NO.: only a couple of idiots who couldn't see what was
going on
Ginger Snapped: I don't care if people feel sorry for me.
They shouldn't, because the things I complain about are my
fault. But not everyone is like you.
NO.: and the ones that aren't are naive and shit
NO.: toodle pip sweetness xxx

Cute. Yes?

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Trembling And Tearful I kiss You Goodbye [17 Dec 2003|08:53pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | Modern Romance - Yeah Yeah Yeahs ]

I got an email from him.
I miss him.
I feel horrid.

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There's nothing more depressing than 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas' [16 Dec 2003|12:32pm]
[ mood | blank ]

I got a gorgeous PINK coat. I feel like dressing up and taking a picture. Tis cutey. Well, I was miserable (And I mean pretty low considering my moods have been a bit more...stable, lately) and I told my bestest friend that if she spoke to him, she could tell him I liked him. It's not like I will, and it's not exactly a big deal. Really. Sooooo...I made a new website. It's not that different. Cept it's PURLEP. That's my word of the week. Purlep. And it has (mostly) pretty pictures. Some are a bit... O_o Quick question. When you're crying, and in pain, and blah blah blah, is it fucked up to want to be with the one person who's hurt you more than anyone else? Hmmm. I couldn't help it. I wanted him to be there so much.
Well, I've been ill. Yesterday anyway. Thursday and Friday, I was 'ill'. Miserable. Yesterday I ws actually ill. I'm still not feeling much better. Hmm. I should stay at home.



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If there was one thing I could do...I would stop myself being like everyone else. [12 Dec 2003|11:07pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Little Bunny Foo Foo - Moldy Peaches ]

I'm going to end up average aren't I?
People don't strive to be average, that's obvious. So how come so many people end up that way? What goes wrong?
Living in a house you don't like.
With someone second best.
In a job you never wanted.
To pay for the house you don't like.
Why go through that? Dreams are meant to drive us. Not torment us.
I have the perfect life in my head. Everything is mapped out. It's beautiful. But I'm never going to get there. The more I reach for it the further away it gets. And the only way to stop myself being disappointed is to destroy it. Be average. It's going to happen anyway. It's happening already even. Why fight it? Why not just accept that...you're going to live in a place you wouldn't pick if you had a choice. You're going to be with someone you wouldn't pick if you had the choice. You're going to work as something you never thought was a possibility. You're going to be average. Have an average family, average friends, average LIFE.
What's the point?
What's the point in being average if there's always the dream of being spectacular?


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~Nothing Or Everything~ [11 Dec 2003|08:16pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

"Did you go to school today?"
I wish I could have told the truth. I felt far too miserable to go. But it sounds pathetic. So what if I didn't sleep? So what if I cried all night? So what if I felt sicker than I ever have? I should have been in school. Getting my education like a good girl. But it was the truth. I am miserable. I was terrified. Knew I was going to fail and needed to avoid it. I don't want to waste anyones time anymore. What's the point? I feel sick. It's like I've taken hundreds upon hundreds of steps backwards. Months ago, when I was the slightest bit upset, I'd cry. Anywhere. Everywhere. At any time. it'd just happen. And it's starting again. I'm not ready to go back through that. It was horrid. It was pathetic and childish and stupid and I wish it would stop. I wish I could just close myself off. Never feel any emotion. Be dead inside. Numb. I can't handle any of this. And if that makes me weak and pointless and attention seeking, FINE. Because at least it's the truth. I'm fucking sick of lying about everything to everyone. Fuck them. I have feelings and secrets and problems too. I need someone to listen. I need a fucking hug. Even that's too much to ask. Everything keeps going wrong. Why? Have I done something really bad? Am I a terrible person? Why the fuck does it feel like I don't matter anymore? Well thankyou everybody who's tried. But I'm not worth it. I never have been. I've wasted all your time. Sorry.

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Run Awaaaaay! Run Awaaaaaaay! [10 Dec 2003|06:42pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]
[ music | Like A Virgin - Madonna ]

Well...yes. I feel very awkward. Lies. Liiiiies.
It's freezing, I feel sick amongst other things and I have a french speaking test tomorrow. I'm not going in if I can help it. I think I'll cry or something shit like that. Yuck.
So, apparently I should tell 'him'. Yes, well...NO. You see, there are two things that scream NO at me.
1) It's me. Come on. What are the chances?
2) He has a girlfriend. What's the point?
See. There is NO way. Ever. I can deal with being miserable for months. It's happened. I really don't see the benefit of him knowing how I feel. Sooooo...isn't it so not fun to lie? Don't you think?
My head hurts. Everyone is saying 'don't tell this...don't say that....blah blah blah!' ARGH! It's so confusing! I'm bloody terrified I'll say the wrong thing to the wrong person. So I've taken it upon myself to be even quieter. Still, I wish I could scream and shout everything to anyone and everyone right now. Y'know, to see what they'd all do. I should change my business card to, 'Doesn't handle the keeping of secrets well. Tends to get overly irritated and confused. However, will keep them even if it kills her.' I feel so sick. What's the point in being alive if you feel so fucking awful all the time?
I also thought (In a paranoid moment) how many people that I've met, in real life, friends and stuff, read this journal? If some do, it has to be partially obvious to them what I'm talking about. Who is 'he'? Guess. Think. Be amazed. Because my head hurts. And I hate you. No not you.


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Whoooooo lives in a pineapple under the sea? Arrr, I be a pirate. [09 Dec 2003|09:31pm]
[ mood | groggy ]
[ music | Poison - Alice Cooper ]

I'm feel yuck today. I'm aching. So tired. I need a hug. I have some weird feelings in the pit of my stomach, butterfly feelings. I get so close to crying, and my mood goes way up. I start giggling and feeling all warm and happy. Then, just as I'm really happy, I get miserable again. It's all rather stupid. I don't understand. Is this me normally? I hope not. I don't like thinking I'm this irritating. Slightly less. And, please, why is it that when I like someone it's guaranteed they won't like me back? Hmmm?

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Plump and Misery [08 Dec 2003|06:45pm]
[ mood | irritated ]
[ music | Mrs Robinson - Lemonheads ]

I feel crap today.
And guess what? The keeping everything secret didn't work. I used to be good at it. Well, it wasn't even a day and she said it. Of course I didn't deny it, or say anything for that matter, but I'm afraid I made it painfully obvious. Argh. Why? It's so unfair. I'm so STUPID.
Yes. Yes I am.
Nevermind. So I'm useless. It's not my fault.
I have noooo idea what is going on. Is it Hate me day? Please!!!! That would be fun. A whole day for ME.
Me me me me me!!!


Oh fuck you.


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Bringer of eternal life, I beg you...get the fuck away from me [07 Dec 2003|07:37pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Jeff Buckley ]

Lie in bed until 1, watching crap TV and trying to destract myself from that 'problem' upsetting me.
Get up.
Put on same clothes from day before. (Jeans, and crap jumper that is no longer the right shape.)
Try and fail miserably to make hair less messy.
Wash face, brush teeth, apply lipgloss.
Shuffle downstairs.
Go into kitchen, get glass of coke and popcorn.
Go to computer, check emails.
Have no new emails.
Sit around a while.
Watch film. (Blues Brothers - it's very good)
Eat. A bit.
Go up to room and listen to music.
Come back downstairs and check emails.
Have no new emails.
Stay on anyway.
Start writing this journal entry.

My day (I say day, afternoon is more accurate) up until now.
How terribly depressing. Want to know my problem?
Ok. La la la. I like someone. Etc etc. And that's all you're getting. Because it's stupid and even my journal entries aren't going to be that pathetic. I'm so...yuck. I feel fat and miserable and empty. Everything is just so depressing. Is there anything good left? Or am I too late?

'It's just not fair. Life doesn't work with fairness. It fucks it. And you too.'

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Bloody Sunday? Kiss me ... I'm left handed [06 Dec 2003|08:49pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]
[ music | Bring It On - Alistair Griffin ]

Second entry today.
I'm feeling more and more miserable by the second.
I refuse to believe what's upsetting me is upsetting me. After all...well, it just...can't be.
I hate feeling like this. It's so pathetic. Oh well.

Here. Hugs for everyone.

Even the ones who hate me.



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One...Two...Three...ARGH! *screams* [06 Dec 2003|06:34pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

This is SO frustrating.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Why? ARGH!
I KNOW you have no idea what I'm talking about, and I KNOW you probably don't care. So UGH!
I am soooooo destined to be alone.

Yes. I realise I am being over-dramatic. If you point it out, you can fuck off.

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How does it feel to be happy? [05 Dec 2003|05:01pm]
[ mood | blank ]

She thinks he fancies me. Odd, cos he doesn't.
I feel really crap right now.
Oh. I got an email from a publishing company. Yeah.
Going out tomorrow.


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Does she crave him? Delusions are heavily influencing her patterns of behaviour. I think not. [04 Dec 2003|09:30pm]
[ mood | guilty ]
[ music | Mad World - Gary Jules ]

~note to myself~

You don't like him! It's just a silly little crush because you're so pathetic. It'll go away in a matter of days. She likes him. Not you. You feel NOTHING for him. Now shush.

~note to whoever~

Today was quite crap. Yes. I didn't cry though. I kept shut up and didn't depress anyone. I hope. The mocks have been a big failure. Like me. But it shall not be cared about.

~random (happier) note~

I'm going to watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off again. And drink cola. And look at yummy pictures. And talk to people who don't make me sad. Whoo!

~random update~

I'm going to update stuff on my website sometime too. See how bored I am.

Well, snuggles.


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One For No One [02 Dec 2003|10:18pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

~Her Explicit Suicide~
Milk skin, crimson lips
Sprinkle her with gloom.
Blue eyes, pristine tears
She said,
‘I have no use for you,
You may go.’

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I feel like velvet, lick me. [02 Dec 2003|08:37pm]
[ mood | sore ]

A quiz, am very bored and in pain. Yah.

Which Gackt are you most like?

quiz by mcvarmazi

You are Gackt's unforgettably blunt and kinky second single as a solo artist, with some very questionable Engrish thrown in.
Just the name "Vanilla" suggests its rather delicious qualities. He's bleached, caged, moaning, dancing, and humping his band members.... he's talking about having sex in a manner that shocks even the most sex-desensitized person.
This song may sound like a bad thing, but its really fun and energetic, as well as very kinky and naughty. But most people get a real kick out of this song, as well as his live performance of said song.

Well, I feel like I'm dying. My whole body hurts. Had English and French mocks today. Crap. That teacher is so scrumptious and tall. Yummy.

Anyhoo, snuggles

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Cherry Miss-Miss to all of you! [01 Dec 2003|07:55pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | Vanilla - Gackt (What is he saying??) ]

Soooo, yah. Quizzzes.

You're either a chick band or you at least have a
female singer...way to include the feminine
population. You'd have a huge chick following
with a lot of guys who like you but deny it.

What would your emo band be like?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla


What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmmm....well some of those are just WRONG.
Started the mocks today. Kind of scary. BUT, sitting in the hall was not that boring. Mmmm, yummy teacher. And I memorised the phone number on my pencil. 0800 0853779. Yesh. I feel ok today. Right now. Fed up, but that's normal. I'm really bored. Still wanting a hug, and I think I'm really addicted to coca cola. Waking up in the middle of the night craving it can't be healthy.

Oh well.

Snuggles xXx

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Tears are for the Weak [30 Nov 2003|01:35pm]
[ mood | rejected ]

He hates me. I want out.

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Love is such a difficult thing to master, too much and you're in for heartbreak [29 Nov 2003|07:53pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]
[ music | She Came Home for Christmas - Mew ]

Today was bad. Worse than bad. Miserable. Either that or it was average and I was just over emotional. I didn't get to go into town, I managed to argue with almost everybody, and, well, I really really really should buy some waterproof mascara. On the plus side, that ugly mobile phone that I have to carry around when I dare to go out is working again. I worked out something. I complain quite a bit that no one listens to me, which sounds pretty reasonable when you read the shit I write in here. But, NO! They DO listen. Unfortunately, the things I say are so unimportant, they don't remember. Well, anyway. Ever get the feeling that people could just leave you alone but they are choosing to upset you? I do. It's quite aggravating. I don't like her, she obviously doesn't like me, yet, she seems to not be able to leave me alone. She's a bitch. But it upsets me more than it should. I should hopefully be going into town tomorrow. With my mam. I have money, but I remembered how I said I'd go to the cinema next weekend and...well..pah. I found a letter about the whole divorce thing from my mother the other day. I didn't even know there was a divorce happening at all. I mean, I knew it would happen (they bicker like children. Cunts.) but they never said all this stuff had already started. It's funny, lying and hate broke them up, and you'd think they wouldn't want to lie to other people. Especially their own daughter. But they continue to. I really don't want to do my mocks. Can't I just leave? I don't WANT to go to college! I WANT to be a failure of a writer. I don't see why that's so hard to understand. I emailed...him. Yes. Big mistake. I know. It's not like he'll see it. I have a feeling he's left. Or died. Or something. I felt slightly empty sending it. I know we would never (And I mean NEVER) work, but I don't want him to forget me. He shouldn't be allowed to. I should be like a scar on his mind. There forever. I had a really weird dream. Wasn't very long, since I hardly slept, but it was very vivid. I was lying on my bed I think, chewing on popcorn and throwing it to the right side of me, off the bed. Giggling and stuff. I was crying with laughter, and I just about managed to say 'You're a dork' before laughing again. Then someone popped up from underneath my bed, and...smiled. Then I woke up. Twas the funnest dream, and the only one, I'd had in a while. I felt all warm, and soooo happy. It was a nice feeling. It didn't last though. Obviously. I feel very ugly today. Messy and just about...over. Don't ask me what I mean. I have no idea. Things seem to be getting the best of me lately. It's all just a bit too much. I just want a hug.

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Je ne suis pas nu, Cinderella [28 Nov 2003|09:56pm]
[ mood | curious ]
[ music | Burn Burn - Lost prophets ]

Feeling slightly better than yesterday. Helped that I got some work done. I'm going into town tomorrow, with my mam. So I won't be bored. Yay!
I added more loves/hates stuff to my website. Yah. That is how bored I got. And now I'm rambling in here.
If you can find the three things that piss me off about this picture, I'll give you a big kiss.
Can you see?
I really want some chocolate. And a snuggle. Preferably close together. Oooh, and toasted mashmallows. And a funny film. And...another snuggle.
See Santa, that's alllll I want for Christmas. I nice BIG snuggle. And a boohbah.

French kisses xXx

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