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[scribbled @ 11:55pm on 7.2.05 ]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | none ]

i love him
and the sad thing is
he may be cheating on me right now...

a penny for your thoughts

[scribbled @ 12:02pm on 7.2.05 ]
[ mood | good ]
[ music | black eyed peas- where is the love ]

everyone needs to go see "the perfect man" with hilary duff! i liked it a lot, it's such a cute movie- with an awesome message. plus hilary dresses really cute and i got a whole bunch of ideas from her. lol.

i think i'm gonna go down to miami for this weekend. if i freakin drove i'd go up to orlando and spend fourth of july in orlando with annmari, that'd be soo much fun. but it's not gonna work (obviously). so i'm still not really sure what i'm gonna do for the fourth. i wanna get fucked up and drown all my disaster in a bottle of grey goose.

god i'm so emo.

2 charged it a penny for your thoughts

[scribbled @ 3:05pm on 7.1.05 ]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | hawthorne heights- ohio is for lovers ]

such the bullshit lately...

- i left my chanel sunglasses with jon jon as well as my coach purse with my coach wallet inside of it. and he had it in chris' van and the van got towed and now melissa has no more chanel sunglasses and my mom won't buy me another pair. she was like "melissa, you have two other pairs of $300 sunglasses i'm not getting you another pair just so you can lose it." this fucking sucks. my life is so depressing without my sunglasses.

- i went to the movies last night and ryan (a friend of jon jon and mine) said he'd come with me and erica. so i told jon jon and he flipped out and then his mom starts saying in the background "oh, she's probably cheating on you.." what the fuck?! i wanted to start screming right then and there because that comment was so uncalled for! but i bit my tongue. and i didn't call ryan to meet us at the movies just to avoid another argument.

- i think i really am gonna move. i hate my life and i think that what i need is a change. my relationship sucks. i mean, don't get me wrong, i love jon jon with all my heart.. but i'm sick of crying and being the only one who puts any effort into it. i'm sick of my parents telling me what to do, like if they know what's best for me or something. i'm just sick of myself. i'm sick of life.

4 charged it a penny for your thoughts

[scribbled @ 11:01pm on 6.21.05 ]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | jack johnson- better together ]

my last entry seems like i'm trying to justify the way he is towards me. but honestly, there is no justification. i am his girlfriend and he should be treating me like gold .PLATiNUM!! so what, he walked to the gas station to call me. he was probably crossing his fingers in hopes that i wouldn't pick up.. [and i didn't]. but he could find a way to come see me.. or call me. shit he finds a way to hang out with his friends so that he can smoke his pot. fucking pothead. i hate that drug. i HATE it. I HATE IT!!! it's more important to him that anything else.

a penny for your thoughts

[scribbled @ 1:52pm on 6.21.05 ]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | the postal service- such great heights ]

so i haven't talked to jon jon in a good four or five days. i mean, he'll call me but our conversations last about five minutes tops because of our schedules. his phone is all messed up (i hate metro) so it's not like he chooses not to talk to me. and he did walk to the gas station to call me from the pay phone the other night. but sometimes i don't really know what to think. i haven't seen him in over a week- i've stopped counting the days because it just pisses me off. it seems like he is so carefree about everything.. he doesn't mind when we don't see eachother or talk to eachother. and i'm sick of always having to be the one that goes to visit him. it's fucking bullshit. i remember when i used to compare jon jon to all of my past boyfriends.. and now i compare all of them to him. i'm not used to being treated like this. i like all the attention. i like all the sweet things. i like the effort.

is it bad that i compare them to him...
and what does it all mean???

a penny for your thoughts

[scribbled @ 4:53pm on 6.14.05 ]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | ti?- asap ]

things between me and jon jon have been going really well, other than the fact that i hate that he smokes so often and that smoking is his number one priority. i'm so used to being number one in all the relationships that i'm in, and it may be selfish, but i don't care i like a lot of attention especially from him and he won't give it to me damnit!!! plus that shit is just not worth the trouble it causes, that's for sure. just last night he got charged with posession and had to stay in jail and the judge told him he'll most likely end up having to serve a year or so. what the fuck?! i hate that he always gets caught- it isn't fair. we'll see when his court date is. and the thing that scares me, other than him getting locked up, is what if he STILL doesn't learn his fucking lesson? mother fuck.

anyways.. this weekend was funn friday night i went to pablos graduation party and got shit face with chapi, and some kids i don't remember. we had bottles of parrot bay to ourselves. it was great. then on saturday it was my aunt rosie's party down in miami and jon jon came with me. it was funn. we fought, over pot, and then made up. and on sunday i had to work and jon jon came to pick me up once i was done.. he was high (what a surprise *rolls eyes*) then he stayed at my house for dinner and then left...

school is going well. hopefully i get As in the classes. i dropped intro to business because i just wasn't watching those videos and i didn't want to feel pressured to see them all at the last minute. so i'll take another class in summer B and ruin my summer. whatever, i don't look forward to much these days but that week spent in the west coast is the only thing i need... and it doesn't look like i'll be able to go anymore =(

1 charged it a penny for your thoughts

[scribbled @ 8:08pm on 6.4.05 ]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | marcy playgound- sex and candy ]

i think to myself...
does he really want to be with me?
maybe he feels like he can't be with me..

i know that i'm complicated.
i know that i set too high expectations.
i know that i can be frustrating.
i know that i can be a bitch.
i know that he doesn't get me.
i know that he doesn't care.

i don't know who to listen to.
i don't know if what he tells me is true.
i don't know if it's worth it in the end.
i don't know if i'll ever be happy.
i don't know what to do anymore.
i don't know what i want anymore.

i know that in a relationship you have to make sacrifices. but why is it that i'm the only one doing so. it's so frustrating. it makes me feel like shit. and it makes me feel even worse when i let it get to my emotions and he doesn't care. i'm gonna try to be the type of girl that he wants. i'm going to be the girlfriend equivalent of what he is as a boyfriend. maybe if he feels what i feel for a minute he'll understand why i do what i do. and say what i say. i hate that i always have to be the one going to see him. and that he can never come see me. i hate that he doesn't do sweet things like all my friends boyfriends do. and then that makes me doubt our relationship. and whats a relationship when your in constant doubt? and it's not that i question my feelings- because i love him- and that will never change. but i question his feelings, actions, and words. this sucks. love really does suck. even when you're in it. =\

a penny for your thoughts

[scribbled @ 12:25am on 6.1.05 ]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | none ]

sometimes i do it in hopes that i don't bleed.
i need to know that this isn't real.


a penny for your thoughts

[scribbled @ 7:25pm on 5.28.05 ]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | none ]

bored.. and not in the mood to do homework.

have fun )

a penny for your thoughts

[scribbled @ 9:13pm on 5.24.05 ]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | none ]

all of a sudden he decides to stop being a asshole to me. he said that he isn't scared anymore. so i'm guessing he was being the way that he was towards me because he had it set in his mind that i was going to break up with him again. and he was just putting his guard up to protect himself. but he realized that it's meant to be between me and him so he promised that things are going to change. we'll see. he's in virginia right now and then he's gonna be spending a few more days in georgia. i miss him so much. soo much. i just can't wait for him to come back and i'm anticipating that promise. i really want things to change and for everything to go back to how it used to be.

anyways i gotta get going.. watch britney and kevin: chaotic. <33

1 charged it a penny for your thoughts

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