Xtina's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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At the end of the day. [08 Mar 2003|04:00am]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | P. Diddy .x. I need a girl (Part II) ]

It's been crazy. I can't really explain life any better than that, it's the only thing that makes sense. It's been crazy.

I hurt sometimes. I know everyone does, but when it's personal -- thinking about the pain of the world only multiplies your own. I tried to be an image, a living doll with implanted ideas and answers and it almost swallowed me whole. I lost myself for a long time, looking in the mirror became a face to face self encounter with a stranger and my thoughts sounded far away, or blocked off; under water.

It scared me. I had just come to a point in my life where I'd become comfortable in my skin and already someone wanted me to be someone else, someone "better." And, man, if there's anything that could fuck with my mind -- nevermind the adolescence or boys or education or star potential -- "you're beautiful," "you're perfect," -- now change.

I drink, I stay out all night, I wear sexy clothes, I have and enjoy sex, "fuck" is one of the most popular words in my vocabulary, I smoke -- sometimes. I'm all for anyone who wants to be a positive image, moralistic, sexy, young and beautiful, virginal and Mrs. Clean clean -- if that's who they are. But, I'm not that kind of package. I'm Christina and believe it or not -- what you see is what you get.

I'm excited to be able to be able to put an album out there that feels so genuine, so me, so real. I'm excited to see other people doing it, watching Justin break out is a great example. Not to say that those guys weren't all amazing together, they were all down, but I think that personally you know when it's time to grow up a little more. Try new things, be more honest and open. And for someone in this business to be more honest and open publicly -- they have to first be more honest and open with themselves and that's exactly what I feel I've done.

If you've heard it then I'm grateful. If you've liked it then I'm thankful. If you disagree with who I am or what I do then all I can ask you to do is fuck off because the heat of opinion and the heart of controversy don't bother me anymore. I've always been more of a fighter and no one's going to get me down now.

get stripped

Love it when it hurts so good. [06 Mar 2003|04:12am]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | Clipse .x. When's the last time ]

There's definitely something about self-inflicted pain, it's intoxicating. I have a hard time walking downtown, passing tattoo parlor after tattoo parlor with the flashy piercing signs setting off the fireworks in my brain and all of the alarms and warning alerts for my body.

What else, where else...what now? There's always some place, there's always another type of pain to tolerate.

Lately, I've loved to fuck with my own head and play with the softer spots. Anything to make it sting that much more, make it feel all the more real. Sounds almost sick doesn't it? It's not or maybe it is but it's art. It's art and I like nothing more than putting my trust into an artist, making my body their canvas and giving my money as their reward. I love the quick and sharp sting from a gun or needle. I'm addicted to it, wildly even and I don't know if it's a habit I'll ever be able to kick.

And I'm not really sure I want to either.

We played with surface piercings today, walked out with three. Each was more intense and made my eyes close tighter. It was hot.

get stripped

The cat can kill curiosity sometimes too. [04 Mar 2003|08:20pm]
I had to see what all this was about. I'm not completley dressed yet though, so check back with me later.

get stripped

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