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aragorn of arathorn

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Basic Instincts [07 Dec 2004|07:14pm]
[ mood | infuriated ]
[ music | Amazing Grace ]

Where does a parent go when he fails to protect his child despite all instincts and signs? Where can one go to release the agony of helplessness when you cannot do anything to erase the hurt? I am such an irresponsible fool!

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Doctor heal thyself! [04 Jun 2004|10:52am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]
[ music | Bless the Beasts and the Children by Joan Baez ]

Man, life just seems to get crazier all the time. Why can't kids be satisfied with safe, legal activities? Is it because of the cost (well, booze and drugs cost something-if not only money but freedom, trust, friends, family, your health and sanity!), or is everything in this category just as boring as hell! Get lost in music, nature, art, play backyard games, take a walk, meet with good friends and search for the meaning of life, pray, try to cheer someone up, play with your pets-even if it's a snake. Do something where trouble is far away! Don't hang out where other groups of kids may be looking for trouble or territory! Go to a different friends house everyday, there are some parents who do appreciate your dilemma. This summer spend the day at the ocean, walk the boardwalk at night, go canoeing(that may cost some-so split it!), go camping, get a job.

I wish I could keep you all safe and happy but that's probably impossible. All I can say is that I've been there and done that! Lack of parental support (real or imagined) is a devastating thing. Just remember we are all moving through life and there's always something to learn and room for improvement! Peace!

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Hello Young Lovers Wherever You Are [05 May 2004|02:43pm]
[ mood | sympathetic ]
[ music | Behind Blue Eyes ]

I found a couple of websites that may be interesting to some of you-I lost a lot of the addresses when reformatting but I am trying to find some more.

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The Young and the Restless [04 May 2004|12:52am]
[ mood | pensive ]
[ music | Isn't Life Strange ]

What can you do to help someone find a direction to their life? Do you pull the rug out from under them and force them to tough it out or do you help them along? Even birds push their young out of the nest-just because it is time, not because they are ready.
It is so hard to stand by and watch the potential-for success and for disaster. The ball must be passed, it is no longer in our court as parents whether it comes to careers or romances. We can only support-our advice has already been given

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End of the Innocence [13 Apr 2004|04:26am]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | 100 Years (again?) ]

Well, I can't say that I haven't been warned,shouldn't be surprised and hey, of course it's what's happening. So sad, so soon, oh, well. :-(

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Whew! #B-D [28 Mar 2004|11:53pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | 100 Years(sorry I like this song!) ]

Wow, we survived, intact and I think most of the kids had a good time at the party, even though it was pretty tame. I hope we weren't too much in the way-we did have to be around a bit. Ya know like get the pizza (eat the pizza) and encourage people to use the BACKyard (it's so very crowded back there). It was funny how the treehouse(?) held up. I don't remember the last time anyone used it. I liked seeing all the kids-some seemed a little quiet. Maybe sometime I'll get to actually MEET more of them and actually talk to them.

(Why are we parents supposed to be in the background? We're not spies. Also, we're not servants. A little acknowledgement of our existence would be nice. Just saying hi, how're you, would be make me happy.)

These guys are soooo lucky to have such a large group of friends to be crazy with, to chill with, to confide in-even to fight with (which comes along with making peace!). They seem to support each other one way or another which is so important. It's one thing to feel lonely and another thing to truly be alone. I hope their being there for each another is enough to help them survive! I hope they turn to safer alternatives for entertainment. Some of them are really talented! I wish they're self-mutilization would stop. They should turn to someone and not someTHING for comfort.

I don't know if all of them were upset with my reading their journals-they are public and many of them ask for someone to read and comment. It seemed to be the only way to actually meet them and get to know them. Maybe that's what makes me like them so much and worry about them, too. Who needs another adult in their business, especially one that's not in any position to help them? I can only be friendly and an occasional free ride.

Peace \/.

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The Weekend Looms. . . . . [23 Mar 2004|12:39pm]
[ mood | busy ]
[ music | 100 Years-Five for Fighting ]

Well, we're planning a BIG weekend. I hope it will be a fun time for everyone. I have to get the house spiffed up somewhat-don't want any foul smells, especially if it gets hot in here. I can't wait to hear the music-sorry I missed it but I really did try but last minute doesn't always make for the best plans.

Next weekend is another big one I'm totally not ready for that one!

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So Sad All Around [11 Mar 2004|02:27pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | In the Court of the Crimson King ]

Well, we finally put Cubby to sleep, poor puppy. Cancer probably just took over everything-we're going to miss him. It'll take a while to get over it. I'm sure everyone will understand.

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Can they be saved? [09 Mar 2004|12:02pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | Lord of the Rings ]

Is there no way to help these guys? Nothing is good enough, they're so restless. Wandering about aimlessly looking for something-I don't think they even know what they're looking for. They're just spinning their wheels. They think they know but I don't think they're making the correct choices. I have to keep the faith and try to hang on to a sense of humor. I'm afraid for all of these kids. I just hope they'll be safe in the end- all of them.

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Sucker!! [10 Feb 2004|08:14am]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | The Last Day of Summer ]

Yeah, that's what I am! Giving in to a request for money for repairs, hah! Let's try alterations-probably illegal alterations at that! What does he think I wouldn't see this when he came home? Well, this one's going to be on him!

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Just Wastin' Time [31 Jan 2004|02:23pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | Life Makes No Sense-The Ataris ]

Man, I never sleep long enough. Here i am nosin' around the computer when I should be sleeping. I heard from Karl-He must be going a bit stir crazy. Oh, well, watch your speed on the road next time.
Ah, one more day then I can sing the freedom song. I'm off two days. I have to get on aschedule or I'll be crashing. I'm just too tired lately. Maybe it's the stuck in the middle of winter blues. Hopefully the upcoming ski trip will perk things up. I just can't keep a hold on myself-getting more and more like a lunatic. I need an outlet that doesn't cost too much to release all this pent up energy before I explode.

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Here's To Putting Your Foot in Your Mouth [17 Jan 2004|04:14pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Shit, I hope I didn't blow it. I lost it with Tina today and yelled at Alex and I was all wrong. What an idiot! I should have waited for an explanation but instead I just went bizerk. They're usually pretty reliable with telling me what's going on. I guess I'm just getting burnt out. I called Alex but noone was home, hopefully he calls back. I guess I'm not so cool afer all just an emo-Mom. I hope you guys can allow for mistakes. Sorry! I have to maintain my trust in them.

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Argggh! /B-{ [16 Jan 2004|05:10pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | Bohemian Rhapsody-Queen ]

I don't know why but I'm extremely angry, annoyed, and feel like being real "snippy snappy." I guess i just didn't get enough sleep. I'm just itchin' for a fight. Cubby is still in bad shape. I'll have to get new meds for him tomorrow. I found Karl is still lying to me. When he loses his license he will lose his car until he can afford to pay for it all himself. Why am I helping him out? I just don't get it. Again, why would he lie about seeing Keisha-the only problem he will have is if he gets pulled over and they don't believe he's on his way to school. I find it hard to trust either one of my kids-they're such good liars! I don't know why I bother trying to do anything for them. They just look at me me like I'm an idiot and interference. Maybe I am. They just use me for what they can get out of me-I get no help or consideration. I hate to say it but maybe Charlie's selfish attitude is right. We should stop all funding and taxiing and entertaining all friend based activities. Damn, I couldn't do that. I'm really stuck. I need an escape!!!

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Old friends, new friends and some blue friends :-( [10 Jan 2004|09:44am]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | Under Pressure by David Bowie ]

So T introduced me to some of her "new" friends. They're very cute and a little wild. I've never seen Richie(where was Emily?) so animated. Maybe it was Frank or the girls I don't know which. Charlie stayed under control-it was Friday you know the worst day of his week. I like having T's friends over. It gives me a whole new perspective on life (or is it deja vu?)

Too bad about A-hope he works things out. I'm sure they will all miss him. He seems to be a good friend.

They went to the mall-for such a short time I can't imagine why? Maybe to make a connection or see Marty as Security Guard (Hey don't spread any false rumors that would be very hurtful to too many people. It's good to talk to someone new with some interests in common-like teenaged kids.). I hope it wasn't to pick up something illegal-that would be too bad. They're zany and creative enough. I have a feeling I'll be seeing more of them.

Aaaargh! I almost set the kitchen on fire-NEVER LEAVE THE KITCHEN WHEN SOMETHING IS ON THE STOVE!!!!! I couldn't stop the alarm. A policeman and the fire chief came to the door. The house was spewing smoke just a few minutes earlier.

Well, T went to Jo's house overnight-I hope they're keeping the fun down to a legal level. I don't know when she'll come home-maybe she'll call first. Of course I'll worry-I always do lately-too emo for my taste but as always I'm stuck between seeing things as fun and then I remember my "parental responsibiliy" It would beso much easier to say have a great time, do what you wnt. Oh, well. I just wish I was the kid not the mom..(Gee, I used to want to be the Mom not the kid-being a kid was too lonely and difficult. Oh,well. )

Be safe kids. I'll pray for ALL of you!

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Disappointed [07 Jan 2004|10:18pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]
[ music | We're Not Gonna Take It by Twisted Sister ]

Just when I was beginning to have faith I am disappointed again. When you trust someone to be honest with you and you stumble upon the truth what do you do? Especially when it's your own kid. I seem lost in the search of being able to relax and just let life happen, let them make their own decisions but once again it is proven that kids are still kids and probably should never be trusted-they always show this to me again and again. If they can't be straight with you then either they ARE doing something they shouldn't be doing or they think they are doing something wrong. Why don't they trust me? It's not like I go off the wall over every little thing. Maybe I should start hampering the freedom already had like not allowing traveling to places and people I don't know. Who knows what will happen there, when they can't let you know what is really happening even when nothing bad(?) is happening? I wonder how they would feel if I were to be just as dishonest with them as they are with me? Oh, yeah, that would be very irresponsible of me, like yeah, immature.

ADD this to shoplifting and the "screwdriver incident" I think I need to get a little more restrictive and be more a parent and less an advocate. If only I had the guts to be less wishy washy. Shit!!!!

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Some days are better than others [30 Dec 2003|03:43pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | Far Away by Staind ]

Well, yesterday was all messed up. I was just planning to go to the mall to do some exchanges with T and just basically hang out at home. Then I find out my son still has the need to lie to me over the stupidest things-he could say he doesn't want me to know but instead he makes up some story. I guess I'll need to remember that I can never fully trust anything he tells me. So after going totally emo over that we go shopping-of course there were long lines and a few whiny people but otherwise It was OK. T was able to find some replacements for her gifts and since she left the store when I went to pay I was able to get myself a shirt-buy one get one free-if I had her stay she may have found a second pair of jeans, oh, well.
Then when we went home my son called to tell me he had a car accident-a hit and run(!?). When I told my husband he got all nuts about everything to do with K and said I was a "wuss" so I got POed and left pretty much for the night. (A little advice to you guys as soon as your bf or gf shows any disrespect for you run the other way cause it probably will never permanently change!) By this time I was so depressed I didn't know what to do. It was so funny T's friend tried to cheer me up-maybe it helped a bit. I know what I wanted to do but such things are not an option-having to be a good example for the kiddies and all. I couldn't even listen to the music I wanted, so I decided to use some gift certificates and got myself a Dido CD and a Car Ready CD player. I bought everyone else a CD player why don't I have one. Oh, well it cost more than the gift certificate, too bad.
As soon as I was leaving the store T informed me that the movie will be later than planned. I already told her I was available all night-no work-so dropped a few friends off. At this point I was so strung out I just wanted to collapse so I went home. When I got into bed he still had something nasty to say but I wasn't going to deal with it. I left to pickup the kids when she called ~1AM and dropped friends off.

Today started out OK so far. Cubby woke me up and went for a long walk-when see him I think he's in a lot of misery and then he takes a long walk-go figure. Went out and did a little taxiing- the CD player worked OK-I think we'll all enjoy it. T and friends are hanging out and who knows what will happen next!?

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Stuck like a rat in a trap! [21 Dec 2003|08:58pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]
[ music | Techno Music by Jeun Jauck ]

Oh, well. I really wanted to go skiing this week with T and company but too short notice didn't let me get all "my" work done for the holidays. Maybe I'll plan a trip to New Orleans with Sue but that'll take some research. I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE AND GET A LIFE!! Oh, yeah, only if I leave everyone all comfy and settled and fed and organized. AARGH!!!! I wish I could just pack up and go!

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Another One Bites the Dust [01 Dec 2003|09:49am]
[ mood | lazy ]
[ music | Tin Man Syndrome ]

Well, another weekend is over. It started with calling in sick Friday-yeah, I really was feeling aweful-a fire inside. We went to see a movie-trying to get the old dating days feeling back-oh, well. Couldn't get tickets to the Elf showings we wanted so we opted for Gothika-ha, ha my choice. It was suspenseful, not a 5 star but not bad. Came home early and waited to pick up T.
Saturday, of course is all about T-day. That's OK. It's great to have friends to hang with as long as they're taming it down-the rebeliousness that is. I'm trying to not be the heavy-I think I'm doing OK, but I still have to be the"Mom". Not too cool for me. Some might think I'm too involved-screw that. The kids need to be somewhere besides surfing the mall and the backlots trying to get high. So what if they are-that's between them and their family-they need a place to chill, oh, yeah, and a ride home.
When their fun is over I get to go to work-I actually get to hangout and talk with someone in my own realm-even though it's only at work. Major stress release!
Sunday I planned to go to church but never made it. I stopped and got more meds for my burning gut on the way home from work. I passed out after trying to rouse the sleeping beauties who weren't going to budge. When we finally woke up T seemed to be in a huff-I don't know why, I guess she doesn't want me to interfere with her sleepy brain-can't talk to her sometimes it gets pretty annoying. She was alone all day maybe that had something to do with it-everyone stayed home.
My son got ready to go back to school and left at 3:30 made it there by 10:30-not bad. His "visit" went ok-saw all the important people. We saw him for a few minutes which was OK. He spent Thanksgiving and Wednesday's dinner with us. His cousins were happy to see him. He didn't get to say goodbye to Charlie.
Sunday after dinner T and I watched Finding Nemo-very beautifully done and good story-it was fun. I have to watch it with Charlie,too or I'll be in trouble(again?).
Well, now it's Monday and I'm wasting time on the computer. I have to get back to working around the house-oh,boy, oh,boy.

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Interfering In Son's Life [25 Nov 2003|01:37pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]
[ music | Close to the Edge by Yes ]

It's a totally frustrating dilemma. My 18 year old "college-attending" son is having an ongoing relationship with a H.S. girl who lives appproximately 3 hours away from school. Obviously this costs time and money to visit this girl. They seem to be keeping this relationship a secret from her Mom which I have advised him not to do. He is using up all his money to pay for gas and other expenses related to these visits. His grades are poor.
We pay for his car insurance and have paid for half his car. Common sense says we should take the car off the road and even possibly pull him out of school next semester.
At 18 he is legally an adult(?). How much should I interfere? Should I just let his life take it's course and hope for the best with school? I could call the girl's mother. I do have phone numbers from his dormitory phone bill.
I hate to be the heavy but I am his mother. Do I have the right to interfere?

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In the beginning [28 Oct 2003|12:33pm]
The adventure begins. Let me see where this Blurty will take me.
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