Broken PromiseS' Journal

Saturday, August 23, 2003

9:25PM

i saw that commercial for nicholas cage's new movie and i wanna see it so badly. is it just me or doesn't everyoen think that he is pretty hot for an old guy? when i was like 10 i had a crush on john travolta in broken arrow. also i saw the commercial for 1010-987 with john stamos. is it possible he has gotten hotter with age?
and so ends my old men column

(4 Forgot my Birthday | Blow Out the Candles)

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

6:08PM - one devotion. to an empty moment

ahh well where to begin? i went out monday night with katey and her friend Jeff from Washington. He wasn't at all what i expected. well, ok maybe he wasn't a total shock but he was different. i knew right from the start who he was still in love with and i really wish that he wouldn't put so much pressure on one person.
anyway.. we left around 6:30 to go see Richie and his new band False Remedy. they are soo much better than Common Mistake and it has only been 3 practices. i have to say, im happy for him. afterwards, i think we headed back to Richie's and watched Friends for a while until they finished making pasta. we ate in 5 minutes flat and rushed to Broadway Mall to see S.W.A.T. We had time because we chose the later show at 9:25. so we went around to some stores. and of course no day is complete unless i screw something up..which was i sprayed Katey with perfume. What i didnt know is that Richie is allergic to perfume. so i apologized a million times then suggested katey and i switch shirts. American Eagle's dressing room was packed so we went to Mother Maternity. YES .. i am not kidding. we ran into this little room with a curtain and changed shirts so that Richie would sit next to her. The manager was getting angry and told us we had 2 minutes to get out and that there are security cameras around the place. we tried to explain our situation but they looked confused and we went for it anyway. The halloween store was next. Yanna called me and Katey ran into yet another friend. she is so god damn popular..ha.
oh yah the movie.. it was surprisingly good. and yes, i will finally agree that Colin Farrel is hot. But all together it was a great movie because they didnt spoil it with stupid romance scenes. The night sky was amazing because you could see Mars and it looked like a harvest moon for some reason. i wish i could have slept over because then i could have seen in through a telescope. i alwaysfeel so bad though. i always intrude upon Katey and i just wish that one day i can make it up to her. she is a great friend.
bad news= i called my dad to stay over katey's. he was pissed because i was supposed to be home at 11:30. i was home around 12:30... it was bad. so now im grounded but only for just one more day. so friday ill hang out with Yanna. and maybe thursday night Dan will come over. i am really not looking forward to camp even though it is just 2 more days. i have the worse sore throat and headaches. i dont feel up to singing and dancing with the little ones. and to top it off, the counselers are all ganging up against one another.
i say good-bye as my head hits the desk...

Current mood: dorky
Current music: dan conklin- you are

( Blow Out the Candles)

Monday, August 18, 2003

3:03PM

I smiled the whole way home...

(1 Forgot my Birthday | Blow Out the Candles)

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

3:37PM - Super soap!!!

haha--it will make sense later.

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( Blow Out the Candles)

Sunday, August 10, 2003

1:20AM - w00t

I realized i haven't written much about north carolina or the shit that's happened in the past. w/e past is past doesn't matter anymore. although, i did meet a really awesome girl named jenna from California.
i cant remember much of this week which is sad...i know i had sleepovers and fun times..
oh wednesday=echo park. it was sunny until about 4..so i good color. there was some guy that decided to lay on a towel in front of me. i wouldnt have minded but he was wearing a speedo..and had a boner ::screams:: then some ghetto people sat in back of me. it started to rain on a very good part of harry potter so i gto up and took a shower in the locker room. i was going to leave for erin's house on my bike. I was walking out and this girl next to me says "damnit its raining and i have to walk home" i told her she is lucky she didnt have to ride 3 miles back to malverne in the rain. so we started talking and now we are friends...just dandy right? --haha. oh and btw..she was one of the ghetto people behind me ..i just didnt notice lol. but she is into old metal like metallica and led zepallin. which is awesome. tuesday=80's movie night at her (yanna's) house.
i've had waaay too many sleepovers but too bad i didnt write about them.
Friday..colleen, amanda and i painted the banners for the church camp...i have to say we made a mess of things..then Last night i had meg, amanda, and colleen over. we were up until 5:30 ::oh man:: my room smelled soo weird...like nail polish, popcorn, ice cream, smores..and so on. then amanda and meg HAD to stick their feet out my window...it's tradition i suppose. we colored very pretty pictures for each other and showed colleen how my dog can act like a rabbit...very entertaining. Meg forgot Breakfast Club ::mumbles under breath:: hehe but it was alright because it showed up on tv plus we watched NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS and DICK. hehe... lick the dick. you know it's a pickle!...we played Moods again plus telephone...cock? no coke!..midgets..green...i mean uh blue!..yah that didnt work. then..mmm...cheesy, it just exploded, i swear i didn't touch it, you look like meatloaf, ::strokes chin::--we have too many inside jokes to share.
anyway, as i was rambling on..dick was such a great movie...cuz well, arlene is just like me minus the blond hair and chest-ha. painting our nails on the blankets then jumping to turn on the fan=not a good idea...but trying to catch pretzels in your mouth at 4am is.
The Battle of the Bands kinda sucked but Sick of Sophie was there...we stayed cuz we promised them we would..moral support...oh but never yell out that the other bands suck while their mothers are standing next to you...oh no. we got some pizza afterwards and bumped into meg's old neighbors and it just so happens they need a babysitter..live right near me...their kid goes to my old school...and they know a relative of mine..and the kid wouldnt let go of me and meg. I wished erin could have stayed longer...sadly..i have stupid rules to obey by my parents...oh well. erin this is for you: "mr bimble, fozzy, cake, elbow, yawn, ice cream"
No one would understand that..so dont try to.
So, after everyone finally left my house around 4 on saturday..amanda and i made a wonderful picture of dan which i sooo want to post but he would kill me if i did. t was 4 guys dressed with fairy costumes and sneakers...the pic said.."running fairies? an olympic sport??" so at the top we wrote chaminade track team and under one of the guys, we labeled dan and added red c's to each shirt. then we emailed it. i have to say, i am still amused.
meg: oh man..he's an imaginary dude that goes to fairy school!!
after i got my lazy ass into the shower, walked the dog, and took a bullitin from the church, i walked to amanda's then we went to theresa's to watch DONNIE DARKO!!!! ahhh..it was really good but yet, im still confused. (as always) i've had the donnie darko icon on my journal : Lost_Invection for months now. Donnie is cute in a mental sort of way. we also walked into Lynbrook and pushed the buttons a million times and stole coke from quiznos..which by the way has good subs. mmm...toasty!!
tomorrow, well today now...i have diana's sweet 16 at 5...
amanda goes w00t
Jaime goes t00w
.:.Jingles for Jaime.:.Pats for Panda.:.Claps for Colleen.:.Mosh for Meg.:.
PEGME...or PEGMECOL...w/e we are retards...at least i admit to it.
ok..done..promise.

Current mood: sleepy
Current music: nirvana-heart-shaped box

(2 Forgot my Birthday | Blow Out the Candles)

Wednesday, August 6, 2003

11:56PM - blasphemous rumors

hm. i've figured out i have waay to many journals and i'm not sure which ones i'm going to use. I like some of these now because of the pictures i've found.
i still have candycurlcane on deadjournal...nice picture from the breakfast club there. i never update on there unless i comment on someone's journal.
then on blurty i have my communities..and pink triangle(with amanda)
hm.. and lost_invection
so...when i figure it out...it will be posted..i guess. who knows.

Current mood: hot
Current music: duncan sheik-barely breathing

( Blow Out the Candles)

Saturday, April 26, 2003

8:56PM - guys are stupid, throw rocks at them

ahh ty makes me so angry..i'm readin agatha christie's "and then there were none" I have to wake up at like 3am monday morning ..i'll be in NY by 10:30..hopefully home by like 11:30. I just need sleep..i haven't had a good nights rest in such a long time. I guess it's stress and that one day where betty was gonna leave and she yelled at me like i was the devil and taking my father away from her. IDK what the hell i do. Things come and haunt me time and time again. Then we have money situations which my parents dont talk about and they let me buy w/e i want. But i know better and i conserve my money but i hearmy grandpa talking about it and idk what to think. I have so many thoughts clouding my head but idk what to think or what to write so good-bye

( Blow Out the Candles)

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

12:38AM - Those u hate..discriminate and eliminate..waste of flesh that u must dispose of

-, name - jaime
,-' nicknames - JJ the jet plane, coconut, umm confused one, "hey you!", LOL
'-, age - 15
,-' b-day - 10-09-87
'-, location - good old malverne
,-' height - 5' 2"--short yes iknow
,-' siblings - none..hmm i get to sleep late ellen..hehe
'-,
,-' last person ...
'-, u touched -uh ellen..lol but not like that...she touched my ass not the other way around..im j/k with ya.. we're only lesbians on fridays
,-' u talked 2 - my dad ::stabs::
'-, u hugged - ellen as i left her house and she chased me with a bottle of perfume
,-' u IMed - tyler :;another stab::
'-, u yelled at - my dad
'-, have u // do you ... WHAT?
,-' c0nsidered a life of crime - haha im such a thief but i didnt make counterfeit money!! i swear!!!!!!!
'-, c0nsidered being a ho0ker - haha always...
,-' c0nsidered being a pimp - always..
'-, are you psycho - hah yet again yes
,-' split personalities - what no..haha she means yes...no i dont think so...shut up over there!!!
'-, schizophrenic - i do what the voices tell me
,-' obsessive - yehh lol ;x
'-, obsessive compulsive - no
,-' panic - not often
'-, anxiety - occasionally
,-' depressed - yesh
'-, suicidal - no
,-' obsessed with hate - well uh MAYBE
'-, understanding - definitely, unless ur stupid
,-' open-minded - yeaaah
'-, arrogant - no def not
,-' insecure - very
'-, entertaning - HAHA i try to be
,-' hungry - yes.. what about a dessert after dessert?? is that so bad??
'-, friendly - usually
,-' smart - i guess
'-, m0ody - yep
,-' childish - sometimes :x
'-, independent -yea
,-' hard working - kinda
'-, organized -eh
,-' healthy - no lol
'-, emotionally stable - uhh NO
,-' shy - depends..i have all sorts of moods
'-, difficult - sometimes ;x
,-' complex - uh huh
'-, attractive - ask a guy
,-' bored easily - im bored now, thats why im doin this shit
'-, thirsty - yepp always
,-' responsible - eh i guess so
'-, sad - alot
,-' happy - sometimes
'-, trusting - why should i trust anyone? people lie but people can trust me
,-' talkative: yah mostly around good friends
'-, original - uhh...kinda
,-' different-people say im special
,-' lonely - yes
'-, dyed ur hair - yea
,-'
'-, piercingz - my ears..wishing for more
,-' tattoos - no ..hopefully
'-, floss daily- yah
'-, ever get off the darn computer - haha no
,-' sprechen sie deutsche? nope
'-, habla espanol - not much
,-'
'-, currently ..
,-' clothe`z - sweatshirt and pants.
'-, mo0d - bored ; pissed off ; tired
,-' taste - kinda bad...i need to brush my teeth before i go to sleep lol
'-, hair - up in a banadana and hair tie
,-' annoyance - guys..exes..tyler..people who u find out really arent there for u or are ur friends
'-, smell - hmm probably strawberry lipgloss
,-' thing you ought to be doing - sleeping or maybe even doing hw..(nah)
'-, desktop picture -stars
,-' favorite Group - too many
'-, b0ok - taking it
,-' DVD In Player - ??
'-, refreshment - water
,-' worry - the world on my shoulders
'-, song - ::silence:: my worst enemy
,-'
'-,
,-' current favorite...
'-, celebrity - not sure actually...ooh umm grace from will and grace
,-' food - french fries, mozerella sticks..basically anything with cheese but ICE CREAM is a def. plus
'-, drink - ha im more of a water person
,-' color - black, red
'-, shoe`z -my volatile shoes...ha now i have 2!! (dont ask)
,-' candy - hmm..sugar yum
'-, TV Show - i dont really watch much tv anymore--maybe those repeats on ch. 39..like everybody loves raymond, friends, home improvement--ooh the simpsons are good and will and grace. ::sigh:: i miss the tv...::hugs it::
,-' m0vie - i wanna see donnie darko ::throws temper tantrum::
'-, vegtable - uhh salad?
,-' fruit - strawberries, plums, bananas and apples !!! hehe panda
'-, long or short hair - long
,-' dark or blond hair -dark ..hey what about red? crayola red???
'-, tall or short - being short isnt bad...id like a tall guy though...doesnt matter
,-' mr.sensitive or mr.funny - both..but we cant always have that can we so i guess mr sensitive
'-, good guy or bad guy - bad boys
,-' dark or light eyes - light
'-, hat or no hat - depends who and where
,-' pierced or no - peirced
'-, freckles or none - not sure...depends on the guy
,-' stubble or neatly shaved? neatly
'-, rugged outdoorsy type or sporty type - sporty i guess
,-'
'-, preferences ...
,-' chocolate milk or hot chocolate -choc. milk
'-, mcdonalds or burger King -i dont really like fast food unless of course i go to mcdonalds to give them a counterfeit $5 bill
,-' marry tha perfect lover or the perfect friend - friend
'-, sweet or sour - sweet
,-' root beer or dr. Pepper - dr. pepper
'-, sappy // action // comedy // horror- comedy
,-' cats or dogs - cats
'-, ocean or Pool - pool but i like the beach to lay down and get tan
,-' cool ranch or nacho cheese - cool ranch
'-, mud or jell-0 wrestling - haha..hmm jell-o
,-' with or without ice-cubes - with
'-, shine or rain? shine
,-' winter // summer // spring // fall// - summer
'-, vanilla or chocolate -chocolate
,-' gloves or mittens - gloves
'-, eyes open or closed - closed
,-' fly or breathe under water - fly
'-, bunk-bed or waterbed - water
,-' chewing gum or hard candy - gum
'-, motor boat or sailboat - motor
,-' lights on or off - off
'-, chicken or fish - chicken
,-'
'-, your favorite ...
,-' number - 3
'-, holiday - christmas
,-' radio station - 92.3
'-, place - anywhere but here
,-' flower - rose, lily, ..actually i have many i like
'-, scent - vanilla, strawberry

Current mood: angry
Current music: heart pounding...tears dropping..this is when i say good-bye

( Blow Out the Candles)

Thursday, April 17, 2003

6:58PM - My oh so wonderful continuation of Huckleberry Finn

Huckleberry Finn Takes on the Mississippi River

Well it hadn’t been more than two weeks when I comes to realize that living with Aunt Polly was like eating watermelon; darn tasty but had its seeds. It were those seeds I couldn’t take and so I had to lit out. Tom only stayed with Aunt Sally till he was healed up from the bullet wound. It was back to St. Petersburg for him. Jim was announced a free man and I was awful glad to hear it. He said to me that he would work like a dog to get his family back again. We had some great adventures that Jim and I. As for me, well I wanted to see them both again. So I’d planned it. It were too simple for Tom’s tastes but I were jus so plum eager to lit out that nothin’ else seemed to matter. I stole some food from Aunt Sally but my conscience got to me. It made me feel so ornery that I promised Providence that I was jus’ borrowing a few things to be on my way. So that there night I crawls out the window by my bed and found my trusty raft. As I sees it, there warn’t any other way. I has to find Tom and Jim before my conscience got the better of me.
It felt awful good to be on my raft again. I warn’t any further than a mile or so when the sun began to shine in all its glory. It was mighty warm but I ain’t no whining cat. It were days like those that brought me back to the good ol’ days when I had first run away from Pap. I still don’t believe he’s gone. But that’s Pap for you alright. He was always getting into things that he knew were no good but it ain’t no matter now. He was long gone and I didn’t no what to think of then and I weren’t about to think of it now. Well my stomach started up like it were gonna explode. So, I thinks to myself it were time to find land.

Nearby was a small island that looked kinda familiar like. I tied up the raft and got off. There were nothing but berry bushes and proper looking houses all around. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. This were the place I had met Mary Jane. Well I felt good right off. So, I tries to find some people and ask them where she may be. Just as I was about to ask this humble looking man, I sees a poster that said, “ Wanted: the accomplice to The Royal Nonesuch and supposed Wilks brothers.” When I sees that I nearly collapsed. It described the King and Duke; almost like the men were standing right there in front of me. It were me they were on the hunt for. I got such a feeling and I knew Providence was catchin’ up with me for stealing poor ol’ Aunt Sally’s food and helping out Jim. I wanted to die and saw no use in staying no longer.
I ran right back to my raft but before I could reach it, some girl pulled me aside. It were hare-lip! Well I knew right then I were a goner cuz she hadn’t never liked me before, and why should she start now?. But she says, “ It’s you ain’t it? Are you back to tricking us again? What are you gonna do now that your ‘uncles‘ are gone?” Then I says, “ Well see here hare-uh I mean Joanna, I won’t have nothing to do with those folk anymore. Honest injun.” She looked at me kinda uneasy, like Miss Watson would do when she didn’t know how to punish me. Then she says, “Well, alright I guess you ain’t gonna do us much harm so why don’t you come back to our house and have dinner.” Well the thought of seeing Mary Jane again made my body warm and I couldn’t refuse.
We got back to her place and I was scared of walking through that door, but I had done it many a time before. The stern faces of those Wilks folk made me feel ornery and ashamed. Just then I saw the real Harvey and William sitting with Susan. They stood up and I felt my knees a trembling. The men were hollering like hounds to Joanna but she broke in and says, “He won’t do us any harm now, the other men are gone”. She went on and on for a while, taking the lumber off my shoulders. I didn’t think this were the same ol’ hare-lip that I knew. I’ll tell ya, she had the most grit I’d seen since Mary Jane. No wonder they be kin. Well, we got to talking and later on had dinner. There still warn’t any sign of Mary Jane. So I says, “Does anyone know where Mary Jane be?” They says to me that she met a nice young fella while I was gone. I had never felt so down before. It were like I was expecting a sucker punch and got whopped in the jaw.
They invited me to stay that night but I weren’t too keen on being sivilized as I’d said before. So I left on my raft again, and headed out toward St. Petersburg. That’s where Tom and Jim be. This time, I was gonna find Judge Thatcher and git my money. Tom said to me I could use it for chewing tobacco and some nice lady shows but I knew what it were for. It were for Jim, and his family. Jim were nothing but nice to me and it were about time that I’d help him. I thinks to myself about all this and those adventures I’d had. I thought about Mary Jane and how I missed her so. Then, I thought about hare-lip. She treated me so good that day and I knew I would come back to see her. Joanna were kinda like Mary Jane in a way, an awful good way. I thinks to myself, in honor of Tom, I’m gonna have me a good time on this here trip.

Current mood: content
Current music: Evanescence- taking over me

(1 Forgot my Birthday | Blow Out the Candles)

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

5:49PM - This is what i sent to Rich..it kinda did help me in a way

alright, i'm going to try this but i feel yah just a bit uncomfortable cuz i rarely talk to u but the only person online that i can talk to is Amanda and all she can keep telling me is to ignore what's going on around me because if others see that it's hurting me, they will just continue. But i've ignored for so long..since the beginning of grammar school and i can't take it anymore..i just want to scream but it only comes out as a whisper. I go unnoticed yet again or when i am noticed..it's because i said or did something idiotic. i dont know if i should just send u one of my old journal entries or just type randomly.. type..alright.
My problem used to be about family...the typical childhood drama where ur parents fight all the time and ur mother just never participates in anything. Ur an only child, so anger just is kept bottled inside. ur mom throws tantrums and u take after her disturbed mentality and end up pushing away those closest to u. other shit happens..i'll skip over it.. and ur 7 or 8 knowing ur mom is having an affair before maybe even ur own father knows. I can understand why she acts the way she does because of the way she was brought up but still.. i can't take the fact that i tried to get her to quit smoking for a very long time and she wouldn't but when it is a matter of her occupation, she gives it up. Or the fact i wrote her a letter about how i felt and she laughed at it. This is why i don't share my feelings with many people but i always end up doing it, like i am now. I'm debating whether i should send this or not...maybe i'll save it for a while. I trust too easily and fall trap to those who guise themselves as friends and people that supposedly love u. its bullshit.
Tyler (my ex) said he loved me. Yes we were one of those couples that couldn't quite make things work all the time. I always ended up crying each time i saw him or right after. we broke up a total of 3 times, this time being the final one. I dont even know why i did it though, like i knew there were reaosns but in my mind, i couldn't think of any when i did it. All i knew was that it was right. I didn't regret it but now i feel that i am. not because i love him, Just because im afraid that no one is ever going to love me like that again and i'll never find anyone who loves me for who i am. Or at least thats what i thought. I thought he loved me. It turns out he ( just 2 weeks later) doesn't want a girlfriend and got some blond chick's # who is on track. She is prob the oppisite of me, blond hair, blue eyes, athletic, great at everything. U always want the things u can't have. I'm appalled at my own thoughts. what happend this friday: i was over my friend amanda's and around 10ish i get a call on my cell. I didn't know who it was but picked it up anyway. some guy was demanding me to come to the movies...i heard alot of people. I kept asking what his name was and after about 5 minutes he told me. it was mike. Then i heard some girl in the background talking shit about me, her voice sounded all too familiar but i couldnt figure it out. On saturday, today i asked tyler's friend greg what he did this weekend. He said the movies. I then asked him if he tried calling me cuz i was out and told him to tell me the honest truth. He finally said mike called me from greg's cell and a lot of people were there. I can't believe that someone who claimed to love me, that i was the best thing in is life, i changed him
(he gave me a necklace with a bottle cap on it which was the last drink he'd ever have) but he could pick up 3 weeks later actually less than that cuz this all started about a week ago...and he could just hate me now. he promised we'd always be friends...i wanted to be friends...i should have known that it's impossible. I have never been able to keep anyone as a friend except for Dan. He lives near me.
yah that was another thing. since i broke up with tyler alot of shit has been happening and this just seems like the week from hell. I thought about ending it here for a while the other night...but i'm even too pathetic to do that. I'm too weak and i hate pitying myself or having other people pity me.
I went to Dan's tonight and i was flirting with him way too much and he kinda just played along. I dont know what i was thinking..it's Dan..hes just this great friend i have..i dont know why i would just throw myself at him. I've just been so upset lately and i can't stand that i would sink to that level. But he didn't try anything. He's always been like that. Even when we went out..he never attempted to kiss me..and even now..he didn't. To tell u the truth, i know i didn't want to do anything with him. I just wanted that feeling back and i thought i could somehow bring it back through him. He's not even someone i could talk to. We could talk about stupid things and just laugh until we couldn't breathe but he's not someone who can be all sypathetic and help me out.
then there's the people u wish u never became friends with. I used to live in Long Beach and i was best friends with the people that lived there. As time progressed after i moved, and we were fine until mid year. That's when they started to hate me. We never even talked and out of no where i got these rude comments and heinous stares. After a while, it went away but now they are back again. I had one of them actually go up to Katey and tell her i was a bad influence on her and that she has changed because of it. I hope katey doesnt feel that way, she said she doesnt. I dont know what i woudl do without her, she was there for me during really hard times and so was julia. Then it affected my relationships with Laura and jackie. I feel like im losing all of my close friends just because some people hate me. It's not like i did anything but they just hate me for being ME. that's what hurts most of all. yes i know that if people act this way, then they are not worth being friends with. That is true and i dont want to be friends with tham anymore. but the fact that every time i become happy, someone is there to push me down again, makes u wonder what the hell the meaning of ur life really is. I have things that i dont want anyone knowing about and somehow people i knew from grammar school get into my life again and ruin everything i have going for me. hat is what happened this friday. I dont know who todl tyler or why those people were there but they were and thats all that matters right now. He knew the most about me, well the parts i was willing to share. he helped me get better and shared so much with me..i felt special for once and i received that love i was deprived of growing up. Now i see life is full of lies and deceit and it makes me sick to see that this is what i am going to have to put up with for the rest of my life. I write all the time, on my journal, in a book, i make poems..even though they suck but it still doesnt change the fact that im hurt and people are cruel. Iguess i'm happier than i used to be back before highschool. I mean i actually kinda like my step-mom now and i can actually stand my father. I used to hide the things i felt i had falt in by making other attributes of myself look good but that only caused a spiraling whirlwind of other chaos. It's alright now though because i've learned it only prolonged the inevitable. I'm still not happy though and crying myself to sleep isnt helping. This week as i must say again just has sucked the life out of me and i can't hold myself up anymore. All i can do is fake a few smiles and forget it because i need to concentrate on school and other friends so that i dont do something incredibly stupid. what am i saying.. i'm not strong enough to stand up to those who hate me and im not stong enough to do what would please them the most.
wow well i just realized this is very very long and yah im going to save this for a lil bit and figure out what to do tomorrow. --Jaime

Current mood: lonely
Current music: bright eyes- lover i don't have to love

( Blow Out the Candles)

Saturday, April 12, 2003

8:15PM - when most of ur life is spent sleeping, something must be wrong

What a pity, i'm all alone.
i'm waiting for ur call, any sign of regret or sadness, none of which i receive.
My heart breaks and words have no meaning anymore.
The silence is scary and my wounds will not heal.
I search for a deeper sense of faith.
u are no where to be found.
i fell for u, like i always do.
i cry and shatter into a million pieces.
Incisive fragments represent my shattered thoughts.
Searching for those missing words and trying to make sense of what i used to know.
You're a liar, a coward, a fraud, and fiend.
May u burn in hell for ur mistakes.
sitting silently, face stings of warm tears
i want to scream
my voice trembles as the words force their way up my throat.
I bite my tongue.
the blood reminds me of when we were together.
I got dizzy from running in circles each day but now that the sickness faded,
and i'd like to revert back to my pattern.
My thoughts make me hurt deep within.
tehy make me feel ashamed, pathetic and scared.
above everything else, i feel used.
I'm growing tired.
my eyelids drop ever so slowly
i'll lay down for a while, recollecting on fears.
I'll do anything but sleep.

=============================================


Sadness deprives my soul of oxygen and i can't breathe.
Gasping on that one last breath of air, i say ur name.
my scream is merely a whisper that no one notices.
i die in this chair and turn as cold as ur heart.
i'm so happy with out you here, just look at my smile, it pities you.
My lips, blue like her eyes.
I hope she suits ur liking.
These last tears of mine were not mourning out lost love.
I've been drained of all humanity, peace shall finally be fulfilled.
time goes on, and i'm sitting silently in that same chair, still and untouched.
uve moved on and haven't given me a second thought.--what else is new?
i'm merely a skeleton, rotting faster each day.
so old, so fragile, so forgotten by you.
enscribed in my chair are initials.
i swear they aren't yours.

==========================================

This room is so crowded by thoughts of you.
not a single space to breathe.
i'll hold my breath until my body is blue.
this heart of mine aches for someone new.
i look around for that person, anyone that would at leats pretend to love me.
my dreams are crushed by an insulting tone
ur voice reminds me of those looks of stone.
ur moving faster with each step i take
that smile u wear is completely fake.

========================================

(this is kinda like the others but...)

Sadness deprives my soul of oxygen and i can't breathe.
i'm looking for ur arms to fall back upon.
with out them i fail to live.
i drop through the sky like this bullet in my head and still no remorse (from u) for words said.
i only realized what i ahd lost until i lost it completely.
someone stole u from my grasp, long after i let go.
u sit there wondering why u lost my security and i wonder it too.
i wish i knew how this all began
bring me back to the start
ask me to stay
lie to me, tell me u love me
tell me i'm special
tell me we ahve another day
darkness overcomes the sky with a field of gray
it's so hard to see the stars
if i could just reach one, maybe even fly away.
i'd fly so far just to find otu i like it better the other way.
i step out onto the ledge and reach my arms up to the sky and watch all our perfect moments run by.
i've solved my problem, my head is cleared of ur face,
although my soul has been replaced.

=================================

Life just sucks sometimes
friendships turn into lies
how long must she endure this pain?
it wont fade away, no matter how hard she tries.
every day is a new struggle to fight for.
she tries to raise above it but has never found a cure.
ignoring the misery is hard to do and somedays she wishes her life was through
she'll lay down some nights and cry herself to sleep
her dreams interupted by worries kept so deep.
there's nothing she'd want more than to crawl in a corner and die
anything would suit her, any kind of lie.
dim sunlight surpasses the curtains of her room, symbolizing daybreak, the start of something new.
she knows what will come of it, the incessive daily routine,
and what does she have to show for it?
this bloody mess of a scene
her pain is over now
the tears have dissolved
all those heinous people have forgotten her
they problem is finally solved

Current mood: depressed
Current music: puddle of mudd- she hates me

(2 Forgot my Birthday | Blow Out the Candles)

Wednesday, April 9, 2003

9:15PM - The pendulum swings both ways, but for u it's always swinging down

There are days where one may come to believe that the lies u've once told urself are true. I'm alright, i really am. If that's so true, then why do these tears form>? and why do i get shots of pain throughout my body or even lose sleep? WHy did i break down in religion? Not because i was afraid of a detention because i've had 2 before. I just couldn't stand the fact that there was someone that hated me just as much as everyone else did and i started to hate myself too. I couldn't stand the fact that my dad may of had another failure to add to my list. He hates looking like a bad parent and that's why nothing ever gets talked about and thats why i hide. Last time i got in deep shit because of my big mouth. Its evil to talk about ur problems or about ur family. So what if ur old friends hate u and are still making ur life hell, they aren't worht being ur friends. Then who is??? They left me, then they told everyone else to do the same. Does anyone know what its like trying so hard to become happy and no one will allow it. Am i doing something wrong?? why does everyoen ahte me. The wrost part is..they hate me for being..well me. That fucking hurts. Then when u try to explain it to everyone else, its not their fault...its urs for over analyzing everything. I just want to know what the hell i did wrong..be strong and actually say ur comments to my face. I feel like this is grammar school all over again. Well, at least tomorrow i get out of gym to go see the social worker.::sighs::.
On sunday, Tyler wouldn't tell me what was on his mind, i blew up because i just knew he didn't like the fact we werent together and just friends. But i finally dont regret something and i cant take it back now. Then online i couldnt stand the fact he wasnt iming me. So i did, and he ignored me. I should have written something down cuz it affected me. The next day, olan ims me to get advice on a problem. I help her, even though we arent exactly that great right now...we never really were. But i ahd to bring it up so iasked how come she was talking shit about me again...we promised we wouldnt interfere in each other's lives. But she wouldnt give me a straight answer. I think i should have written that day too especially since tyler and i still werent talking and my family was getting to me too. I hate the fact im not better...it was killing me.knowing i might be taken away..knowing i was the biggest screw up and it was too alet to change and i was given too many chances. The next day was worse...i cant even look up anymore in the halls...i cant take it anymore. In religion, it happened. After class i ahd to get up and go get my stuff that sr. Grace took away. I started to tear and told myself to stop. I hate the fact i cant control anything. Everythign just came tumbling down all at once. my teacher didnt want to hear excuses or that i was sorry and it reminded me so much of my parents. They gave me so many chances to gte better, sr. grace gave me so many chances to just be a good student. Yet i refused to obey and then i got in trouble for it. Thats what scared me. I knew pretty soon my parents would find out im not better, although i am better than i was 3 years ago, just not enough. I said thank u for writing me up, at leats u have a reaosn for hating me. She told me to come back and i couldnt leave until i said what i meant. She ended up prying it out of me about my ruined friendships, the fact that i may not be in school in another month (she thought i wnated to kill myself) and taht no one can know i told her anything becasue my parents are strict like that. I just ddint tell her in detail about anything. Kinda like im doing now. Then that night laura ims me to try and be friends again..i dont know..she is friends with people who hate me and it hurts to see her around them. The next day though steph trollo had the nerve to say "oh doesn anyone here know laura costello? that girl is so great..i love her" then looks at me! what the hell!!! i hate laura now and im not going to take that shit. I dont want people knowing and trying to sympathize. Thats not what i want..i just want a hug and someone to say "you're doing ok...you're doing the bets u can...u wont end up like ur mom and u will be able to survive this." thats another thing. My mom. no matter how many times i try to push myself to be nice to her and forget out past and the wicked things she did to me and my dad. She was never there for me and she prob never will be. some days she doesnt even want me to come over because she wnats to do her nails or sleep. She wants a guy to be with but wont go out at 8pm becasue she needs rest. I dont understand her at all. Thats why i push her away because she is selfish and im hoping by showing her how im hrt, she would start to relate to me better. But she doesnt care she is so self-contained that nothing hits her. I even tried writing her a letter/peom once. She laughed to my face. Yah thats why i dont try. also she will go off in the mall without me and then im stuck by myself but around other people she will prtend to be the motherly type and tell people I ran off without her. I hope i dont turn out like her i really dont want to but each day i see the characteristics that i've gained and it makes me want to puke. I cant believe i've lost all my morals and all my faith and now that i look back at my life, there was never any time where i was truly happy. When my parenst were together they either faked their happiness and when that got too hard, they'd fight around me--scream and yell..hit and throw things. I remember the day my dad came home with the groceries. he didnt get one thing..only one and she had a fit beyond comprehension. She threw food on the floor and poured the milk down the sink. I cried forever and told them to stop...i was invisable. SO i threw pillows at the wall and tried to rip them apart. I have so much deep-seeded aggression that just gets held inside me that when i do blow, its when its leasd expected..or i just get these pains all over and it's really hard and there are less and less people to talk to about it..its not like i told everyone about these things when they were around though so i guess it doesnt matter.
wow another day to go bad...now i just found out tyler is going to go out with some freshman on track named kate..i hope she's blond haired and blue eyed and has a perfect figure and ah omg i cant believe im letting this bother me...i broke up with him remember>? ok im alright. ha thats what all insane people say.

Current music: sr-71: good-bye

( Blow Out the Candles)

Sunday, April 6, 2003

8:52PM - Haunted by my abandoned dreams~Tiny voices where would be screams

I feel like i'm in iraq, waiting for the bomb to hit. When will it come? i know it's soon. Then i'll be hit. I'll end up being one of the unlucky ones. I'll get hit, but live through it. I'll live my life as a cripple, suffering agony everyday. Meanwhile, I'll wish that it would have killed me, less pain to deal with.

Current mood: sick
Current music: trembling-yellowcard

(2 Forgot my Birthday | Blow Out the Candles)

12:57AM - I always run away..the way i'm feeling loved, will only fade with time

I thought i could use another journal..at least i can use it for public viewing now and not just friends...this shall be fun..i guess.

Current mood: tired
Current music: losing streak-less than jake

( Blow Out the Candles)