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Sunday, June 22nd, 2003
4:01 pm - It's been a while...here are a few limericks
There once was a man named Nicolai
He could sing much better than I
He had mad skills
That could pay the bills
The only thing he couldn't do was fly.

I fell in love with a man named Nick
Who turned out to be a dick
I found out he lied
So all-night I cried
He's such a stupid prick.

There was a girl named Emily
Who wanted to love, apparently
She found out men were bad
Which made her terribly sad
Now she will be alone eternally

Once there was a man named Matt
Who could make me laugh right off the bat
He had a great smile
For him I'd walk a great mile
If only I could tell him that.

I once fell in love with a man
To whom I gave all that I can
He called me a slut
And I'm anything but
Loving an asshole wasn't part of the plan

There once was a man named Art
Who was incredibly smart
He sometimes feels sad
Because of troubles he's had
But he will forever be in my heart.

The once was a woman named Nicci
Who sometimes felt men were icky
She didn’t' have a man
It was part of her ultimate plan
That sometimes it pays to be picky.

I plan to one day find happiness
So I think there should be a business
One day you call
The next day you fall
And it all will end with bliss.

I watched a show about god
I found it rather odd
They ask for your money
But isn't it funny
They act like we're all hatched from a pod

I have a dog
That is scared of a frog
She'll pounce
It'll bounce
And she'll hide behind a log.

There once was a girl named Sue
Who couldn't help but feel blue
She wanted true love
Something sent from above
Oh why couldn't it be you?

I can't fall asleep
All I want to do is weep
My heart for you does bleed
Many cautions I didn't heed
And now no one will listen to a peep.

My heart of hearts is breaking
I gave him my love for the taking
He made me go blind
And my thoughts he did bind
For all of this time he was faking.

I fell in love with a dick
All he thought about was his prick
I found out he lied
And for that I cried
But why waste emotions on slick.

I feel so confused
So utterly used
So I will stay single
I won't even mingle
So that I can't be accused.

current mood: frustrated
current music: Yellow - Cold Play

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Friday, December 20th, 2002
10:54 pm - I am rather proud of myself today.
I didn't let my boss get on my nerves. I told off a few crappy customers. I didn't let snooty ignorant people upset me. I kept my head held high all day. Then when I got off of work I shopped around and finished all of my holiday shopping. I'm so proud!!! I bought my brother two Johnny The Homicidal Maniac comics and two Squee comics. I bought my man stuff too. But He'll probably read this, so I'm not saying what I bought him. I got my dad a gift certificate for a 30 minute deep tissue massage. I got my mom a $25 gift card for Yankee Candle Shope in the mall. She loves that store. I spent the most on my man. He better fucking like the stuff I got him!!!! hehe I know he will. If not, I get to keep all of it, 'cause I like it. I don't want to work tomorrow because I have to get up far too early. Bleh. Oh well. I'm sure I'll survive. On my break I'll probably just chain smoke so I can regain some strength. Groossss....but it works. Well I don't have a whole lot to say today, I just decided maybe I should use my journal daily. When I want to rant and rave about my day, this is the easiest way.

current mood: productive
current music: Clint Eastwood by The Gorillas

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Thursday, December 19th, 2002
11:35 pm - I'm so angry!!
I thought I worked at 4 tomorrow. I was going to get up early and get my check and chash it, so I could do Christmas shopping when I got off work at 8:30. But NOOO...I start work at noon. There is no way in hell I can get up early enough to get my check and cash it and be to work on time. *grumbles* I hate my job. I'd go on Saturday but conveniently I work the same hours the bank is open. I have to pray that somehow my boss will be kind enough (yeah fucking right) to let me leave early to cash my check. I know I'm going to get the speach about direct deposit. Even though I just got my bank account and my boss keeps putting off doing my paperwork for direct deposit. Have I ever said how much I hate her? If not, let me do it again. I HATE THAT WOMAN!!!!!! She's pure evil. Take next week for example. I am the ONLY one who doesn't have two days off. My only day off is Christmas day.

But, on a lighter note I saw Lord Of The Rings : The Two Towers, today. It was AWESOME. My friend was late meeting me at the theatre, but that's okay. At least he showed. The movie was just awesome. No other way to put it. I'm a huge dork though and I've read the books. So to me it was great. Everything tying in together. Let me say it again, it was great!! :D After the movie I came home and watched TV with my mom. Let's just say it wasn't very exciting. She fell asleep so I changed the channel, which of course is when she wakes up and says "Hey I was watching that". Jeeezzzz.....I would love to have my own place again. Somewhere to disappear from all of this madness I call my life. If I go into my room, if I'm alone, it seems like my mom waits about 10 minutes then calls me to see what I'm doing and if anything is wrong.

Sometimes I wonder about that woman. She was all supportive when I said I wanted to lose weight. Now that I've lost quite a bit of weight she gets all angry when I'm happy about losing 5 more pounds. She says I'm rubbing it in. Who do I tell if I can't tell her?! *sigh* I do believe she's gone insane. Does that happen when a woman reaches 40? That would explain my boss then. She is kinda loopy, and constantly forgets things. Then she'll yell at us for something that she did, but doesn't think that she did. But it also comes in handy. If she tells you not to do something and you accidently do it. You can always say "You didn't tell me" she always says "Oh, That must have been someone else, but yeah, don't do that". *grin* So that's evil. Oh well, she'll be gone to a different store soon and I won't have to deal with her. I count the days. Less than a month to go now. I'm pretty excited!!

Okay lets sum up my day:
1. My job sucks, I don't have time to cash a much needed check.
2. I HATE HATE HATE my boss.
3. LOTR: Two Towers ROCKS!!!
4. My mom is insane.
5. My boss sucks.
6. I had an overall good day.
7. Did I mention that my boss sucks?! Didn't think so.

current mood: indifferent
current music: My December by Linkin Park

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2:16 am - Yet another day of feeling lonely.
I don't know what it is, but it seems the closer the holidays get the more alone I feel. Work is fine. I like everyone except Karen, but she leaves soon. I hardly see my friends any more. When I do it's almost like I don't know them anymore. I never know what to say to them. I feel so much different than them. Like I'm from a different planet almost. I would give anything for a decent companion. Someone to laugh with, to have fun with. Someone I don't have to give myself to. And I don't just mean sexually. Someone I can share my thoughts with. Someone who will love me and care for me just the way I am. I don't want to have to change or act like someone else. I want to be able to cry and laugh and joke around. I wans someone who will always be there. Someone who is just a phone call away. I want someone to look at me and see.....me.
Not this fake front I put on. I don't like acting the way I do. I try to act normal I guess, but when I do people always ask "What's wrong?". Nothing's wrong, this is who I am. *sigh* I find it so hard to smile anymore. I feel like it's fading away. Like I'm not me anymore. This empty shell of who I used to be follows me around. It haunts me and taunts me. It reminds me of how I used to be. I used to be......

Happy.

current mood: sad
current music: Angel by Sarah McLachlan

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Tuesday, December 10th, 2002
7:15 pm - Jeez...it's been a while
I notice I tend to write in this, only when I have something to get off of my mind. I'm rather surprised that I haven't been writting in here more often lately. With the holidays coming I have an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I know I have friends and family, but I realize that this is the first holiday season that I will be alone. I know I have an SO, but I won't be able to be with him on Christmas, and I doubt New Years Eve is any better. As a matter of fact, I do believe I work. *sigh* Everysince I was 16 I've had someone in my life to spend the holidays with. This year will be different. I just feel so much different.

I remember standing by the window watching it snow and smiling. I love the season. I love the snow. But this year I watch it snow and feel an emptiness. I feel so alone. I feel like the life I once knew is gone and that it's never coming back. I just can't grasp the warm holiday feeling I was so used to getting every year. This year it's just not the same. Every Christmas song I hear tugs at my heart. Every time someone says "Have a happy holiday" I just want to cry.

I can't figure out how to tell my friends and family how I feel. I can't seem to form the words. I always feel like I'm telling them they aren't enough. I love each and every one of them. But somehow, they aren't enough. There is something missing. There is an emptiness inside that I can't seem to figure out how to fill. I feel like I'm trying too hard to cheer myself up. It's almost like I'm overkilling the feeling. Nothing is easing the pain.

To anyone who reads this, I wish you a happy holiday and I hope you are feeling the warmth more than I am. I hope everything in your life is wonderful. And I hope your holidays are very happy.

current mood: lonely
current music: Bother by Stone Sour

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Thursday, October 24th, 2002
1:00 pm - blah..
Well, so far today sucks.

I went to bed way too late, got up way to early, and had my mom yell at me right after I got up. I hate when that happens. Nothing like that to totally piss me off all day. I need lots of coffee, and lots of nicotine. Ick . I already know today is going to be a bad day.

On the brighter side, there's nothing like hearing the one you love's voice. Especially when you don't expect to. He means the world to me. Everytime I hear his voice I smile. I just wish I'd get the chance to see him this weekend. I thought about the situation, and if I was in his shoes; i'd just tell my parents I had to work this weekend and not go with them. But that's me. I'd do anything to see him. And what's one little white lie?

I dunno, I'm just one of those people who thinks if you don't want to do something, then don't do it. He doesn't want to go, then don't go. They shouldn't be able to make him go. Just my opinion.

current mood: cynical
current music: Darkness by Disturbed

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Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002
4:46 pm - Hello!!
I'm new here. Hello. :) I'm not even sure how to do this, so my first entry isn't going to be something to brag about. heh Oh well. I hope to not bore everyone with my dull life.

current mood: excited

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