|Subject:||hell is 'round the corner|
I'm posting an hour earlier than my usual 3 AM, but I guess my millions of faithful readers will just have to deal. I'm at a real loss for words. I'm petrified by the monumental task of studying for finals. I worry entirely too much, but studying for 7 exams (5 classes + 2 make-up exams), all to be taken over the course of 6 days, is intimidating. 2 of those exams are cumulative, which makes things even better. Meanwhile, I have my favorite Sam Phillips song stuck on repeat in my mind. Download it. Buy it. But whatever you do, listen to it.
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Sam Phillips "I Need Love"
i left my conscience like a crying child
locked the door behind me put the pain on file
broken like a window i see my blindness now
i need love
not some sentimental prison
i need god
not the political church
i need fire
to melt the frozen sea inside me
i need love
driving into town tired and depressed
like a flare the streetlight bursts into an s.o.s.
peace comes to my rescue i don't know what it means
i need love
Now I'm not quite sure how applicable the words are to me, but sometimes the music just speaks to me. I'll refrain from getting too, well, stupid about it. Nonetheless, it's a good song. The December holidays will soon be upon us. I'm greatly looking forward to the break from school, and now that I've finished with all but two of my major courses and upper-level electives, I have nothing but lower-level electives between me and graduation. So what exactly does that mean? Besides two sociology classes, next semester I'll be taking the following classes: human nutrition and food, U.S. schools and society, and educational psychology. Each of those classes has a grade distribution of at least 40% As... gravy. Well, I guess I'll end on a good note this morning.
peace and serenity
|Subject:||"At the edge of the world looking up"|
I may end up making a habit of these 3 AM posts, but I guess first I would need to make a habit of posting in the first place. Posting wouldn't be a problem if I felt I actually had something worthwhile to say. Granted, it hasn't stopped me before, but it'd be nice to say something poignant for a change. At least it's good practice in honing my rambling ability. Maybe one day I can turn my verbal indiscretions into real conversation.
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Fortunately, my $150 reappeared in my account. Apparently, checks enjoy taking their sweet ass time to post to my account. Unfortunately, however, it'll take a lot more than $150 to dig my credit card out of oblivion. I'm stopping by the Jefferson estate tomorrow to get my loan information. I honestly can't imagine trying to make it through the holidays without some financial assistance. I have enough to worry about without contending with money. Of course things aren't so bad. I'm making enough money to maintain my lifestyle after all, but with preexisting credit card debt, I'd be much better off paying off that account with loan money than trying to fight it back on my own. 13.9% APR vs. something like 2.5%... it doesn't take a CPA to figure out which is better.
Well, I'm off to fill my empty bed. I can't deny my loneliness tonight. I was going to see Kelly, but I was caught in the torrent of gameday traffic. I invited Amber to see a movie with me tomorrow, but alas, her family is visiting. And Natalie, well, I didn't hear from her tonight at all, and that's pretty rare as of late.
I guess those are enough musings for an early morning.
|Subject:||Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes. Turn and face the strange...|
|Music:||Sam Phillips. Why isn't this woman more popular? "I Need Love"|
Leave it to the cozy hour of 3 AM and the delirium of studying for an exam to evoke a desire to write. Unfortunately, I don't really have anything to say. It's been 5 months since my last entry, and I'm sure there are plenty of interesting stories to relate, but why would I want to do that? I'm a master of the inane. Leave it to real writers to write prose of substance.
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So where are we now? We are indeed broke, and perhaps the hole in my pocket is responsible for my funk tonight. It wasn't exactly uplifting to go by the ATM and find $150 evaporated from my checking account. I can finally say for the first time in years that I am broke, truly broke. No credit. No cash. Tomorrow's paycheck is already committed to car insurance. So I have unfortunately sought the solace of the student loan. I guess I've gotten over the wound to my pride. I wanted to graduate and say proudly that I financed my education through work, grants, and scholarships. Well, fuck all that. To whom do I have to prove myself anyway? Yes, we're rationalizing, but hey, it's better than guilt. So now I'm waiting for that financial panacea to cast aside my burden, but of course I'm counting the days until I have check in hand.
And despite the presence of several beautiful, intelligent women in my life, I feel, well, alone. Dating can only give so much comfort after all. I'm glad to have different dating opportunities each weekend, but it's not enough to keep me company during long weeknights. Perhaps if I didn't make these nights so long, I might be a little more chipper. I am, after all, at the hours during which emotion flows without restraint. I'm a lot happier in my life as a whole than I let on to be. It's certainly not perfect, but nothing tends to be in this world.
I feel I've been very civil and anything but arrogant, but I'm constantly criticized directly or indirectly, and I'm tired of it. I apologize if I have done anything offensive, but I'm terribly confused. I'm confused because you say you'd like to talk, but then you criticize me repeatedly in your journal, or you leave bitter notes. Why on earth would I want to talk to you after that? I have absolutely no ill will torward you, nor will I ever. I do not consider myself above you in any way. I have simply chosen not to talk to you for my own sake. It's not even about you. So forgive me for whatever I continue to do that offends you such that you have to retaliate.
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|Subject:||if only it were that easy|
I'm not sure what feelings exist as remnants of the past on either account, and I'm sure that what remains is platonic. However, I can't imagine risking it. I know she and I have come a long way, and it hasn't always been easy. I'm certain that we're evolving into higher states of ourselves and reaching our true potential as human beings. I know we both feel the urge to discuss it, to thank one another for our respective experiences perhaps, to acknowledge and have our progress acknowledged, but I'm certain it's not necessary, as I already know.
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I would say it's nothing personal, but that's not true. It's very personal, only in that she is the only individual on this earth with whom I cannot trust myself, even for a second. She doesn't do it on purpose, and it's not as though it is some kind of character flaw. There is no fault in it, but rather compliment. I simply don't want to slow my progress or hers. My world is far from perfect, and I have a lot of work ahead. Nonetheless, I cannot disturb the world I've attempted to create, because it's not especially stable right now.
I feel like I have finally reached a state of peace. I'm proud of that, even more proud that it was done utterly alone. I did not jump to another relationship or find comfort in someone else. As great as it feels, though, it requires a lot of concentration. Whatever she seeks from me, she already has, whether she knows it or not. Forgiveness for all acts in the past? She was forgiven long ago. Praise for her patience in dealing with me? Of course. Respect for her new progress? Absolutely. I have nothing but respect for her as an individual and a human being.
PEACE and SERENITY
Life is entirely too confusing sometimes. I know that I often end up with more questions than answers, and perhaps that is just the way of things. I've made a lot of progress with myself in the past few months, even the past few weeks. I, too, am doing my best to push forward, and I still think about the past daily.
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I've been listening to an insane amount of music lately, and I realize how I used to take it for granted. I've listened to certain songs for years and never bothered to really hear what they were saying, and then yesterday something told me to pay closer attention, and what I found were messages that offered some solace to my weary mind.
I wish I could say more about my current mental and emotional state, but I have absolutely no idea where to begin. So for now I will simply say that I am hopeful--confused, but hopeful.
I've come to the conclusion that communication, the commodity for which I have pained is not, after all, what I desire. Communication implies a second party---a receiver, an interpreter. Communication, though I enjoy it, is second to expression. Second party or no, the urge...no, the compulsion to express is what is vital. At least it is for me. The thoughts and ideas I encode and send into the world are themselves important and ends in themselves.
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I cannot hope to deny the joy I get from seeing a message received or an idea understood. Though I don't know what I fully believe yet, I do have an unyielding sense of solitude in the universe. Reason tells me that when all is said and done, I will be utterly alone. However, seeing someone understand my thoughts eases that loneliness. I'm able to forget it. No, of course it does not change the immense size of the world nor does it make us any less trivial, but it does give hope.
I have to maintain hope that ineffectual I can change things. To have a single generation of selfless individuals, those who can correct the mistakes of selfish generations past---that is what I desire. Of course that is an incredible contradiction. Why should I care about the legacy of mankind if I am alone in the universe? Why should I care if physical existence is all there is? I shouldn't, but I do.