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Behind The Sun

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Here Comes The Rain [04 Sep 2003|04:01pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

It has only been two weeks and I'm already tired of school. This exchange of education for sucess is somewhat confused. Whose to say that one person's knowledge is worth more. I don't understand how the name of a school automatically means you know more than a person that may have gone to a school with a name that does't have prestige.

Hurray, my first public post since May!

Nothing but the Color of Fake Pain [24 May 2003|06:15pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | A Hard Day's Night x The Beatles ]

Five days after deciding to go el natural, it hits: I'm dependent on medication and meditation. I'm starting to keep to myself again. I didn't sleep last night due to overwhelming feelings of self-hate and just pure sadness. I thought it would take longer to take a toll. At least inspiration will be easy to come across.

Keep it short.

Nice Suprise [22 May 2003|12:02pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | Mourning x Tantric ]


Frozen [19 May 2003|03:58pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | Hotel California x Eagles ]

There is a missunderstanding on whats sacred. Love, family, and friends are the most obvious answers. Love dies, families seperate, and friendship dwindles. We hold relationships with others and while we lie and put ourselves above them our naive minds believe those surrounding us are different. We fool ourselves to think they are loyal and we are their number one priority. I call you a friend, do I mean it? Most likely not. The only friend I have is my own mind and while it is also my enemy, without it I wouldn't be this paranoid, it's better than another human because at least I know what betrayals I am capable of. I can go to the mall with you and tell you what I'm feeling that doesn't mean I trust you because there is so much more I hide from you. I see you and call you fake because I'm fake and you can't even see my facade when its screaming to you. The world is closed off to all that is true because you are too focused on yourself to see I'm laughing at you. I won't lie and say I feel this way at all times. I'm made of two seperate people: one the optimist and one the sadist. Which one do you see? I know you criticize but that what you hate in me is what you don't see in yourself. Just keep in mind we hate the unfamiliar, but the truth stings more.

I'm reversing the process of meditation. I noticed my music was suffering. The instances in which I have knocked up medication & meditation I've written the crappiest music. I have decided to say fuck off to medication and stop meditating for artistic purposes. I will not take up drugs because an artist that needs drugs for perceptions is not an artist at all. I will strip myself of all blocks and I hope this does not end up fucking up my life. It's instances like these that I don't know what I'm doing. I like being happy, but I feel so unnatural and well I look back it doesn't seem like me.

I'm back to what I hate becuase when comes down to it I'm just complicating my own life. You know it is a sad day when the only person who understands you is Mike.

Put the Pieces Together [12 May 2003|08:18pm]
[ mood | jubilant ]
[ music | Smoke On the Water x Deep Purple ]

Songs like "Smoke On the Water" by Deep Purple can completely change you in a matter of seconds. You stay there blank waiting for the song to start and you are hit with the guitar, very melodic and it's automatically stuck in your head. Then comes the vocals so good you don't give a damn what he's saying but the way he's saying it. You're put in a trance, the genius mix of the guitar riffs with the vocalist's tone puts you in a state where you know you will never listen to music the same way. You're changed, because you know your fortunate to have listened to that song. You come out feeling lucky.

Went to the temple after a three week absence. My 8 am class was cancelled and so I went to meditate. It reminds of my first time to the temple and my petty comments against the statues in the Mahayana temple and now I return and I realize how un-buddhist of me that was. In a far lesser extreme I was acting like The Nation of Islam. How can I say I follow a religion when I completely go against its beliefs?

Speaker For the Dead by Orson Scott Card is one of my favorite books. I love how when they speak for the dead they expose both the good and the bad. I want to go out that way. However, whenever they have an Elvis special I always change the channel when they get to later years.

Running Away [08 May 2003|11:58am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]
[ music | Another One Bites the Dust x Queen ]

I need to stop running away from my problems. I cause them and I should be woman enough to confront them. I need the strength to do so, but instead I drown in fear. I hate my cynism and I hate punk sluts that think razorblades and sex solve everything while only putting themselves more at the center of a labyrinth.

Life is stupid and overrated, but can give beautiful things in return. We suffer because we fall in love with the wrong people and what do we do it for? Sometimes we fall in love with the right, but circumstances rip them away from us. It's hard to get over love and you never really do it stays in your heart and never leaves.

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