Sunday, October 19th, 2003

Subject: I talked to him 1st this time.... bravery?.... I think not. Time: 2:22 am. Mood: indescribable. Music: "Gorgeous" -Eighteen Visions.

LittleClover: hey LittleClover: when do you want your letter? Ska8er319: did you want to e-mail it? or give it to me? LittleClover: I'd rather give it to you in person, e-mail would be sort of meaningless Ska8er319: ok LittleClover: just say when and it's yours Ska8er319: im not sure Ska8er319: tomorrow maybe? LittleClover: if you aren't busy Ska8er319: i can make time LittleClover: well i kinda wanted to talk a little too Ska8er319: ok LittleClover: ok Ska8er319: you should call me tomorrow then LittleClover: i can do that Ska8er319: k LittleClover: :-\ Ska8er319: how are you feeling today? LittleClover: I'm ok Ska8er319: good LittleClover: how are you? Ska8er319: ive had better days LittleClover: me too LittleClover: i got my lip pierced... :-) Ska8er319: anything in peticulare ruin your day? Ska8er319: i knwo you did LittleClover: huh how? LittleClover: no not yet LittleClover: still waiting for that moment Ska8er319: i read your journal LittleClover: got it LittleClover: do you read it often then? Ska8er319: i hapend by it once LittleClover: i see Ska8er319: i dont even know how to get to it. so no worrys about me knowing your thoughts. i think i did enough of that. LittleClover: i don't care if you read it... it's nothing special Ska8er319: like i said i dont know how to get to it. and i seem to hav eknown your thoughts pretty good without a journal soo.... LittleClover: yah Ska8er319: sorry LittleClover: oh well Ska8er319: sorry if i worrie you or anything the other night. when we were tlakign about all my many faults Ska8er319: it wasnt like me to talk about those things anyway. LittleClover: i've been worried about you for... let's see... about a week now Ska8er319: sorry LittleClover: it's fine... don't worry about it Ska8er319: ive dealt withit all this long.. whats another couple of months or so... Ska8er319: out of curiosity. who all hates me now? i suppose its not important i was just curious LittleClover: i don't know Ska8er319: cus chris asked me about it. and nicole told him. so i figured if nicole knows carissa and katie have bound to have caught wind Ska8er319: well its not important what they thinks anyway i suppose LittleClover: yah they know, but it's not their problem, they don't have to deal with it Ska8er319: uh oh does your mom know? LittleClover: she knows somethings wrong but that's about it Ska8er319: got it. LittleClover: what'd chris say? Ska8er319: he just asked what happened. he wasnt real informed on it all. i just told him i snapped one night and went off for no reason what so ever. and scared the crap outa myself and hurt tara LittleClover: oh ...................LONG PAUSE...................................... LittleClover: well, i'm going to bed now Ska8er319: me to. LittleClover: i'll call you tomorrow or something like that LittleClover: night babe Ska8er319: ill talk to you tomorrow night;-) LittleClover: ok LittleClover:bye I miss him.... :( "I didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me, and now you want to ask me why"

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Subject: I'm pierced... Time: 11:46 am. Mood: chipper. Music: "Unstable" -Adema.... They are GREEEAT!.

I got my lip pierced!!!! It's huge! my lip and the ring!!! But the swelling will go down soon. And my rimg will be down sized in 6 weeks.... TOO LONG! But I will be patient if I have to.... And I do. So I went and saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre... Yah ummmmm, it sucked! I didn't like it. I didn't even think it was scary! And I'm a baby when it comes to scary movies... Hmmm, you know what that means? That means.... IT SUCKED! hahha. I couldn't restist. ;) Anyway, I'm in a good mood today.... YAY me! I just hope something stupid doesn't ruin it. So far all I've done is listen to Fall Out Boy and eat pizza! Exciting you say? Mmmmm, not really, but it's ok. I think I will call Katie soon. She should be out of school pretty damn quick.... I kinda wanna go see Blue Turns White and Dear Whoever @ the meow meow tonight... But I dunno. I have no $$. And what I do have is for Syx, Thrice and SoCo...Hmmm. Anyway, I'm out. Gotta take a shower so I don't look as lazy as I feel. At least I'll be a cute lazy kid right?! Right! And if you read my journal you better start leaving me notes damn it... They make me happy, and you wouldn't want me to cry now would you??

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Subject: "So I sat alone and waited out the night" Time: 10:30 pm. Mood: frustrated. Music: "Guernica" -Brand New.

I had a shitty day at work!!! We got a new kitchen supervisor and she make the plates hot and then we have to carry them out to the old folk... anyway, they were WAY too hot and I burnt my hand on one, and my mom and my resident manager were walking by and I told them what happened and they came in and talked to her. She says, 'they aren't that hot, I can pick them up with my bare hands.' I wanted to tell ther to do it herself then! I was so mad. And then after that she called me prissy!... Umm, try again bitch! If you know me I am NOT prissy! I may look the part, but I don't do prissy. So later that afternoon she corners me and says the plates weren't that hot and blah, blah, blah, it's nothing personal. So I got in her face and said... 'Well just so you know, for future refrence, I'm Not prissy.' YAY ME! I stood up for myself!!! She thought I didn't know what she said. But I called er on her shit! Stupid bitch! ahhhh, I hate her! Anyway, on a new subject.... I got paid today! $300! <- Yah that's right! $300 more than you have biotch! But i had to give a 100 to my mom for my cell phone bill. I put some in my bank account. I spent 50 on make up and a new pillow and now i am left with 107! At the rate I'm going I'll be broke by next Wed.... I have to buy 3 concert tickets and get my lip pierced and then I'm done I swear.... 'Til next payday anyway! ;) Wade was online... we didn't talk... but I had hoped we would. If he wants to talk he will... I can't make him.

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Subject: he's tragic in every way possible Time: 1:39 am. Mood: shocked. Music: "Hands Down" -Dashboard Confessional.

Ska8er319: do we hate me? LittleClover: not really Ska8er319: ok LittleClover: do you hate me? Ska8er319: nope LittleClover: k Ska8er319: im not sur ethat i know what happened to me yesterday. LittleClover: i think i wrote you the longest letter in the universe Ska8er319: can i read it? LittleClover: someday when i have the courage to face you Ska8er319: how much courage are we talking here? LittleClover: courage enough to stand face to face with you and not cry Ska8er319: got it LittleClover: or at least keep my hands to myself.... something i could never do with you Ska8er319: i know LittleClover: i want you to know you ruined my plans yesterday.... i was going to tell you everything i ever wanted to say... but you got to me first Ska8er319: tell me now. im sure youd liek to get it all of your chest as i did LittleClover: why? what would it matter now? LittleClover: nothing i do or say will can make you change your mind about how you feel.... i lost you wade... and you proved that to me yesterday Ska8er319: the reason behind you ever wanting to tell me in the first place so you didnt have to hide it anylonger. your still hiding it if you dont say it. and even if your feelings have changed theres still something left unsaid. LittleClover: they haven't changed... i'm still head over heels in love with you LittleClover: but like i said, i can't change your mind LittleClover: i wish i could, but i can't Ska8er319: you can do better than me. LittleClover: i don't want better than you Ska8er319: im not a good person LittleClover: why would you say that? Ska8er319: cus im not. LittleClover: i don't believe you Ska8er319: theres to many things wrong with me to ever try to conquer LittleClover: .... what made you talk to me? Ska8er319: i dont know. Ska8er319: i really dont. soemthing came over me and i went off. Ska8er319: i didnt sleep that whole night LittleClover: neither did i LittleClover: so what made you talk to me just now? Ska8er319: i was like in a rage though. literally going nuts Ska8er319: acceptance. LittleClover: acceptance of what? Ska8er319: myself i suppose LittleClover: i'll brb Ska8er319: ya LittleClover: back Ska8er319: k Ska8er319: .... LittleClover: i'm at a loss for words Ska8er319: sometimes i can be incredibly cruel. i seem to have a nack for hurting people in very deep ways. if i had an explenation for it id probably change my ways. but i dont. i cant explain my actions that day. Ska8er319: what i did seemed justified for the time. Ska8er319: you never did anything to deserve it LittleClover: except not tell you Ska8er319: not like that. everyone makes mistakes. Ska8er319: not tell me? LittleClover: Ska8er319: and i love you. Ska8er319: i really do. ..... did you mean it? Ska8er319: i think soo. i dont know. Ska8er319: all i can say is im lost LittleClover: then don't say it, if you have to question it LittleClover: i know LittleClover: Ska8er319: ive known all along how youve felt. all i wanted was for you to tell me....... is that true?' Ska8er319: i knew. and i woudl have liked you to tell me. Ska8er319: i feel sick. not physically. i dotn knwo how to explain it. its been there for a while. theres something that wants to get out. i dontknwo what it is. it tears me apart. im afraid of what i might do next or who i might hurt. Ska8er319: id end it all but thats weak. and i hate the thought of not dealing wiht issues and being weak. its a constant battle Ska8er319: you knwo what my wish has been for as long ad i can remember? LittleClover: tell me Ska8er319: to die. for something horrific to happen to me. to fall ill and never recover. for some accident. anything to stop it all. anything to keep me form doing it myself. i can hardly face myself now. if i did it myself id be everything i hate. LittleClover: please don't Ska8er319: i dont think i can Ska8er319: do it. Ska8er319: id rather suffer. bu ti only suffer because i make myself. i dotn knwo what i need. LittleClover: i wish i could help you LittleClover: i do LittleClover: but i don't know how Ska8er319: all aspects of my life only provide distractions LittleClover: i want more than anything for everything to be ok, that i had said what i wanted to a million times over again just so you knew Ska8er319: never have resentment LittleClover: but look where we are now Ska8er319: its my fault..... Ska8er319: im sorry. i have to go.. LittleClover: no LittleClover: please don't LittleClover: please Ska8er319: yes. ive hurt you and for no reason. now you feel bad as if you had soem way of preventing it. i let you fall in love with me. LittleClover: and i'm still in love with you LittleClover: i will be for a long time Ska8er319: im sorry for that. LittleClover: don't be Ska8er319: take this chance to put me in the past. LittleClover: i don't want you in the past, don't you understand that? LittleClover: i don't want to lose you completly Ska8er319: i can be anything i want, anyone i want. any personality. ive nearly convinced everyone im something i am not. Ska8er319: you were and angel and you wanted to belive in me. i hurt you. for no reason. LittleClover: all i want is for yuo to take me in your arms and tell me everything will be ok again LittleClover: you* Ska8er319: im not ok though. and i cant pretend as though i am. LittleClover: wade... LittleClover: i love you. don't forget that. LittleClover: you can apologize a million times over and tell me you don't deserve it whatever you want.... LittleClover: but i do LittleClover: and i will LittleClover: and if you need me LittleClover: i'm here LittleClover: all you have to do is call Ska8er319: ok... but im not good for anyone. i need to fin out myself. the person you love may not be who i am. i dont know. ive got to go now. LittleClover: me too Ska8er319: goodbye LittleClover: bye... i love you this makes me feel a little better about what happened. but it still hurts. and yes, i do still love him. don't question me. i have my reasons.

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Subject: .my theme song. Time: 10:24 pm. Mood: depressed. Music: "Space" -Something Corporate.

I have decided this is my theme song for the moment... "Your stories, My alibis" -Matchbook Romance Speak to me Tell me something so typical A lullaby or something miserable That it will keep me up at night Cross out my eyes I know you planned it You know I love you and I can't stand it We just lost control Lie to me Give me something worth living for Tell me a reason worth fighting for Give me anything Anything to keep me breathing Lie to me Give me something worth living for Tell me a reason worth fighting for Give me anything Anything to keep me breathing Lie to me Tell me stories so beautiful Am epic or something so terrible That it makes me weep Cross out these days on your calendar It hurts me so much And I'm not quite sure I care anymore... That's about the whole song... Anyway... Yeaterday was the WORST day of my life!!! Thanks very much the biggest asshole I have EVER wasted my time on... Wade McGilvra!!! Today was a whole hell of a lot better!!! I went and played downtown with Katie! We went to a stripper store!!! Hahaha... It was odd, but she liked it. We met Carissa down at Roccos after she got out of school. She ate our pizza and then we had wild conversations with strangers on the max about french people. It was fun. I dyed my hair last night to make me feel better about myself. I'm going to get my lip pierced too. In the middle... It'll be hot! And then everyone will want to make out with me! Right?!? Hmmm... Probably not but it was a good thought while it lasted! I'm outta here, I still feel worthless and I think I'm getting sick on top of that. This really suck! "Autumn's not the same without you" -Acceptance

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Subject: I'm secretly emo.... shhhh Time: 10:15 am. Mood: sick. Music: "buddy holly" -weezer.

You are an Official Emo-Kid! Congratulations! Would you like a tissue? Sniff..Sniff? >>Your True Music Image<<(punkrocker? thug? diva-licious,emo-kid,Metal head,indie rocker?) brought to you by Quizilla

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Subject: MY heart will eat you alive Time: 9:44 pm.

Your Heart is Black What Color is Your Heart? brought to you by Quizilla This is VERY true... gee.... who could this be talking about?! I'll give you 3 guesses! :/

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Subject: WORK SUCkS ASS AND MY MOM IS MY HERO! Time: 9:20 pm. Mood: drained. Music: "Bouncing off the walls" -Sugarcult.

Today I had to work a double shift! (GAY!) And I was there from 7am until 8:30pm... Who does that?! Tomorrow I have to work for Clint!!! GOD I HATE THAT KID! All the nerdy little bitch does is call in and he only works once a week! STUPID LITTLE FUCK! Anyway.... My mom kicks LOTS and LOTS of ass! She got my dad's whore's e-mail address and told her to pass on a little message!!!! MY MOMS A FUCKIN NINJA!!! Obviously I hate my sperm donor I'm supposed to call dad.... But withh good reason! He's the white trash of Yakima Washington! (Trust me I've seen pictures!) He hasn't called in 3 years... Well at least until my 18th birthday this year!!! What a loser.. Well I'm outta here! I'm tired as hell and my keyboard sucks nuts!!!

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Subject: I am winter... OH YAH! Time: 12:08 pm. Mood: hot. Music: "Boys of summer" -Ataris.

c You're Most Like The Season Winter ... You're often depicted as the cold, distant season. But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and Independant. You have an air of power around you - and that can sometimes scare people off. You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you rarely let people in if you can help it. You can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be negative, and hard to relate to, but you give off a relaxed image despite being insecure - and secretly many people long to be like you, not knowing how deep the Winter season really is. Well done... You're the most inspirational of seasons :) ?? Which Season Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla This means i RULE you!

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Subject: .shattered and broken. Time: 12:19 pm. Mood: devious. Music: "When Kelly cries" -The Movielife.

Today might suck... First thing when I woke up this morning I checked my mail. And what did I find?!? Stefanie from DTR sent an e-mail out that says...'The Movie-Life has broken up!' :( That's sad! They were so good too! And they just released a new cd. But in good news... Senses Fail is going on tour again!!! SCORE! I had so much fun on their bus with Allister! Those boys are so rad! The Drive Thru DVD will be out Nov. 25th along with The Starting Line's accoustic cd... Christmas presents for Tara! (Hopefully!) I'm going to hang out with Katie today. We might call Dave from SYX!!! HE's so cute! XOXO- Tara

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Subject: Dancin' Fools..... Time: 10:58 pm. Mood: sad. Music: "Konstantine" -Something Corporate.

Katie rocks at DDR... I on the other hand... SUCK! It's ok though. Not a big deal. I just look a little retarded playing that's all. Carrera sent me a pic of her and myself fromt the SYX show about a week ago... It's oh so very cute! I miss her. She's so rad! I miss everyone lately. It's sad. But what can you do? Right!? I didn't hang out with Jason like planned. He was at the hospital with his grandpa. :( How sad! First his mom and now his grandpa is in the hospital! :( I talked to Jorah tonight. He kinda makes me sad. XOXO- Tara

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Subject: mon cher ami Time: 2:26 pm. Mood: geeky. Music: "Accident Sex" -Vendetta Red.

i finally have a journal!!! Enough with that writing it on paper crap... So today I am going to hang out with my friends Carissa and Jason... Jason's mom recently died on sept. 20th because of cancer... Jason is the sweetest guy I have EVER met! He told me he's going to hold my hand today! *swoon* Well I'm off to go hold hands with Jason! :) XOXO- Tara

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