Tuesday, December 9th, 2003

Subject: *******ATTENTION****** Time: 10:34 pm. Mood: bitchy. Music: "The I still HATE Nicole song" -Tara.

I am abandoning my Blurty journal. I have switched over to Live Journal. (courtesy of HayKay) So, Leave me messages there now you crazy jerks! www.livejournal.com/users/hollowautumn Oh... and one more thing! I FUCKING HATE NICOLE! And do not call me a groupie EVER again!!! "*Groupie: A female who travels with or follows a band on the road without being a girlfriend or prospective girlfriend and provides “services” for the band. *Scene Slut or Band Slut: A female who regularly attends local shows, providing “services” to the band or bands who happen to be in town. This girl doesn’t usually leave her hometown except for the occasional road trip. *Real Fan: A person who supports their band no matter what. This person is not trying to meet or hang out with the band in order to “up their status”. It is all about the music and the people. Not about how the band member/s look. Now, there are times where a Real Fan hooks up with the band member. Does this all of sudden make them a Groupie or a Scene Slut? NO! " (sorry Linds... I stole it! ;) but only to prove a point.) NOW... Nicole.... You wanna try again bitch! AND I don't smile at people I don't like. For example: Brad! I dislike Brad very much so, and if he wants to talk shit with you because you are both pathetic, that's cool. Just know the facts before you say something that's not true.

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Subject: And one more thing and this WILL be the last time I will ever speak of her.... Time: 10:52 pm. Mood: irate. Music: "The I still HATE Nicole song" -Tara.

"The only reason I said what I did on Tara's diary was because I couldn't say it to you. I knew you didn't want to hear it so I respected that and went to someone I thought was my friend with my emotions. As a friend I thought she could talk to me and help me see that I was being irrational, but she only betrayed me. She knew that would hurt you and upset you to read it so why'd she let you? I guess I don't know that she let you, you could have found it on your own, but... I just needed to tell someone what I was feeling and it backfired. I'm over the stupid thing already." I took this out of an e-mail she sent Katie... Don't FUCKING talk about me because if you don't tell me, someone else WILL! There is NOTHING that Katie and I don't talk about... Therefore, do not address me in the e-mail you send to her unless you plan to send them to me too! I know you will read this and if are so over it... QUIT your bitching and move on.

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Subject: Oh my GOD!!!!!!!! Time: 10:42 pm. Mood: aggravated. Music: "The I HATE Nicole song" -Tara.

I can't stand Nicole!!!!!!.... "I thought I wanted to be friends with Tara... Weird... I'm not mad at her she's mad at me... This is so strange! I'm glad she likes to think that her and Katie are all that's important in my life, but it's not true. I'm not gonna stop writing about them because she doesn't like it. This is my place to talka bout how I feel and if how I feel about them is taking over my life then that's just how it is. I didn't screw up at all. I did nothing wrong. *Sigh* maybe it is better off without them... Maybe I can find other friends, but I doubt it. Gah... I'm so upset right now! I just want to scream!!!!!!!!! Screw it, I've been trying to get a hold of Katie to make things better, but I'm done! She hasn't tried to talk to me and all Tara does it bitch about me bitching. My parents keep saying they will get over it, but it's obvious they won't. I didn't do anything! I think I'm gonna be sick now. All I want to do is crawl into my bed and sleep until everything is over. Jared wants to break up and the best part of my day has been Scott calling me. My life is pointless and meaningless. I am worthless and pathetic... I need to lock this diary so no one can hate me for my thoughts. I need to find some real people. I need to stop all of this... I want to go take another long shower and drown myself in tears then I will take their pictures down and listen to Dashboard. The two of them are destroying me without meaning to. I am on the verge of hating them, but I know I never could because of all the good they've done for me." What the hell? I've asked her a million and a 1/2 times to STOP TALKING ABOUT ME AND DOES SHE? NO! Because she has no life and nothing better to talk about! AHHHH! I just want to hit her in the head right now! Maybe that will knock some sense into her and make her realize she IS pathetic and she needs a new FUCKING TOPIC!!!

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Subject: so lately.... Time: 6:53 pm. Mood: nostalgic. Music: PENNYLANE!.. Don't know what song though!.

.let's.get.drunk.you.can.drive.us.to.the.harbor.wish.upon.a.star.but.do.you.know.what.stars.are. Ok, so I haven't written in this stupid thing forever. I have decided that online journals/diaries are stupid and pointless. Yes you can talk about what bothers you or whatever but... Lately all it does is seem to get people in trouble who can't keep their mouth shut. And yes, I will name names... Nicole. And while we are on the topic of her, all she does, even though she claims not to, is talk about Katie, Ben and myself because she has nothing better to do. She wants to be friends with Katies again, but not me because I was mean to her. That's fine. I'm not the one who put her where she is. She did that herself. If she wants to complain about shit that doesn't involve her, that's cool, but when it clearly upsets the person that she's talking about, you think she'd have enough respect to quit. It's kinda sad that ALL her stupid little entrees whine about Katie. GET OVER IT!!!! You screwed up... Enough about that... meaningless subject anyway.... Today Katie and I got Bento and watched foreign films at her house. (We drove around in the snow!!!! Katie did good, it was her first time!) Usually I hate foreign films and I fall asleep because I don't like to read the subtitles, I'd rather just watch the actors and not the sentences at the bottom of the screen. But once you get the concept of the movie and can actually watchit without reading the whole time, it was good. I liked it anyhow. It's called 'The Eye'. It's all in Cantonese and Thai. WATCH IT!!! It will scare the crap out of you! Right now I'm in a really weird mood. I'm nice to certain people but others I'm sarcastically mean.... I think I might be playing favorites right now. I haven't found anyone I want to be mean to yet, but I can think of a few. Last night I went and played pool with Katie, Ben and Rick. It was kinda fun. Although I don't like pool much because I suck at it. Ben and I went to the MusicBox thing they had and we picked a bunch of crazy ass songs... we played: Thrice, Adema, TaTu, Skid Row, Guns n Roses and Yellowcard. It was great fun. Ben told me that the drummer of his band likes me... HOT! Ben called him and told him I liked him and all that great stuff. I think we should make out! He agrees, so we'll see! He's the most amazingly shy boy ever. *swoon* We went to their shows all last weekend... They played one with PennyLane and Lane was hunting down Brian to tell him I liked him! I heart Lane, he's so fun! GO GET 'EM LINDSAY!!!! Tonight, I am doing nothing so far. I straightened my hair, put on a little make up so I at least look kinda cute, talked a little to Wade, who is now back from Vegas or wherever he said he was going, and now I'm at Katies. Carissa has requested to hang out, but I dunno. There isn't really anything to do when your low on cash. Maybe if I'm lucky we'll got see Brian! :) He has a FREE show tomorrow at Ozone records at 6. PennyLane will be there. I highly suggest everyone go! It's Free, how can you pass that up?!? Well I'm outta here... Leave messages... Good ones too!

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Subject: waiting is boring.... Time: 8:05 pm. Mood: hyper. Music: "my love is like WOAH!" -Mya.

So, yah, we went shopping, it was fun. All Carissa and I did was sit in the Queen chairs and talk about tattoos and boys. We haven't really had a talk like that in a long time. It was good... Hahaha, Guess what we did!! We called that stupid TBS phone thing. Hahaha. It was entertaining. WE left some stupid ass message about how they are pretty rad and then the loud speaker at the furniture store went off so I told them we were furniture shopping. Hahaha. How lame. But it was so entertaing!....... Anyway, I could be at Yellowcard and Fallout Boy right now having a grand time. But no, where am I? AT MY HOUSE! This sucks because they are both really great bands! Not like I haven't seen them before, but still. I'm bitter. And I'm annoyed because Matt will not stop calling me and texting me. He's either, not to sound conceited or anything, but.. He's either REALLY obsessed or he's just a psycho. I can't stand the kid and he doesn't get it. So tonight I told him he's an effing moron and we're not friends, we never were friends, and we'll never be friends. But apparently he didn't get the memo because he just text me again right now this very second! What do I have to do to the kid to make him realize that I wish he was invisible! AHHHHHHHH! Someone make him go the hell away. I'm gonna lie to him and tell him I have a bf and make Ben or someone tell him to eff off! Maybe that will work. ahajgrgj.... I hate him! New subject... Kaite doesn't get off work until 11! It's like 8 or something now and I plan to make this the longest post EVER! So I guess Carissa doesn't like Brian. Katie was wrong! Hahaha He has to be the nicest boy ever though! It was fuuny, in the car on the way tothe furniture place we were telling her mom about all the guys in the band and Carissa says,"Tara gets all the guys whenever we go anywhere". THAT IS SO NOT TRUE! Nope, I disagree. I do not! That's usually Katie!!!! KATIE KATIE KATIE! Not Tara, KATIE! Bah! Speaking of boys, I stole Ben's hat! But he stole my pants so I guess we're even. Yep, you read it right, MY PANTS. He decided girl Dickies are much better than boy Dickies. Silly Ben! But I love him so. Even though Nicole is bitter about the whole Katie and Ben friends again thing, I think it was kind of good of him to talk to her again. She was miserable without him. But now she's back to happy Katie again. But sometimes I wish that she didn't get so jealous when other girls talk to him or hit on him. I meam yah he's hot and I hit on him all the time. But I guess it's just the way that she is. Don't get me wrong, I love them both and I'm happy that they are friends again. But sometimes I have mixed feelings about it...Anyway, I'm outta here. I've wasted a long time on the net. So I'm gonna go talk to my mom. Maybe I'll have another crazy ass story from her. She already invented aquatic horse riding! How can you get that out of 'quarters by friday'? Silly mommy, I maybe back later. Hahaha!

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Subject: Tell.me.what.is.this.thing.that.I.feel like.I'm.missing.and.why.can't.I.let.i.go. Time: 11:13 am. Mood: flirty. Music: "Penny and Me" -Hanson...yep, once again, HANSON haha.

So today is kinda blah... But I am home by myself. :( My borther made me pancakes and then left to go to my gramma's. Anyway, on Sunday Katie and myself went with Ben to his band practice. (he's in A Message For Andersin) It was fun, but we didn't rally get to see them play because their other guitarist Cameron couldn't go. So they tried and decided they needed him to pull things together. After about an hour of just messin around they decided to call off practice. And Rick and Daniel told us we had to come back the next day so we could actually see them play. (we had never heard them before) It was cute, they even said please. So we went back last night as requested and had lotsa fun. Carissa went with us too! There was so many people crammed in this little room in the basement of their house. There was Daniel, Ben, Rick, Brian, Cameron, Mike, Katie, Carissa, Me, Some girl and 3 drunk guys. And this roo is serously like the size of my living room. Plus they had all their equipment in it. But it was fun. Katie decided we are gonna be the cute band girl who bring them cookies and all that cute stuff. Awwwww! That will be cute. After we left Ben says,"which on does everyone have a crush on!?" I hate it when he does that! But Katie, being the genius that she is, guessed and of course she was right! JERK! Katie has a crush on Rick the geeky little keyboardist! He's so damn adorable and random. It's hilarious! Carissa likes Brian AND Daniel... And I have a mondo crush on Daniel! Stupid boys being all hot and talented! BAH! Anyway, I'm gonna go get beautified. I'm hangin out with Katie today.

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Subject: .r.e.m.e.m.b.e.r. Time: 11:18 pm. Mood: sad. Music: "Capricorn" -30 Seconds to Mars.

.Even.Paper.Dolls.get.Paper.Cuts.

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Subject: but as for me i wish that i was anywhere with anyone making out... Time: 10:26 pm. Mood: depressed. Music: "Pretty girl" -Sugarcult.

Ok, here's the part where I bitch about everything. Like it or not it just might be about YOU! If my cousins damn friends don't stop harassing me I think I might severely hurt them!!! I hate most of them and they just can't seem to get the hint. If you call me 3 times in a row and I don't answer, there's a reason. And it might be that I think you are slightly pathetic and I want nothing to with you. I hate winter. I hate the cold. I hate people who don't call when they say they will. I hate feeling sad all the time. I hate you if I can't have you. I hate you if you hurt me. I HATE christmas. I hate the wind in the winter. I hate snow. I hate fog. I hate forgetting things. I hate getting peoples nasty sweat on me at shows. I hate that I hate everyone in my phonebook. I hate that I'm so pesimistic. I hate being optomistic. I hate compliments.(I never know what to do) I hate not knowing what I REALLY want to go to college for. I hate not driving. I think I hate you. I hate Beyonce. I hate cheaters. I hate most everything about me. I hate being afraid of things. I hate not being able to talk about things. I hate how I shut everyone out all the time. I hate not getting what I want. I hate whan homeless people ask for money. I hate my job. I hate my city. I hate everyone in my city. I hate that everyone's away at school. I hate that I envy you. I hate that you will never understand why I hate these things. Yep, pretty sure I hate everything and everyone. Don't act like you don't deserve it. Most of you do. And if you don't, someday you will. Pretty girl is suffering While he confesses everything, Pretty soon she'll figure out, What his intentions were about, And that's what you get for falling again, You can nver get him out of your head, That's what you get for falling again, You can never get him out of your head, It's the way that he makes you feel, It's the way that he kisses you, It's that way that he makes you fall in love, She's beautiful as usual, With bruises on her ego and, Her killer instinct tells her to, Be aware of evil men, That's what you get for falling again, You can never get him out of your head, That's what you get for falling again, You can never get him out of your head, It's the way that he make you feel, It's the way that he kisses you, It's the way that he makes you fall in love, It's the way that he makes you feel, It's the way that he kisses you, It's the way that he makes you fall in love, Pretty girl, Pretty girl, Pretty girl is suffering, While he confesses everything, Pretty soon she'll figure out, You can never get him out of your head, It's the way that he makes you cry, It's the way that he's in your mind, It's the way that he makes you fall in love, It's they way the way that he makes you feel, It's the way kisses you, It's the way that he makes you fall in love...

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Subject: Give me space so you can drown in this with me... Time: 4:41 pm. Mood: bitchy. Music: your so crazy -used.

Today was a rather semi-eventful day at work. I'm getting along better with Patty. And Lida and Patty had a couple of fights today! It was so funny... Lida can't comprehend the fact that Patty is taking over and that Patty and I are getting along so Lida says that everything that she does wrong is my fault! DAMN RETARD! Anyway, we had a meeting and all that junk. Wasn't that great. But anyway, I don't wannaa talk about work. I just left there and I don't have to go back until 7am tomorrow... So yesterday I went to school woth Carissa to be her 'subject' for her groups lighting pictures they had to take. (They just wanted to look at me cuz I'm cute! lol) I think I'm permanently blind from all those crazy lights they shined in my face! Later that night I read a comment on my blurty that says to call nicole... so I did. Turns out Katie thinks I'm mad at her. I'm NOT mad at her. Geez! Just because I don't call 24/7 and we don't hang out like we sed o DOESN'T mean I'm mad. We both just have different stuff going on right now. That makes me so frustrated sometimes.... Ok now I'm bitter.

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Subject: I just came by to kill you... nobody was home... Time: 1:23 pm. Mood: giggly. Music: "There's gotta be more" -Stacie Orrico.

This weekend was great, grand and glorious!!! Saturday night Carissa and I went to the Something Corporate show. It was great fun. At first it was kinda of weird because we were the only 2 there and then we saw Ruby and Lisa. So then there were 4. Later we lost Ruby and Lisa and met some crazy drunk girl. She was funny though. Then the 2 greatest girls in the world showed up! BONI AND LINDSAY!!! We watched Mae and then they disappeared into the crowd. Carissa and I went downstair and sat and chatted while Rx played. (not a big fan) But then... After that garbage we went back up stairs to only find little Kiki at the merch stand! So we hung around with her for a bit and watched SoCo. It was wonderful!... However I did see Jorah with his new girlfriend. I was a little bitter, but what can I say. I'm just a jealous person anyway. But oh well. After the show Boni, Lindsay and everyone and their mom went out by the buses. We talked with Brian, Will, Clutch (inside the venue earlier, he showed his his hips... HOT!) and Andrew. It was good fun. The pics turned out great! Brian and I should be friends. We look so cute standing next to eachother... *swoon* On Sunday Carissa, Katie, Nicole and myself went to the women's fair. It was cool. We got lotsa free junk that we'll never in our lives use. But I bought a book. It's called Making Faces by Kevyn Aucoin. He was an AMAZING make up artist who died earlier this year due to some health complications. But he was a magician. He could take a total plain jane and make her look completly glam. Yea, uh, that's my book. Anyway, we went to the lloyd center to get a disposable camera for Carissa and I ended up buying t-shirts. Hehehe, I couldn't resist. That's what happens when I got to the mall... I go nuts and spend all my $$! Bad! So after my mini shopping spree we went BACK to the the womens fair and met... now don't laugh....but... CARTER from trading spaces. He's a carpenter. And he's ohso very dreamy! He was cool, we got our pic w/ him, talked for a few and then went home. Now I'm home cleaning my dang house. Bad!

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Subject: sooo... Time: 7:36 pm. Mood: accomplished. Music: "Devil in Jersey" -Coheed and Cambria.

So Thrice was AWESOME!!! I was in awe thier entire set!!! But I almost didn'r get to see them... Katie and I were retarded and didn't buy tickets for the show earlier so we went in hopes of buying some @ TicketsWest and they were sold out! So we hoped that their would be scalpers and all theat fun stuff. Well, turns out there were 150 people looking for tickets too. (Jerks!) But we met this guy named Craig, he asked us for tickets and of course we didn't have any. We told him if he finds dome to come get us... And he did! Turns out they were selling tickets inside! We cut in line to get inside and we cut in line to buy tickets. Katie and I got the last 2! BECAUSE WE CUT IN LINE!!!.... Moral of the story... If you are dumb and don't buy tickets and you can't find any, cut in line and you'll get some! So after the show we were walking to the car and this guy trys to start talking to us and I was on my cell phone and apparently the only one who had enough balls to talk nack to him so i said, 'What do you want?'... Yah I wa mean to the cute stranger boy... So I apologized and we talked for a while got his digits (his names Mike) and he is getting us into rufio for FREE! Free things are good! However I would much rather go see Something Corporate for $20 because they me swoon. So I don't think I will take hin up on his offer. Although he was pretty dang hot!... Saturday I slammed Ben's finger in the van door! It was his mic hand too! Muahahahahah!(Evil laugh) If that what it takes to get him to pay attetion to me I'd do it again damn it!... I felt really bad though! It was an accident that turned out good! He's so adorable! But he claims that I 'owe' him! I owe him nothing.... but his other hand IS jealous!... maybe we should give that one a round in the van door! Hahaha.... Boni was proud and that's all that matters! I luuuuv her! She's silly! Well, I'm outta here, That 70's show is gonna be on soon and then... THE OC!!! How exciting! "You're just as weak as I thought you were"...

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Subject: He'll devour her heart then haunt her... Time: 8:01 pm. Mood: blah. Music: "I'll eat you alive" -Limp Bizkit.

So this weekend was slightly boring... I went to my cousins new apartment. It was Ok except for the fact that all she wanted to do was go to the porn shop and talk about the guys she's had sex with... I was so grossed out! And she kept trying to hook me up with her friends... EW! They hit on ,e all the time and tell me how 'beautiful' they think I am. Blah! Creepy freaks! But the friends that I do like of hers I would never in my life date.... Probably because they aren't my style and because she's had sex with most of them... ok enough about that or I think I will vomit... Carissa and I went looking for apartments today! It was fun. We found a bunch in downtown Portland that we like and a few by the town center. My mom got that poetry for the fridge... It's so cool! She wrote 'Turquoise lust in a world drunk with heartache and beauty'. I like it. But I'm outta here... Going to hang with Katie. We are going to THRICE tomorrow!!! YAY us!

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Time: 10:09 pm. Mood: moody. Music: "Hey" -Hanson... Yah that's right... HANSON!.

Work sucked again. I had to work with Patty, the lady who called me prissy. And today, once again, she was talking crap about me! Because she messes up according to her, it's my fault. She hates me and has no reason to. I don't talk to her, she doesn't know me, so where does she get off blaming me for her mistakes? I got in trouble again today because apparently Paul doesn't like my attitude towards her... Yah, Hi... what attitude? I DON'T TALK TO HER. The only thing I've ever said to her was in my defense telling her I'm not prissy and that's about it. Except for when we are serving and then all I tell her are numbers.... But maybe if Paul and everyone weren't so damn in love with her, they just might understand why I feel about her the way I do... I'm 10 seconds from quitting! Victoria's secret in hiring... hmmm. I stayed at home tonight... Hung around with my mom and listened to music from way back when. It was kinda fun. She decided she wanted to do that whole journal thing where you write quotes and stuff in it, so went and got her a cool journal at the store. But as we were walking down the isle because she wanted to go see Christmas stuff I thought I saw "him". So I hid and made my mom make sure it wasn't... But it was. So we ran the other direction, payed for our things and ran to the car. His car was a few parking spots away... She wanted to write obscene things on it in lipgloss. As funny as it may have been... I didn't want her to. He might think it was me or something. I don't get it... When I want to see him he's never around, but when I really really don't he's everywhere. I hate this small town. I can't wait to get out. Even if I don't go very far away, I can't wait. I don't like anyone here. They are all a bunch of stuck up jerks. And the funny part is... They have absolutly no reason to be. Blah. I got a cute dry erase board that had a picture thing on the side. It had pics of Boni, Lindsay, carrera, carissa, ben and I all over it. It's so damn adorable. But I have to go to bed. Gotta get up early for another day in the hell hole!

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Subject: My depth perception must be off again Time: 12:24 pm. Mood: mellow. Music: "Rest in pieces" -Saliva... That is a gross name for a band..

Yesterday I got in trouble at work for having my lip pierced. GAY! But they are stuck with it for 6-8 weeks until I can getit down sized and get one of those little retainer things. Anyway, I hung out with Katie and Nicole after work. It was fun...kinda. We watched 28 days later... Weird movie, bad ending...and then wesat around for a bit. WOOHOO! ;) Then took little Nicole home. But on our way to her house... Guess who was driving next to us??? Yah that's right... Wade. I don't think he noticed us though. Katie and I went back to her house and watched old dance videos. Ben was supposed to call me when I got him. He didn't. Stupid best friend!.. It's ok though, I was in bed. I might not have answered anyway. Syx in on saturday... I don't know if I'm going. I don't know why I wouldn't, but I just know I might not. However I AM going to THRICE!!!! I'm so freaking excited! And Thurday and Coheed and Cambria will be there too! This is going to be great. I hope Linsay goes so we can be the HBS. I heart her. She so cool. Boni, Carrera and Jorah better be there too. I miss them all! "So would you find it in your heart to let me rest in pieces"

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Subject: I got a new kitty Time: 7:49 pm. Mood: lonely. Music: Something by Coldplay.

His name is Seven... I like him! He's so tiny!!! He's black and has blue eyes! AWWWW... I know, I know, you want him! But he's mine!!! Hahaha. Anyway, I didn't call the person I was supposed to today. I'm not going to play phone tag. And I don't want to be made time for. Either you have time for me or you don't. On another note... my lip is still a little sore. I hit myself with a pillow... oops! It hurt so bad! Katie got her lip pierced on the other side the same day as me. Carissa went later that night and got her helix done. It's cute. But I'm outta here... Gonna go watch Almost Famous... Best movie ever... kinda.

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