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I wish i could be honest for once...i mean, chet, i'm not even honest to myself NE more...i can't help it...it's just so much easier to lie than it is to live truthfully...*sigh*...like for example HONESTLY i don't know why in that one post i said i loved Robbie??...cuz HONESTLY i really don't...i do miss him...but to me, he's basically dead...he's not who he use to be...and even if he were to try to be my friend again, things could never be the same...i guess it was just that in that moment when i was thinking about him i thought that maybe if i expressed my "undying" love for him, he's some how come back?...but HONESTLY now i relize that was all bull shit...he was a nice kid...but i'll live with out him...there's one person i could never be honest with...i dunno why?...i guess i was just trying so hard to be who you wanted me to be...that i didn't care what that took...but now, now it's just so fucked up between us, it's not even funny...i just wanted us to be together so damn bad...it was just so fucking perfect...you were exactly what i was looking for...you were that person that i was suppose to be with for ever...and we were suppose to have lots of kids (lol)...and tell them all our stories about knowing each other for hella years...cuz that's just hella cool...and i out kids would tell their kids "yeah, your grandparents knew each other since they were like 12 and 14" yeah...that would have been great...but i did a lot of thinking...and i relized that HONESTLY you're not my "1"...you can't be...cuz if you were...you wouldn't be able to be so mean to me...i want to let go of you...but i HONESTLY can't...your stupid fucking head games HONESTLY get to me...and i HONESTLY don't know what to do...some times it feels like i can just let go and walk away...and just forget you ever exsisted...but then again, i think, i've never been able to do that before, in all the years i've known you...what makes me think i can do that now? I sware to god, i think you are the one that told me "if you truely love a person, you can't just be their friend"...if that really is true...then that must mean i'm flat out head over heals in love with you...cuz just trying to be your "friend" is killing me...but then again...like i said...i do a lot of thinking...and i figured it might not even be you...cuz i relized one thing about myself...i'm afraid to be alone...if you've ever noticed, i call people when i'm driving alone...i make people walk to the bathroom with me...if i'm in a class with no one else to talk to, i'll text some1 just so i don't feel alone...and i think i just want some1...i want some1 to love me just as much as i love them...just to be with some1...i know it's stupid cuz there have been guys who have loved me, that i just kinda stoped liking after a while...but there was just something about them...that apparently wasn't what i was looking for...this is one of the reasons why i NEED to go to the Air Force...so i can force myself to be in a situation where there's no one else with me that i know, and i have to go meet people...and take control of my life...and show myself that i'm okie on my own...i like to pretend to myself that "i must be strong cuz i survived a year in Milpitas when we moved" but no...that's nothing...i nearly died out there...and i've never been the same since...i've HONESTLY lost faith in everything...i HONESTLY don't trust NE one NE more...i just can't...i'm just so scared as i'm coming closer to the end of school and you really start seeing people for who they really are, and it's HONESTLY scary...cuz you think they're one way, then they just TOTALLY change on you...and it sucks...i just HONESTLY don't know what to do...i keep screaming, yelling and crying for some1 to help me...but the only one that can help me here is me...i know i'll survive...and i know i'll live...i just need to find a way to be happy while i'm doing all that...
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