| i found the root to my sickness...i found out that it's YOU... |
[12 Dec 2005|07:51pm] |
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*sigh*...so yeah...i feel retchid right now...which is really weird...cuz usually when i talk to him...it makes me feel better...but at the moment i feel horrible...yeah...i pretty much don't know what to do...i know what i shouldn't have done though...and that was to talk to him...but to know that he had called me...*ugh*...it makes me shiver all over...i feel lost and confused...anything but good...*sigh*...where are you my reliefe??...where can you be???...i miss you...i want you...i really need you now...
I know i set myself back like hell...cuz now it feels inevitable again...oh god...there's that word again...reminds me of Andrew...wait...no...not Andrew...Dogz...fucking dogz...when we use to sign all those letters "your inevitable one"...yeah...i remember that...i remember a lot of things...out of NE one in the whole world...i miss Robbie...not robbin...who he is now...but good ol' reliable sweet Robbie....he could help me right now...he always knew what to say...all of his great fuckin metaphores...too bad he had to die...god...how i miss that boy..."just promise me one thing...please, never go lezbian...because, if you ever want to get a dog again...i want to know that i'll still have another chance"...miss you...miss you...i've been drowning in memories lately...i can't get out of them...maybe it's cuz i've been so miserable lately...i just want to go back there...I like to pretend...that when i die...i'll go back there...you know, like in the movie Titanic, how when Rose dies, she goes back to the Titanic, with all the happiness and shit?...I like to pretend that's how it's going to be for me...that when i die...i'll go back to our Freshmen year...(the only difference will prolly be that P-chis will be there...lol)...I'll walk back into the dungeon and we'll all be there...but not the broken different who know's what we are us that we are now...but our old selves...the ones that fuckin rocked...yeah...we were pretty awesome then...and when i die...and i'm back there...we'll all play halloween and christmas over and over...different everytime...there will be no parents there...just us...to have more fun than we could ever imagine...we'll laugh the days away...i cause massive mischief at night...lol...yeah...we're hella cool in my world...in my world...we still fight...but we always make up like 10 minutes later...we never have to say sorry...or NE thing like that...we just know that we're cool again...i wouldn't have a bold spot...and none of us would have a bad memory of anything...we'd be perfectly content in our little world of imperfection...*sigh*...yeah...that's where i'll go when i die...but i can only go there when i die of what ever i'm "suppose" to die of...if i commit suicide...then i can never get there...and i really wanna get there...hmmm....what other memories can i pull out of my head...eh...there's too many to just try to grab one random ass one...
geez...we've all been through a lot together...or should i say people have put me through a lot...lol...learned so much through all this time...like the fact that i can't trust people named Justin...lol...some things just need to be said...and others are best left unsaid...i'll always be crazy...these were the best years of my life...someday...i'll be laying on my death bed...with my kids and grand kids at my side...and i'll be telling them stories of all you guys...and how much you all meant to me...and how much more i love you guys than i could ever love them...hahaha........damn...i can't believe have fast time has gone by...and how fast time is coming towards us...I'm leaving in not all that long...we're all gonna start out lives out side of high school...that's when the true test of friendship is given...cuz while we're in school, we're forced to see each other once a day...that's what makes it so easy to have friends in school...but once we're out...and we have to do it ourselves to see each other...that's when we'll truly see how things are...
I know that life is only gonna get crazier as it goes on...but i know that i'll do okie...cuz as long as i have my memories to look back upon...i'll always have something to smile about...so i guess i should say thanks guys...thanks for giving my pathetic ass something worth living for...i'll never forget the time Andrew Dogz was walking me home...and i was so upset with birdy evans for some reason...and i told him..."i wish i were dead...i should just go home and kill myself right now... then he prolly told me i shouldn't...or he'd kill himself too...but NE ways...then i said "I sware...the only thing stopping me from just going home and ending my life is you Jessica and Sheryl...i couldn't give a shit less what happens to me in life...but i'm just so damn curious what you guys are gonna turn out like, that i gotta stick around to see how things go for you guys..."i also remember saying that the only way i'd be able to kill myself is if i knew guarenteed that i'd be able to just wonder the earth watching you guys grow and just live...i never got that guarentee...and i'm still curious as hell how all you guys are gonna turn out...i'm already excited about our 10 year aniversary for Kennedy...damn it Jessica! you better go!...if for some reason we're not talking...your ass better go!...same for you cha!...god forbid that we should ever stop talking...but...shit happens...and the world ain't so perfect...so at least give me that...
yeah...i think i'm done...
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