| bla... |
[30 Mar 2004|06:27pm] |
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ain true love |
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god my throat hurts so bad i cant swallow hardly!and i have to do so much math homework that makes no sense but then again it never does but at least im getting a d in shemistry instead of an f!i need to get michael to help me with the homework he always gets it its not fair he doesnt do shit and i try so hard!i wish i was smart o well anyway im bored as hell in my room all alone!
im starting to wonder if she even remembers all the times we were together and all the times we were everything to each other and im starting to wonder how much i care...
jess
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| spring break!!! |
[30 Mar 2004|07:30am] |
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stupid morning show! |
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me and kel had so much fun on the cruise everywhere we went was beautiful! the ship was huge and so pretty1 the first 2 nights we didnt really do anything but the third day we went to puerto rico that was cool...cockfights!then we went to st.thomas on wednesday wow wednesday night was funny!on thursady we went to catalina island but it rained but it was still really pretty we were at sea all day friday then on saturday we went to the bahamas on sunday we left and it was really sad! i miss it so much i wish i was still there...grr and i really miss all the people we met ...matt,jacob,nikko,collin,tbg,peter,roshelle,cameo,giuliana....idk there were more! the best night was the last night we all stayed up till we had to leave the ship...wow kelsi soap wtf!antway it was a lot of fun and ill always remember it!man i hate the morning show i hate this rape crap! y are they telling us to hang out in kfc? THIS SCHOOL IS SO WIERD!ok i have to go to second period ill put pictures from spring break up on friday.
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| spring break!!! |
[30 Mar 2004|07:30am] |
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stupid morning show! |
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me and kel had so much fun on the cruise everywhere we went was beautiful! the ship was huge and so pretty1 the first 2 nights we didnt really do anything but the third day we went to puerto rico that was cool...cockfights!then we went to st.thomas on wednesday wow wednesday night was funny!on thursady we went to catalina island but it rained but it was still really pretty we were at sea all day friday then on saturday we went to the bahamas on sunday we left and it was really sad! i miss it so much i wish i was still there...grr and i really miss all the people we met ...matt,jacob,nikko,collin,tbg,peter,roshelle,cameo,giuliana....idk there were more! the best night was the last night we all stayed up till we had to leave the ship...wow kelsi soap wtf!antway it was a lot of fun and ill always remember it!man i hate the morning show i hate this rape crap! y are they telling us to hang out in kfc? THIS SCHOOL IS SO WIERD!ok i have to go to second period ill put pictures from spring break up on friday.
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| spring break!!! |
[30 Mar 2004|07:30am] |
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stupid morning show! |
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me and kel had so much fun on the cruise everywhere we went was beautiful! the ship was huge and so pretty1 the first 2 nights we didnt really do anything but the third day we went to puerto rico that was cool...cockfights!then we went to st.thomas on wednesday wow wednesday night was funny!on thursady we went to catalina island but it rained but it was still really pretty we were at sea all day friday then on saturday we went to the bahamas on sunday we left and it was really sad! i miss it so much i wish i was still there...grr and i really miss all the people we met ...matt,jacob,nikko,collin,tbg,peter,roshelle,cameo,giuliana....idk there were more! the best night was the last night we all stayed up till we had to leave the ship...wow kelsi soap wtf!antway it was a lot of fun and ill always remember it!man i hate the morning show i hate this rape crap! y are they telling us to hang out in kfc? THIS SCHOOL IS SO WIERD!ok i have to go to second period ill put pictures from spring break up on friday.
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| 6 days |
[15 Mar 2004|07:38am] |
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yesyesyes!!!!! 6 days until the cruise im so excited its gunna be so much fun! me and kel are going to nbe laughing the whole time wahoooooooooo for a whole week yayayayayaya!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 7 days of bliss is only 6 days away!lol me and nicole watched american wedding on friday it was so funny!hey u know waht might really suck is i might have detention today and tomorrow and wednesday
my hips really hurt they need to pop or something.
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| my beautiful empty balloon |
[04 Mar 2004|07:36am] |
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nicole breaks a car o wait no she didnt uhh the BMW let me remind u all that caring about a car more than ur friends feelings would be called materialism. so tahts wht ill call it ..materialism.. the ryan thing is out of control everyone cant stand him the sad thing is he is only part of the problem.yes he is an asshole yes he is rude inconciderate obnoxious annoying degrading etc i could go on for ever...but she is now the epitome of what i dont like to be around...my car my boyfriend my good grades my clothes look at me look at me im fake im putting on a show to please everyone im perfect (but im not) o but i am i dont talk to jessica but its her fault we are not friends anymore ryan is my life as long as everything looks good on the outside who cares waht its like on the inside...that is wat i see when i look at her thats it nomore happy just fake happy and she thinks she is fooling us all but not me i know u to well,to well to be fooled... ur not a bubbley bouncy perfect blonde in some teen movie u WERE my best frind i dont know waht u are now!and i dont know waht u want from me ??? i know waht i want for u ...to be urself unless this is u know and if it is i feel bad for u cus taht is jsut sad!and when people tell u there secrets keep them that doesnt mean o i can tell ryan bo u dont cus now i tell nothing of myself to u if u want to know it u can figure it out on ur own...dont gossip to other friends about other friends we will find out and then to have the nerve to pretend like u didnt is just being a coward. its crazy how someones opinion of someone so close can change but it has i held u with the utmost respect now its all gone how could u do taht cus u did ... tears running from your eyes wont save u now face ur problems as they come and they will...u can chose to run away from this or come to terms with wat has been said of u.althoughi know u want me as a friend i think u must listen to wat i have to say u have lost ur personality and replaced it wiith wat u think a girl should be like......to me ur are beautiful,smart but utterly translucent and i can see straight thru u..start caring about the things taht used to mean a lot to u. so deceptive to the world but blind to see the reasons why my beautiful empty balloon.
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| jessica is covered in a blanket on a sunday porch |
[24 Feb 2004|07:39am] |
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i really dont know waht im supposed to be doing in this class i guess i should be lisening but o well and i cant get this senses fail song out of my head 187__u ripped my heart out u tore my eyes out now ur gunna pay ill stab u one time ill eat ur heart out so u feel my pain__little to graphic for me but i stll like it not as good as early november or somethign corporate but its still really good i wish i could have an a in chem or b or a c or even a d but no of course i have an f yyyyyyy cant i do good its so frustrating im so tireedi want my new mattres so bad i cant stand it its gunna be so nice everyones gunna want to sleep in my bed it has cashmier in it and memory foam ahhh i cant wait cus i have had the same mattres all my life !!! now i have to go do work beybey
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| fat bottomed girls you make the rockin world go round |
[23 Feb 2004|07:35am] |
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uhhh so tired once again deprived of sleep. my f in chemistry is pissing me off i wish i wasnt such a dipshit and get good grades oh well so friday was fun until sam decided to end it with her projectile vomiting! lol and i still have to get those cds burned queen the eagles electric light orchestra and pink floyd i missed katie and kelsi this weekend didnt get to see them i hope katie had fun even though she didnt really want to go ......uhhh i want to go home
ill stab you one time ill eat your heart out
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| foi gras on the side please... |
[18 Feb 2004|07:40am] |
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its a dull morning this school is boring me ...suprise suprise...im done with brian guess thats over.. what a crying shame.also it seems taht i havnet talked to tyler in probably 2 1/2 months o well idk care hes a scumbag who likes to date girls that i could babysit(ok fine she is in 8th grade)im going to the melting pot on friday for rachels b-day hopefully i can get to have one of those long talks with nicole.my head feels like its strapped to a vice i cant take it
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| always draw the queen of hearts |
[13 Feb 2004|07:56am] |
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jimmy buffet wanebe but it sounds good |
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wow i jsut wrote an entire evtry that was reall long and it didnt go through well now i have nothing to saw but that life is hard but i should have known
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| story goes on ...without me |
[11 Feb 2004|07:47am] |
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well lisas 16th in sat. and i have to finish buying her presents but i know i have to work up the balls to sit down an write the letter...for all of u that dont know the letter is something i have to do its something that explains how i feel about her and y we are meant for each other as far as freinds go ...on special occasions we write these letters...anyways waht am i going to saybecause nothign is the same anymore so much has change i cant lie to her but i also cant make her cry(in a bad way)on her birthday or ever.dotn get me wrong the jessica lisa friendship has been one of the best ever(i mean ever...all of time)10 years of bonding i never once thought those 10 years would be on the line but now they are and im so unprepared how do i tell her that she means so much to me but yet everyday more of us slips away i dont want to say she has changed but she has but then again so have i ...i think she thinks its all my fault we arent as close anymore but its not of course i take 50% of the blame but lets be real here for a sec -factors that lead to this-my mistakes her mistakes my loneliness her unloneliness ryan other firends my rebelious side her confined side me needing to be myself her needing to be herself ryans personality imbeded in her me and nicole getting so close the clash between our personalities her thinking im depressed wasted a lost cause unhappy me thinking she is to in tone to reality tries to hard to be perfect uptight...and now tahts where the blame is! im not mad im jsut upset to loose a friend to all of this but in all honesty i want things back the way the were.
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| i hate mondays |
[09 Feb 2004|07:56am] |
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so sick of this never ending morning
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| its all about the beads |
[09 Feb 2004|07:34am] |
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sound of my rapid repeating thoughts |
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well i got a ton of beads we all did at gaspirlla it was fun...got some unsettling news from kelsi...stayed up until 2 in the morning doing homework im tired as hell i cant barly keep my eyes open to type this so good bye for now
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| im bored with theses games |
[03 Feb 2004|08:06am] |
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morning show shut up! |
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chem test today i jsut cant wait for it ...nnonononononono im going to fail waht else is new!friday no school im excited!saw my cousin over the weekend she wants me to work at AI with her idk i dont know if im ready for a job but i i were to have one being a ride op would be pretty cool!anyways gaspirilla is coming up wahoooo!lisa said somehting about she shouldnt have im not anorexic i dont know y people say that i dont even gein to resemble and anorexic i just dont want her to say stuff like that about me it was un called for...so me and katie have plans with katie and her friends on friday night its gunna be fun!i cant wait to see the butterfly effect
im gunna get my license soon dammit!
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| ...continued....its cold outside ....i hate it |
[30 Jan 2004|07:49am] |
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the sound of keys |
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so im back i was taking a quiz so anyway to sum up my week
.......i like someone......brian
nicole is mad at me for god knows y
i left my fucking chem project at home
lisa hates me
i dont know want im doing tonight
i have to present my english project today
and i dont know my plans for Gaspirilla,the Anberlin show, and the party
AND I HAVE TO GET MY LISCENSE SOON 3 DAYS!
It's a faster, growing greed
Flows through these leaves
I have, I try, I guess we'll be alright
I do try, I don't know why
For you brought me better nights
A beautiful, baby blue
Sky that's looking up at you
Now watch it fade away
But it's okay
We'll come around
When nights like this are never ending
I tried so hard to make this perfect
You and I somehow
We can't see eye to eye together
We always knew that you were better
I know you want it all
And you got me
Sorry I never was everything you ever dreamed
But kept at bay, for just in case that day
But it's okay
We'll come around
When nights like this are never ending
I tried so hard to make this perfect
You and I somehow
We can't see eye to eye together
We always knew that you were better
I don't want you to love me anymore
With my bags packed, I'm ready to go
But nothing's ever hurt so much for me
To let you go
To let you go
My bags packed, I'm ready to go
But nothing's ever hurt so much for me
To let you go
To let you go
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| damn the moles damn all the moles |
[30 Jan 2004|07:28am] |
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stupid kids talking in class |
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so down with the mole i cant belive i made that stupid mole for extra credit and then left it at home damn alllllllll the moles ...o well i will get over it ! and its friday and im dontwhat im doing tonoght grr i hate this ! waht am i gunna do tonight i know wat i want to do but hat will never ahppen so a plan B would be nice. i would really like it if i could just get drunk to night and forget about this week ccus its been so crappy and i think nicole is mad at me cus i was in a bad mood or she thinks i ditched her or something.idk.w/e.she cant be mad at me i dont want her to be but seriously llet it go if im in a bad mood u dont have to et mad about it
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| ever so sweet u make this seem |
[29 Jan 2004|07:35am] |
so i love the newer early november cd it kicks ass! so im dont even talk to tyler anymore not at all we are not even friends not even a little bit and the bad thing is i dont even care taht much but he hurt nicole he hurt me and now hes dating and eight grader jsut so he can get blowed.....really how low can u get....i dont know maybe he does like ehr but eww they are 4 years apart he is 17 and she i think is 13 how sick and twisted!well anyway along with me not talking to tyler there is someone else and i dont think it will ever turn into anythign but i like brian i do i dont know if its a good thing but i do i like brian i admit it ! im not susie girlfriend im different in fact im not the girlfirend type i never am ...im better at being used getting hurt then moving on only to get hurt again so its a bad cycle but its waht im good at...besides noone ever really cares about me and i hate taht maybe someone someday will but now i dont think its gunna happen...but i want it to im tierd of being the unhappy disappointement taht everyone knows about they jsut cant do anythign!other news umm lisas part we are taking a limo to the venoy having dinner and coming back to her house and ryan will be going with us i daid it was ok but idk even though we admitted we dont hate eachother i still well i kind of do hate him in a i think if u wernt around my life would be a lot better kind of way but he makes lisa happy and obviously taht is important but also me and lisa never talk anymore she quit dance she is with ryan at school and with ryan on the weekends so basically the only time i see her is 7th period and tahts it. of course im not making an effort to be around her so wahtver i just waht someone to truly make me happy maybe that person doesnt exsist.listen to me im rambling on about high school problems and nonsense but its the only nonsense i can talk about so .......kaite is the best she really is i love her with all my haeart!read my list!
1. tyler get a life and just cus ur dating a sluty 8th grader it does not make u cool!
2. lisa i love u uve been my best firend for 10 years but we dont talk we dont hang out and we are not making an effort to waht does taht say about us?...drifting...and i dont feel comfortable telling u anything cus ull judge WOW cant belive how much things have change
3.nicole im sorry ur hurting if i say ive been there and taht i am there right there with u feeling like shit i dont think ull belive me
4.rachel i love u ur great
5.brain i like u i want u to like me do u ......idk
6.katie ur the best ur always there for me
7.kelsi ur there for me to wow i have good friends
9.school sucks i ahte it with a passion
10.becca i wish things were the way they used to be and i know they cant be but i wish i really do i dont want u to do drugs and we had this conversation so really im jsut repeating myself dont dothem but u cant stop noone can stop u so......
11.i love my dad
12.i hate algebra2
13.i think they are reopening hollywood 20 i hate it it was the most awesome place to go it was creepy as hell but cool i swear how can they reopen it!
(i only make my lists of 13)
I've got a day and a reason
Why I should not believe in..anything, anymore
What's this for?
My time well spent
I've got all these memories that I cannot believe in
Cause I don't know where I've been all these years
All these years
And do you know this reason
I hope that you can see it cause I will not give up
And we all know what you've done again
I can see right through you
You're making your way over again..again
Two days after leaving and I don't have a reason to keep you from being here
I don't steer these thoughts away
I know that you know this but I could never get you to believe all my fears
Is this your clear?
I think so
And do you know this reason
I hope that you can see it cause I will not give up
and we all know what you've done again
I can see right through you
You're making your way over again..again..again..and again
And do you know this reason?
I hope that you can see it cause I will not give up
And we all know what you've done again
I can see right through you
You're making your way over again..again..again
And do you know this reason?
I hope that you can see it.
Cause I will not give up and we all know what you've done again
I can see right through you
You're making your way over again..
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| tell all the english boys you meet |
[16 Jan 2004|07:32am] |
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i dont talk to tyler i jsut dont they broke up i dont talk to him everythign has changed everything ...kelsi has really been there for me and even though she will never see this i want her to know i love her i do ... and nicole me and her are almost exactly the same almost we went to where we used to go (HH)wothout tyler o well i dont y he used to think i hated him waht the hell kinda excuse is that?i hate figuring out classes its so stressful.. o and the other big bomb in my life lisa quit dance just decided to take tennis again but stop dance with me taht is all we have we have gotten futher and further apart since her and ryan got together and now we wont even have dancce uhhh i nmeed my best firend iv known her for 10 years ..10 does that mean anythign to her of course it does but she isnt proving it i dont want to drift apart form her i love her she is my best friend...what a waste...
jess i still taste you thus reserves my right to hate you
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| the way it is |
[09 Jan 2004|07:52am] |
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and we all fall we always fall and this tyler nicole tyler nicole tyler nicole has got to go i cant take it and its got to end the whole thing is screwed up and its my fault apartly that they cant have a real relationshop cus he cant jsut have one girl and she is so in love with him she does whatever he wants her to they cant do this to me any more im so sick of getting hurt i hate obviously and she knows she has him she knows that she has so much more to offer him than i do but she likes to play it off like she has no clue. and he gets mad and thinks i hate him i tell him i dont and suddenly its ok well all know that he truly doesnt give a shit about me he really doesn t so y the hell would u pretend like u care just say it straghit forward im not an idiot i know how the world works and nicole come on suck it uop ur my best firendbut knowing u how u are now its all abotu tyler everything revoles around that guy i swear maybe he should of never moved down here.everything is about tyler i swear and ur not gunna let one thing come between the 2 of u no matter how many ur friends u hurt and ruin and really just doesnt matter to u anymore does it?u dont care if it hurts me do u well it does..like u didnt know and as tyler and me go well i guess im ur back up thanks im so honorod that when nicole isnt around u can think hey waht they hell might as well do something let me call jess!after all of this nicoel after all of it u got what u wanted u got him and u left me dieing somewhere along the road long ago are u happy ? honestly are u ..i love u nicole i really do but sometimes i wish u would jsut catch on and get a clue that this whole thing might just be hurting me more than u thing but u wont even try to see taht cus u dotn want to deal with it ur happy he doesnt care about me u even told me so there it is resting our wonder friendship in the hands of guy who couldnt make a dcesion if his life depended on it do u really want our friendship left like that its ur job now go ahead save us see if u can but u wont im over this im done too much heartache itsnot owrth it maybe someday someone will like me for me and not like me cus they wanna like u .ur a shadow and ever since all of this nothing has been claer hasnt made any sense form start to finish.y has this become so difficulti know waht u would say its difficult cus ur in the way of me and tyler so go away.ur a shadow ur a shadow ur a shadow leaning over me in every way everytime you will always be at lwast one step ahead of me in everything i hope that makes u happy i want it to be like its used to i wont cry over tyler hesnot worth it but nicole and the fact that she can breeak my haert becus of some guy ill cry over it i always willl i want it the way it used to be change it back someone plesae cus i dont have enoughe left in me.im so much better than all of this.
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| the way it is |
[09 Jan 2004|07:52am] |
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and we all fall we always fall and this tyler nicole tyler nicole tyler nicole has got to go i cant take it and its got to end the whole thing is screwed up and its my fault apartly that they cant have a real relationshop cus he cant jsut have one girl and she is so in love with him she does whatever he wants her to they cant do this to me any more im so sick of getting hurt i hate obviously and she knows she has him she knows that she has so much more to offer him than i do but she likes to play it off like she has no clue. and he gets mad and thinks i hate him i tell him i dont and suddenly its ok well all know that he truly doesnt give a shit about me he really doesn t so y the hell would u pretend like u care just say it straghit forward im not an idiot i know how the world works and nicole come on suck it uop ur my best firendbut knowing u how u are now its all abotu tyler everything revoles around that guy i swear maybe he should of never moved down here.everything is about tyler i swear and ur not gunna let one thing come between the 2 of u no matter how many ur friends u hurt and ruin and really just doesnt matter to u anymore does it?u dont care if it hurts me do u well it does..like u didnt know and as tyler and me go well i guess im ur back up thanks im so honorod that when nicole isnt around u can think hey waht they hell might as well do something let me call jess!after all of this nicoel after all of it u got what u wanted u got him and u left me dieing somewhere along the road long ago are u happy ? honestly are u ..i love u nicole i really do but sometimes i wish u would jsut catch on and get a clue that this whole thing might just be hurting me more than u thing but u wont even try to see taht cus u dotn want to deal with it ur happy he doesnt care about me u even told me so there it is resting our wonder friendship in the hands of guy who couldnt make a dcesion if his life depended on it do u really want our friendship left like that its ur job now go ahead save us see if u can but u wont im over this im done too much heartache itsnot owrth it maybe someday someone will like me for me and not like me cus they wanna like u .ur a shadow and ever since all of this nothing has been claer hasnt made any sense form start to finish.y has this become so difficulti know waht u would say its difficult cus ur in the way of me and tyler so go away.ur a shadow ur a shadow ur a shadow leaning over me in every way everytime you will always be at lwast one step ahead of me in everything i hope that makes u happy i want it to be like its used to i wont cry over tyler hesnot worth it but nicole and the fact that she can breeak my haert becus of some guy ill cry over it i always willl i want it the way it used to be change it back someone plesae cus i dont have enoughe left in me.im so much better than all of this.
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