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what i want.. [18 Jan 2004|07:54am] [ mood | awake ] http://lesley.edu/aib/about/about.html post comment

The bottom line [18 Jan 2004|03:35am] [ mood | listless ] [ music | my internal conflicts screaming in my head ] is... i must stop smoking. that's it. i have no excuses anymore. i've said it before. and shit i've even pointed out that i've said it before. but i guess it's just a bunch of talk until i actually do something about it. i was doing pretty good until last night. within 15 minutes of being sober at dan's i bought a gram. i smoked it all plus some courtesy bowls. i'm mad because i told myself i was going to quit. i hate this. i have weaknesses and this is the most problematic one yet... i have a nasty cough, i waste my money, i feel shitty all the time, and my best friend is mad at me. i'm done, this is it. now i realize that even if i say i'm having fun, it's not worth all this. i know i don't need to smoke pot. i enjoy it..yes. but i do not need it. that was always my excuse.."who cares, i'm having fun." i used to look at pot and think..o it's not bad, it's not addictive so it's ok. but i think i may have some sort of psychological addiction to it. last night, before i smoked, i didn't really feel comfortable. for some reason, i'm either really insecure or just paranoid. but i constantly feel like people are judging me. when i'm high i don't feel that way. i know it shouldn't bother me what people think, but it does. i can't help it. ever since i was little i've always had low self-esteem. i dunno, it sounds rediculous but that's how i feel. i met my best friend while smoking pot. it's a common thread. an easy way to meet people. it lets you know, right away, that you have something in common. and i think that gives me some sort of security. i have a hard time with people. i worry too much about what they think of me. and i think, maybe, i use pot as some sort of "pickup". i only smoke pot with other people. i've only bought a gram once that i smoked all to myself. and when i have no pot while i'm with those people, i find it difficult to find anything similar or compatable. i've noticed that in passed times when anthony and i had no pot we really had nothing to do. it was like we couldn't find something else to do that we'd both enjoy. and since i hang out with him nearly everyday, i made pot a daily routine. when i first started smoking, it was exciting. and eventually it just became the norm. it was so normal that now, when i dont have any, it's strange. what i need to do is fill my time. luckily next week that will happen. school is going to be in full swing and i start my new job. i'm trying to work harder in school... i wasn't focusing for a while. but i only have 6 more months of high school. i'm going to stay away from the whole party scene for a while. i'm serious about quitting this time and i'm going to do whatever i can to kick this. i let myself down, along with anthony. we were supposed to be quitting together. we were gonna support each other. but i gave in and i took him with me. i even played the straight edge card. i hope he can forgive me. i'm tired of this. i'm tired of fucking up, failing, defeating myself. i know what i should do so i should just do it. ...make the right decision, Leah post comment

the porcelain throne [14 Jan 2004|09:37pm] [ mood | the shits ] [ music | flush ] easy mac and frozen meatballs give me the shits post comment

interesting... [12 Jan 2004|05:31pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | everything but the girl..walking wounded ] You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully, it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into you playing the dominant role MEORW! What kind of kiss are you? brought to you by Quizilla post comment

J-O-B..and not the oral kind [12 Jan 2004|03:01pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | Rilo Kiley..Take offs and Landings ] I have an interview today at the Cracker Barrel... hopefully all goes well i'll be working there. i also have an interview tomorrow at Lawrence Lincoln-Mercury, but it's only 3 days a week and i'd need to find a job in addition to that one. but who knows. i also called a photographer who is looking for an assistant for saturdays and sundays and he said to fax my resume. so i think i may have the job thing covered...hopefully. THIS JUST IN.... Steinert can kiss my ass! today i get called into the attendance office. i have no idea what it's for since i've been a good girl in school the past week. well, apparently last monday Mrs. Gore put in a cut slip for me. I left school early with permission because i was sick. my mother talked to the school that day and excused me for the rest of the day. they don't have that recorded so i have to sit in ISAP for 3 periods tomorrow... mind you, i actually followed the rules this time. 6 more months. that's all i need to get through and then it's over. i hate high school. absolutely hate it. i never want to be there. but hopefully this next semester is going to go better. my schedule consists of the following: English 12A Health 12 Sociology Culinary Careers easy classes, no doubt, but i hate being there. hopefully sociology will be fun. ok well.. i have to finish getting dressed for my interview and hopefully eat something. post comment

umm..yeah [12 Jan 2004|01:07am] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | dead silence ] here's somethin i wrote a while ago. it's strange that i would come across this tonight. it's rather fitting for my mood. Her eyes are windows into her deep soul and she is obviously very sad. Her tear stained cheeks show time's taken its toll and gotten rid of a once wasted fad. She sits in her empty room all alone with not a single person to turn to. She wonders if she is forever prone to cry lonely tears of soft, pale blue. Her tears live short and then fall to their death the way they form puddles beneath her feet. Then they take what seems like an endless breath the tears and she will never again meet. post comment

today's horoscope... [11 Jan 2004|04:03pm] [ mood | energetic ] [ music | damn straight! ] Gemini May 21 - June 21 You're on your way to getting focused. Keep moving ahead. You've just figured out that there's more to life than hanging out at the mall. Now go out there and show what you're capable of. post comment

hrmm...newness? [05 Jan 2004|09:48am] [ mood | determined ] [ music | aesop rock..labor days ] ok well it goes...i'm turning my life around... i'm quiting pot and cigs.... beat grams= no money/no high. i'm done... the new semester starts in a couple weeks and i'm taking 9 credits along with my classes at steinert. only 6 more months of high school and the rest of my life begins. i'm starting to realize that the only person i can depend on is myself and i need to start taking care of that. my problem is that i don't take care of myself. i'm afraid of growing up. and i hate all these mixed up emotions i've been having due to the process. first things first though..i need a job. if anyone knows of anything let me know fer serious. i'll do anything. and by anything...i mean ANYTHING! i owe my mother 500$ by the 17th and, well, i have 4$. it's rainy outside and my entire body hurts. i sprained both my ankles twice so they always hurt when it rains. but today i just feel like crawling under my covers and sleeping. at least until my father gets out of work. i have to go see him and discuss my car insurance with him. he said if i need help to just ask him..but really, how do ask someone for 500$ plus some gas money just so i can drive around and look for a job? i really fucked up my life this fall. i used to tell myself that i would never get involved with bad people and never do any hard drugs...but that's exactly what i did and i have to fix it. my grades are bad, i'm out of work, and my parents don't trust me anymore. i'm gonna have to work on the first 2 in order to accomplish the latter though. i can do it.. i know i can..it's just gonna take A LOT of hard work. believe it or not, i used to have a really great work ethic. last winter i was in school all day and working 2 jobs 6 days a week. o yeah, and my grades were outstanding. i think this is just one of those obstacles that everyone runs into and i just have to change my future plans a bit. i'm taking intro to photography this spring and that's the first step in the direction of my career. i'm starting college early.. i'm there now and i'll be going through the summer as well... i'm getting it done..fast... i don't want to be at mercer for 4 years like most people i know... i think this summer i'll go visit some art schools. i wanna see the institute in philly...that's where mom wants me to go. as well as new york. but i dunno...we'll see i guess. i think i owe this perspective on life to a great friend of mine. he's such a hard worker..i really admire anthony. so thanks to him. but i think it's time i go and eat something.. post comment

everything's honky-dory [04 Jan 2004|12:37am] [ mood | bored ] [ music | tom waits...heart of saturday night ] [x] name: Leah Marie [x] birthday: June 1 [x] height: 5'5" [x] shoe size: 10 [x] hair color: black [x] Three worst qualities: lazy, dramatic, dependent [x] Three things you are often complimented for: eyes, laugh, bj's -------------------------------------------------- Current... [x] current mood: bored [x] current taste: newports [x] current annoyance: no pot [x] current smell: citrus neutra-air [x] current thing you ought to be doing: sleeping..early morning [x] current desktop picture: a really hot little asian chick [x] current favorite band(s): mars volta, co&ca, everything but the girl [x] current book: just bought a new one... photography by nan goldin [x] current refreshment: cool blue hater-ade [x] current worry: work, school, money ----------------------------------------------- Random Questions... [x] who likes you: umm. [x] what annoys you: close-mindedness, stuborness [x] what do you want to do: right now? have crazy kinky wild sex [x] who is one person you never get sick of: anthony [x] three first things you notice about the opposite sex: Eyes, Lips, hands [x] do you sleep on your back, stomach or side?: mostly my side..but i toss a lot [x] what would you take if you were stuck on a deserted island?: nine stories by j.d. salinger [x] who would you take to that island if you had to take anyone: anthony [x] if your house was on fire and you could only save one thing what would you save?: My pictures [x] have you ever said "i love you" and never meant it: no [x] who would you trade places with for a day?: it would deffinately be a guy [x] have you ever been told you look like a celebrity?: shannen doherty..and mallory from family ties...but i don't see it [x] do you regret any of your past relationships?: Yes, but hey it was only one. [x] shampoo do you use: Ice..smells yummy [x] perfume/cologne do you use: coolwater [x] you are scared of: being alone -------------------------------------------------- Whens the last time you.. [x] bought something: 20 minutes ago [x] eaten: an hour ago [x] been kissed:couple hours ago [x] wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't: couple hours ago [x] talked to an ex: september [x] talked to someone you have a crush on:couple hours ago [x] missed someone: around 7ish [x] hugged someone: today -------------------------------------------------- Social Life... [x] boyfriend/girlfriend: No [x] pager: no [x] would you rather be with friends or on a date: friends [x] do you have a job: no..looking [x] do you like being around people: people i like [x] have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: Yes [x] have you ever cried over the opposite sex: unfortunately [x] do you have a "type" of person you always go after: not really [x] ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: revenge is sweet [x] ever liked your best guy/girl friend: Yes [x] do you want to get married: Eventually [x] do you want kids: eventually [x] what is your favorite part of your physical appearance: Eyes [x] are you happy with you and your life: not really... it's gonna get better though [x] if you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: i'd have a job and money and i'd be doing well in school and i'd have a boyfriend and some close friends and...o wait, ONE thing eh? [x] You get upset when: i have no pot [x] you think about suicide:never [x] others find you attractive: i asume so...i think i'm pretty hot [x] you want more piercings: i want my tongue pierced [x] you want more tattoos: just 1 ---------------------------------------- For or against... [x] long distance relationships: against [x] using someone: Against [x] suicide: Against [x] killing people: for [x] teenage smoking: umm sure [x] doing drugs:acid baby!! [x] driving drunk: no [x] gay/lesbian relationships: what ever tickles your pickle..fer serious ----------------------------------------------- yes or no: [x] You like to cook: of course! [x] You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: yes [x] You talk in your sleep: i don't think so [x] You believe in love: yes..but it hasn't found me yet ------------------------------------------------ number: [x] of times I have had my heart broken?: once [x] of hearts I have broken?: umm..i dunno...paul said i broke his heart in 8th grade...i said sorry and gave him a newport [x] of times I have been in love: once [x] of countries I have stayed in?: the good ole US of A [x] of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends?: 2 [x] of people I consider my enemies?: 0 [x] of cd's that I own?: 200 [x] of things in my past that I regret?: lots ok...that was well..ghey...i'm extremely bored and wide awake and have no ambition to really form any coherent information about the events that occured in my past week. so yeah..that's it. post comment

it just like "we" never was [26 Dec 2003|07:20pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | dizzy gillespie..dizzier and dizzier ] so the christmas holiday is over..thank god. i got my camera. and a new computer! it's a dell pentium 4 processor with windows xp and whatnot. still gotta put that shit together. i returned all the unwanted gifts i received and got some cute clothes. ummm...not much else...elizabeth is coming into town sunday for dana's birthday party...i wanna smoke with her..that'd be fun. i'm waiting for anthony to finish work and then we're gonna go out. not sure what we're don..hopin it somethin different. i wanna call some people and interact with others tonight, but i don't really know anyone. and uhh..neither does he. so we'll probably shoot pool like always. umm..yeah, i have nothing more to say... post comment

[26 Dec 2003|01:18pm] Crush, dude!!!!You are one relaxed stoner/surfer/ skater/thrill seeker/whatever man!!you are cool and dont let anyone tell you anything else! You definately don't act your age, but people don't seem to mind. you are a role model for the next generation. They love being around your outgoing and funny personality. Which Finding Nemo Character are you? brought to you by Quizilla post comment

the 12 days of christmas... [24 Dec 2003|12:18pm] [ mood | bah humbug ] [ music | the news ] i hate this holiday. i really do. we're having a party tonight and i'm in charge of preparing most of the food. i have to cook a fuckin ham! i don't even eat ham. furthermore, my little cousins are going to be here and 10 minutes with tem is enough to drive even the most sane person straight to the assylum. then of course, there's my my aunt's boyfriend, my sister's boyfriend, my mother's boyfriend...and where's mine? o yeah, i don't have one. but anyway, i'm getting my camera tomorrow and that's all i want from anybody. as soon as i get it i can start following my dreams. i can't wait till the new semester..i have hos109, bakery concepts, and phot101. i'm excited. right now i'm waiting for anthony to call me back. i have a flat tire and need to pick up rolls and sauce. i made sauce yesterday for vodka rig and baked ziti, but it burned and i must make some more. i'm just buying a jar of ragu cuz i'm not making anymore. fuck that. i hate this holiday. i want to smoke. a dutch. smoked last night with anthony. that was..ummm...i don't know what it was. i was high as all hell and i was kinda freakin out a bit. but it's not my fault that i freak out. people are doing it to me and i think too much and i try to analyze everything. but i'm jsut doing it to figure out what is best for me. but then again, it turns out i create more problems whilst doing that. i'm sick of this. i think this whole holiday has gotten me. i see everyone with their boy/girlfriends and i long for that. my sister's boyfriend is over all the time. and here i am with someone that can't hang out with my family. mike came over to bake cookies and trim the tree and hide in my room because i get so upset. i want that. i want a boyfriend. i love being with anthony. i do. but sometimes i wonder if this is healthy for me. the funny thing is that my mother wants him to come to the party and my father likes him now that they talked last week. and here i am reevaluating everything. even if anthony does hang out with my family, i can't hang out with his. his father is against us and he's not the kind of person that you would disobey. although we are. and i think he knows. i don't know what i'm doing and i not sure what i should do about this. i think it's just the holiday. i really hate christmas. i have to go boltin like michael post comment

amazing... [21 Dec 2003|07:12pm] [ mood | determined ] [ music | belle and sebastian....the boy with the arab strap ] i'm moving on. today i learned how easy it is to mess up everything. i went back to mulliken's today to pay steve and get my stuff back. i park in front of the house and the neighborhood kids are hanging on the porch. i think nothing of it since this is a usual occurance. i go in and the place is empty. the kids said everyone left and they gave them the keys and what was left in the house. i went up stairs to see if anything of mine was in there. nope..but it was weird. i have no idea what happened. i called steve and he told me the cops came and jake moved out. everyone left and gave the kids the house! i was at that house everyday for 2 months. i fucked up a lot of my shit. it was weird being the only person in that house. i walked up the stairs and down the hall and i could imagine all the people..the drugs...the alcohol. i met a lot of....interesting charcters.. drug addicts/alcoholics.. i was turning into one... i lost my job...i owe money to people... i might not graduate... i can't believe i could let something like this happen to me. so this is it. i'm done. i know i've said it before but this time i'm serious. i can't be fucking up liket his anymore. i don't care if nobody believes me or they think i'm just saying this for now... but i'm gonna do it. and i'm gonna bust my ass because i have dreams and goals and i want a life for myself. i don't want to have regrets. and i'm not sure i regret these past months. i've learned alot because of my bad decisions. i'm greatful that i have people who care about me. my family and friends wanted to help me. but i thought i was having fun and they didn't want me to be happy. so these are plans for tomorrow.. go to school... check in about my application to hot topic in oxford valley....go to the doctor at 3:30....make food for christmas....go to bed early... i figured i'd start small...but i'llget it. post comment

all the ingredients for a high nigga pie [20 Dec 2003|04:34pm] [ mood | high ] [ music | aesop rock..labor days ] i don't know what i'm doing these days. my life is in disarray and i'm having a hard time figuring out how to put it back into place. i'm....i don't even know what i am right now. i don't know waht i'm thinking or feeling. and i certainly don't know me. i screwed up my life and now i gotta fix it. but how to do it is the problem. i have no idea. i need to get a job and hopefully everything will work itself out. but for now i'm just gonna try to maintain some sort of homeostasis. post comment

welcome to my world [12 Dec 2003|03:27pm] [ mood | busy ] [ music | john coltrane..blue train ] new journal..i'll post a real update later.. but now i must go to work post comment

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