||my internal conflicts screaming in my head
is... i must stop smoking. that's it. i have no excuses anymore. i've said it before. and shit i've even pointed out that i've said it before. but i guess it's just a bunch of talk until i actually do something about it.
i was doing pretty good until last night. within 15 minutes of being sober at dan's i bought a gram. i smoked it all plus some courtesy bowls. i'm mad because i told myself i was going to quit. i hate this. i have weaknesses and this is the most problematic one yet... i have a nasty cough, i waste my money, i feel shitty all the time, and my best friend is mad at me. i'm done, this is it. now i realize that even if i say i'm having fun, it's not worth all this.
i know i don't need to smoke pot. i enjoy it..yes. but i do not need it. that was always my excuse.."who cares, i'm having fun." i used to look at pot and think..o it's not bad, it's not addictive so it's ok. but i think i may have some sort of psychological addiction to it.
last night, before i smoked, i didn't really feel comfortable. for some reason, i'm either really insecure or just paranoid. but i constantly feel like people are judging me. when i'm high i don't feel that way. i know it shouldn't bother me what people think, but it does. i can't help it. ever since i was little i've always had low self-esteem. i dunno, it sounds rediculous but that's how i feel.
i met my best friend while smoking pot. it's a common thread. an easy way to meet people. it lets you know, right away, that you have something in common. and i think that gives me some sort of security. i have a hard time with people. i worry too much about what they think of me. and i think, maybe, i use pot as some sort of "pickup". i only smoke pot with other people. i've only bought a gram once that i smoked all to myself. and when i have no pot while i'm with those people, i find it difficult to find anything similar or compatable.
i've noticed that in passed times when anthony and i had no pot we really had nothing to do. it was like we couldn't find something else to do that we'd both enjoy. and since i hang out with him nearly everyday, i made pot a daily routine.
when i first started smoking, it was exciting. and eventually it just became the norm. it was so normal that now, when i dont have any, it's strange. what i need to do is fill my time. luckily next week that will happen. school is going to be in full swing and i start my new job. i'm trying to work harder in school... i wasn't focusing for a while. but i only have 6 more months of high school.
i'm going to stay away from the whole party scene for a while. i'm serious about quitting this time and i'm going to do whatever i can to kick this. i let myself down, along with anthony. we were supposed to be quitting together. we were gonna support each other. but i gave in and i took him with me. i even played the straight edge card. i hope he can forgive me.
i'm tired of this. i'm tired of fucking up, failing, defeating myself. i know what i should do so i should just do it.
...make the right decision, Leah