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Stephanie's Journal
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I hate that you ruined this but its all my fault. I hate that you treated me like shit for almost 2 months (may this blurty serve as proof). This is not the first, not the second, but the third time. Should you expect me to ok? No. I don't think you should. Now I'm treating you like shit and you hate it because i always ALWAYS, let you do shit to me and not only forgive but forget. but i'm not forgetting now, i'm never forgetting again. let me refresh you somewhat dilluted memory of what all you've done to me..
ahem!!
1. the first time we became a serious couple, you left me for you ex girlfriend. i took you back 2 months later.
2. the second time we became a serious couple, you broke up with my because you told me you was moving to kentucky for a better job.. you never moved away because you worked only a minute from my house and i seen your car everyday as well as you.
3. you would pick me up, extremely drunk, from my friends parties, take me to your house, have sex with me, then take me home. thanks!!
4. you picked me up one night, kissed me and your mouth smelt like vagina b/c you had been eating some other girl out. but i still kissed you and didn't say anything b/c thats how much i loved you.. and you even admitted to it later.
5. you hid me in a closet because you thought "she" was at the door.
6. you shoved my face in your crotch so she couldnt see me in the car with you.. i do mean shoved.
7. you picked your bike over me.. and told me to go home and that i got on your nerves so you could go out riding.. and you left my at your house by myself all the time while you was out riding. but im not allowed to go out with my friends now..
there is so much more but that isnt what is important now. whats is that jay treated my like shit, you did, nick did and i still forgave you all.. i dont deserve to let people WALK ALL OVER ME when i do everything for them.
i deserve better, i deserve to be happy, i deserve someone who wont hurt me. im sorry i can't forgive and ever forget so maybe you should find someone else who loves you like i DID and will put up with the things you DO.
later.
I post everything on here because I think you are going to read it. You're not. Who am I kidding? You don't care. I've wasted alot of time, haven't I? Tell me!! I handed my heart to you for nothing, didn't I?? You know you haven't care in a long time and you have the nerve to tell me that I cheated! I lived and breathed you! What am I supposed to do now?? How do I pick up the pieces yet again? TELL ME! Its not fair. You said I didn't try.... you know I did, don't kid yourself. I told everyday how I wanted to salvage our relationship but if it was too far gone, then just tell me. But you always said, "It will be normal again, Steph, I swear. I just can't forget about the lies." For fucks sake, I lied about having a goddamn orgasm!!!!!!!!! But don't lie Johnny, You didn't have plans for us to be normal again, don't lie to me!!! After you got your bike and bryan, thats all you need. I was there to keep you "entertained", wasn't I??? I know when I get mad I say some fucked up shit but I say to get under your skin, to make you act like you care, yet you don't, do you?! I feel so overly stupid for doing this again. God.. If I wouldn't have ever called you that one night, I would be ok right now. I would be over you, I wouldn't be feeling the way I feel! I feel guilty because of you! I feel like a failure, I feel like I wasted so much time for nothing. Its not fair because you don't feel this way, you don't feel anything. You feel no remorse for things you've done. I've worn this engagement ring for nothing.....
"put your hand over my heart...... do you feel it beating? well the day it stops beating is the day I stop loving you..."
remember?
im not a liar.
so here's how it goes.
i'm tired of the double standard BULLSHIT!.... shits old, played out.. I'm tired of being "the bad girl"..
i'm tired of you throwing up my past and saying i was a druggie, when HELLO, you did drugs with ME!
Hell, you was snorting pills up your nose way before I was... but guess what??!? I don't do shit anymore..
But this constant bitching we seem to keep doing is forcing me to become an alcoholic. I hate being sober. I hate feeling guilty for shit I don't do, for lies I do not tell. Yeah I did lie to you for two years about not having an orgasm, well I'm sorry. I've said it a million plus two times. But you know as well as I do, if you didn't think I was having an orgasm, you would either A. accuse me of cheating on you, or B. found someone you could make come. Well, I don't have to explain myself anymore about that matter because well, I have already. You know, I say I hate your ex, but sometimes I feel sorry for her. I think I did her a favor by taking you away from her. You treated her like shit, as well as me at the same time. Bet you forgot about cheating on my twice with her?? But of course, we took you back. Why? Don't know. You know, my ex did some fucked up shit to me, alot, but we tried to make it better, but we just couldn't because it wan't meant to be! Now I'm trying to right my wrongs with you, and you aren't giving effort. So here's your props, Jay, you tried!... and maybe failed, but you're doing more than johnny is doing right now. So where is johnny you might ask? On his motorcycle, like he is, all the time.. and you know what I'm doing?? I'm getting drunk because I don't like facing the reality of things falling apart yet again.......
but even at night when we are tangled into one, i feel more distant from him than ever.
Here's so you know.. everything i ever said was true.
sweet, sweet .... patience? [August 23, 2007 @ 4:50pm]
so i'm eating my words right now from the last entry.
yes, i'm with johnny now. i'm completely and totally in love with johnny.. which is nothing new to hear. i've waited for over a year and half for this moment to finally be here... i swore to karma and now i'm thanking my patience in the end. so thanks patience, if it wasn't for you i wouldnt have ever realized exactly what was in front of me.
i love you johnny hale sharrett..
i always have and i always will.
hello darling. [July 25, 2007 @ 11:14pm]
so this time, after randomly visiting my livejournal
i decided i have some things to say.
life is.. eh well, life? how can i put it into words. the ups and downs of it all is giving me vertigo, really. i've taken 2 steps foward, one step back.. but i've moved on, somewhat. i know after a few days i'm going to be eating my words once again. but the thrill of the trigger on my finger, the knife ready to stab him in the back, makes it all worth while. but just as im plotting his revenge, i'm plotting mine too.
because he don't have to do anything at all, thats the problem. he does absolutely nothing because i'm nothing to him. i'm the girl who bites her lip when i should be screaming "hey insert name here, can't you see exactly what hes doing to you?... or better yet, me." i'm the girl on the side who smiles when he does, even when he's not smiling over me, even when its over her. i don't care for some reason.. wait i take that back, i didn't care but now i do. i'm going to try my best to keep my patience and with everything i have, make him feel exactly how i did. i'm gonna make him love me. i'm gonna keep my will strong and stick to the plan..
i swear this time...
shit adds up at the
b
o
t
t
o
m.
wow. [April 30, 2007 @ 10:57pm]
you do something to me that i can't explain. i love you.
magdalena [January 16, 2007 @ 3:32am]
after waiting for something you want for the longest time and you finally get it.. where do you go? what do you say? comfortable silences is all i can see to come up with.. i'm at loss for words when i see you... how do you do that?
ten nineteen...
I'm always on here, everday that I'm at shop. My mind is constantly running wild with things I want to say, mostly to him, but as soon as I start to type.... nothing! I wish I could get all of these words to spill out of my lips or have them flow off of my finger-tips.. but they won't. I don't know why. I want to find the right thing to say to him to show him, me+you= the rest of our lives... or atleast i want that. but i want it to sound perfect, as close as to perfection as i can get.. so if he ever questions my love, he can think back to that moment.
I don't want him to think i'm a liar.. i'm not. i feel that from beyond this point, there is nothing i can do to go back to the way we was.. but god i want to more than anything. i want us to laugh together and be happy together......... but even at night when we are tangled into one, i feel more distant from him than ever.
well i dont know about anything anymore. i really wish i knew what to do to make him happy.