Blurty for stephanie.

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Tuesday, May 4th, 2010

Time:11:26 am.
Officially done here. Find me as stephanie1210 on LiveJournal.
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Subject:Did you get it all out of your system?
Time:10:42 am.
Music:I'm Ready, I Am - The Format.
Today is my final full day here at college for the remainder of freshman year. I am leaving tomorrow, Wednesday, at 9:30 in the morning. I've got a few ceremonial goodbye plans for today - nothing extensive of course, but lunch dates that are overdue and such. Reid and I are going to get dinner tonight for the last time before the 4 months apart ahead of us. That will be nice, as will be lunch together with everyone at one table in the cafe.

When I talked to Amanda and Johana - my honest to god two best friends - they suggested that these were ideas I should probably bring up with Reid. So I think we'll chat about them over dinner. Concerns are not really something I wish to convey anyone, because I feel as though they'll mistake my "concerns" as "doubts," and I really don't think they are the same.

Sorry a lot of people don't understand the magnitude of a New York/California long-distance relationship. It's really not a big deal, though. I have every faith we'll stay together. I just want to talk to him so nothing's hanging in the air. That everything's been said, conveyed, and processed mentally. We need to be on the same page, if you want it put bluntly in cliche terms. I want to make sure we want the same things and likewise, we see the relationship going the same way.

I don't think that's so bad.
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Monday, May 3rd, 2010

Subject:Hello, Beautiful
Time:2:13 pm.
Things are so perfect as they are that I'm terrified of them changing next year. But they inevitably will.

I hear it's wonderful in California; I've been missing you, it's true.
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Sunday, May 2nd, 2010

Subject:I'll tell you what
Time:8:14 pm.
Music:The Fan.
I feel like society sends secret obscure messages to everyone, inferring that we should all guard our hearts and that we shouldn't submit too easily and honestly... believe in a relationship.

Especially long-distance ones. I mean, who are we kidding, really? They're not common. People from New York and California don't usually gravitate towards each other and find both the same love, faith, and willpower inside of each of them to whole-heartedly believe in it and making it work.

However excited I am for the summer, it's equally being counteracted by the fact that I have to leave my boyfriend. I believe in it completely, I do. But I'm just nervous.

What's so stupid is that I find myself wishing for marriage. Like right now, or in, at least, the years to come before college graduation. (I know, I really can get ahead of myself, can't I?) But then I think about it honestly, and I come out with configuration that m a r r i a g e really won't save a relationship. I think I'd feel more confident; but then that makes me feel as though I am now insecure. Which I don't believe myself to be.

I wish I had a reassurance. But I know reassurance is something I shouldn't want.
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Time:10:53 am.
Just burned my hand making morning breakfast muffins. It makes it very difficult to type comfortably.
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Saturday, May 1st, 2010

Subject:I'll be watching you
Time:6:44 pm.
Music:Every Breath You Take, The Police.
I feel like an important, significant part of life is constantly trying to better yourself; and this, inevitably, requires some kind of activity and practice. But what have I really done this year to promote this belief? Unfortunately, not much.

I like to think of it as utilizing my time as a transitional period. Freshman year of college is over. I have one final to take on Tuesday and then I'm home for the summer... away from my friends, and thousands of miles away from my boyfriend. (California --> New York = very, very, very LONG distance relationship).

But I want to start bettering myself again, which is why I have colossal plans for next year. I already applied to be a paid campus tour guide. I talked to the coach about trying out for cheerleading. I have a pending position on the photo club staff and a job as a staff writer for the newspaper, the QU Chronicle. I also want to contribute to Montage, which is the student-run literary/art magazine that comes out at the end of the year. I have a lot poised on my plate for tomorrow, and with intentions of earning excellent grades as to secure my spot as an exchange student in the 2012 study abroad program!


I'm going to start working on a mother's day present. :)
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Time:10:46 am.
Music:Hallelujah, Rufus Wainright.

One of my favorite photographs that I took.
I took it outside in the Commons courtyard.

So I "officially" switched to, and I updated once yesterday. I vaguely like the overall look and layout of the setup there. However, today it won't let me log in. It logs me in to a different, older account I made when I was like 13. Hah! It seems as though all the signs are pointing to me just staying here at Blurty, even without a following.

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Friday, April 30th, 2010

Time:10:39 am.
Music:Airplanes, B.o.B. ft. Hayley Williams of Paramore & Eminem.
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

Hayley Williams has one of the most beautiful voices that I've ever heard. This is the only song I will currently listen to that isn't Classic Rock. Every other modern day Top 40 hit doesn't seem worthy enough to be played on my iTunes.

I'm contemplating a hefty move to Blogspot..
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Saturday, April 17th, 2010

Subject:You're gunna laugh
Time:10:23 am.
Music:Remembering Sunday, All Time Low.
It's been a while since I last updated, simply because I don't feel compelled to write here anymore. I had some followers for a while that were reading and responding, and it was nice and it was active, but now, because they are mostly gone, I don't really feel a compelling desire to come back here each day and write.

So now, I am mostly doing this for my own sanity and my own peace of mind.

Dynamics change a lot. Ever so much since my last entry. I still love everyone I wrote about, and I consider them all my best friends, but Reid and I have just been feeling like there is no group anymore. Friendships have been rather split up, and people's loyalties are in unexpected places.

I don't like my best friend's girlfriend. It comes down to that. And I've kind of refused to even put up with her anymore, so I think my friends are beginning to notice my significant absence when she's around. I spent all night last night in my room while everyone hung out together. And I'm fine with it.

I'm not coming back. I've done something so terrible, I'm terrified...
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Sunday, March 28th, 2010

Subject:(High on Life, not on Drugs, that is)
Time:3:24 pm.
Music:Catch, Death Cab.
I have been feeling so overwhelmed with positive things as of late. It just keeps getting better. I had this sort of epiphany-like moment similar to the one in "Perks of Being a Wallflower" by David Levithan. You know the part where the protagonist (his name escapes me) is sitting in his two best friends' truck, listening to the song on the radio "Asleep" by the Smiths, and he tells them both that he just feels so infinite?

I feel infinite. I felt infinite during my epiphany-like moment that really should have been like any other college freshman moment, but truly was much more.

We were walking back from Dunkin Donuts, enjoying the sunny yet chilly air of Spring, like we usually do on boring Saturdays. I was holding Reid's hand and Evan had his hands down his pants, chillin' sac as usual, Brian was chasing Amanda with a stick, and Kevin was cracking jokes. I just took a moment and looked around, at us, this crazy, motley crew, all walking in a line, and it just seemed like the closing scene of a movie to me.

It defined our friendship so perfectly. It was almost like, we got through the year. We survived freshman year. And now we have no idea what could possibly lie ahead, but we'll always have each other, even if dynamics in the group change, like how the first time we walked to Dunks I was alone and Reid was alone, and now we were together, holding hands, in love. I feel so overwhelmed with friendship.

End movie scene.
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Friday, March 26th, 2010

Subject:My Life Saver
Time:3:14 pm.
Music:Overboard, Justin Bieber.
I'm finding it really difficult to upkeep this thing. There is so much life going on, it's hard to remember Blurty. I'm trying though, I promise.

Life has been incredibly eventful as of late; St. Patrick's Day I climbed the mountain in the state park twice. Two days later we all went again and Reid climbed the face, fell 15 feet, and we called the fire department to rescue him. We were all on the news and all. It was a gnarly experience; terrifying but exhilarating all the same.

Sophomore rooming has been difficult, leaving Amanda and I as orphans and victims to bitchiness. We've finally got it figured out now. We're hoping with our lotto number of 65, we'll get New Village (preferably close to our boys, but it doesn't look as though it's going to be that way).

Other than these little physical things, I feel like I'm growing emotionally. I really am just in love with my life. I couldn't have any qualms if I tried. I am just so happy.


KP, I wish I was as cool as you.
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Monday, March 15th, 2010

Subject:Back in Black
Time:8:23 am.
Back in the Blurtysphere! Took some time off of course due to spring break and the fact that Reid and I went vacationing in the beautiful Fort Lauderdale, Florida! We had a great time; beaching it every day, I finally saw Avatar, and visited the museum of art that my Great Aunt Loretta works at as a docent.

What a wonderful spring break. But all of a sudden the weather on the east coast has decided to be really rainy and boring and moody...

And it's making me feel as though today is a Movie Day! :D
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Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Time:12:32 pm.
Music:Sunday - Sia.
Wait, I realized I was not done. My last update, that was pretty juvenile, you know, worrying about appearance and whatnot. I like to think I contain a little bit more depth than that. What I really wanted to write about today was me. (That sounds so conceited, but this is a true philosophical quest for discovery).

I want to know what I did exactly... [this is coming off as conceited and/or cliche, but I promise to you it isn't meant to. these are serious questions and thoughts] What I did exactly to make so many people, well, love me(?) In my earlier years of high school, I always felt like no one liked me, loved me, or would ever want to date me. My mother always told me I was pretty, not to worry about boys' current level of immaturity. I still felt so self-conscious around boys. My first real boyfriend was not until the summer before junior year, and I remember thinking I was so behind everyone else.

And then I look at the facts of my life. There's the boy that constantly comes back into my life, swearing he's in love with me, that'd he'd give up the drugs he takes daily for me - the one I try desperately to upkeep a friendship with for there is no desire to be in a relationship with him and also for fear he will do something terrible otherwise. Then there's the firsty; both the longest relationship I've thus far maintained and the most confusing because I really do not understand how we were together for a year comfortably. I feel like I don't even know him and I never did. Then there's the boy who ruined me - the one I really fell in love with, suddenly back in my life after I shut him out so much, begging, proclaiming he still loves me, telling me he was so wrong and still is an asshole for letting me leave. That I am special. That I deserve every happiness. Then there's Jay... again, swearing I'm special.

How do they know that? How could they all possibly agree I'm special? I'm just. I'm just me. I don't do anything of great interest. I just... kind of live. I feel like a storybook character everyone's fighting for. I think I want to fight for myself.
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Subject:Help, I have done it again
Time:12:29 pm.
Music:Breathe Me, Sia.
Sometimes I wake up groggy and find myself in an instant mood. 99.9% of the time, the weather plays a huge factor in this. This morning I awoke for my 8 am, saw the snow, and immediately and subconsciously decided the mood of the day.

Then I got the fuck over it.

Seriously; way to be negative? I came back from class, showered, did my hair very nicely, and put on my nicest blouse. When you look good, you feel good. Even if you are insecure, feeling a little bloated today, noticing the thighs, or even if your hair just is not cooperating with that of the weather. Look good, feel good.

So now I feel good.
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Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

Time:11:12 am.
Music:Bittersweet Symphony, The Verve.
My friend Sal is the drummer and co-lyricist of a band called Voted Most Random. Check them out on Myspace and/or Facebook if you like, but promotion of their musical intentions is not my purpose for mentioning this. I meant Sal while leaving the library one day, where he randomly accosted me, pointing out the fact that I wore a Nikon around my neck... He insisted he wasn't hitting on me, he just was curious as to whether or not I enjoyed photography.

I told him yes and he told me the predicament with the band. They needed promo pics for their upcoming show in New York. I said I'd do it. We became instant friends.

So I eventually show up at a time that's both convenient for myself and the other members, and we end up climbing Sleeping Giant Mountain and taking promo pics. These are a few of my favorites.



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Monday, March 1st, 2010

Subject:Hey Bulldog
Time:1:03 pm.
Music:Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown), The Beatles.
The Beatles sound so soothing right now. Today is a better day than was the weekend. I've found my happy place and have landed in a much better mood than I've been as of late. Faith and I finally got lunch today, did some nice, much-needed catching-up, and it felt really reassuring to know we still can function as a friends after all this time apart. Seriously, she only lives across campus. I really should make more of an effort to hang out with her, especially because she's so genuinely damn nice.


Since I am a creature of visual necessity, and also that I've been awarded with a ridiculous, random mind, I think from now on I'll post interesting, random pictures with each entry. That's basically what I've been doing anyway. But consider this an official proclamation of my intentions. ;)

Since I have been low on money lately (as a college freshman working on a constantly depleting budget, discovering the ups and downs of purging all of her available money on clothes, food, and booze) I decided I either become a Mark. representative and sell Avon products online or become a stripper. And since I haven't big enough size tits for the latter, Avon was the way to go. If you would like to purchase anything... let me know? I'll provide the link. It would really help me out and I swear I'll put the money to better use than say, oh, a bottle of Grey Goose. ;)


Well doesn't this define my life in a perfect little cliche nutshell?
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Sunday, February 28th, 2010

Time:5:20 pm.
Music:Come on Get Higher, Matt Nathanson.
Love can and will make you crazy. It will make you be a bitch. It will make you hate, though it shouldn't. Love isn't easy and neither is happiness. Happiness is a choice; that requires effort. I think I read that somewhere once.

I sent this text message to an ex-boyfriend of mine last night as he proceeded to tell me how much he missed me and even though my happiness killed him, he wished me the best happiness ever:

"I am happy, like I said But it's hard sometimes to be happy. You make sacrifices. You put up with bullshit. Don't regret it; if it didn't happen I wouldn't be so in love right now. I realize that does nothing for you, but we were a dead end."

He: "I'm sorry. I don't have any. I miss someone deep and layered and interesting, I miss you. And I don't want to say that because it makes me look stupid. I'm not trying to get you to say anything, but I really hope what you have, half-way or not, makes you happy."

That meant so much to me that he feels that way. Thank you. Happiness requires effort at times, remember.
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Saturday, February 27th, 2010

Subject:I'm falling to pieces
Time:9:54 pm.
Music:Break Even, The Script.
What the FUCK happened to me? I am acting like a crazy psychopath. Everything I do turns to shit, everything I say is suddenly offensive. I have an attitude. I am constantly upset. I am confusing the SHIT out of Reid. I'm being a straight-up bitch. I am finding comfort in no one, no words, no lyrics. I am made of stone.

I'm so jumbled. Visions are changing and I'm scared shitless of this. People come along and others who have been by your side... what about them? I'm terrified that last night ruined everything for us. I've been so weird lately and though I realize this and acknowledge it, I can't seem to fix it.

'Til then, beer and out for the night; it didn't help last night and I doubt it will tonight either.
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Friday, February 26th, 2010

Time:4:06 pm.
Music:What Goes On, The Beatles.
A Day In the Life, right now, by The Beatles, sounds like Love if Love were a sound. It's the most soothing thing ever, leaking into my ears. I think I'll run through - rather, stroll through - the whole Rubber Soul album. I've nothing better to do on this lazy, snowy Friday afternoon. My one class today was cancelled, so I've sat idle since I woke up around 1pm.

Idle isn't exactly fair. I did do an important set of wash, created our new Springy bulletin board for our dorm door (It's Strawberry Fields themed and of course I will post pictures after my Nikon's next import), and I also had some nice conversations with old friends from back home.

Baby, you can drive my car.

One of my individual character flaws is my inability to cope with people immersed in negative moods. I myself have my many moments, yet when others fall under the negative spell, I can't handle it. It's really selfish. It's as though I get upset at others for being unhappy because they're spoiling my own chance at happiness.

I am not one for those freaky, suspenseful kind of movies (my mom is one of those that garner a wicked kind of enjoyment from them) but I do recommend Shutter Island to all. I saw it last night with Amanda, Brian, Kevin, and Reid and though I was on edge the whole time and left in a minor stupor when it ended, it was really something brilliant.
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Thursday, February 25th, 2010

Time:9:26 am.
Today I briefly wondered if the benefits of deleting my Facebook would be more overwhelming than the ramifications of it.

John Mayer... indescribable; literally, I have no words. I'll get back to you on this aspect of my life when I form coherent sentences again.
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Blurty for stephanie.

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