[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Wednesday, May 14th, 2003|
i hate to say it but i am so jealous of pre. i hate it that she has this new guy in her life. i mean i don't hate it, it's about time. she has never even been in love, so i'm really happy for her i a sense. it's just so hard to be happy for her when i am so freaking miserable right now. ok, i have not had a boyfriend in two years. every guy that i have dated has either been a loser or else he has had to move away b/c of hockey or something stupid like that. i hate my life today.
on top of that i am gaining God knows how much weight. i can't fucking look in the mirrow without wanting to chop off my head. i talked to steven yesterday online, he said i could call him whenever, that's nice of him. yeah i really want to go out with him again so i can spend the whole date trying to get him to take his hands off of me. ugh. i hate horny guys, they are such a turn off. well at least, when you are not horny back haha.
i turned in my anthroplogy paper today, it was a joke as usual. this semester my luck has run out. i am no longer able to pull of the good grades with little or no effort. that sucks for me b/c i am still not putting in any more effort into school. i hate it. and i am so not looking forward to my summer school semester...........jsdflksjdflkjsdklfjsdlf
not even journalism, pre is in that class right now and i see how much work it is. and i want to do that for the rest of my life??? hahah, who knows. i just want to marry a band guy or a hockey player and be happy. fuck this shit sucks, i need to start praying a lot. something good needs to happen to me soon. shit fuck ksdfjlaksfjklsdjfkl
Current Mood: jealous
Current Music: john mayer
|Monday, May 12th, 2003|
so yeah, i can't tell pre about barda, she doesn't want to hear it. what else is new...i know where she is coming from i don't want to hear about kell at all. i don't hear about him actually. everytime she says something about him i blow it off. she knows it, she knows i blow him off. everyone else is all into him and how she feels about him but i am not. i don't buy her soulmate thing, i know that she got obsessed with him but no, i don't think they are soulmates at all. i know that she really cared for him but everything they ever shared was purely sexual. that's all. he never cared about her, he didnt even want to fuck her all the time, she doesn't realize that. or maybe she does, but either way she doesn't want to face it that what "they" had was nothing more than sexual, she has made it out to be something out of this world. something that people should live up to, like you don't know what it is to love unless you feel the way that she felt about kell, HAHAHAHAHAHA. please, give me a fucking break.
how can she ever think that what i feel for barda is less than what she feels for kell? i have spent three and a half years loving this kid, she spend like three nights with kell, what the fuck is that? she doesn't give me any credit. just b/c i didnt fall madly in love with barda the first time i talked to him, and i didn't think that he was my soulmate right away does not mean that what we felt for eachother is anything less that what she felt. i know that the love that we have for one another is so much more than anything that she has ever felt, more than what so many people have felt. we are like passed so many levels now that i don't even know what we are now. i do know that we are not together though, and we probably wont ever be together again.
i dont even want to think about that now. i'm so sick of thinking about it. it's been over two years now that this bull shit has been going on. i have not been right for over two years b/c of him. oh man, what a loser. you think that i'd have found someone by now.
Current Mood: whateva
Current Music: frank sinatra
rush to the start
i've been wanting something like this for a long time. seeing as how i've had a diary for about ten years now, i love doing this kind of stuff. i just hate having to actually write in my diary. especially since i don't do it that often and when i get around to doing it, so much shit has happend that i can't get it all in there. so i just got home from work. precila is still at work. she wants me to make her a copy of the aimee allen cd and some of the taking back sunday songs. blah i don't feel like it. she can do it herself, she is home a lot more than i am anyway. i want to take a nap, eat, and then maybe do some homework, haha, yeah right.
i was getting kind of sad about barda again. like a fucking idiot as usual. i was listening to the scientist by coldplay all afternoon long. i just love making myself sad don't i, idiot. "tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, oh and i'll rush to the start" KILL ME!!!!!!! that has to be the saddest song that i've heard. although my immortal by evanesence or whatever the fuck they are called gives it major comp. i have to check my email brb. i really hope that i can keep up with this, online is so much easier for me...