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|Saturday, February 3rd, 2007|
|The Eric that I miss...
A couple of years ago, I lost a friend. Quite literally because I didn't like Star Wars enough (it's no secret that it's not exactly my favourite series). Yeah, I'm serious. The thing is, this guy was one of my closest friends for about 10 freaking years, and, during the darker times of my relationship with Brandy, practically my only
friend. I miss him. I know he hates me. A 'mutual friend' stopped being so last fall simply because he had defended me in a conversation between the two. He later drove to said friend's house, hit him in the mouth, and left again. I may not fully understand how a simple movie series can move a person to such a degree after ten years of knowing how much (or little) I cared about it, but he definitely still bears ill will against me. Reconciliation is not really an option.
It's been two years since he decided only Star Wars fans were deserving of his friendship (he called me a 'fundamentalist', because I wasn't hyped up to see Episode III--which ended up being the only one of the series that I -liked-, not that he ever got to hear), and I'm sure he's no closer to "forgiving me" than he ever was, but I miss him. Yeah, I know this whole thing paints him as better off left on his way, but, I could completely drown out this entire story about him with others about how nice he used to be, and all the caring, selfless things he'd done for me, over the years, esp. while I was still under Brandy's dark shadow. And that's the Eric that I miss.. Current Mood: melancholy
|Thursday, February 1st, 2007|
No News is Good News, Right?
So, yeah, I've gone long enough without so much as coming here that some people have literally just given up on me, and written me off as a loss. To be honest, I can understand them doing that. I'm really not worth any sort of effort. Not trying to throw a pityparty or anything, just choosing to be honest with you.
The truth of the matter is that I tried -really- hard to change how crappy my life has gotten in this past uh.. YEAR and had thought that I had cast enough lines out in enough different aspects of my life that -something- had to pan out, and things would turn to incorporate those changes, accordingly. But, it would seem that the only thing that has changed in the last few weeks is my realization that this is just how things are going to be for me, from here on out. Trust me, it feels much more depressing than it sounds. It's almost like that episode of The Simpsons, when Bart gives it his all to pass the 4th grade, only to find out that his best wasn't good enough, except, you know, minus his last-minute extra credit that made it 'all better'. This is as 'all better' as I can expect things to get for the forseeable future, and, given that, I think you can understand why I was hesitant to share such things here. My friends really care about me, and given how little else I have in life besides them, I'd like them to think they're making a difference, and that there's still hope in my heart for me to succeed. I feel I owe them this lie, after all they have done for me.
I go through the motions of continuing to 'try', because I don't know of anything else to do with my time, but I no longer believe it will ultimately make a difference. If this upsets you, I'm sorry. Like I said, I'm not looking for pity or even sympathy, at this point. If I were, there'd be twenty-odd other posts in front of this one, from all the time I've been absent out of lack of anything 'decent' to say. In fact, most of my RL friends don't even get this reprieve of honesty. I'm just choosing to say so here, because I know they won't read this and start feeling bad.
Anyways, I may continue to update this journal, I may not. If I do, I will not be unduly upset if you're no longer reading it, any of you.
|Tuesday, January 16th, 2007|
My mind unravels a bit...
|Friday, December 8th, 2006|
Yeah, so I fell off the face of the earth (again). I really don't know what to say about it. Kind of hard to update with "yeah, life still sucks so much ass, I wish I could take the coward's way out", entry after entry. Because, well, life still sucks so much ass.....
Anyways, yeah, there's some new things going on in my life, none really worth noting, tho, and yeah, there are some things that could prolly make worth interesting discussion and all, but well, I get tired of thinking about those things.
I'm not depressed. I'm just... tired. Of absolutely everything. I spend my days feeling weary and drained, and my nights alone and well, exhausted.. I talk to a few people, now and again, to make sure I don't completely hermitize myself, but not really about anything important. Hell, two months since my last entry, and I can't come up with anything worth talking about.. :(
Anyways, I'll try to start dropping by a bit more often, esp. to at least read entries off my 'friends' page, but, I wouldn't go depending on anything interesting signed by yours truly, any time soon. I just wish I wasn't so god-damned tired all the time, or that -any- of the 'exciting' stuff going on in my life didn't just require even more work.. Current Mood: stressed
|Friday, October 6th, 2006|
|Monday, September 25th, 2006|
So that my most recent update isn't quite the little soapbox episode of my last entry; another survey-thingy, stolen from absolutelyjessa
(who stole it from notpretending
List 10 musical artists you like, in no specific order (do this before reading the questions below)!
3)Guns and Roses
7)The CureWhat was the first song you ever heard by 6?:
Round Here. Was while I was at my gf's house, back when MTV played videos, . What is your favorite album of 8?:
Knowing Is Half the HassleWhat kind of impact has 1 left on your life?
In one of my earliest entries in this journal I talk of the soul-searching I was doing at the time, and the severe (positive) impact hearing the right ICP song at the right time caused. It literally changed me.What is your favorite lyric of 5?:
I literally spent close to an hour on this one, and couldn't come up with a 'favourite lyric' of Johnny Cash's, then I went to explain why, and rambled on for two paragraphs. Next, I posted a lyric from The Cure, instead. Deleted that, too. You get nothing. :p That's what you get from reading the journal of a Libra.How many times have you seen 4 live?:
I've only seen about 4 of those bands live, and Ween, unfortunately, was never one of them. They were in the movie "Pat", tho. No, "Pat" is not worth watching just to see Ween in it. They were obviously high when they agreed to be in it.What is your favorite song by 7?:
Oh, man, after the question before last, I'm sitting here, wondering why I don't listen to The Cure more often, anymore.. I guess out of all of them, Just Like Heaven is the one most likely to get me warm inside when I hear it.Is there a song of 3 that makes you sad?
Yes. :(What is your favorite lyric of 2?
At least I know the answer to this one. "Why can't we not be sober? /I just want to start this over. /Why can't we drink forever? /I just want to start things over."What is your favorite song by 9?:
It's the End of the World (and I Feel Fine). No contest. you might even be able to remove the words "by 9" and still have that be a true statement.When did you first get into 1?
Riddlebox. Fall of 1997. Wow, 9 years ago. How did you get into 3?:
I 'got into them' listening to them in Junior High, like every other teen at the time, that wasn't into retarded crap like NKotB or drug-induced 'classic' rock. I sank into fandom and never came back, the first time I heard November Rain.What is your favorite song by 4?:
these are starting to get repetitive.. But Waving My Dick in the Wind is my favorite Ween song, and, before you dismiss it because of its title, it's a really catchy song. How many times have you seen 9 live?:
Twice. After Monster and after Up. Would have been more, but every time since, I don't find out they're even coming until a week or four after they're done and gone.. Both times, tho, still count as some of the best days I've ever had. What is a good memory concerning 2?:
True story. I had started staying at a friend's house, and had turned on the tv. For whatever reason, it was on Mute, but I was still channel-surfing. I landed on Mtv, and in about three seconds, without any sound, label, or anything, managed to go "Oh, man!!! A new Tool video!!! This rocks!! (where's the mute button on this thing?)" I love Tool. And, yes, they have the coolest videos, ever.Is there a song by 8 that makes you sad?:
Not really, no. Maybe Cookie Breath, but it's my favorite song of his, too.What is your favorite song of 1?:
"Thy Unveiling". It was the song refered to in the previous question about ICP.How did you become a fan of 10?
Listening to "Black #1", sitting in Chicken's basement, nursing my wounds from Dawn (weirdly enough, yes, "the same Dawn", despite this being in 1998, not 2006). Sucks to end this survey on such a note, but thems the facts.
|Saturday, September 23rd, 2006|
I had noticed that it's been the better part of a month since I've updated here, and I think I've finally figured out why it's been getting rarer and rarer for me to even bother to keep up with my 'friends' here...
It is very frustrating to have a 'friend' listed, because you respect them and what they have to say, or at least, how they say it, only to find out that, when you want to say something back, you can't, because they don't have you listed as a 'friend', and require that for you to speak. I understand I'm not everybody's friend. I'm not that cool of a guy. I understand that I, myself, don't update very often, and people may not see me as 'worth it' .But, as those of you that I talk to know, I do (well, did) come here often, I'm just much more of a 'comment on your journal', than a 'talk a bunch in mine' kind of guy. So, if I can't say or comment on -anything- in your journal, even just to let you know I exist and want to be added, what's the freaking point of posting non-private? Honestly? I can't comment on what you have to say, I can't let you know that I'd like to comment on what you have to say, why the fuck
have me able to even read your journal in the first place?? I know I'm prolly coming off as whingey, but this has gotten to the point that I literally have more people updating my 'friends' page that I can't respond to, than I do people with whom I can.
As of right now, if I can't post any comment whatsoever on your journal, consider yourself off of my 'friends' list, and a bit of an asshole, to boot. If that leaves me with five people in my 'friends' list, well, at least those are five people I can still talk to. If this takes me off of your friends list, hey, you obviously didn't want me talking to you, anyways. And, come to think of it, it's very unlikely you're even reading this, regardless.
< /rant> Current Mood: irritated
|Monday, September 4th, 2006|
I just got fired from my job for the most retarded reason ever. Essentially, it was for correcting a female manager for calling me "sweetheart", repeatedly.. Yeah, I'm serious. I'm fucking unemployed and totally fucking-ass screwed because I wouldn't let a female manager refer to me as 'sweetheart'.
Edit: The little note above didn't tell the full story. Here is a ( slightly longer version )
|Friday, August 25th, 2006|
|Life is Shitty.
So, I haven't even been here in a good while, let alone given you guys any kind of update.. I just.. I don't know, I think I've been really depressed, and looking around at different entries in my friends list, I'm apparenty not the only one. 2006 has just been such an incredibly shitty year that I've basically given up on trying to have anything good come out of it. I know that's a poor attitude to take, and, quite frankly, rather contrary to my nature, but it pretty much sums up the truth of things. I don't talk to Dawn, anymore. Even on the rare occasion that I see her online, I don't even bother to say 'hi'. It's like, it just feels better to not open that wound, anymore, regardless of how I might still feel about her. It's better to just leave it all in the dark and let her walk away.
All the court shit with my son and his mother is waiting on me to get up the gumption to push it all further; the courts really don't care as long as I come up with the money (that I literally don't have), and she's never going to change. I knew that way back in 2001, when I took her back for a couple of months, just so I could see him a bit longer. I just feel so much like I'm swimming upstream in a very large river. It's hard to try and push it all again, knowing how little ground, if any, you've gained this far..
Not only do I still not have a 'real job', after what? 7 months now? but the frozen custard stand that I do work at will be closing for the season in about a month and a half, leaving me without any income at all, if I haven't found -something-, which is starting to look pretty unlikely, at this point..
What is it about life that, no matter where you are in it, you look back at some other time in your life that felt just as shitty at the time and go "yeah, but things were better, then.."? I remember being a teenager, thinking about how shitty things were, and missing being young and vibrant and not filled to the brim with angst and relationship pangs. I remember being 21 and missing being a teenager and so free and able to hang out with anybody. I remember being 25, and missing the dating life and social activities that I did when I was 20. Now, I'm a month from 28, my life is shitty, and I miss still having a couple of years to go before I officially counted as 'not amounting to anything' or 'should -be somewheres- with his life'.. Soon, I'll be 35, and I'm quite certain that my life will be shitty and make me long for the days I could spend an entire day off on the computer, thinking about life and writing about it in a journal, where friends of mine would actually read it and sympathize. Current Mood: crappy
|Monday, August 14th, 2006|
I need someone to buy me a drink. My life really sucks, and I can't seem to be able to do anything about it.
Current Mood: :(
|Saturday, August 5th, 2006|
||std took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!|
Click here to read his results.
|Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006|
|Saturday, July 29th, 2006|
Happy (Belated) Birthday zero_love
! Sorry I missed it!
|Thursday, July 13th, 2006|
you know, it's always when you're computer's down for like, a month, that you seem to go through the most changes that are worth talking about on someplace like this... Of course, that could explain how fixing said computer became low enough priority to have taken a month for me to get around to fixing... Regardless, I will do my best to update those of you still interested in my life:
I met a girl. Well, a woman. She was awesome, sweet, fun to be around, incredibly hot, and, unfortunately, slightly too married for my tastes. :( She still makes for a good friend, and her husband's not such a horrible guy, either. No, I'm not the kind of guy that would risk usurping a marriage (not a good one, anyways), but it's still nice to think about when you know that a very attractive woman is infatuated with you, available or otherwise..
I've gotten to the 'second interview' stage with one of the jobs I've been pursuing in my seemingly never-ending quest for another 'real job'.. It all just goes so freaking slow with these places, it's a wonder that anybody manages to survive long enough to gain employment there at all.. I still haven't gotten to interview #1 at Charter. This place seems decent enough, tho, despite being in East St. Louis, which means a move (to Belleville, most likely), or a horrid commute (Yay, I've been on the MetroLink, now I can no longer say I've never been on a train!) across the MLK bridge during both rush hours.. Hey, for what they're offering, if I get the job, I'll take it.
I've written someone out of my life that I truly cared about. I didn't want to, Lord knows I still cared about her (Dawn), but, well, with all that I'm doing to try and get my own life back together, I just didn't have anything left to give to fixing whatever it was that was wrong with our friendship/relationship/whatever it was.. I feel guilty and I feel bad, but, things just got too stressed between us for me to try and keep it up while juggling so much else right now. I guess it just wasn't going to happen. Maybe she'll forgive me, likely she won't. Either way, I'll still survive, best I can.
I finally got the van paid off that was stolen from me back in Feb. It's a nice burden to have lifted, and if it wasn't replaced by even more serious ones (that I'll get around to discussing at a later date, be assured), I'd be sitting a lot easier, even with my current stop-gap job at the ice-cream stand. Johnny's even offered to help me obtain a replacement vehicle, now that I'm square with him, but it's another luxury that I just can't squeeze in, right now.. Maybe in a month or two.
I did manage to quit smoking, just like I said I would. It even happened pretty much like I said it would, opened a pack, lent more out than I smoked, and the next day, just didn't even feel like having one.. it's been a good five weeks or so, now, and I haven't so much as had another one out of that pack. I just never could stick with smoking.. Maybe in a year or two I'll end up picking it up again, who knows.. I'm such a quitter. :p
I went through some sort of weird nesting phase there for a while. I don't know if it was depression of sorts, general stress, or just a desire to change my surroundings (or some amalgamation of the three), but I ended up just spending like, all my free time for over a week, just throwing out stuff I had kept since gradeschool, stuff that had even survived multiple bouts of homelessness, rearranged my room in its entirety, and cleaned like I don't think I've cleaned before.. :p
My Sattelite is fixed, not that I could really say I've noticed, given the amount of tv that I actually watch in a given week, my A/C is finally fixed (which I -definitely- noticed), as of just today, and I finally got my checkbook/paypal/etc stuff all sorted out. I've had some new, serious problems crop up to replace the old, serious problems that I've managed to tack down a bit, but, that's another discussion I just don't feel like having at this juncture. Just leave it at things are rough for everybody, and I'm certainly not going to be an exception to that rule anytime soon.
At any rate, I suppose that's a long enough update for now. Talk to you guys, later. Current Mood: tired
|Tuesday, June 13th, 2006|
Hey, my computer's down again, so don't be too surprised if you don't hear from me very often in the next couple of weeks (like I talk -so much- when things are going okay..).
Oh, and the whole Dawn thing seems to finally exploded all nice and done-with-ey. So, at least I don't have that to stress out over, anymore.
|Tuesday, May 30th, 2006|
Stolen from absolutelyjessa
1. Are you in a relationship?
The hell if I know.
2. Do you hate more than 3 people?
Not unless you're counting Creed.
3. How many houses have you lived in?
Countless. Or, at least, I've
4. What is your favorite candy bar?
Tie between Kit-Kat and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
5. What are your favorite shoes?
All I ever wear are black work shoes (of the sneaker variety, I guess).
6. Have you ever tripped someone?
I am much of the practicality humour.
7. What was your least favorite class?
Economics. Boring as shit
8. What was your favorite subject this year?
Haven't been to school in a decade.
9. Do you own a Britney Spears CD?
No. I do own embarassing CD's, tho (Mmmbop, anyone?), thanks to a Monster Rancher addiction in my past..
10. Have you ever thrown up in public?
Not that I can remember.
11. Name something that's always on your mind?
12. What is your favorite music genre?
I like quite a few -very- varied genres. Anything with a lot of energy to it prolly appeals to me (except swing. Ughh).
13. What is your sign?
Um, duh? *points to name*
14. What time were you born?
Long, long ago..
15. Do you like beer?
Not really. I do like to drink, I just don't care much for beer.
16. Have you ever made a prank call?
I've recieved prank calls before; I try to take them in good humor (*at the bowling alley I once worked* "Do you have 16 lb balls?" "Yeah, I can barely walk..").
17. What is the most embarrassing CD you own?
See #9. Monster Rancher made me do bad, bad things...
18. Are you sarcastic?
19. What are your favorite colors?
Lavender, certain shades of dark pink, most pastels.
20. How many watches do you own?
21. Summer or winter?
Snow blanketing the earth in frosty goodness, or sweating like a dog (and smelling like one, to boot)... Hmm.. I wonder.
22. Spring or fall?
Both, but for different reasons.
23. What is your favorite color to wear?
I wear a lot of dark grey.
24. Coke or Sprite?
25. What color is your cell phone?
Uh, I'll let you know if I ever *shudder* get one.
26. Where is your second house?
Right next to my jet plane and my immortality potion.
27. Have you ever slapped someone?
Maybe in jest, who knows? Not seriously, tho, definitely.
28. Have you ever had a cavity?
Prolly. I'm one of those sorts that doesn't see a professional until something's broke.
29. How many lamps are in your bedroom?
One. I really like it, tho. It's one of those 'touch' ones you can just reach over and hit to shut off. I love that.
30. How many video games do you own?
:p Fuuuuck.. Uh, more than 2? Yeah, definitely more than 2.
31. What was your first pet?
had some pet chickens when I was -really- small, cat named "Smokey" was the earliest one I remember, tho (I was about 3)
32. Have you ever had braces?
34. Do you use Chapstick?
35. Name 3 teachers from your school.
Hmm.. Mr. Zimmerman, Mr. Sappington, and um.. That Other Guy.
36. American Eagle or Abercrombie?
Who? You mean, from that song a couple of years ago? ;)
37. Are you too forgiving?
Possibly. Or possibly others just aren't forgiving enough.
38. How many children do you want?
Yeah, that's a bit of a touchy subject for me, seeing as I don't get to be with the one I have. I do love kids, tho.
39. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
Don't -think- so.
40. What is your favorite breakfast?
Biscuits and Gravy (and maybe scrambled eggs on the side).
41. Do you own a gun?
42. Have you ever thought you were in love?
You'd be surprised. I know I was.
43. When was the last time you cried?
Prolly about a month or so ago.
44. What did you do 3 nights ago?
Feel really down about not being invited to Mara's B-day party.
45. When was the last time you went to Olive Garden?
Never been there.
46. Have you ever called your teacher mom?
47. Have you ever been in a castle?
48. What are your nicknames?
Puppy is the only nickname I currently find myself being called. Well, that, and the short version of my real name.
49. Do you know anyone named Bertha?
50. Have you ever been to Kentucky?
Yes. Don't play in Magic tournaments there; they cheat (and the judges let them).
51. Do you own something from Banana Republic?
52. Are you thinking about somebody right now?
Did you really expect me not to be?
53. Have you ever called someone Boo?
Yes, but that was his nickname.
54. Do you smoke?
Almost quit today, in fact. Will likely do so very soon.
55. Do you own a diamond ring?
56. Are you happy with your life right now?
No. It's been worse, tho.
57. Do you dye your hair?
Sometimes, but not currently.
58. Does anyone like you?
*eats more worms*
59. What year were you born?
Reagan was in office.
60. What were you doing May of 1994?
Having sex for the first time.
61. Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD?
62. McDonald's or Wendy's?
If I have to go to one, I'd much rather go to Wendy's.
63. Do you like yourself?
:P sure, why not? I'm a decent guy.
64. Are you closer to your mother or father?
Well, seeing as I haven't spoken to my father in just under a decade, I'd have to go with 'mother' on this one..
65. Favorite feature of the opposite sex?
66. Are you afraid of the dark?
Used to be when I was younger.
67. Have you ever eaten paste?
68. Do you have a webcam?
It's broken (and staying that way)
69. Have you ever stripped?
Don't ask questions you don't really want answers to.
|You Are 60% Cynical|
Yes, you are cynical, but more than anything, you're a realist.
You see what's screwed up in the world, but you also take time to remember what's right.
|You Are 6% Fake|
Fake doesn't even come close to describing you.
You're totally natural, and proud of who you really are!
|You Are Iceman|
You tried to live a normal life, but it just wasn't possible
A bit of a slacker, you rather tell jokes than cultivate your powers
Powers: turning self and others into ice, making ice weapons, becoming nearly invisible
|Monday, May 22nd, 2006|
So, um, yeah..
I don't even pretend to know what it is that's going on between Dawn and I. I'm sure it'll only end in disaster, whatever the hell it is. Every time I think I may have some inkling what the hell is going on, I seem to be proven completely wrong on the matter..
It's like, no, we're not 'back together', no, we're not going to get back together, but, outside of those two factors, the lines really tend to blur.. Hell, other than those two important pieces of information, you wouldn't think there even were any lines there to blur.. She spends the night over at my house. We go out to eat together, we hang out with friends together, we even had a -really- romantic time at the park, yesterday, that just left me dumbfounded
(followed by a night that would be hard to forget). Hell, I've spent more time with her this weekend than not with her..
I don't know. I don't get women. I really don't. And the more I think about trying to understand them, the more I realize that I'd have to end up every bit as batshit insane in order to be able to do it. Still, utter confusion aside, it is pretty nice. Even she admits to that.
Current Mood: e) all of the above
|Monday, May 15th, 2006|
cryptic answers are still answers. So is "I don't know".
Funny how all-sorted-out things can feel once you put them into the 'not quite sorted out, yet' catagory..
But, like I've said, I'd rather a 'I'm not sure, yet', than just plain confusion. If you have no clue what I'm talking about, well, sorry for being so cryptic. Read back a couple of posts, and you should be able to ken what it is in my head right now.
Current Mood: better (for now)
I hate mixed signals. I really do. I can understand a person may be unsure, or may simply change their mind on a subject, but I really hate mixed signals. I'm no good at them. Hell, I have a hard enough time with the really blunt hit-you-on-the-head signals.. Current Mood: confused