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Wednesday, August 13th, 2008
12:56 pm

you used to call me your dreamer,
and now i'm livin out my dreams.

time goes by so fast. i can see myself at all my ages. three in my crib screaming for my mom. six, having my brother teach me how to ride a bike without training wheels. eleven, sunbathing on my front lawn while my brother ran through the sprinkler. thirteen, my first boyfriend. my first kiss. tasting of cigaretts and lemonade. an awkward mix. fourteen, a year of boy troubles and finding who my real friends are. fifteen, my first love. from the first day i met him it was as if my life started all over. but instead of years going by, it was months. march, playing tag in the basebal field, and trying to learn how to play football. april, exploring the town, walking to places we have never been. finding ourselves. may, exploring eachothers bodies and boundaries. june, summer. laying with eachother in bed, talking about everything. understanding one another. july, spending every second with him, losing touch with me, and focusing on him. august, the fighting, the lies, the beatings. september, new year, another year older. a new year without him. although those months with him felt like a lifetime, it was only months. and from then on, my life has gone by in months as well. october, trick or treat. isolating myself. november, thanksgiving. be thankful? for what? december, even christmas didn't nock me out of my mood. january, parties, drugs, and drinking. february, hospitals. groups. therapy. march, april, may, june, hospitals and group homes. trying to figure out what is wrong with me. july, home at last. making new friends. starting over. leaving the past behind. august, it starts to come back. slowly at first, and then rapidly.

years went by so much faster when there wern't any big worries in your way. all three year olds have to worry about is getting fed. six through eleven, homework. thirteen, worrying about what outfit to wear. sixteen, whether life is worth it. how can three years change a person so much?

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