Melancholy's Blurty
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Melancholy's Blurty:

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    Thursday, February 19th, 2009
    8:13 pm
    Another day in the bleakness of eternity
    I finished the novel. It is being edited. I hope someday it will be published and that you will read it. Maybe you will forgive me then. What's to forgive though when you could care less if I am breathing or not. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate what I see. I have lost over twenty pounds and I am still not happy. It will take another ten before maybe I will look the way you would have wanted me to look. Maybe then I could hold my own in your eyes next to her twenty one year old figure. It's not like you will ever see me anyway, but just in case. I don't care if it is sick, I realize I am sick. I am destroyed. I want the pain to stop and I don't know how to make it. I can't talk to anyone anymore. I used up all of the sympathy that everyone has for me. I want to disappear like everything I loved has. I am worthless now. I want to reach out because I am lonely, but I can't imagine it... Even when I dated Todd after you left I would get wasted (funny how much life I destroyed that way) and cry about you while he was gone. The truth is, it still feels like cheating. It still makes my stomach turn. I am wrong to subject anyone to that. I wish you would have just rippepd my heart out wiht your bare hands because that's what you did anyway to me emotionally. I feel bad all day everyday. I never sleep well. You are in so many of my nightmares. There is no peace. I want you to see, to see the wreckage..... so I can see you just laugh at me and I can maybe start to hate you. I am just worthless flesh with big tits, blue eyes, and blonde hair. Everything else is rotten. Everything else is dead. All of this journal shit isn't helping, nothing helps. Don't worry... when I finish school I will leave this town and then you don't ever have to worry about seeing me (if you ever worried), I will disappear and fade out and you will never know.... never know what this has done.

    Current Mood: worthless
    Current Music: Your own disaster- Taking Back Sunday
    Monday, February 2nd, 2009
    11:20 pm
    It never gets easier or better
    Here I am. It's been over a year since we have spoken. I am still broken, still fucked up. It's ridiculous. I started writing a novel just to try to find closure. Over 30,000 words later, there is no relief. I cried so hard tonight for the first time in a long time. I've improved myself in so many ways. I am everything you always hoped that I would become and it is all too late. I try to be happy and proud for myself, but I miss you so much that I feel sick (probably because I am sick... sick in the head). I wake up every day and hope, and the hope never fully dies, that I will see you someday, that things will be ok. I try to imagine how you can hate me, how you can just leave me out of your life and I wish I never had because it destroys the good thoughts I have about myself. There is so much guilt inside of me for the things I have done. I am so lonely, but no one is you, no one ever will be. I was too young and the cut was too deep. I don't know if it's possible to recover. I wonder sometimes how you erased 10 years so fast, how you can just forget that I ever existed. I have you packed into a box on the top shelf in my closet. Ten years of my life sits in a box that sometimes I long to open, but am to destroyed to look at. I don't talk to anyone anymore about how fucked up I am about it. I don't even let them know that so many of my optimistic words are all just me lying to myself. My heart died the day you quit talking to me and it's never going to come back.

    Current Mood: morose
    Current Music: "Precious Things" Tori Amos
    Friday, January 2nd, 2009
    2:09 am
    I am sorry
    I am so sorry I was drunk all of the time. Really I am. I am sorry I took you for granted. I am sorry that I fucked things up so royally. I am sorry that I ruined our life together. I am sorry that I ruined any chance of us still being friends by coming over that night. I miss you so much. I don't even like sleeping anymore. You're always there in my dreams, but ther're never really ggod dreams and I wake up more fucked up than I was. If I could just go back and change it, I would. If I could I would cry at your feet and beg your forgiveness, but I am never going to get to see you again. I am never going to get to say I am sorry. I am never going to get the much needed forgiveness and closure I need. I don't know how I am ever going to learn to live with this.

    Current Mood: guilty
    Current Music: Black- Pearl Jam
    Monday, December 29th, 2008
    2:43 am
    I ruined my life
    He's gone. I have a DUI. I have no job. I am so beyond the point of rectifying shit that I might as well just lay down and die. I mean what's left? I lay in my own stupid bed that blanketed in every mistake I made just by drinking. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could tell him.... even if it meant a ton of I told you sos and mean words.... I just want him to know. I want to be able to make him see, but I am an idiot. Idiots don't get second chances, idiots don't deserve anything. That's where I am at. I suck at life and I ruined anything worthwhile I ever had.

    Current Mood: destroyed
    Monday, November 10th, 2008
    6:48 pm
    noone reads this so its safe
    Since I am lacking a journal, figured I would come here. I am so shattered. I don't even know what to make of myself anymore. My heart just breaks everyday. I feel out of place. I have made it 26 years and don't really have anything to show. I just wish I could understand what I did to deserve all of this shit. I look back on the mistakes I have made and they make me sick. There are so many things I could have prevented. I don't know what's wrong with me. Everyone has moved away and I am terribly lonely. It's just me, my broken heart, and my fucked up memories. All I can do is read books to try to escape. Even those hurt and break my heart. Everyone else is happy, everyone else is normal. Why can't I be too?
    Tuesday, March 21st, 2006
    12:02 pm
    The End
    So yesterday I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I broke up with Nick. I knew that it had to be done and I love the both of us far too much to let us make each other miserable for another 6 years or however long we would have put up with it. I felt terrible and in a way, I still do. I know this will take time to mend and plan on taking a couple of months to myself to straighten shit out. I told him that I knew he was going to hate me, but that I hope someday he won't and we can be friends. However I know deep down inside it is just wishful thinking. All of my friends clapped their hands and cheered. I got hugs and kind words and everyone kept saying how proud they were. It made me feel safe. However, when I went to go to sleep, those old guilty feelings and worries set in on me and I wanted to cry. It became real to me that we will never sleep next to each other again, we'll never kiss again, we'll never hold hands again, and in all realtiy... we'll probably never talk again. However I sucked it up and watched the 16 year old girl I was when this relationship started wave behind me as I walked forward and cast off all of the harsh words and mental/emotional abuse he has put me through in the past 6 years. Part of me longs for the person he was way back when in the days when we were best friends and he was still a nice and caring person, but that person is gone and all the wishes I could wish or tears I could cry or years I could waste is never bringing that person back. The truth of the matter is that I deserve better and we both deserve to be happy and we don't make each other happy. Life is too short and I am ready to start my new life where maybe I will be happy. I hope someday I run across Nick and he is so happy. I hope he finds someone that makes him want to treat them better than he treated me. I wish him nothing, but happiness and success. Anyway, the next couple of weeks are going to be rough since he has to find a place to live and I still have to live with him. Hopefully all will go well and peacefully. I have oubts for that though. I am going to need my friends now more than ever.

    Lyrics For Nick:



    "I Hope You Dance"

    By: Lee Ann Womack

    I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
    You get your fill to eat
    But always keep that hunger
    May you never take one single breath for granted
    God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
    I hope you still feel small
    When you stand by the ocean
    Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
    Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

    And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
    I hope you dance
    I hope you dance

    I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
    Never settle for the path of least resistance
    Living might mean taking chances
    But they're worth taking
    Lovin' might be a mistake
    But it's worth making
    Don't let some hell bent heart
    Leave you bitter
    When you come close to selling out
    Reconsider
    Give the heavens above
    More than just a passing glance

    And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
    I hope you dance
    (Time is a real and constant motion always)
    I hope you dance
    (Rolling us along)
    I hope you dance
    (Tell me who)
    I hope you dance
    (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
    (Where those years have gone)

    I hope you still feel small
    When you stand by the ocean
    Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
    Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

    And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
    Dance
    I hope you dance
    I hope you dance
    (Time is a real and constant motion always)
    I hope you dance
    (Rolling us along)
    I hope you dance
    (Tell me who)
    (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
    I hope you dance
    (Where those years have gone)

    (Tell me who)
    I hope you dance
    (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
    (Where those years have gone)
    Tuesday, December 27th, 2005
    3:23 pm
    New Poem
    The Great Illusionist

    by: me (c2005)

    His eyes held beauty and secrets.

    His arms were swords that decapitated my soul.

    I fell into the black hole inside his smile.

    It sucked out all of my self-control.

    His pretty words would tell me anything.

    It was everything I ever wanted to hear.

    Shock and awe under shimmer and glitz.

    Kisses were given to feed my fear.

    Now I'm here disposed and empty.

    He wrapped me up then flung me down.

    The Great Illusionist seized my heart and ran.

    Now he wears it as his crown.
    Wednesday, November 16th, 2005
    11:45 am
    Letter to S.O.S. (sack of Shit not someone special)
    So I am pretty anrgy and a little sad (not that you give a shit or have ever given a shit how I feel). I am strong though.. and soon you and all of your bullshit will be just an unpleasant memory in some forgotten corner of my mind. I retrace over what happened between us sometimes, looking for answers. I know better than to think that I can actrually make sense of any of the neurotic bullshit that you put me through. You are an excellent actor. I honestly believed that you were a nice, caring, unique, and decent person that had been through a lot of shit, but still came out on top with some sense of right and wrong and dignity. You were there when I was going through a terrible time in my life. What a beautiful facade. You were so good at being fake that I honestly bought into every single line of bullshit you fed me in the entire year and a half of knowing you. I believed your sob stories and ate it up when you told me how great, awesome, beautiful, and different I was. You said I shouldn't take people's shit, that I should stand up for myself. You said *N* was an asshole for what he did to me. Then, you go and put me through all the shit you told me not to put up with and were far more of an asshole than I could have imagined. I can't believe I ever listened to a word you said. I know better now though. You are one of those people who thrives on finding emotionally hurt people and toying with them as a sick form of entertainment. You never meant a word you said to me and I feel sorry for the people who actually trust you. I can't believe I tried to stay your friend. You were too much of a coward to tell me in person that you were ending things between us when we were seeing each other, and you couldn't come up with an honest answer as to why. I guess I wanted to be your friend because despite the fact that you lied to me and screwed me over (quite literally), I genuinely cared about you and wanted to believe you were a good person (my mistake). Remember the first time we really talked after you ended it? I told you that I was not going to bring up our relationship ever again and that you didn't have to explain anymore because it didn't matter anymore. I told you that if you didn't want to be my friend, all you had to do is say so and I would never bother you again. I told you I wanted your honesty and that I wouldn't yell or scream, that I would just walk away because I didn't want to waste my time trying to be friends with someone who didn't want me in their life (an boy did it tun out to be a HUGE waste of time). I gave you the easy out. Instead of being honest, you went on for 10 minutes about how it was all just a "miscomunication", that we "were cool", that things weren't akward, that you didn't think badly of me, and that we could be friends. I bought it hook, line, and sinker Then just this past week I call you and you scream and cuss at me for it. I was taken by surprise. After all hadn't we gotten along perfectly for the past few months? Hadn't we hung out on more than one occasion? All I ever talked to you about was how you were doing and what was new in your life (because for some reason I gave a damn) and never pressured you or clung to you or presented any shady behavior. You never showed any signs of being uncomfortable when we talked or when we were around each other. As a matter of fact at the Total Resignation show YOU were the one who came up to me to start a conversation. YOU were the one who was giving me hugs. I made a strict point out of not approaching you first because I didn't want to make you uncomfortable and figured if you really wanted to talk to me you would approach me (obviously logic doesn't work in scenarios involving you). The the other evening, you skate by me and blow me a kiss? Completely perplexing. If you wanted me to disappear and stop talking to you, those were probably not the best tactics you could have used. I am sure this is where you owuld say somethign like, "I was just tryign to be nice.." or whatever lame thing youw ould say ina addition to that to try to not look like a douche. However, there are plenty of ways of ignoring someone and not being mean as opposed to leading them on, faking the fact that you are friends with them, hugging them and a bunch of other nonsense. You should come with a warning label that says ***WARNING: Manipulative, Neurotic, Narcissistic Headcase, with moderate Commitmentphobia. Subject is likely to lie compulsively, sweet talk, play on your sympathy, and suck you dry. RUN BITCH RUN!*** I will make you a t-shirt if you want. I will pay for the silk screening and everything. I wonder how many girls you have done this to. I should have taken it as a sign when you were at my house and this girl kept calling and you wouldn't answer. When I asked you why you said, "She's a psycho and won't leave me alone." So I suggested that you pick up and tell her that you don't want to talk to her anymore. You said you had already done so at an earlier date. I doubt that now. You probably strung her along and lied ot her like you did me... and god knows how many others. You probably said the same shit when I would call you. Well newsflash... it is not someone's fault that they are trying to contact you when you are leading them on and pretending to be their friend because you have problems communicating like a normal human being or maybe you just like playing with people's heads that much. Anyway, you have nothing left to worry about. I will NEVER call you again. If I see you on the street I will be sure to look the other way, but I hope that you have become so insignificant that I don't notice you by then. You NEVER have to worry about me asking you how you are or giving a shit about your life again. So there ya go. This "bitch" will never call you again or communicate with you in any form... so don't worry your pretty little head about it. So I am going to wrap it up here. Have a nice life Joshua. I hope someday you learn how to communicate properly and how to have functional, normal relationships. I hope that you learn how treat people. I hope and pray you never do this to anyone else and noone does it to you (Because not even YOU deserve that). If by some chance we run into eachother at a show or through mutual friends do me a favor (it's the least you could do considering)... don't look at me, don't talk to me, stay the fuck away from me, and pretend I am not there because that's exactly what I will be doing when it comes to you. It was an experience knowing you, if I ever really knew you in the first place.
    Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
    2:57 pm
    Friends?
    So I was up at Bukkets waiting for my paycheck getting hammered. I got my paycheck and waited for my friend to show up, who ended up standing me up. So I start to walk home. I pass by *JC*'s house. I get the sudden urge to call him. So, against my better judgement, and with the help of being coompletely intoxicated, I call. It rings a couple of times and I am waiting for the typical no answer. Then, he picks up. My heart drops. We start talking and I ask, "So what are you doing?" He tells me he's at Walgreens. I tell him I am a block from there and we meet up. He takes me up into his apartment and we sit and shoot the breeze about nothing important. We talk about him taking the GED and I tell him I can help him with his math. He tells me he is going to my friend's band's show on the 18th at Thee Imperial. We laugh and I tell him all about the mundane events of my past 4 months that we haven't been speaking. He giggles and tells me I'm a "crazy ass" (joking of course) We both talk about our wanting to leave florida. It was a pleasant conversation. I walked him to work and he hugs me goodbye (so much better than the handshake that he gave me the last time we talked). So now I just have to play it cool. I would love for us to be friends. Granted I am still in love with him, but I know better than to get carried away in that. I just hope that this isn't setting me up for disappointment all over again.

    Current Mood: hopeful
    Current Music: "Burned With Desire" Armin Van Buren
    Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
    10:29 am
    I thought closure was supposed to feel good
    So, yesterday I was walking home from Bukkets after a few bloody marys (I was half smashed). As I am passing Mc Donalds... I see *JC* out of the corner of my eye in the parking lot less than two feet away from me. I keep walking like I don't see him. Half a block later, I turn around and start walking back. I had to get everything off my chest. So I get to the parking lot and he's there on his cell phone. I walk up behind him. He turns around and has this deer in hedlights look on his face. So he says to the person on the other end, "Hey let me let you go." Here's how it went
    *JC*: "Hey"

    me: drunken, heart racing, nervous little wave
    me: "So"

    *JC*: "so"

    me: "So why aren't you talking to me?"

    *JC*: "I didn't think you wanted me to. I thought you hated me"

    me: "I don't remember ever giving you the impression that I never wanted to speak to you again."

    *JC*: "Yes you did."

    me: "When?"

    *JC*: "That one night when we were sitting on the porch. Also, everyone keeps telling me that you hate me. They said that you were tripping one night and freaked out. They also said that you freaked out the night you left the message and that next time you saw me you were going to flip out on me."

    me: "Well, as for when I was tripping... yes I got very upset. They took me up to your work and I saw you and got upset. I was tripping though, so I think that was understandable. The night I left the message I was upset because *D* told me that he asked you if anything happened and that you said no and that you didn't care or give a phuck and whatever. As for hating you, I don't hate you even though I may say I do sometimes. I however have been very angry about what happened and don't think I am unjustified in being mad."

    (*JC* breaks in)
    "No your not"

    Me: "I am not mad that we are not together, I don't give a shit about that. I am mad that you knew my situation and all the shit I have been through and still did what you did. I am also very angry that we were friends for a year and you won't talk to me all because some phucked up shit happened."

    *JC*: "Well, I didn't tell *D* we slept together because I didn't think it was any of his business. I never said it the way he said I said it. I asked him the next day after you left the message if anyone had said anything and he said no. He probably was drunk and coked up anyway. All I have ever said was that I wanted to be just friends because I don't see you that way. It was just soemthing I thought I wanted and figured out I didn't"

    me: "Well, *D* did say it. When you say nothing happened it makes me look like a liar."

    *JC*:"Why what did you say?"

    me:"I said the truth... that you slept with me and pretty much never talked to me again."

    *JC*: "We talked afterwards."

    me: "Like one time. WHen you stopped talking to me it made me feel used and hurt."

    *JC*: "I have felt that way too." (should have asked him why)

    me: Look, you don't have to explain what happened anymore. It isn't what we're discussing. I mean all I want is your honesty. If you don't want to talk to me, if you don't want to be my friend, just say so... I will never call you again or bother you again. I don't want to sit and wonder when you don't answer your phone if your avoiding me or thinking bad shit about me. I am not crazy. I am not going to spend the next year asking you why or whatever. I am not going to scream at you. What happened between us is over and I accept that and have moved on. I don't see why we can't be friends. We have a lot in common, we get along well."

    *JC*: "I don't think you're crazy, I don't think bad things about you or talk bad about you. I don't see why we can't be on speaking terms. I just thought you hated me and didn't want to talk to me that's all."

    Then we get into a discussion about where he's working and about how he's going to school and getting his shit together.

    Then he puts his hand out and he shakes my hand and says "Sorry for the miscommunication."

    me: "It's ok. Well, I am not going to hold you up. You have food in your hand and I am sure you want to go home and eat it."

    *JC*: "Yeah I've got to eat and get ready for class. So I guess I'll... I guess"

    me: "I guess I'll talk to you later. I am gonna go home"

    I ended up hanging out with *D* later and told him what happened. Then *D* informs me that *JC* has a g/f that moved to Talahassee and he went out and stayed with her for a week and was gettign drunk the other night and all depressed talking about how he misses her. It makes me wonder... we only quit seeing each other 2-3 months ago... so I think if he's that attatched he either dropped me for her when he met her or was seeing her while he was seeing me. I guess it doesn't matter. While I feel better... I feel a deep depression as well. I have like 50 more questions now... but I am going to let it go. Just give me a week people... and I may not be done being sad, but I will be a lot better than I have been.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Current Music: "Hey Jupiter"- Tori Amos
    Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005
    10:50 am
    Old Wounds, New Pain
    So, I was hanging out with *D* and a group of people on Sunday. We were at the bar drinking and I had drank a few, so I felt inclined to say, "Next time you see *JC* tell him it isn't cool to be friends with someone for a year, sleep with them, and then never talk them again." So *D* says, "I already talked to him." I asked what was said and he said, "I asked him if he slept with you and stopped talking to you and he said it never happened. I told him that you were awesome and that he was phucked up because you had serious feelings for him and he just screwed you over and he pretty much just said 'whatever' and that he didn't care" So, I got really upset. My mind was racing, and I started to wonder if he purposely set out to mess up my life as a form of entertainment. I Was hurt that he won't even own up to what he did. I satrted to wonder about all the things he ever said and did and why he would pressure me to leave *N* if he wanted nothing with me. Was it all a cruel joke? Now I am shattered. I don't know what was real and what wasn't and it bothers me because it meant so much to me. SO, I called his voicemail and talked to it until it cut me off. I am not sure if it recorded, but oh well if it didn't. I asked him "Is this what you do? Do you go out and find people, make them care about you, screw them and leave them? I am not so much upset about us not being together as I am that we were friends for a year and you made me believe you cared about me and listened to how bad I was hurt and how many times I have been screwed over and set me up for this anyway. Is everything you say and do a lie? DO you have no morals?" So I ranted on. I cried my eyes out at the bar. Then I stayed up all night drinking with people. *D* was very comforting. I feel sorry for him because he knows us both.


    Current Mood: crushed
    Current Music: "Follow the Reaper" -Children of Bodom
    2 comments - Leave a comment
    August 20th, 2005
    10:50 am: Holy shit
    Ok... this morning brought forth something I am not ready to deal with. *N* said, "I want you to marry me." twice this morning. I am scared shitless. I avoided answering and I hope he forgets to bring it back up. Man I am not ready for the ugliness this is going to bring. I am not ready to marry him and I am not sure if I will ever be ready. So much has happened to me and I am not the same as I used to be. I love him, that goes without saying. I am not sure I am in love with him though. My heart is still caught in 100 different directions right now. I can't even cope with what's on my plate let alone bite off more to have to chew. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't think his motives are straight. He is already so possesive and I think he sees marriage as a way of owning me. Let alone I am haunted by someone else... not that I am waiting for *JC*... I just don't think persuing a large commitment while I am still messed up about him would be right or smart. I guess I am a bad person in a way... letting *N* love me when my heart is split two ways, but I was not dishonest and misleading. I told him where I stand and how I feel. I don't go into explicit detail with him, but he knows that things from the past couple of months still linger with me. I have to cover up the sadness with a smile as to not hurt him when I get down about what happened between *JC* and me. I hung out with *D* last ngiht for a short while and he's talking abotu everyone starting to chill together again. I hope that doesn't mean that he's going to throw *JC* and me in each other's way again. When we run accross each other it starts with a spark and ends with a bang. I confuse him and he rips me apart. Anyway, I am blabbering here and just going on and on. So, I am gonna go. Later on peoples.
    Thursday, August 18th, 2005
    3:49 pm
    *sigh*
    SO I am all messed up lately. I still haven't talked to *JC* and *N* gotevicted so he's living with me. My life is a never ending destruction cycle.

    Current Mood: depressed
    3:49 pm
    *sigh*
    SO I am all messed up lately. I still haven't talked to *JC* and *N* gotevicted so he's living with me. My life is a never ending destruction cycle.

    Current Mood: depressed
    3:49 pm
    *sigh*
    SO I am all messed up lately. I still haven't talked to *JC* and *N* gotevicted so he's living with me. My life is a never ending destruction cycle.

    Current Mood: depressed
    Wednesday, July 6th, 2005
    3:51 pm
    screwed over again
    So, *JC* talked to me on the phone a week after we did it and told me he just wanted to be friends. He is now currently not talking to me. *D* totally screwed me over and left me in a bad tip by myself. I've been drinking too much. I am hanging out with *N* again. I am goign to New York hopefully in August to see Glassjaw. That's about all the updates for now.
    Tuesday, May 31st, 2005
    2:51 pm
    In love
    So, *JC* came over and spent the night last night. It was so awesome I can't even describe. We hung out all ngiht and he really opened up to me. We laughed and giggled and talked about days past. We looked through my baby pictures and held hands and listened to music and kissed. He was pickin up my bad habits and he said, "You're rubbing off on me and I like it." We went to the store to get snacks and he bought my stuff. We layed in my bed and he tickled me and we cuddled and.....
    WE DID IT! YAY! It was actually a pretty crazy experience, we kept falling off the air matress and shit because I didn't blow it up properly and we laughed with each other and I wasn't self conscious like I thought I would be. I am so in love with him... so phucking in love. He was like, "I don't want you to go to work tomorrow. I hope he is still at the beach when I get home. *RJM* said she would drive him home. I love him I love him I LOVE HIM! I look forward to, with much intensity, all the times ahead for us. He was all like, "That's it, I am buying you a matress." SQUEEEEEEEEEE! Anyway... I just thought I would update.
    Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
    10:50 am
    What is new
    Ok... so update time. *N* and I broke up. *JC* and I are on and off and up and down and I am severely confused and I have been going through a lot of pain lately. Being in love sucks. Check out livejournal for my full scoop on events.
    Thursday, April 14th, 2005
    2:06 pm
    Welp
    Welp people... I am not coming back here really anymore... if you want to check out my bs... I'm on livejournal as codenamespivey now. The only reason I am still writing here is to ensure I don't lose my previous entries.
    Friday, April 8th, 2005
    12:17 pm
    well well well
    I moved to live journal, so I am only coming here every once in a while to keep it from closing out. You know what I love? When people I think are my friends talk shit about me... not only to just one person, but to the whole entire internet.... not only talk shit, but talk shit about completely hypocritical bullshit that they do everyday. I don't think I ever been so hurt or livid.

    Current Mood: infuriated
    Thursday, March 31st, 2005
    1:31 pm
    the downward spiral
    My existance is starting to plague me. *N* has become a complete wreck. He is threatening to kill himself. He has admitted that this would have never happened if he had just owned up to how he feels in the first place. I am losing my mind. All of this stress and depression could drive a person mad! I am having his brother go over while I am out tonight. I never thought I would have to put *N* on suicide watch. I asked him to promise me he wouldn't do it, but he said he won't. I am panicking. I would stay home and watch him myself, but I don't want to reward him by showing when he says he is going to kill himself that he gets what he wants. I bought him dinner last night and brought it home as a surprise. Things were ok until his friend left and then he was in tears telling me how sorry he is for everything and how he has ruined his life etc. I can barely breathe. I hope tonight is good. I think he might show up at the show against my wishes. If he does some severe drama will ensue b/c I will lay it to him. Anyway, I"ll be back tomorrow with further updates

    Current Mood: stressed
    Current Music: "Ohio is for Lovers"- Hawthorne Heights
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