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growing appetite as they notice that their prey's still breathing.... [07 Aug 2003|12:25am]
[ mood | lonely ]

went to ricky's tonight with topeka, and when we got there, there were tons of people there already... ernie, john (not the regular john), brent, constance, adn kelly. so we all hung out, talking and smoking and whatnot. they finally left. then while i was hanging out there with just ricky and topeka, adam called me from florida.

yeah. i miss him... more than i should. but just talking to him made me miss him more (especially since he said he missed me and tony most of all). he said he might stay there another week, and i told him that bummed me out. his response to that was "just because you want my penis."

that statement is only partially true. i mean, i don't exactly want to fuck him, i just miss everything that we had for that short time. i miss his kiss, i miss how he'd hold my hand... i miss how he used to look at me. the way he looked at me made me feel so special and beautiful. i miss the things he said to me that first night at tony's party. he told me i had beautiful eyes, and how i was a good person. and honestly, him telling me that i was a good person meant so much more to me than any compliment he could have given me about my appearance.

too bad i fucked it up. too bad i pushed him away. i think i was scared of actually caring about him and having him actually care about me. i was too concerned with thinking about all the "what if's"... too blinded by somethingone else to see what was right there.

...but i miss him, and i wish i could tell him everything i just said in this stupid fucking journal. but i am a chicken, and besides, i think he's preoccupied with that jamie girl to even give a shit about me anymore.

so that's that. i'm lonely and i am feeling sorry for myself. so excuse my pity party, please.

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