stars wished upon's Journal
stars wished upon's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2004-07-23 19:59
Subject:.put the knife down and press it up agaisnt my lips.
Music:the decembrists

okay so i guess im starting this up again. for a few reasons. one bieng wich noone reads it anymore since my last entry and i really need to vent lastely my head has jsut been so fucked up wiht thoughts and me not sleeping agian like last sumer and i am wokring everysingle day. my body is on overdrive and so is my mind and im afriad if i dont get nayhting out i am going to break down. big time. i alreayd ahve ltitle ones. and i sjtu really ahvent been happy altely at all. i dotn want to see anyone i bascially cut all tiees to eveyrone i sued to talk to. ym poarents are fdighting and they sjtu dotn care. and the only thing going really well is with my boyfriend. and blah i dunno. i need to stop being sad. ia hve everything i could ever imagine. anything i want i get. and i feel so selfish being sad. but i really cant help it. i am probably even wrose than iw as alst summer and my thoughts jsut keep goign back to it. i sjtu want to make my self happy. and i cant seem to do that by my self. teh only time im really happy si when im wiht him. ehs the only one that mcan make me smile or laugh. and he makes me ffeel so good aobut my self. and thats is great he can do taht for me. but apart of me wants me to be able to do taht on my own casue he cant alwasy be with me. i guess thats it for now.


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Date:2004-04-18 13:30


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Date:2004-03-14 12:16
Mood: happy
Music:Bright Eyes and the faint- Dust


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

haha im sorry that just made me laugh extreamly hard when i got that.

Um not much has gone on. i am getitng more and more attatched to brian. Hes sucha sweetheart. and my parents liek him. and he cute as hell. ah my mom actually referred to him as my boyfriend a few times today. When jasona nd i were "together" or whatever she refused to call him that. and considering my mom hated jason i guess its a good thing right?

Friday brian came over. i straightened his out of control hair. and i mean out of control it was insane. if he cuts it im going to be pretty disapointed... then we went to princeton looked for a parking spot for a good half hour. panera Record exchange picked upa Cd the usual. then we went to these benches and i kept runnign away from him on the bneches. and we sat there for a good 45 minutes just talking. i took him to the Harry Potter Alley it was nice. it reminded me of this summer. he reminds me of jasona lot. only better. (no offence to jason i had the best time with him but the ending sucked so that all i think about when it comes to him)... hwo sweet is this child...

your smile, your laugh, your style, your music, your lips, your kiss, your room, your personality, your hand(in mine)

thats brians profile. i wish he lived closer. this summer i know i will see him more i will have a car. and i can drive to him whenever i want. so he dosnt drive an hour away each week to see me one night for a few hours. I went to the city last night. to see little shop of horrors. can i tell you how twisted and fukced up that play is... oh my. i was just sitting there in awe at the events taking place on the stage before me. it was good though.

today i am getting fish.... anyideas for names? im open to anything....

Firday im going to see Brians band... with a bunch of other bands play in some town smack in the middle of Edison... hmm whatever im sjut happy i can see him sing. *so proud* hehe

i heard jason and sris band were good at the show last night( from kyle who is uglky... looks liek an indian child molestor and burps and its grose).. too bad i couldnt go. oh well... hahaha that was laoded with sarcasm. thats it i guess..


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Date:2004-02-14 10:29

im burning like a bridge for your body.

..... ill update later tonight.....

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Date:2003-12-30 16:50
Mood: flirty
Music:mae- sound track of/to? our movie

i knwo its been awhile.... but i just had to post this.. becasue this is the longest convo i have hd with jason since he left in sept. when i wasnt mad at him or anything. haha and it made me happy? in a better mood since im sick
andyway im also posting this for cait becsaue she keps saying i dont update anymore....
SharpGlassJAw: yo
curedBrighteyes: heyy wahts up?
SharpGlassJAw: nm
SharpGlassJAw: haha i was just at the mall
SharpGlassJAw: and this gay guy and this fat girl

i made a funny comment here.. but i am tkaing it out casue its not very nice and i dont want to offend anyone.

SharpGlassJAw: came up to me and they were like ":how tall are much do you weigh...are you wearing contacts
SharpGlassJAw: haha no!
curedBrighteyes: ahha shhh isdidnt say taht...
SharpGlassJAw: and i told them "6 foot, 135 lbs, no
curedBrighteyes: haha aww...
SharpGlassJAw: and they were take this modeling card
curedBrighteyes: that casue ur a hottie1
SharpGlassJAw: and i was like
SharpGlassJAw: yea those things are bullshit
curedBrighteyes: haha yeah they are
SharpGlassJAw: and they were like "no we arent bullshit we swear
SharpGlassJAw: i was like..wateer
SharpGlassJAw: i looked like totall shit too
curedBrighteyes: haha well ya are a hotttie! ahha he was probably jut trying to hit on you
SharpGlassJAw: i was in my regal uniform
curedBrighteyes: haha ncie
curedBrighteyes: !
SharpGlassJAw: haha thanks
SharpGlassJAw: yea but i got a nice jean jacket from the gap
SharpGlassJAw: Womens medium
curedBrighteyes: maybe you can do modeling for regal!
SharpGlassJAw: ahaha
SharpGlassJAw: haha!
SharpGlassJAw: thatd be sweet
curedBrighteyes: ahha HEY thats my size
SharpGlassJAw: :-)
curedBrighteyes: haha eff yeah
curedBrighteyes: lol
SharpGlassJAw: i fit into a 4 at american eagle the other day
curedBrighteyes: =-O
SharpGlassJAw: i was so happy
SharpGlassJAw: yes
curedBrighteyes: grrrr
SharpGlassJAw: arent you a 3
curedBrighteyes: i am starting to losse weight now
curedBrighteyes: no ima 4
SharpGlassJAw: o
SharpGlassJAw: soon we can trade pants
curedBrighteyes: yeah!
curedBrighteyes: haha score
SharpGlassJAw: so, are you going to caits?
curedBrighteyes: if i get better
SharpGlassJAw: o your sick
curedBrighteyes: yeah.. this moning i sjtu got back from the docotrs
SharpGlassJAw: damn
curedBrighteyes: yeah it stinks
SharpGlassJAw: blah
SharpGlassJAw: well im going to work again
SharpGlassJAw: laters
curedBrighteyes: haha have fun!
curedBrighteyes: bye
SharpGlassJAw signed off at 4:47:22 PM.

haha i know it was a stupid convo but you knwo what.. wahtever.

okay yesterday kyle came to pick em upa nd we wentto princeton. then to panera.. mmmm then to the record exchange. i got ummm the pet shop boys, new order, bob dylan, and ummm soekmthing and all time quarter back i was :)

umm then we went to regal and uhh we ,met juan mauricio and mike. cait was working and she took ehr break i remet brian haha and umm we hung out htere fro probbly and hour and a half haa and i was teasing mike the whoel time creating a lot of sexual tension it was fun. hehe i love creating sexual tension and i do it so easily. then we went to dunkin donuts and the whole time juan was ignoring me by the way. then these poeple scared kyle and i ahha casue well... the sped into the parking lot threw his jacket on top of a car.. chased a guy and drove away. it was crazy. then the car was following us.. and kyle was like EEP! should i pull over haha. i said no sjtu keep driving., but we made it home safe. ahah the whole night kyle kept bringing up kelly it was so funny he was like " oh you knwo who likes that band" or "oh guess who i went ehre with" or soemthign like that. and everytime i was like "kelley?!?!?" haha god i liek him so much its insane. i dont know . im dont now. i am finally ina great mood today considering im so sick but i havent felt this great ina food month so im happy aobut that.

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Date:2003-11-30 12:49
Subject:BLINK 182!??!?! im going to music hell....
Mood: flirty
Music:Mae- Sun

uh friday night? yeah that sounds right... justin imed me and was like hey.. wanna hang out with me and jason.. and naturally i said yes.... so they came and picked me up..a nd sri was with them.. which was cool.... i ahve enver hung out with him.. we got i the car.. and listend to crazy msuci and they were going nuts.. then we went to uhh woodbridge... and umm went to H&M... and sjaosn tried on some girls pants.. haha FAG! .. speaking of FAGS.... some dakires were suposidly yelling at him.. fucking fag.. over and over lol i found that quite funny... then we went a million other places. then to get cait the to the americana... ahha moment of silence at bagel something.. some thing i sjut wont understand.. wriitng on jasons car window while siting in the regal parking lot for no reason.. watching porn on justins phone... haha he has good stuff on there...dunkin donuts.. telling jason to go get tested.. fucker.. you better go trying to make this short...justin trying relly smoothy to touch my ass haha... then uhh i realized that i really dont miss ajson all that much.. i mean he is a great kid... but thats it... i will never have any otehr feelings for him.. i think i just didnt like the fact he left.... and he claimed he didnt mind hanging out with me...

i jsut want to say how much i apperciate Justin.. he is such a sweetie.. honestly... he is awesome.. i cant wait to hang out with him again... we all had fun that night... and now i feel like i dont ahve to see jason anymore.. but i wouldnt mind if he ever wanted to hang.. and of coure i still want to talk to him... i also realized that i offically dont like kyle and more.... woohoo! and i mean seriously... im done... forever.... i can go either way with him.... but i mean being friends would be cool... and uhh that really all i ahve to say about boys... lol umm

oh yeah and mike owes me a thousand dollars.. fool.. ahah he imes me saying.. ill give youa thousand dollars if you can guess who this is.. a second later im like mike... ahha he was like... how did you know?!?!? hehe

umm i have my finnaly driving lesson on monday... woohoo! nomore smelly "brown" as jason would put it teaching me how to do fucking k turns and how to back up... umm.. that really t i guess.... i am planning on going to as many shows as posible lately so i can make new friends... i need a new crowd or different types of epople in my life.. that is my goal for the next couple months....

i took these really hot pictures of me.. i swear i look amazing! lol... i am going to try to figure out how to put them in here... maybe don can help me with that... uhh tahts really it...

i want mike to hang out with next week i havent hung with him in a while... and also i want ot hang out with justin more.. hes sucha fucking sweet nice kid.....i really enjoy being around him....

i got the new blink 182 CD yesterday in red bank and the beautiful mistake...

i also got two shirts one says...."i cant stand you?" for one of thsoe days... and "lable whore" lol how great is that....

thats all ...
oh and i have to tell you.. yeah thats me XslutcoreX

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Date:2003-11-26 12:58
Subject:another update.... sigh
Mood: crazy
Music:belle and sebastian.... dear catastrophie waitress

friday... show... whatever. hung with jaun for a little... then cait and justin the rest of the night... ehhe we walked to burger king at like.. uh 10 it was freezing.. took us ahalf hour to get there.. then we met justins.. girl i guess... she was very cute... heh saw someone i really didnt ever want to see... but heh.. no problems there.... im not obsessed cause im over it... i really am.. for a while now... it jsut gives me a reson to make fun of others to make my self feel good.. heh... hey yeah i am 16! good.... anyway... uhh oh and firday i told mike i didnt hate him we talk.. and he dosnt try his hardest to aviod eye contact with me in the halls...thats all... i ahve driving soon with my buddy salim! woohoo! yeah...

i got the new coheed CD yesterday AND the New Early November cd.. finally... and umm belle and sebastian... at the record exchange... fun night... panera... tea.. hehe fun fun fun..

im really starting to appreciate my friend ship with michael more and more lately... i cant wait till we ahng out again... its been soooo long! heh

uhhh joe is coming home!!!!!!! yes! finnally some joe time... i miss him a lot.. alst year we were togheter everyother weeeknd... and now im lucky if i see him once every two months... he got on varsity hockey!! which is amazing for his "preppy school of hell".. lol...uuuhhh jasons coming home this weekend.. i dunno if he is gonna see anyone though.. but he promised hed see me for winter break.. which is good.. cause i really miss him... um thats really it...

i want to get another tatoo but i have to wait for the next one... until my mom cant find out.. casue she said onyl one.. but i want the one i wanted originally... that it though... oh i just wnt to amke it clear that lesbians do not turn me on!!!! hehe ... AND pants are so overrated

i cant wait till teh snow falls down!!!!

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Date:2003-11-16 17:45
Subject:CD and guys....
Mood: contemplative
Music:...the original CD... the one i dont have...

Note.. before you read this remember that I was home alone most of the weekend and i had way too much time on my hands…

Basically all I did this weekend was eat my whole pantry. Sleep. And of course listen to music. I started thinking to my self. Why the hell do I love music so much. And yeah I know.. everyone loves music…because “music is fun for everyone” ( I don’t remember where I saw that. but I know it is a slogan or something) anyway. I love my cd’s more than life it self…and everyone who knows me knows that but I treat them like shit. I started to compare in my head. My cd’s to guys.. aha crazy right? But im not so sure if its that crazy.

There are 3 types of CD’s the normal everyday CD, The CD that someone else has and you want, and the original CD (aka the CD you want but impossible to find... the first CD recorded by the band in their parents basement.)

The Normal Everyday CD= the CD I get… and I cant listen to a song in its entirety until I listen to the CD a few times. And then you dont really want to listen to the entire CD because you have picked out your favorite song because the CD isnt too good to being with and that’s all you want to listen to…. Most of your CD’s are made up of the normal everyday CD’s. Now like these CD’s the guys are the same exact way… there are thousands maybe even millions of them out there… you like one of two qualities in the guy.. but cant stand that whole thing.. and they are probably right for someone else.. and like the normal CD you place it back into your CD case all scratched up but still in ABC order just in case you get bored one day…but in the end you think.. wow what a waste of 15 dollars…

Now… The CD that someone else has and you want…. Right now I am sure you can think of CD you want… I can think of one, and believe me I have enough… this is the CD your best friend has… but you don’t have enough money to buy it.. or the CD store ran out of stock the day you went to get it…you want this CD so badly. But you dont want to download the songs on the CD because you want the one that comes with the jacket and lyric’s and the secret songs… every CD you get tells its own story. And when your Download them.. there usually is something missing from that story…
Now like guys… there is the guy your friend has… but you want your own… and you don’t really want to settle for a guy that tries to hard or acts a different way from the guy you like because like downloading a CD there will always be something missing.

And finally the best kind of CD. The original CD.. the first CD made by the band.. the shittiest one out there.. but if you had it.. you knew you would love it and cherish it more than any other CD you have. Someone you know may have it. and you envy them for it because it is all you want. Like guys there is always the guy you want so badly but cant get. And he may hurt you more than he knows by doing absolutely nothing about you liking him. And your friends tell you the guy isn’t worth it… like the CD… it may be a piece of shit it is the one you. The one you need. No matter how much it hurts.. because you know it would be worth it. And your afraid to give up too quickly on it… in chance it may pass you by…

And no.. that isn’t about anyone.. just something I was thinking about


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Date:2003-11-13 17:13
Subject:over and over and over and over and ovr and over and over and over
Music:the sound of snow crunching under my feet

over and over... the cycle never stops it will never stop..over and over.... the cycle never stops... over and over...

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Date:2003-11-04 18:19
Subject:does anyone know who sings this.. or wrote it?
Mood: gloomy
Music:the cure- lets go to bed

On some frsoty nights, youll find this girl, hushed in her bed. she is jsut too tired to fight. spinning in circles until you swear you can feel hte group slip from beneath you and you are jolted into the air without anykind of warning sign. you sleep all day and think all night and you are not getting anywhere. is anyone getting anywhere? November comes once a year and leaves fall to the earth. its a cycle that will never stop never stop never stop X4.
Fairy tales are where you want to be these days. you're searching for your prince charming that dosnt exist in your world. you want to live your promised happily ever after " it wil be okay" the children scream at her from afar. not really understading why it wouldnt.
i rember watching her fear take over and she would lower her head and dig them into her knees. she couldnot stop the feeling of regret from taking over.
Do you rember the days we would sit inside your room? we would hold hands and kiss sometimes.
as you replay your past full of happiness over and over again in your head like watching your favorite movie.
her eyes turn red and hes there again... but only in her fairytale endings. those silly fairytale endings.
all she wants is her fairytale ending

does anyone know who sings that or wrote it?!?!? blah i like it a lot...

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Date:2003-11-02 12:27

i know i ahvent updated in a while... there is too much ihave to think aobut i have trouble expressing or writing down what i am feeling because it just wont make sense.

i feel like i am going around in circles i am not getting ahead but im not draging behind. i am clingging on to what i had in my past (or didnt have) or wanted to have but never got. Its just so hard to let go. and its hard to reason in my mind why i still want it so badly or why i never got it and i have a feeling i never will get it. i was talking to don yesterday and i dont know... he is so great swear i wish i has him with me all the time like a mini don action figure or something like him that talked. I guess he made me feel better about my being so pathetic. i realized i have tot one it down a bit. ic ant overreact about everything. i have to start to roll with the punches more... or something. even though i hate doing that. need to get thing clear in my mind. i need to find out what i want... well i know what i want... and ive tried so hard for so damned long to get it and i never did. and everyday i wake up and its still inf ront of me but i cant have it. its like im stranded on a dessert island and i ahve no food.. except the plactic fruit soemone threw in my bag before the ship crashed as a horrible joke. i dont know. ia hve been through this so many times before. and i know its so old. but i cant help it. i need him. hes my drug. eh is what i need to make it through my day. but i feel like i may be hurting other poeple while i am taking in my drug. and i dont want to do that. i dotn want to come off as a bad person. because i dont think i am a bad person. even though others may see me differently.

yesterday jason was telling me to stop being ina bad mood. and most people cna control that mood. they can stop it from happening byt hinking of happy things. i cant. i dont know when its going to come. or how it happens. i can be tchign a really funny movie and then get really mad and secluded and id otn know why. and it happens everyday. every day.... i dont understand... and i want to be happy so badly.. becasue the rest of hte time i am . i would consider my self a very happy person. but when i get int hat mood id ont know. it scares me a lot.

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Date:2003-10-25 13:37
Music:BE- its cool we can still be friends

im at betys i got my tatto on monday .. a moon with three little stars on the inside..its pretty.. tehre is a viagra commerical on and i am watching MTV watign for BE to come on.... i am supposed to be gettign ready so we can go to steves again.. we went to the movies last night and i saw jasons car in the parking lot nad when he got in he just left.. and sri asked me if i was looking for him.. and i flipped out.. i started crying. it was pathetic... i dunno im still kinda upset aboutthe whole thing.. i really wanna see him but i thinking im just gonna cry more. so he is seeing cait today and mike... sigh... whatever... i thought i was fine wiht him. i guess im not
thats it....

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Date:2003-10-18 20:24
Subject:list of fuck's...

Bright eyes was mentioned on MTV... The world as we know it has become shit...
" Fuck family, fuck this house, fuck the cool kids, fuck famous people, fuckcommericals, fuck whiners, fuck everyone who plays in a fucking band, fuck scenesters, fuck druggies, fuck pretty, fuck top fucking 40, fuck rolling with the fuckinh punches, fuck models, fuck idiots, fuck school, fuck perfume, fuck this town, fuck n time, fuck hip alternative sound tracks, fuck everyones whos full of shit, fuck married in love and dating people, fuck M FUCKING TV, fuck club kids, fuck skaters and hippies, fuck liars, fuck people who pretend to never lie, fuck people who leave, fuck all the poeple who just get stuff always have an always will, fuck people who leave, fuck boredom, fuck boys who shit on girls and fuck girls who love it, fuck pissy no balls chicken shits, fuck this city fuck this block fuck this fucking world and fuck all its everything. and fuck you" AMEN!!!!!!!
thanks you Brave New girl!

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Date:2003-10-14 17:36
Subject:im over him

okay im over

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Date:2003-10-14 16:25
Mood: blank
Music:my new beck CD the whole thing

okay i should jsut rename this journal.. a place to complain about jason heh.. and way uh i sjut read mikes journal and i feel like the only reason jason is talking to me again is cuz he dosnt want htere to be toruble or whatever.. i forgot how i felt wtf.... its like hes making nice with mike and really menas it.. but i think he is jsut talking to me out of pitty or something.. i dont know...since he only person eh really cares about back ehre is mike.... sigh.... haha i hope he dosnt read this.. cuz i dont want him thinking WTF this girl is on majpr drugs and needs help and needs to get over me cuz is ever happening again.. i hope he dosnt read it .... i dont think he does cuz why should he care what im thinking or what is going on in my life... we ahve nothing to do with eachtother anymore... why am a arguing with my self? ha its scary to think that this is how my mind thinks all day... not about hima ll day but arguing with my self over things that dont need to be aruged aobut.. and hwy the hell am i still rambling?
sigh lol im such an idiot.. i should make this a friends only thing...anyway he sent me these pictures of him last night at like 2 am.. cuz i was still awake.. im going thorugh my whole no sleepig thing again which sucks. anyway his hair is longer and stuff... and he looked soooo amazing i forgot how amazing looking he was and how crazy blue his eyes were.. and blah.. why do i do this to my self? i just keep looking at his away message now hoping he will come back so i can tlak to him about stipid shit like always... lol i am way too interested... i need help


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Date:2003-10-13 15:20
Subject:missing him more.. and complaining about it MORE
Mood: lonely
Music:The cure-pictures of you

well hmm... last night betsy came over and gave em the best sex of my life ;) hehe and we sjut hung out and dyed her hair a pretty purpleish redish color... she looks so sexy now... uhh i talked aobut ajosn all night and felt kinda bad but all well... i miss him so much... and i want him to either come home for a day and just see me or take a trip and come see me and go someplace fun. i dont know.. this is so sad.. he still wants kelly... and he jsut wont come home..and i miss him more and more everyday. and i keep seeing things that remind me of him. and sigh...I WANT HIM! lol sorry.. but i do....but when i was talking to him i ahve the feeling its not gonna happen.. then i was thinking about aht day when we were at regal and cait was there and she aksed him if he was gonan come home..a nd he said yeah to see me.. and put his arm around myt shoulder and how happy that made me.. i hope he fucking reads this!!!!! FUCK! lol but then apart of me dosnt want him to cuz we finally started talking again and i dont want things to be weird cuz i want him and he dosnt want me.. that would suck... a lo

anyway yeah betys and i went to princeton today and we got borccoli ceddar soup in a bread bowl.. mmmm! and we saw cait! lol and hten i got CD's fomr priceton record exchange:
The Cure-Mixed up... there are a lot fo good songs on here... is robert smith gay?? or Bi? ive been ponering that.
New Order-Low Life
Beck-Mutations.. he so fucking hot...
Broken spindles- ITs joel patersen form the fint.. it jsut cool crazy synthesizer music.
Cursive- The storms of early summer

then we went to j-crew and i got this rpetty cute sweater.. its so preppy looking i love it.
and we went to smith borthers and i got jeans i really needed and a brownish maroonish shirt.. its pretty cool

yeah thats basically it... i miss talking to mike to .. im getting really sad by our situation how he jsut kinda.. drifted away over a silly thing... sigh... oh and him and Jason are nice nice now.. i was happy about that but also kinda really fucking jealous.... i dont know why... cuz jasona nd i were cool.. but i want him back now! bitch!

that was such a usless entry... all well... i dont want to neglect my journal... thats all buddies..
leave me comments to tell me how much you love me cuz thats what i need right now... I MISS THE FUCKHEAD!!! ahhh


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Date:2003-10-11 16:37
Subject:suming up my last entry since it so effing long
Music:count the stars- best mistake

since my alst entry was so fucking long i am going to sum up whaht i was blabbing about in 4 word:
im not over jason.........sigh...... but i ned to be cuase i wont get him back

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Date:2003-10-11 10:44
Mood: crazy
Music:radio head knives out

well yesterday was so strange...

mommy picked me up at 12 out of school to go to lunch and whatnot.. stupid peprally.

we went to get hair dye to fix my hair and i finally got a striaghtener.
we also went to get coffe and went to B&N and i got a new Radio Head CD and a book called Dot sleep with your drummer.

all was good until the ride home. we had the top down going down route one past quaker bridge mall and the music was playig relaly loud it was actually the new radio head CD i got and my hair was blowing everywhere. and i was singin along to the music.and it was the song knives out and i got oe of those feeling like nothing can bring me down. cuz this is the best it gets. then for some reason when we passed quaker bridge mall i started thinking of jason . i guess because we used to go there a lot and thats the first place we ever went together when i met him. and i dont know but it was a happy feeling... and i relized that was one of the songs that came on FUSE o the ocassions we used to watch it in his bedroom.then i started remembering when we would be in his car downt that very same road and the music would be playing and we would both be singing hand he had his hand on my thigh or we were holding eachothers hands and someitmes we would just drive around with nowhere to go.. but that was okay cuz we were with eachother. Like the day we went to eh beach and got lost. and we were dribving for maybe 3 hours and it was okay. then my mom started talkig to me ad ruined the moment. she started talkig about how i dont seem as happy lately as i used to be. and all that other fun stuff.

then i started thinking about how jason used to tell me how he felt i was unhappy to be with thim.. when i really wasnt and how i was at my happiest when i was with him then i noticed how when i was with him i never got in those weird moods i get i sometimes when i get quiet and when poeple talk to me i come off as mean and i just dont give ashit about anything. The whole time we were together even if i wasnt with him i never ever got like that... betsy know that mood... and then i got really upset cuz i am getting like that more and more letely and i know poeple are gettig sick of it. but i dot know how to prevent it. i dont know maybe its because winter is coming or i dont know i really dont...

then i dyed my hair and it is a wierd color is it like dark brow on the bottom and a caramel color on top. whatever.. itll grow out.. and in a month i can dye it to a normal color.

then i decided to read the book i got to get my mind of jason and my hair. boy was that a mistake i should have jsut gone to homecoming like planned. man... i started readig the book and in the book the girls boyfriends name is Jason... What the hell is that???? so then i put the book down and just started crying realizing how much i miss him. and how i know i am never getting him back and how he has my perks of being a wall flower book and how i want it back. cuz im not going to buy a new one if i have one already. and i need that book so i can finish writing my screen play for it. i want actually film it and hopefully by the end of the begninning of next yearfinish it. SO when i stop cryng i kept reeading my book. and i had this dream last night i dont exactly remeber it but I know it was about Jason we were together again and the whole time freakin dashbaord confessional was playig int he background i dont know why...a nd it was so long swet summer.... i think thats the anme if it.. i put it in my profile. and i woke up kinda laughing cuz we did have a great summer and how true the song is to our thing we had.

oh then another kick in the ass.when jason and i were together mommy was telling me how our whole thing reminded her of the movie Valley girl..., a preppy girl going out with a punk.not syaing that jason was punk. but i mean he was more rocker with his piercing and tatoos and his cool ass hair and he was in a band and his AE girls jeans.. hah i loved those and his cool random band shirts and how he used to wear that sweater in the summer. and we didnt fit at all but he was so great. and he was so funny. and whe i was with him i have never felt so great. i felt everyhting was goig to be great. he made me feel good. and i loved the way he looked and i was never embarassed to be around him and i am very shallow. but then agian his appearance wasnt bad at all. he is the best dresser. and ugh i dont know. i feel like i am making him sound ugly or grose or somehting and to people that know him know he wasnt at all....for the exception of few who thought otherwise.

anyway the movie i never heard of it... and jason said he thought he owned it. and last night i freaking came on! WHATT HE HELL?!?!? and it was teh same everyone she knew was agaist them going out. just like us. everyone my parents my friends noone wanted us together. and all his friends liked me (expet kelly) and his mom thought i was really beautiful and stuff ...sigh.... but in the movie they ended up together in the end.

anyway now im okay with it. i still miss i him so fucking much its not even funny. i think about him everyday.and miss him more and more everyday. and i realzied that i will never have him again. and yeah i get pissed off by that. he was the first guy i didnt freak and back out the relationship within 5 days with and i dotn knw it was different... but i guess thats the way things are supposed to turn out. things are supposed to be better. maybe i will get somone better. i hope its soon. because this whole bieng alone thing sucks.

gettign my tatto in ... 2 weeks!
hair cut. god soon i hope..


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Date:2003-10-09 20:55


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Date:2003-10-07 15:28
Subject:First of September
Mood: indifferent
Music:TBS Your so last summer

Rethink your decissions.
When your alone how does it feel? "like trying to hold water in my hands"
thats how you explained it to me once.
we all know what its like to be alone.

and this rain hits my eyelids as if someone want to blurr my vision from being able to see what love can be..

to me right now love is illogical unexplainable a question without an answer.

I look at my parents and look at their love or lack their of.
I look to the sky to wish upon my star but that stars are not visible tonight with these big city lights.

I look out my window from the 32nd floor and the lights are blurred and the noise is drowning out my thoughts of you and i find my self not really caring. i find comfort in this cold and lonely room.

the wooden floor stretch acorss my room and i lay down my ear to the gournd to hear what is going on around me.

This lonliness is slipping through my hands
like water or maybe even sand.

And this rain that hits my eye lids closed too blurr my vision form seeing what love can do to me.

To replay the sounds of me past in my head is not much to ask.
To shut my eyes and try to rember that first of september.
forcing a smile upon my face.
so you can see how happy i can be.
So you can see how strong i can pretend to be.
How happy i can pretend to be.

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