Crystal's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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Heyy [22 Oct 2003|09:26pm]
[ mood | cynical ]
[ music | "Hands Down" D.C. ]

Well my internet at home has been shut off.. things have been kind of Rough... but Im working at burger king now so maybe my own paycheck will bring some money into the home... but of course there would be if my mother wasnt such a lier... and stealing all my dads money... but thats ok its rough but things will look up... what goes around comes around... Right now I am at Amandas house.. and I do have a new journal link... ask me and i will give it to you... But im out... Talk to ya'll later.. im still alive.. lol... miss ya'all

1of my star. | reaching to grab..

hmm [20 Sep 2003|12:52am]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | static lullaby ]

Well i really dont know what to say anymore.. somrtimes i just feel trapped and all i wanna do is be free.. yea some of you know hwat im takign about..

1of my star. | reaching to grab..

Poems.. [12 Sep 2003|06:20pm]
A rose
its petals shine
soft with angels' light
and goddess beauty
tender on its face

Gentle hands
that stroke the flower
and nurture all its life
and trusting rose
doth lift its face
accepting sunlights touch

Yet, tender hands
no longer tender
enclose its golden life
and tear it from its garden bed
to rest within their grasp

Encaged within their hands and heart
the rose weeps tears of blood
torn from her freedom
and named a treasure
the flower learns to fade


well i havent been home or updated this journal in a while so here it goes.. my feelings are mixed and tears keep rolling.. and its too much to explain but if i want you to know then i've told you about most of it.. So here's sommore poems since the last journal havent put ne in this one..

A dream, a dream
a dream caught in a tear
that tumbles, tumbles
down toward the deep green tile
of the earth
where it strikes-
scattering rainbow fragments
a fragile hope
caught in a salty tear
and like all tears...
it falls

Dr. Love

Hello there, doctor.
A pleasant day to you.
I've brought this serious illness.
You might know what to do.
But don't look at your pills,
Your nostrums or potions
Because medicines like those
Can't fix this girl's emotions.

It started when I met him
On a starry summer night.
I started talking to him
And decided he'd be right.
Not only was he handsome,
he was also very sweet.
Whenever things got icy
His presence brought me heat.
But soon our time was over.
We hugged and sadly parted.
I thought I'd be okay
And then my sickness started.

It's like a raging fire
Burning deep within my soul.
It's like a strong addiction
Whose spell I can't let go.
What it was about him
I really do not know.
But every time I hear him,
I feel the symptoms grow.
You might call it depression
But it's not quite so serious.
Although, I must admit
Missing him makes me delirious,
Somewhere in my thoughts
His words are always with me.
Letting go is hard
Because his presence feels so near me.
The sweetness of his lips
Pressed gently on my own.
The thought of him not with me
Is enough to make me groan.
In the middle of the night
I toss and turn in bed.
My heart begins to pound
As his laughter fills my head.

So tell me, doctor.
Has this happened to you?
And if your answer's yes,
Please tell me what to do.

<3 Crystal

2of my star.s | reaching to grab..

Been Awhile [09 Sep 2003|07:36pm]
Well itz been awhile bc alot of issues n all.. well i dont get home till 6:30.. but its all good.. school is ok i guess, i got my gym switched today to 7th Pd.. theres a few people I know.. But things are so confusing for me.. I dunno nemore.. just too much to explain.. tearz runnin down my face is alll i can really say.. and ask myself why??????? so i dunno nemore..

made lotsa new friends.. its all good..

6of my star.s | reaching to grab..

LMAO Shocked my CoMpUtEr.. [03 Sep 2003|08:05pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | Riddlin' Kids "i feel fine" ]

LMAO.. well in like mid august.. my computer was having madd problems and the computer couldnt detect my CD in the drive trying to load the CD drive.. and that made my computer froze while loading windows.. lol.. so i took the top off n pulled drives out n disconnected the wires.. to the cd drive.. lol.. then like a half month later (which was like 10 minutes ago) i decided to reconnect it. So I scanned my computer first for viruses.. and i found 2 and i think i got rid of em.. then i took the top of the computer off to reconnect my cd drive (bc i wanna burn CD'S) then i took the one wire (keep in mind i didnt shut my computer down) and i went to plug it in the socket to the card (inside the computer) and i got semi close to the plug and i see SPARKS and the computer just shut down.. I screamed, "SHIT.." and then i tried to turn it on and it wouldnt.. so then i turned the power of the socket for a minute n my computer finally turned on and the light that indicates its on was all dull i thought it was gonna die.. i felt so bad.. poor computer.. LMAO.. i htough it was so funni.. im like NOOOOO NOT MY ONLY CONNECTION TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD!!!!!!!!! <3 ya all..


10of my star.s | reaching to grab..

well [03 Sep 2003|01:35pm]
[ mood | creative ]
[ music | Fairweather "lusitania" ]

ok i was doing journals and ujournal is being a bitch so i decided to stick with this one.. any previous entries you guys might want is in

Hey i saw this title or description and I thought of Ashley Kramer.. I miss her.. lol.. havent been to Hammonton in a long time.. I have to see how her mom Michelle is comming along with the baby..

Anyway.. things are kinda lookin up and I start school tomorrow title or description so yea im kinda nervous.. dont know too many people.. but I think I'll be ok.. Well I have to finish cleaning and all.. get all this out of the way..


2of my star.s | reaching to grab..

[01 Sep 2003|02:49pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | "Stars And You" Acceptance ]

O man' i got myself into a huge bad mess.. I mean i pushed alot of people away bc alots been going on.. thinking too damn much i guess.. So i think I messed things up with Kyle.. hes just such a good friend he means so much to me.. i didnt mean to push you away.. just you live far.. and i have too omuch going on.. Im sorri..

and Sharon no i didnt replace you with Kate.. and i personally think its immature that you'd throw the fact that she was in my profile and not you.. in my face.. you had a private message to you.. adn as it said i wasnt doen with the shout outz.. so w/e i can have more than one friend, and if your gonna b like that than too bad, bc there were more ppl in my profile than JUST KATE.. there was COlleen, klye, joe, rob.. etc.. so how you can get down dirty and try and throw it in my face? Well right back at yea..

reaching to grab..

I hate this [31 Aug 2003|05:41pm]
[ mood | infuriated ]
[ music | A Static Lullaby "Love to hate,Hate To Me" ]

You knwo i really hate this b/s.. my parents use me like a god damn dog toy.. im back home now and i wish i wasnt i wish i could just leave n tell them all to go fuck themselves.. i mean .. dad gets pissed off at mom and takes the shit out on me.. all of a sudden im a liar and a fuck up and im just like her.. im gonna be her.. well for one a fuck up i may be.. but im not gonna be her.. i hate her with a damn passion.. i dont care how much of a fuck up i am, just as long as i know im not like her.. so newayzz we get in this huge fight.. and i dont knoe how to keep my big mouth shut.. and me being me just let it all go tell him every damn word i have to say to him tell him off n walk away.. then about 15 minutes later he comes in "Im sorri, i was frustrated i took them out on you" well KISS MY ASS.. i mean comeon.. like im just gonna say its ok lifes great now.. when the issue comes up im just suppose to act like nothing happened.?? i mean WTF come the hell on.. i got more brains than that bozo..
im so damn pissed off im out-

reaching to grab..

gmoms house [31 Aug 2003|11:13am]
[ mood | lazy ]
[ music | A static Lullaby "shooting star that destroy.." ]

Today Im with my dad and my little brother at my grammas house. my gfather is here too.. I think im staying the day with them bc today is nanas birthday.. but i gotta go home ad change.. and shower.. last nigth i went to hollys party and saw alot of people from when i was like 9 or 10.. of course by now they are like anywhere from 18 to 22 years old.. it was really nice to see them again.. and Holly has a horse ranch.. and im going back soon to go see the horses they are so beautiful.. I have come to my decision probably isometime in november (after I get a job n all) Im going to continue taking horse back riding lessons again.. i missed them alot.. So thats definatly gonna happen. I wonder is my horse April is still on the farm.. When I mived to hammonton about 3 years ago i lost touch with the riding instructor. She was a very pretty horse.. the only one there wioth gold hiar.. my fav orite one of the bunch.

Well its time for me to go..

<3 Crystal

reaching to grab..

DAMN PARENTS GROW THE FUCK UP! [30 Aug 2003|01:35pm]
[ mood | despondent ]
[ music | Matchbox20 "push (acoustic)" ]

My damn parents need to grow the fuck up. and you know what, im getting really pissed.. Mom invited me to go school shopping and to lunch. well i wont go with er, i mean the day i left her mom (my gmom) told me to never come back.. and she sat there and didnt say anything to that remark, and that hurt me and fucked with my head alot. So as you all know im living with my dad.. but thatswhy i wont visit her or anything. So she got me pants (that were too small) and a shirt (thats unappropriate for school) and 3 pairs of socks, and hair scrunchies (although she saw i cut all my hair off) and i was like ok well thats nice i can exchange them, ill get her a thank you card w/e.. she put a levy on my dads bank account, taking all our money in the past month, leaving us broke, no phone or nething.. (thats y i have no phone) so neways, my little brother has a scrimage game.. and my mom is suppose to be there.. so dad takes the bag and goes im gonna put it in her lap and tell her you dont nees her theft shit, and you dont want her stuff.. im like WTF.. thats only gonna make her more madd at me.. and i told him i was like no, we'll just go exchange it get the money and im going a fasion show there anyway in one the up coming weekends neway, andi get a 30% discount, so well go get something i can wear that fits.. and hes like no i rather throw it in her face.. and he grabbed the bag and the cooler and walked out the door.. i mean i know she is my mom and she fucked up and im upset and hurt by the shit she did to me the past 3 years and the stuff she said and all to me.. but she IS my mom.. it just hurts to say yea my mom doesnt care.. i dont want her even more pissed.. i mean i was happy just for the fact she at least thought of me.. and he's gotta throw it all in her face.. doesnt he see he's throwing it in MY face? he gets pissed and despises my mom for throwing shit in his face b ut he does the same.. fucking hiprcrits.. the stupid fuckers need to grow the hell up.. dont they see all they do is tear me apart while tearing each other.. I cant take this shit.. i mean sometimes i dont think they care im a toy they use to throw at each other.. and thats parta the reason i dont want a relationship.. the guys ive dated (most of em) have thrown me around.. im just a fucking mess.. there is someone i care alot about im just scared.. and I HATE MY PARENTS FOR DOING THIS TO ME.. the sad thing is since i can remember i always told myself that as soon as i get my license im leaving them (parents) behind.. and my thoghts on that havent changed a friggin bit.. im tired of all this.. i have a GrEaT night, and i forget everything.. and everytime i seem to go out n have fun i have to ALWAYS come home and deal with this.. one a these days im not going to come home.. and people have wondered why ive tried to kill myself and did half of the shit ive done.. i mean i have my friends and since ive moved back ive had friends who care, and i cant do something stupid to myself.. but if i didnt have them i probably woulda by now.. and this isnt 1/2 of the shit.. I just hate home and family..

reaching to grab..

Carnival [30 Aug 2003|12:40pm]
[ mood | grateful ]
[ music | unwritten law "up all night (acoustic version)" ]

Well yesterday I had so much fun.. I had gotten most of my school stuff.. and Then i went to the Marlton Carnival, and I saw Kate and I had alot of fun.. It was way better than Saint Annes carnival.. Rob n his sister and her Viance and there friends John n (i feel bad bc i forget that other girls name).. went on a bunch of rides.. walked around.. it was nice..

Today I have Holly's party, and my little brothers scrimage game.. im not going to go bc its not a real game but I will go to his real games.. Anyway its hot in here and im gonna go take a nice CoOl shower.. lol.. later..

<3 Crystal

reaching to grab..

Blah Blank [29 Aug 2003|01:00pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | unwritten law "up all night (acoustic)" ]

Well today is onea thos blah days.. i dont really have a mood.. or should i say i have tons of them mixed together leaving me in a state of such confusion its just BLAH! lol.. make any sense? does to me.. if you get that congradulations u understand me (not many say they do) so newayzz i just got back from work n amandas.. n im suppose to go out soon but who knows nemore.. i dont know what to make of all this mess.. just so much going on.. screw it im not gonna let it bring me down bc ive let everything else.. and im tired of it.. so Kiss Muh Azz.. lol.. well im gone bc i gotta get ready to go out..


2of my star.s | reaching to grab..

shed tears.. [29 Aug 2003|01:34am]
[ mood | accomplished ]
[ music | matchbox 20 "push" (hey its a good song..) ]

I shed tears.. tears of you.. all becauzz of you.. tears of joy as i remember the times.. we were together.. tears of complete sadness.. such as the day


i cant think of that day with out breaking down.. dont you see what you did to me.. i shed tears of fear.. the fear you left to me as an insecurity to all future relationships.. tears of reluctant.. that you didnt keep it going so i fell completely into a world of just us two.. altough thats how i saw it babe.. I shed tears.. tears of depression.. that you left me in.. and tears of confusion forall that you've done since that day..


NO MORE.. i cant shed nemore tearz for you.. ive come to move on.. infact i have so too late.. i'll alwayzz have a soft spot for you.. and love you.. but i cant take the tears nemore.. nomore tears from you.. and to be honest I dont know if ive ever been really loved.. but one day..


reaching to grab..

Friendship [28 Aug 2003|05:00pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]
[ music | "ghostChant" by Poison The Well ]

I know Christina doesnt like me but tuff. i promised myself I wouldnt step in there disagreement.. but you know what.. some ppl need to learn the values n all of friendships..
A good friend will always be there for you wether your fighting pissed at each other or w/e it be.. a good friend wont tell there friends what to do and make there desicions for them.. but they will give them there opinion.. and if there friend is doing something they go against they wont rag them and b all pissy to them.. and when its all said done and over after the mistake has been made that good friend will be there with there shoulders ready to cry on.. and wont throw it in there face and say " i told you so" bc that only makes them more upset.. and im sorri but ppl need to learn you can have more than one best friend.. i can have 100 or a million.. no one replaced anyone.. and i love you two.. and i dont want you to fight.. i mean itz kinda dumb.. and a good friend wont be all obsessive.. and I from what I hear John n Kate are nutz for each other i think you all need to just come out n tell each other it all and explain how you feel just saying "i love you" dosnt say everything.. tell each other y you love each other.. and if you decide you wanna b together than DAMN IT, DO IT ALL READY!!!!!!!!! (hehe, oh i crack myself up) just take things one at a time and dont rush but some people wont be here or wait around forever.. but i mean i love you all and i wanna help you guys but theres nothing i can do for this one.. even if Christina dosnt like me ill still stick up for you if i feel its right thats just my personality.. and Kate I love you sweetie cheer up.. I think most of this is immature little kindergarden b/s and im not saying anymore of it bc i said my opinion.. and these dont just apply to that situation but i think to everyone.. and im here for all my friends and they know this.. and I wish things could just be fine.. and i wish you werent all depressed..
<3 Always,

reaching to grab..

huh.. [28 Aug 2003|03:15pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Well I went to work at Deborah.. wound up putting foldes together.. i dont wanna see another folder for a long ass time.. lol then I took amanda out to Family Pizza for lunch as my treat cuz I MISSED her.. lol

These lyrics are so good..

"She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's
Gonna give
And I'm a little bit angry, well

This ain't over, no not here, not while I still need you
You don't owe me, we might change
Yeah we just might feel good


I wanna push you around, I will, I will
I wanna push you down, I will, I will
I wanna take you for granted, I wanna take you for granted
I will

She said I don't know why you ever would lie to me
Like I'm a little untrusting when I think that the truth is
Gonna hurt ya
And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me
You couldn't stand to be near me
When my face don't seem to want to shine
Cuz it's a little bit dirty well

Don't just stand there, say nice things to me
I've been cheated I've been wronged, and you
You don't know me, I can't change
I won't do anything at all


Oh but don't bowl me over
Just wait a minute well it kinda fell apart, things get so
Crazy, crazy
Don't rush this baby, don't rush this baby "

Good stuff.. so true..

Kyle.. I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

reaching to grab..

anything you say.. [28 Aug 2003|09:01am]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | "count the stars" by count the stars.. ]

Does anything I say matter to people.. do I make an impact.. Sometimes im just not sure.. some how i seem to fuck everything up.. I can't keep people happy, like Im not good enough.. but you know what.. I dont care what you think after I thought about it.. you see pretty soonI wont have to deal with any of you..

Colleen-yea nana is stressed alot.. so id dad.. i dont think I can stay another night being its just such a bad sight.. i feel really bad for the poor old guy.. newayz.. im glad we got Theresa last night *seatblets* hahahah oh and "Oager Boots" HAHAH LMAO..


1of my star. | reaching to grab..

Happy Birthday Reese.. [28 Aug 2003|07:59am]
[ mood | okay ]

Yesterday I went with Colleen, and we got Reese b/c today is her bday.. It was nice considering I havent seen her since school got out.. We went back to COlleen's house n talked n caught up on things.. then we ordered pizza.. let me tell was that good (shh im hungry now.. lol) then we watched like a 1/2 hour of Me Myself & Irene.. it was ok.. then we went to the movies n saw Pirates Of The Carribean.. with Damn is Johnny n Orlando loking god in that movie.. lol.. so then we got back to Colleen's house n made Theresa cal her mom upstairs n Colleen and I had a little cake with "happy birthday Theresa" on it.. and she came down n she was all happy.. it was nice.. lol.. then mom harbin droped me off at my gmoms in Country Lakes.. bc my clothes were in from the catalog I ordered from.. It was so late so I wound up staying there. so it wasnt bad.. but I have to get going bc I have to get ready for work..

<3 Always,

reaching to grab..

Grrr.. [26 Aug 2003|11:10pm]
Dam Ujournal is a pain so I had to make a new journal.. which I did not want to do.. Thanks George for the site.. actually I kinda like this one better.. although its not much different.. So much to say.. although theres not really anything new.. my g-fateher is outta the hospital.. but he's anemic and he is bleeding internally.. so sadly he doesnt have much time.. but what can I do? so thats the update there..

Alot of people are so arrogant.. they leave me in a melancholy state.. people always have to put others down to make themselves feel good? well what the hell people.. after you put someone down UR STILL YOU! u didnt change.. u just put urself lower than them.. and I dont get y ppl always have to find something about someone to talk about.. dont you have your life? Just everyday crap.. that I wont deal with.. im sorri but im tried of ppl goin "oh she sleeps with him. adn hes cheating on her.. or she smokes or something.. i mean gte real ppl.. its THERE DAMN BIZ.. so y u bother tellin me who knows.. i usually dont listen anyway.. haha.. so yea im admitting im ignoring you 1/2 the time..

wickedjuggaleet: you there?

Auto response from wickedjuggaleet: :-\:'(.. Why me?

wickedjuggaleet: because i love you lol

^ ^
I love ash.. what would i do with out her?

man what a day.. i think im gonna go to bed.. if you want to check out ne of my entries in the previous journal i had the link is:

1of my star. | reaching to grab..

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