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Momma Dadda Sad but true [20 May 2003|09:10pm]
[ mood | worried ]

It's funny how things turn out. I've lost my virginity. Decisions can't be taken back for sure now. So I'm just sitting here, waiting for my monthly reminder that I'm a woman to visit me. It's been 5 days I've been waiting now. I like to think there are factors that play in her delay. Stopping a dosage of birth control, not taking my thyroid medication correctly, stress, frustration from impatient waiting. I've been resposible, using 3 types of protection. Is it possible that 9 months from now I'll be standing at the stove at 3 in the morning warming a bottle of milk? I like to think not. I like to have faith that it's just nasty recurring dream I'm having lately. I just sit here lately, going through the regular monthly symptoms. Some motherly advice sounds great, but I'd be 6 feet below the surface listening to it if I wanted that comfort. I'm confident though. Let faith in my responsibility, and the fact that I'm not going through pregnancy pains, carry me through. Hopefully I'll be seeing red tomorrow. Only time can tell. Breathe in a out. No cries for Momma tonight.

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It's his party, and I'll cry if I want to [14 Apr 2003|08:49pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Maybe I'm over-reacting, but if you loved me, you'd be here with me right now. See, yesterday you left to celebrate and I had a bad feeling that something wrong would help. Low and behold, you came in, unaware of your surroundings. You were so disoriented. For hours, you prayed before the porcelain god. I thought she'd gotten the best of you; that green fairy. Hours rolled on by and your shouts only became louder. One slap to the left, one call to the red and white, one second later and things were getting better. A sleepless night, but I survived. You seemed so peaceful covered in white cotton fields. Out of all the flowers, I was there for you to find someone familiar, making sacrifices of my own. No recollection of the night before, things rolled off your shoulders. No big deal. I open my eyes only to feel this piercing pain in the pits of my soul. I've always thought love was a two-way street. You give some, you take some, and everything grows up daisies. Every time I woke up, I felt anialated, even forgotten. That I had put this extreme step forward in rescuing you from this void and you were totally oblivious to these actions. I felt empty, like a carton a spoiled milk on a rainy sunday afternoon, tant from isolation.

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A New Beginning [08 Apr 2003|01:38am]
I've decided to start a new online journal for many reasons. Maybe I'm trying to go outside of my box a little bit. I don't know. It's just comforting to know that I can sit at my computer and type whatever comes out of my head and into this website. For that fact, many websites. I'm an expressive person and I give props to everybody who holds on tightly to their expressive nature. Here's to expressive people!

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