Date:	2005-11-17 17:13
Subject:	...and Still I Feel Guilty
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake

"Your life and my life flow into each other as wave flows into wave, and unless there is peace and joy and freedom for you, there can be no real peace or joy or freedom for me. To see reality--not as we expect it to be but as it is--is to see that unless we live for each other and in and through each other, we do not really live very satisfactorily; that there can really be life only where there really is, in just this sense, love."
-- (Carl) Frederick Buechner

Date:	2005-11-10 23:04
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	discontent
Music:	Anna Nalick-Wreck of the Day

All of these current brushes with mortality are making me want to run away from the world. Hide in my bed, get high, something.
Another one of the girls we were helping in Kenya over the summer died. She needed some minor surgery, and we gave her the money to pay for it, and I think someone figured out that Americans were paying for her and kept delaying the surgery to try to get more money out of us (we don't cooperate with the bribe system, so of course this didn't work out for them) and she died while waiting in the hospital.

S.'s mother sent him an email overtly threatening to kill herself.

My roommate's good friend fell out of a 3rd-floor window while sleepwalking, may be paralyzed, and is currently incapable of breathing properly without assistance.

How do I make sense out of any of this, and bear all of it while continuing to function...The world doesn't make sense anymore.

Date:	2005-11-10 00:21
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy
Music:	Tori Amos-Enjoy the Silence

Follow-up on the pregnancy scare: I am not pregnant. My period simply had a really unusual delay. Oh, and I gained a few pounds, so I don't really like myself right now, physically. More later.

Date:	2005-11-03 16:16
Subject:	Pictures!
Security:	Public
Mood:	artistic

Pictures, I have pictures! Or, more accurately, I've stopped giving a shit about who sees pictures of me, so I now have a photobucket account. http://photobucket.com/albums/c331/gumbygirl912/

Date:	2005-11-01 17:19
Subject:	It's Hard on a Girl When the Blood Don't Come When It Ought to Come...
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	Everclear-Pale Green Stars

Welcome to the psychological hell that is a pregnancy scare. I've been pretty regular, so if it doesn't come by the end of this week...oh god.

Date:	2005-10-25 15:22
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	listless
Music:	rain outside

IM conversation between me (MJDOgrrl) and S. (BrSS--changed to maintain his anonymity) last night:

MJDOgrrl: i figured i should let you know that i got home okay.
BrSS: yeah
BrSS: able to sleep anytime soon?
MJDOgrrl: don't know. i still have to purge and take a shower. (ended up bingeing when i got back...although you'd probably consider what i ate a snack)
BrSS: jesus girl
MJDOgrrl: just being honest
BrSS: how about not doing that and just dancing a little more tomorrow
BrSS: I mean jesus chrsit
MJDOgrrl: fuck you.
BrSS: yeah uh huh
BrSS: girl, I want you to be honest
BrSS: I also want you to recognize your behavior
BrSS: buy a bottle of wine and have a glass. buy a bottle of whiskey and have a glass. just do something that is moderated
MJDOgrrl: how is alcohol any better than this
BrSS: because there's nothing wrong with one glass as long as you are entirely aware of what you're doing. alcohol can have a purpose if used properly, in that it can relax. equivalent to taking a sedative, except not as strong and actually not as addictive
BrSS: if nothing else, do make sure you're not doing that to spite me. I don't think I even need to elaborate on that any further
MJDOgrrl: i'm doing it because i'm pissed off and confused and hurt and lost and scared
BrSS: so stay that way--it's not going to make you feel any better
MJDOgrrl: no, but it'll...
MJDOgrrl: i don't know
BrSS: because then you're confronted with the fact that now you're pissed off, confused, lost, scared and have just broken you're own will power
MJDOgrrl: i don't know anything anymore. i don't know how to do anything right anymore
MJDOgrrl: i feel like i don't know how to function in normal society. i mean, wtf is my problem with being found attractive? why does that raise such odd, conflicted, mostly negative feelings in me?
MJDOgrrl: why is that so hard for me to deal with? why does it make me want to run away from life? when did beauty change from being a source of inspiration to being something to be consumed?
BrSS: when you lost faith in other people
MJDOgrrl: well how the hell do i get that back
BrSS: when you realize that I'm not the only person like me, that I don't have all the answers any more than anybody else and that there are other people in this world you can depend upon; it just requires time
BrSS: and I think you need to try to find more things that bring you joy in themselves
BrSS: that's about the only thing I can do right now
BrSS: all this salinger nonsense is me chasing something that pleases me, a rather dramatic break from my previous endeavors in the last year, outside of sculpture
BrSS: (and other crazed ventures into the humanities)
BrSS: but otherwise, you just need to relax and start accepting yourself and that maybe you don't deserve to be abused
BrSS: you desperately need to accept yourself
BrSS: there's nothing that can fill the absence left when you feel you have no power or worth; I certainly can't fill that
MJDOgrrl: i feel like i can either accept myself or the world, but not both.
BrSS: well, that's obviously an unhealthy and self-defeating belief
BrSS: your view of the world is a consequence of how you view yourself
MJDOgrrl: in what way
BrSS: whether you've been abused is independent from whether you believe the world will abuse you
BSS: that stems from a belief that you fundamentally are subject to abuse, that you deserve to be abused
BrSS: you can prevent that
MJDOgrrl: that's not true. if it's happened before, it can happen again. that is true
BrSS: you can prevent it
BrSS: you can always maintain you do not deserve it
BrSS: you are above it
BrSS: you forget that we're operating under the same conditions
BrSS: if you're subject to abuse outside of your control, so am I
BrSS: and I am sure as hell not going to be abused
MJDOgrrl: i just feel like i don't know where to draw the line with guys, like i don't know whether i'm overreacting to something they say or do or whether it's a legitimate concern
MJDOgrrl: (my god. i think i'd kill myself or join the witness protection program if i ever became famous.)
MJDOgrrl: sometimes i enjoy the attention but sometimes i just don't know...
BrSS: if they tell you you're attractive independent of any other features, seemingly without any mind for any other features, then you have the right to not entertain their advances
BrSS: you have the right to only desire the company of men who, from first impression on, seek to understand you more broadly
BrSS: and make that known
BrSS: there are fewer, but among the smaller pool there are undoubtedly fewer assholes ultimately
MJDOgrrl: yeah i know. i'm basically trying to sort out who i legitimately have a reason to be rude to
MJDOgrrl: but i suppose that generally covers it
BrSS: you don't have to be rude to anyone
BrSS: just don't be anything
MJDOgrrl: that's impossible
BrSS: be uninterested
MJDOgrrl: ah
BrSS: some girls pull it off
BrSS: girl, I'm sort of fading
MJDOgrrl: well go to sleep then
BrSS: please don't purge. you will be exercising a control far more worthy of pride if you do not than if you do
MJDOgrrl: well in 10 minutes or so it won't make a difference whether i do or i don't, speaking in terms of significant caloric absorption, so i probably won't. can't guarantee that i'll eat tomorrow, though
BrSS: well, again, making yourself eat is a far more difficult thing to do than making yourself not eat
BrSS: I don't think you're too impressed with yourself for not eating anymore honestly
MJDOgrrl: nah...if anything, it's an occasional means of maintaining a certain perceived state, not any sort of accomplishment
BrSS: well, regardless, making yourself not eat does still make you weak
MJDOgrrl: only when you've used up short-term glycogen stores.
BrSS: I'm not talking about that kind of weak
MJDOgrrl: ?
BrSS: making yourself not eat is a willful sacrifice of your right to live as a normal human being
BrSS: you deserve to eat girl
BrSS: you deserve to weigh 135 pounds
BrSS: especially when you couldn't look any better at ten pounds lighter anyway
MJDOgrrl: i don't understand your last statement
BrSS: you're attractive
BrSS: how attractive you are doesn't change with the loss of ten pounds. that's simply fact
MJDOgrrl: you're joking
BrSS: yes girl
BrSS: I'm joking
BrSS: about something like this
BrSS: look, you believe what you like, but this is coming from someone who generally is more attracted to petite women to begin with and is going to tell you the truth. for christ's sake, your waste couldn't get any thinner and the rest of you couldn't get any more attractive if we could just find a bloody pair of pants that fits well
BrSS: girl, I have to go to sleep. but seriously, if you lost ten pounds, I really don't think I'd notice. you're thin. that's all there is to it. there isn't any excess weight there to lose
MJDOgrrl: i'll try to internalize that somehow.
BrSS: otherwise it would have been a lot easier to lose the weight by now without having to resort to starving yourself
BrSS: dancing five hours a day would do that if the body fat were there
BrSS: I mean, you have two rather determined deposits, but not much to do about them
MJDOgrrl: ...yeah...
BrSS: ok, girl. I'm going to collapse. I do love you. please take care of yourself. you deserve to. try to sleep some if you feel you can
BrSS: (finish what you're typing)
MJDOgrrl: i'm still fucking pissed off, but more at wrestling with larger things than you. good night. i love you. even when i'm damn fucking frustrated with the way things are between us in person right now

Date:	2005-10-24 22:33
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	Tori Amos-Jackie's Strength

Ups and downs and trying to be okay with feeling isolated. Will update more later.

Date:	2005-10-22 02:23
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold

This is not good. At dinner I spontaneously started adding up the approximate calorie counts of everything I'd eaten so far in order to determine how much I'd allow myself to eat for dinner and the rest of the evening. Then I purposely ate 100 calories less for dinner than I had allotted. I had allowed for a couple of lighter drinks or a late night snack if I went out, but when I bought food for a snack I brought it back to my room, then put it down and pulled out the scale. And weighed myself an inordinate number of times. Stripped down to my underwear and did it again. Went to the bathroom, then came back and did it again. Always in front of the mirror. The mirror tells me I'm making progress, that I'm looking better (skinnier and more toned) by the week, but the scale says I'm still fat. I still haven't touched my planned snack. I am physically hungry, and I am consciously denying myself nourishment. This is starving myself. This is not good.
I am supposed to be in recovery. I am supposed to be taking care of myself. I am supposed to have stopped obsessing. This doesn't look like recovery. This looks like anorexia.

Again.

I feel broken, and I'm frustrated and ashamed of it.

Date:	2005-10-17 00:53
Subject:	Just 2 Lost Souls Swimming in a Fishbowl, Year After Year...
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed
Music:	Pink Floyd-Wish You Were Here

So by now I've realized that most of S.'s motivation in breaking up with me/needing space stems from his mother's continued and increasing reliance on him. The whole situation with her scares the crap out of me as a specter of what a person can become.

Background: She's crazy. Bipolar, compulsive shopper, and just...crazy. Example 1: when S. visited me over New Year's, she had a 20-minute-long argument with him over the phone because she was convinced he had stolen her toothpaste and taken it with him on purpose (note: he hadn't even set foot in her bathroom). Example 2: she owns 15 dish sets and uses 2. By the time he was in high school, S. didn't have a bedroom in her house anymore because his room was too filled with random crap she bought and never used.

She's always been too dependent on S. When he was younger she always yelled at him to help out around the house more, so he's done everything from helping to clean the house to doing major landscaping, construction, and renovation (he spent last Spring Break putting up drywall in her house). He's done her taxes for years. I think at this point she believes that she's mostly helpless.

Current situation: She's become increasingly bitter and incapable of having a meaningful relationship with anyone, she's been repeatedly denied custody of S. and his sister, she's broke, unemployed, and for some reason her marketable job skills are vastly deteriorating (she can't really operate a computer and S. says her writing, which used to be great, is now almost incomprehensible). She's in her early 50's, and basically has no reason to live. S. is simultaneously terrified of her killing herself and fully aware of how much easier things would be for her and for those who care about her if she actually did.

It's nightmarish and heart-wrenching for me to hear him talk about this. I have no idea what to say to any of this.
At this point, the only thing I can take away from all of it is that I have to be strong for S. as well as for myself. He's spent too long watching those he loves get hurt and deteriorate.

But other than that, I don't know...I might talk to my therapist about it. S. is currently on a mad search through good literature for any insight into life. Both of us are searching for some kind of faith. It seems like each of us has individually leaned towards Buddhism by now, but I don't know. Feeling lost and struggling, but each taking some comfort in knowing we're not alone in the struggle.

Oh yeah, clarification: I have no idea what's going on with us/our relationship, exactly. I was on my way to a party near his dorm last night and then someone large fell onto my foot and I needed ice (I'm performing on Thursday, so I'm not taking any chances with potential injuries), so I went to his room and asked for ice. I had planned on just icing my foot long enough to feel okay walking home, but S. insisted that I stay. Then one of his close friends called and invited us over to drink with him, so we went over and all three of us got ridiculously trashed and said things that we'd never say sober. S.'s friend talked about missing his hometown in Romania, and swore that it's impossible to ever relive the kind of happiness you experience in childhood. When S. went to the bathroom, his friend kept trying to convince me to let go of everything I've been feeling in the wake of our breakup, and I kept talking about how S. is the best thing to ever happen to me and how I love him more than anything. I don't remember what S. said. I think he was mostly taking it all in and then taking care of both of us (his friend got puke-drunk, and S. was slightly less inebriated, so he did everything necessary to make sure his friend would be okay going to sleep. Well, mostly. My contribution was getting water for S.'s friend and offering words of encouragement.).
S. decided I was too drunk to be sent home alone, so I stayed over at his place. It was wonderful. Just the simple comfort of sleeping curled up next to each other was wonderful. We both kind of half-woke up around noon, drifting in and out of sleep, until S. said he couldn't fall asleep due to raging hormones. Sleeping next to a not-very-clothed girl after a month of no sex will do that to him, apparently. So we had sex. It was relatively quick, and not exactly the best we've had, but provided a good amount of comfort. But we're not necessarily back together. In fact, S. said he felt like he was betraying me in some way (because he believes sex should mean something and not be cheapened into merely satisfying a bodily need). So yeah, I don't know. He did say that enjoyed having me around, though.

Oh, god. I have a paper due in 9 hours, and a midterm in 8 hours that I haven't yet studied for. Damn introspection and reflection.

Date:	2005-10-14 00:06
Subject:	Day of Atonement
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	Susan Tedeschi-Angel from Montgomery

I may not be able to believe in god anymore, but I still believe that most of the Jewish customs I was raised with are worth something, including acknowledging one's wrongdoings and asking the whole universe for forgiveness.

If god exists, I am sorry that what I have seen of humanity has made me lose my faith.
I am sorry for taking good people and things for granted.
I am sorry for wasting food and resources.
I am sorry for continuing to disrespect my body.
I am sorry for holding grudges, and not being capable of forgiving others.
I am sorry for having such a filthy mouth.
I am sorry for insulting people.
I am sorry for lying to people.
I am sorry for desiring revenge on those who have hurt me.
I am sorry for acting on some of those desires.
I am sorry for making my mother feel like a failure at mothering.
I am sorry for exhausting S., and not respecting his needs.
I am sorry for being inadequate to the demands of my loved ones.
I am sorry for being irresponsible.
I am sorry for being lazy.
I am sorry for being materialistic.
I am sorry for wasting my talents.
I am sorry for eternally alienating myself from my family through getting a tattoo (tattooed people can't be buried in Jewish cemeteries, according to Biblical law).
I am sorry for not giving as much of myself and my resources to those in need as I should.
I am sorry for not fasting and not going to services today.
I am sorry that fasting today would have been done in a narcissistic intent to improve the look of my body.
I am sorry for failing to live up to others' expectations.
I am sorry for being selfish.
I am sorry for being weak and scared.

For all of this, and any wrongs that I may have forgotten or be unaware of, I apologize and ask forgiveness.

Date:	2005-10-13 15:48
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed
Music:	Jewel-You Were Meant for Me

Just as my friends and I were giving me a collective pat-on-the-back for handling the breakup well, I realized last night that I really haven't been dealing with all of it. I can survive without S. I can, with just a few minor slip-ups, take care of myself, mostly. I can find other people to spend time with, other activities to occupy time we used to spend together. I can fill my bed with cozy pillows and blankets to minimize the unpleasantness of sleeping alone every night. I can try to supplant cuddling and kisses with hot showers and tea. I can be happy for him when I see him spending more time with his friends. I can be okay with all of this, and ride out the waves of emotions.
And then I realize that most of his friends are girls.
And then I remember something he said about not knowing whether he might have an interest in dating some of them.
And then I realize that I haven't even considered the possibility of him moving on to a new relationship.
And then I realize that I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS.

Mine. mine mine mine mine mine. I just let him get some fresh air to figure himself out, right? Right? Oh god...

Date:	2005-10-11 01:48
Subject:	In vino veritas?
Security:	Public
Mood:	curious
Music:	Everclear- The Twist Inside

Late last night at a party I had somewhat of an epiphany. I should experiment to find out if it's possible for me to be romantically interested in girls. Because I can't be with another guy after S. It's not just an emotional thing; I get physically ill just contemplating it. I have other reasons, too (being more adventurous in general, really trying to live up to my desire to be the kind of person to not rule things out before trying them once, stuff like that). So...yeah. Who knows if I'll feel this way in a week, but that's where I am now.

Side note: I was in the dance studio for 7 1/2 hours today. One 6-hour rehearsal and a class. I haven't weighed myself in a while, but all of my smaller size 6 pants are falling off of me.

Date:	2005-10-06 01:33
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	Godspeed You Black Emperor-Providence

Tonight looks like it's going to be the first night in years in which neither S. nor I are physically prevented from communicating, but he still will fail to even say good night.

Last night he said good night, but for the first time in years, he did NOT follow that statement with "I love you."

God this is hard.

Date:	2005-10-04 20:27
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	uncomfortable

I hate sleeping alone. I hate studying alone. I miss reading curled up on S.'s bed, touching just enough to remind each other that our minds weren't entirely on studying. I miss hearing him sing to himself under his breath.

I feel so selfish.

Date:	2005-10-03 09:35
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	Tori Amos-Winter

S. broke up with me last night. My thoughts are in a big messy traffic jam, and I feel fragile. I got 4 hours of sleep last night. I don't want to eat. Even water feels too thick. I feel terrified, in mourning, and noble. Terrified of dealing with the rest of the male gender without S.'s protection (although to a certain extent i think he'll still try to protect me). Mourning the loss of a romance with the love of my life. He's promised though, repeatedly, to love and support me for the rest of our lives, just not necessarily in a romantic relationship. Noble because I am giving him what he needs: time and space to be alone and figure himself out, without the guarantee of him ever returning to me. He won't let me contemplate the possibility of us getting back together, although he doesn't entirely rule it out. I am doing this because I love him enough to let him do what he needs to be happy and find fulfillment in life. I wish I were enough for that for him, but it is what it is. So it goes.

Date:	2005-09-30 15:37
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Tori Amos-"Oceans"

Where am I? Back in Boston. How am I? Complex. Generally okay, generally healthier than I was last fall, and still grappling with a hell of a lot of shit.

5 days after I came back to school, I found out via email that one of the girls I'd had really heartfelt conversations with in Kenya died of anemia. She was around my age (late teens--early 20's) and died while giving birth to her 4th child. She was a prostitute, because she couldn't earn enough money to survive any other way. To say that I was depressed by the news is an extreme oversimplification. I was, and still am, floored, pissed off, and mystified that in this day and age someone with so much life in her could die of such a preventable condition.

Somewhat related to that episode is my struggle to find faith, to find some kind of system of something to believe in. I don't believe in god anymore because of crap like this. I don't believe that the kind of god I was raised to believe in would let such extreme injustices exist, would let people commit such horrible crimes against each other as they do on a daily basis. But I need some kind of belief system, so I don't know.

Relationships: After telling my boyfriend and my therapist about the conversation my parents had with me on the car ride up to Boston, they both concluded that my mother is abusive and needs therapy. She told me I make her feel like she's failed as a mother. That I've failed to follow her model, failed to become a considerate, caring adult. I almost threw myself out of the car and onto the highway.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend is asking for more space and time to himself to sort out what he needs to be happy. He's scared his mother is going to kill herself before Thanksgiving. I care about him too much to even consider saying no to such a request, but I miss the intimacy that's gotten cut off between us. We still talk, but we see each other so infrequently that I simultaneously crave and feel weird about sexual stuff. It's sad and uncomfortable.

I'm getting more dance parts, so that's good. And I'm getting closer to some of my friends here, which is good in the wake of losing my best friend (not dead, just changed into a horribly superficial and narcissistic person).
And I have a good, nice roommate this year, and I like my room and most of my classes.

So yeah, complicated.

Date:	2005-08-20 03:10
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	grumpy

I think AIM is faking me out. I don't think it's actually sending messages when I click on "send." Stupid Africa.

Date:	2005-08-19 17:41
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed

In Kenya. I want to go home. It's going to be a long couple of days until I leave, and right now I just want them to go faster.

I feel bad, because it has nothing to do with the people we're helping here, or the actual work part. I just miss being around people my own age that I can relate to. I miss my boyfriend, and one of my good friends is going through a messy breakup, and because of the time difference I can't call them when they'd be available to talk, so I feel depressed and frustrated. And I miss eating fresh vegetables. And other things. Africa is beautiful, but it's currently very straining for me to pretend to be friends with the 40-year-old people I'm working with.

Date:	2005-08-04 15:34
Subject:	On the edge of something I haven't done before
Security:	Public
Mood:	nervous
Music:	Pink-Don't Let Me Get me

I'm going to Kenya on Tuesday for 2 weeks, and I'm scared out of my mind. I know once I'm there it'll be an exciting adventure, but right now all I can think about is what if I forget something, what if my stuff gets stolen, what if something worse happens, am I really prepared (no, I never will be, because you're never really prepared for something like this), will I go crazy being completely separated from everything I know except for one woman I haven't really seen since I was 14 (probably, but it's only 2 weeks), and when did I become such a fucking scaredy-cat.
Arrgh.

So frustrated with myself, my size, my conflicting desires, and the fact that I feel like I'm constantly running out of time to do everything and anything. And sick of feeling this way. I don't know what I want. I do, but I don't. (that sounds like it doesn't make sense, but it does). Ack. So mixed up. Trying not to b/p because I really can't afford it, financially. And there's no way in hell I'm b/p'ing after tonight, because S. is coming tomorrow and staying until I leave, and on Sunday I start taking my anti-malaria pills and there's no way I'd risk accidentally knocking that stuff out of my system...

I need something to kick me out of this anxious mindset. S. has been telling me that I put too much stress on myself unnecessarily, that I make everything into a bigger deal than it needs to be...I feel like I don't have any center, any bastion of calm to hold onto besides him, and he and I both know that having him be my only support is too much to ask of any one person.
I need something, and so far the only options I've come up with is trying anti-depressants again or finding religion (ha. like that's going to happen anytime soon...). S. joked that maybe joining a cult is exactly what I need: all-consuming, dominating, regimented, and presented as something to put your total faith in. Now if only I were gullible...lol

I'm just scared and nervous about everything. I get worked up too easily, and I'm sick of feeling this way.

Sorry for disappearing; I wasn't sure if anyone still read any of this.

I'm in NYC again for the summer, working on my mind and my body. I'm also working part-time for a web design company, which has its ups and downs. The work I do (admin assistant stuff and writing text for websites) isn't exactly the most exciting thing in the world, but I like the people I work with, and most of the time I'm in the office I end up doing nothing besides exchanging life stories with my boss. And I still get paid for it. So that's cool.

It's been hard living here by myself. My best friend was supposed to be living with me, but she bailed at the last minute, causing me to not only be isolated almost every night, but also raising my rent because she refused to pay her part after she bailed. So financial pressure alone has been helping me cut down on the b/p. I'm still backsliding a bit in my recovery from where I was during the school year, but it's not as bad as it was last summer, so I'm willing to still count this as progress. It's hard, though.

Another thing that's been difficult is living without my boyfriend S. He and I spent almost every night together for months, and now we only see each other for a couple of days every 2 weeks or so, and he hates talking on the phone and puts up with it simply because it's either that or not staying in touch, and both of us definitely want to stay in contact with each other. But I'm sleeping in a fucking queen-size bed by myself. It's awful. I usually end up making a little nest of pillows and blankets in one corner and sleeping there, but I think I'm becoming an insomniac. I essentially have to stay up until I'm too exhausted to mope about the fact that I feel so alone.

I'm trying to lose weight, too, in an at least semi-sane way this time, as opposed to extreme restriction and flat-out starving. We'll see how long that lasts--both the losing weight part and the semi-sane part.

I'm just trying to keep in mind the realization that I came to when I decided to go off Prozac, that I had 2 options: to take the easier path by controlling my range of emotions through anti-depressants for the rest of my life, or to be true to myself, accept my full natural range of emotions, but realize that it would be much more difficult and that I would have to search for another way to survive in this world without tearing myself apart. I chose not to take the easier path, which means that I can't let myself just keep falling apart.
So I'm trying. I'm trying to increase the amount of things in my life that bring me joy, trying to find healthy methods of relaxation and release that work for me consistently, trying to get myself in the habit of using those methods when I need to, instead of continuing to self-destruct, and trying to find the balance in allowing myself to be vulnerable around the right people, but also being strong enough that I don't need to rely unduly on those supportive people that I can be vulnerable with.

Ack. So that's where I am: a lot of stuff, but I feel like it's a bunch of little loose ends, like maybe a year from now I'll be finally entirely recovered. Maybe. I'm not setting any deadlines on this. But I can't allow myself to stop moving forward with it, either.