Date:	2006-06-26 01:02
Subject:	sifting my thoughts
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Antja Davelcot- "Reasonland"

"I remember trying so hard, and I remember that no one ever told me I was good enough! All I ever wanted to do was be a happy kid, but I was always this little adult, and no one ever told me I was a good kid!" -Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof." -Richard Bach

"Don't worry about the future
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation
by chewing bubble gum
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never cross your worried mind
The kind that blindside you at 4 AM on some idle Tuesday." -Mary Schmich

When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap. –Cynthia Heimel, “Lower Manhattan Survival Tactics”

Date:	2006-06-18 23:20
Subject:	'Cause Things Are Going to Change So Fast...
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless
Music:	Train-"Drops of Jupiter"

I walked into an aerial silks class last Monday. I was offered a 2-year contract with the dance company teaching the class on Tuesday. I accepted the offer yesterday, and I officially start work tomorrow.
I'm nervous and excited and scared as hell.

On one hand, I've wanted this for as long as I can remember. On the other hand, I'm taking an indefinite leave of absence from Harvard instead of finishing my last year of college, and I don't have a day job yet, and when I do get a day job I'll most likely be working 20+ hours a week in addition to training/rehearsing 30-40 hours a week with the dance company. eek.

Date:	2006-06-12 15:09
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

No b/p in 6 months! Woohoo!

I'll write more later. Just needed to get that out there. :D

I want to disappear. I want to run away. I want to become a mouse, insignificant, independent, and unused to being held lovingly. I want to forget that the things I miss even exist.

Life has gotten so small...all i do is try to write papers (and then fail to accomplish anything other than wasting time, even on Adderall), study for finals, and sleep. Anytime I try to be social it fails because everyone is in their own little study-bubble too--even S. And trying to talk to people outside of Harvard is pretty much impossible right now because my fucking cellphone is only getting enough service to receive calls, but not to actually let me talk to or call people. I am in socially/academically-induced solitary confinement and it SUCKS. I'm studying/writing in S.'s room or in the common room, and I still feel so alone.

I feel like I'm slowly being crushed by the inhumanly monotonous demands of life.

Where's my release/outlet/escape?

Date:	2006-05-14 18:01
Subject:	fucked.
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated

I want to b/p. I want to smoke and smoke and smoke cloves. I am feeling so restrained by life, so cut off from everything I actually want to do. I know it's just a couple of days until I'm done with the semester, but there's so much left to do...
I am not turning papers in on time, and it's really bothering me. Why does it suddenly seem horrendously difficult to write coherent papers? It's terrifying. And it's cutting into my time for studying for my 2 finals later this week, and on catching up with friends that I'm not going to see for a very long time (like J., who's spending a year in Scotland starting in June). Oh, and I still have a much higher sex drive than my bf S., who isn't willing to compromise as much because he's worried about his own papers, so now I'm both sexually frustrated and feeling gross for making him feel somehow exploited.

Fucking goddamn hell. I just need some fucking RELEASE from all of it...

Date:	2006-05-12 02:10
Subject:	...and yes, that's me in my new icon.
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake

I will not be released from this bondage until I have released myself.
No man can do it for me.
There is a cry against Fate when first we see her face. But then after the terror of recognition passes we can live with her as we are destined to do--forever--
We can never escape her presence any more--ever--
Then we can cultivate and know Joy because we must or go mad.
For there is no hope--there is only what we do--


(--Martha Graham)

Date:	2006-05-03 17:27
Subject:	We didn't know/we didn't even try/one minute there was road beneath us/and the next just sky
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed
Music:	Ani Difranco--Falling is like this

Things are falling apart.

I can't afford going to Burning Man. Realizing that was crushing, but only temporarily so...but...just when I was coming to terms with that...

I found out that I got rejected by the artist-development grants I applied for this summer, which means I can't afford aerial dance lessons this summer. Which means I basically have no shot of ever improving my technique, because sporadically practicing on my own silks whenever I can find space and a spotter only helps me choreograph stuff but doesn't actually significantly improve the range of what I can do.

I have very few definite things to look forward to this summer. I have to grapple with term papers and finals and not having the time or money to take dance classes here for the next 3 weeks, and then I'm heading to NYC with no job and very little money. I have a place to stay, and I'll be taking classes in the same places I did last year (only without the aerial dance stuff), and I won't be able to afford to go out with friends or to see performances. What the fuck am I going to do?

Oh, and S. is going to Germany for at least 6 weeks, possibly 3 months.

I am terrified and crushed.

Date:	2006-04-27 23:46
Subject:	ramble ramble
Security:	Public
Mood:	pensive
Music:	The Pixies-Ana

I'll just briefly write for now...

My mind is still floating, slowed down by catching up on contemplation and hence not as productive as I should be, considering I have 4 term papers and two final projects due in the next week and a half...so I'll only ramble a little bit, because I really should get back to working on all that soon.

Recovering from a really intense performance run, but also suffering from a artist-version of post-partum depression: I miss being onstage, even though my last show was Sunday. I'm depressed that the incredible experience of working with not 1, but THREE incredibly talented and wise guest artists is over.

Also simultaneously happy that I got skinnier (while staying the same weight, which means nobody gets on my case about it), and terrified of now getting out of shape or gaining weight, especially since my college's dance classes end on Wednesday. But I think I'll be highly motivated to keep my boobs at their now-shrunk-to-C-cup state, considering I feel either fat or cartoonish when I'm a D-cup.

I'm generally thoughtful, trying to carve out more time to write down all the fragments of fictional and quasi-fictional stories that seem to be rising to the surface with increasing frequency.

Currently listening to a lot of The Pixies, and feel like I need a batch of new music, both for choreographing and for listening.

Is she weird
Is she white
Is she promised to the night
And her head has no room...

-The pixies, "Is She Weird"

I am so busy...so much to do...I should be in class right now, but I'm still not-quite-better from the bad cold/sore throat/sinus whatever-it-is I came down with over the weekend, so I decided to take the morning off, because I don't have a choice about this afternoon. Oh, back-to-back tech weeks. Ew.

I also have a paper journal that I usually write in about 4 times as often and as much as I write in anything online, but I've been so busy I haven't had time to write in it in about a month, and it's frustrating because all of those thoughts are still floating around in my mind and I want to get them down on paper because they're important.

I'm dancing a lot, I'm getting a lot of positive feedback on my dancing and my choreography, I have amazing teachers, I like my classes, and while I've stayed around 130 lbs. since January, I've managed to continue to lose fat and become more streamlined. My breasts just shrunk back down to a C-cup and I'm thrilled about that. I'm just doing so much it's exhausting. I hate to say that I'm doing too much, because I love all of it. It's just wearing me out.

S. is wonderful. When I started to break down last week, and felt like all of it was just too much pressure and too much responsibility, he showed up at the theater with this gorgeous stem of huge white orchids. I love orchids, and nobody ever bothers to get them for me because the really nice ones always cost more than roses...Anyway, I just mean to say that it really meant a lot to me, because he's almost as busy as I am these days.
I love him so much. Even when there are problems to work out, our relationship is so important to me, so special, that I'll put up with the frustration of dealing with it.

Oh, and my roommate this year is wonderful, and I'm overjoyed that she wants to live together next year too.

I'm still worried about affording this summer, and really bummed at the prospect of not having the $$ to go to Burning Man, but generally I'm too busy right now to give any of that much thought. Which is not a horrible thing, really...

So basically the only major body issues I have left are my thighs and my skin. If I could lose about 5 lbs. of fat off my thighs and finally really have clear skin for a substantial amount of time, then I'd be alright. Not perfect, mind you, but I think I'd be okay with it.

Date:	2006-03-15 01:57
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried
Music:	Philip Glass-Metamorphosis 3

I am grateful for my boyfriend.
I am grateful for my education.
I am grateful for the opportunity to dance.
I am grateful for the opportunity to teach.
I am grateful for the opportunity to create.
I am grateful for my job.
I am grateful for the nice weather we've been having.
I am grateful for my clothes.
I am grateful for all my other possessions.
I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for my treatment team (therapist, prescriber, etc.)
I am grateful for my family.
I am grateful for my physical integrity.
I am grateful for my ability to write.
I am grateful for my mental and physical talents.
I am grateful for my senses.
I am grateful for existing.

And I need to keep all of this in mind, because if I don't, I'm dangerously close to relapsing.




By the end of this summer, I will probably be broke if not in debt. And I don't make that much money during the school year. So...I'll be lucky if I have $1000 to my name by the time I graduate. You can't make a deposit on an apartment lease in NYC with $1000.

What the fuck am I going to do...(other than live on diet coke and Adderall. and bingepurge)

Date:	2006-03-09 12:14
Subject:	Yarp Yarp Yarp
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated

So tired. Still. I've been taking it easy the past couple of days to try to rest up, but last night completely screwed me over. I was aiming to go to sleep by about 1:30am, which would be earlier than any night this semester...then S. asked me to look over his grant application essay around midnight, I agreed, thinking it wouldn't take that long--and then he doesn't show up until 2:30am to go over it. And because I love him and wish him the best, I fucking picked it apart until 3:20am, at which point I promptly lost all reason, snapped at him about making me lose even more sleep, cried hysterically about fearing injury due to fatigue-induced carelessness, he told me my fears were ridiculous--which made me cry and snap at him even more, and then I kicked him out so that I could finish crying and go to sleep. It was horrible.

And now? Exhausted. Didn't go to my first class today because I needed to take it a bit slower this morning, but that means I'm going to have to stay up later going over the lecture notes posted online. Still worried about the extra 2-hour Thursday rehearsal that starts tonight. Still worried about the toll of dancing 5 hours a day so many days in a row, but as my therapist aptly pointed out to me, I'm only fine with eating if I dance more than 3 hours a day, so I need to keep dancing that much so that I can feel okay about eating.

Lonely. I feel so isolated. S. is still all wrapped up in applying for travel grants, Jamie is consumed by her project for her film class, other close friends are studying abroad, I never see A. anymore...

And my face is a mess because my skin stops healing when I don't sleep enough, and I'm worried about how I'll look on the beach over Spring Break.

This fucking sucks. All of it.

Not much to say at the moment, but felt like updating.

I've been having trouble falling asleep. I think it has much more to do with things weighing on my mind than with Adderall (I make sure not to take it too late, and this doesn't feel like the Adderall is still working; it just feels like my typically busy mind refusing to quiet down).

Also, I seem to be eating a lot and losing weight. I'm not dancing any more than I was in the past (although I do dance up to 5-6 hours a day some days), so I'm hoping this means my metabolism is getting un-fucked-up.

I don't remember the last time I purged. I think it was nearly 2 months ago.

Date:	2006-01-17 22:46
Subject:	woot woot
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

I'm a model again, yes I am...artsy stuff, not high-fashion (I'm not skinny enough for high fashion). It makes me feel pretty--mostly, anyway. Some angles still remind me to keep toning, but in general the proofs I'm getting back after shoots make me feel pretty.

Also, everyone around here seems to think I look much skinnier since I came back from winter break, even though I haven't lost that much weight. Yesss.

I don't remember the last time I binged and purged. Maybe 2 weeks ago? longer?

bingepurgebingepurge arrrgh. Stress makes me do evil things.

Date:	2005-12-12 02:12
Subject:	Rumpled & Awkward.
Security:	Public
Mood:	embarrassed

I'm contemplating asking out a girl and I'm terrified of rejection, of misunderstanding, and of the possibility that I might not even be interested in her in that way. But she's the person with whom I'd want to find out. So I have no idea...what the fuck I'm doing. I feel like I'm 13 again. I mean, she is bi, but she mostly likes guys, and I've heard rumors that she's interested in me, but they're just rumors.
S. is entirely in support of any sort of expermentation-for-the-sake-of-growth-and-self-discovery, which makes me feel a bit better about the whole thing, but I'm still feeling incredibly timid and awkward. Yeah.

Notice: from now on, I will mostly be posting in myspace. I will still be checking up on my blurty friends, though, and I'll probably write stuff in here that I feel like I can't say on myspace.

For those of you who want to keep reading the bulk of what I write, visit www.myspace.com/marindancing

Date:	2005-11-27 23:47
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless

FUCK. I NEED ADDERALL.

Can't concentrate on anything worthwhile. Got maybe an hour of work done today. Currently trying to avoid using b/p'ing as a means of taking my mind off of the fact that I don't even have any reasonably meaningful distraction/"taking a break" activities anymore, and that everyone I'd possibly want to hang out with right now are actually doing their work. Fuck. Fuck Fuck Fuck. Damn.

Date:	2005-11-26 21:41
Subject:	Drifting...
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

Words I like:

Squelch
Declivity
Apocope
Syncope
Euphonious
Caesura
Enjambment
Ekphrasis
Relinquish
Svelte
Sylph
Aural
Phlebotomy
Succession
Lorax

In other news, I still can't write html.

Date:	2005-11-23 02:13
Subject:	Frustrated and Self-Conscious
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious

I do not want to go home for Thanksgiving.

I do not want to eat tomorrow.

I want to sleep with S. and work out. That is [I]it[/I].