| tired and uninspired |
[26 Jun 2003|11:59pm] |
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 depressed |
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music |
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tired and uninspired - the gloria record |
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can't wait for baybeat...hope im not working on dat day..been ages since i last update.been busy with work.
nway...theres alot of things that been bothering me much.friends,love,family,money......
u noe how difficult it is to get over the awkwardness with your good friends after not meeting them for so long or after a small fight.thats what is going on between me, fatit and jaja..and soon may even be elya...i dont want dat to happen btw me and elya.as for jaja...we did not fight or anything.we had different path and soon contact each other lesser.fatit...we argued once over money and i fiund it hard to get things back to normal eventhough the only friend she trusted is me.its hard to be her listener again after wat happen.i felt guilty but it wasnt my fault the last time we argued.
and for my boifren..the feelings i had is not strong enough to make it stand and support enough reasons for me to stay.i hate it when my family is involved.he always make use of them to bait me to come back.i dont know what im holding on to.everytime i stand firm to my decision, it seems that he can sense it and he'll be so nice to me that i wld feel guilty to leave him.i dont want to lie to him or myself and dont wish to go on a pretence.its not good for both of us.and recently, he asked to get engaged!im so scared of him at times.that many ways he tried to keep me to himself only.he's so selfish that he's blinded by his own greed.he doesnt see the point of having a relationship anymore all he want is me and me and me.like he's so obsessed.he doesnt trust me at all and yet he wants to stay wt me.TRUST is the key to keep a strong relationship going on.he wants 24/7 attention.i cant afford it.im going to Aussie to study and he cant allow it to happen.i want to go out wt my friends and it always have to start or end my day with exchange of impurity in words.its so sickening.at times when he verbally abuse me, i just dazed myself and focus my thoughts to other better stuffs.but back to reality, i still have to face that stern look on him.i hate him at times.but rite now..the feelings have faded but its overcome by hatred but boredom.im so sick and tired of everything.i just want them to stop.for once let things go my way...for the past six years, nuthing had ever go my way...
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| absence make the heart frow fonder |
[23 Jun 2003|03:12am] |
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mood |
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 angry |
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music |
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suicide and other comforts - cradle of filth |
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pardon my absense, reader.That is, if any of u read my entries...been busy.been a walking zombie.been dead.i donoe.feel shitty.have parade of problems lined up with me.marching along as i live by my day.
problem #1
my best friend of 11 years disappeared.i hate silence treatment.i rather we talk it out and resolve it.ignoring it will make matter worse especially if ders a 3rd party who is feeling evilish.not dat i blame him for being evil after what happened.i wont blame him..but blaming me for wat made him today?i have no part in it.watever i said to him to he had to take it against me.all i did was to set things stret.and he manipulate it to make it big.like hello!!!i didnt even say it with anger although i was angry.i said to u politely coz i respected u.u feel satisfaction huh?u want to ruin her life not me.she ditches u.not me!i did warned you of her.u didnt listen to me.she doesnt love u anymore.it hurts her to continue pretending and she doesnt wanna hurt u.i told u to leave her.YOU DIDNT WANNA LISTEN TO ME!and now u blamed me for all d things i adviced u upon?i told u of my opinions.when u quarelled wt her, u came to me crying.i consoled you.i helped u.der are many times i hinted to you dat is of no use to continue..u are stubborn and so is she.its your both freakin problem.why get me involve!and to d both of you, pls dun b kiddish. slammin each other thru blogging wont get u far. to HIM, aldoe u didnt include my name, i guess other ppl would have guess who you are talking abt. ppl are not dumb.why do you have to portray ur own fucking problem online, on your blog.knowin millions of passer-by can read it.seeking sympathy?between you and me is money.i just owe you 30 freakin dollars~i aint got cash and its d truth!i already paid you 100 and im dead broke and u still pressing me fer money?and u claimed u are broke after u bought xbox,ps2 and all d games!and after u sold your bike off and you are still broke?what?u claimed u need d money urgently fer ur mum??den sell of ur xbox,ps2,dreamcast and ur psone.freak!and for HER, why are u rejecting my calls?do u thk i did wrong?i dont advertise my problem dat involve ppl who knows abt who i'm talking abt online.furthermore, i never talked bad abt u online.i never bitched abt u online.i never tell others of ur wrongdoings online.so u feel great after letting others knowledge of my past?so ur weapon is my past?ur holding on to it till d day dat i reali pissed u off den u gonna shoot it?u gonna tell my boifren?when did i ever said a single thing to ur boifren?u did far worst but i didnt say it online.i dont even describe it online.im so pissed off dat i had let it off.dont feel like talking but i jez have to let it out.my boifren couldnt care less abt it coz he doesnt thk its important how others thk of u.but to me, i dont allow others to judge me simply by someone who post his entries and says things abt me aldoe my name was omitted.now i reali wonder if we were being hypocritical towards each other fer d past 11 yrs...dats wat she claimed...best friends, are we?i donoe how to clear things up but i none want to claim d blame. all push it to me!
come here, lemme shove my tumblers up ur scrappy asses.bah!
dats my #1 prob.now i get all peeved writing abt my 1st prob. i dun feel like going on to my next.shall stop here!
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| like WTF? |
[05 Jun 2003|02:14am] |
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mood |
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 complacent |
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music |
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Cursive - The Night I Lost The Will To Fight |
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its been reali long since i last met Han..and i kept rejecting his calls or msg or dates...i jez dun feel it anymore...i mean like..im happy being close to him as a fren..but den things turn a lil bit uneasy fer us...it seems dat im blamed to led him on...im jez being nice...tot he could be my gd fren but things turn ugly lately.he seems to expect sumthing fr me but i cant give it in.he's very very superly nice to him but i can only take him as a fren..nuthing more..and now it seems like he's blaming me..bah~
nway...had a nice day lately...spent equal time wt mah frens and my dearie...too lazy to elaborate....but been so long since i get to chill wt everyone i love in such a short time...mostly EVERYONE dat i missed..yeah yeah...
been goin out too much...trying to save money fer d gig dis saturday at HRC...anyone goin?
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| L O S E R |
[02 Jun 2003|02:58am] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
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music |
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Cradle of Filth - No Time To Cry |
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d best dat ever happened to me is d worst. its kinda hard to explain. dey are a fun bunch to hang out with.at dat moment.i realised that d whole lot of dem cant seem to shut their fucking mouth up. they are like bunch of school girls gossipping during lunch break.watever happened among anyone of dem will b known by lunch end.
bunch of losers.im so pissed of by dem.reali reali reali...wat is their fucking problem wt me?dey dare to say shits abt me online but when we meet up they are as timid n quiet as a mouse.when i called to confront dey refuse to pikap my kols...all of dem are jerks..dammit.one is a loser one is a jerk d other is a bastard d rest are morons.
mcm pukimak anjing satu2.pey bingit!i honestly donoe wat i've done wrong to dem.its jez my mistake to get involve wt dem.it all started by farid.cheeby...betul ye pukimak.he's d worst motherfucker i've ever known.farking sore loser.and now u thk u've triumphed?jez bcoz im not wt isk u got d upper hands to degrade me?u are luffing at me?excuseeeee me...look at urself first aight! geram nak mampus sak!!!!!! farid kena rejek je trus blow ah...padan muka kau...pukimak cam kau sape nak...kau offer satu juta pon takde nak pandang..cermin tgk retak....geram geram geram.............NETWORKS! no matter how hard i tried to fight fer right to stand up fer myself....dey are jez too many too handle....
listen up fuckers...its not dat im giving in....its not dat im losing...i believe i have won myself d battle and u guys are jez fighting fer my title..losers...get a life aight...u guys seek happiness in ppl's misery huh..u call dat satisfaction?bullying d weaker ones..yes..online im sure i cant beat all of u..i'll b too exhasuted...but why d fark when i meet or kol u ppl..u guys always in denial?why so tongue tight?call urself guys wt pussies..WTF! u seem to have alot to say online...well fer isk...yes i had wonderful time wt u..but i know one thing...u would never tand fer me in frt of ur frens even if wat dey said is hurtful...and u claimed to have loved me?rite...wats dat nway..
aku pangkah korang sumer!aku sumpah tak nak ada kena mengena dgn korang seumur hidup!aku sumpah korang pey anak pianak muka buruk cam farid,bodoh mcm farid, bebal cam farid, tak laku cam farid...
u guys thk dat u are all supercool huh..looking down on minahs n mats...i guess dos 'uncool' mats n minahs have way better respect fer ppl and more brains den...korang pk korang byk pey besar eh..mat2 oasis..belah lah mat..deep down korang masih mat2 jiwang...especially u farid..yes u!heard me?u got no farking rite to spread rumours abt me,ruin me n isk and call me names.face it!i rejected u and went to isk..loser rite...u were pissed and wanted revenge so u spreaad things abt me and isk left me.thk u.now thk of it..i dont need anyone of u as my friends or even aquaintances..bluergh!!!!!
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| missing |
[31 May 2003|04:26am] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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music |
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Catatonia - No Stones Unturned |
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i feel like im missing sumthing in life.in my years growing up, i never reali did achieved anything 'cept for graduating from primary and secondary school. i feel like i've not done much to make myself proud. im not a straight A's student or d creative ones or watever...crap.
d lawyer's letter came and i have to pay $113 by tuesday.fark it.starhub make my life miserable.im a slave to starhub.handing over all my hard earns to pay the fucking bills.bleargh~
rite now im missing few ppl. i felt dat dey made a diff in my life one way or another and deserved to b remembered. but i often wonder whether dis ppl think of me. these ppl are ppl of my past some of whom are my best frens during sch days and ex-lovers
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| bored like hell |
[30 May 2003|01:00am] |
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mood |
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thirsty |
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music |
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Saves The Day - See You |
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yes..im bored as ever. been surfing the channels.nuthing good seems to be on tv except for MTV...waiting for reply from Yus..supposed to pick me up at 2.im not even sure if he's coming over..darn!its 1+ and im getting bored n sleepy....wish i have my vehicle..i need to get my licence quick!anyone noes how to kill boredom?
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| happy thoughts |
[29 May 2003|12:42am] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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Muse - Unintended |
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and so i've got d sudden urge to indulge in mrs fields chocolate brownie,muffins, MOS burger choc cookies, swensen's ice cream....yum yum yum.....and yes i also got d urge to play at d playgrd. not d d one available at most hdb flats..but d old skool ones.u noe d one wt wooden bridge and 'tayar' swings.i missed dos days when girls n boys are equal and carefree.play police and thieves....donoe y ah..but...i wish i was a kid once again..
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| boredom kills you. |
[28 May 2003|12:51am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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alkaline trio - goodbye forever |
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well..i dun see much of my friends using blurty.coz mostly are using blogspots,pitas,diarylands and L J.but NONE uses blurty.i never know y.i dont even noe of any singaporeans using blurty.any singaporeans raise ur hands....bleargh~..im trying to study for my final theory.it's a dumb test to take b4 u can go practice for ur driving b4 u can earn urself d licence...troublesome....
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| creepy |
[27 May 2003|09:18pm] |
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mood |
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 weird |
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music |
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aqua lung - strange and beautiful |
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so, how many of u believe in spirits? i do. its not dat i recently believed in it. i was brought up to believe spirits do exist. i got into encounter wt some at times but none creeps me out like d way things happened yesterday.
me, mahen and man was suppose to discuss specialist project. we were then joined by nanie. mahen was telling us dat he did not believe in such thing and so i suggested we play spirit of the coin or commonly known as oujia board. d diff is we dont spent dollars to get d board, instead we drew up d board on my notebook and took out a $1 coin and placed our fingers. we were laughing and didnt expect anything to happen until d coin moved. i swear by my mum d coin moved. we asked each other who moved, all denied. i placed my fingers gently and i could sense its presence.my hair stood on end. we start to ask qns, one by one asked and i begin to tremble. i can see fear in everyone's face. i almost cried when IT said dat IT was sitting beside me. I was reali shaking and wanted to stop it but IT does not want to go home. we asked qns and some stoopid ones to eased our discomfort. after a long time, den IT decides to go home. i do not want to go on detail coz i m still shakened by d event. after d whole thing, no one said anything. all of us were in shocked. i was reali afraid especially when IT said dat IT was goin to follow all of us home. IT seemed like an angry soul. I SWEAR OFF THESE THINGS MAN! Im not goin to meddle wt dis kinda thing EVER! once is enuff...
as soon as i reached home i cleansed myself and prayed. da was d first time i ever did after such a long time. yes, i do believe in Allah but i dont practise it often. but watever it is, d event changed my perception of certain stuffs.
but wat IT said is true sumhow... "Death is Painful..."
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