no excuses;
no apologies;
no regrets
i never meant to create you...

; fake
; lies
...only mayhem


;mon aug 25 03;2:05pm;






Sorry for lack of updates.. I've been updating my livejournal regularly though..

http://www.livejournal.com/~whitebloodcells

4|Cross Out The Eyes

rygjwertjegbdrhjgdbh I HATE YOU

;thu jul 31 03;11:00am;




{music | Kill Hannah ;; Unwanted}

WHY DO YOU ALL GO AND DO STUPID SHIT LIKE RUN AWAY AND HAVE TO BE SENT TO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE YOU SMOKED TOO MUCH FUCKING POT??? WHY DO YOU CONSTANTLY GET OTHERS IN TROUBLE BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPIDITY?
IT'S REALLY GREAT BEING WOKEN UP BY THE COPS AT 10 AM AND GETTING YELLED AT BY OTHER PEOPLES MOTHERS. LADY, I'M NOT HIDING YOUR GODDAMN SON. I JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO FUCKING SLEEP. AND DONT TELL ME WHO I SHOULD 'STAY AWAY FROM' BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. BEFORE YOU FLIP OUT, TELLING OTHER PARENTS ABOUT CHILDREN WHO ARE NOT YOUR CONCERN, GET YOUR FUCKING FACTS STRAIGHT.
GOOD FUCKING JOB EVERYONE, KUDOS, REALLY.
THERE GOES THE FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD.

3|Cross Out The Eyes

rygjwertjegbdrhjgdbh I HATE YOU

;thu jul 31 03;10:59am;




{music | Kill Hannah ;; Unwanted}

WHY DO YOU ALL GO AND DO STUPID SHIT LIKE RUN AWAY AND HAVE TO BE SENT TO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE YOU SMOKED TOO MUCH FUCKING POT??? WHY DO YOU CONSTANTLY GET OTHERS IN TROUBLE BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPIDITY?
IT'S REALLY GREAT BEING WOKEN UP BY THE COPS AT 10 AM AND GETTING YELLED AT BY OTHER PEOPLES MOTHERS. LADY, I'M NOT HIDING YOUR GODDAMN SON. I JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO FUCKING SLEEP. AND DONT TELL ME WHO I SHOULD 'STAY AWAY FROM' BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. BEFORE YOU FLIP OUT, TELLING OTHER PARENTS ABOUT CHILDREN WHO ARE NOT YOUR CONCERN, GET YOUR FUCKING FACTS STRAIGHT.
GOOD FUCKING JOB EVERYONE, KUDOS, REALLY.
THERE GOES THE FUCKING NEIGHBORHOOD.

Cross Out The Eyes

Lay me down to crawl.

;wed jul 23 03;5:11pm;




{mood | awake}

{music | Burger Queen - Placebo}

Dear god I hope I don't have mono.
What a way to fuck up my summer. Stupid children, kissing all the dirty people then sharing cereal spoons with unsuspecting little girls.
Ugh.
Anyway.
I miss everyone. Since I got back I've been hibernating in my room, well besides the night I gt back when I went to Rachels.
I want my life back 'cause I'm bored.

My freanch cousins are coming over tonight and I'm fearing for my possesions. I assume the first thing they'll do is break my guitar before proceeding to my room and getting into things they shouldn't. Oi.

Who's coming to see the explosion with me tomorrow night?

My feet are really dirty. I definetly need a bath.

2|Cross Out The Eyes

Lay me down to crawl.

;wed jul 23 03;5:11pm;




{mood | awake}

{music | Burger Queen - Placebo}

Dear god I hope I don't have mono.
What a way to fuck up my summer. Stupid children, kissing all the dirty people then sharing cereal spoons with unsuspecting little girls.
Ugh.
Anyway.
I miss everyone. Since I got back I've been hibernating in my room, well besides the night I gt back when I went to Rachels.
I want my life back 'cause I'm bored.

My freanch cousins are coming over tonight and I'm fearing for my possesions. I assume the first thing they'll do is break my guitar before proceeding to my room and getting into things they shouldn't. Oi.

Who's coming to see the explosion with me tomorrow night?

My feet are really dirty. I definetly need a bath.

Cross Out The Eyes


;tue jul 22 03;8:08pm;




{mood | accomplished}

{music | One foot in front of the other - Bright eyes}

I confess that this journal has been very neglected. Sorry for not commenting on any of your entries, or even reading them, 'cause I've been away.
I'll really try and keep up with this crap from now on.

Anyway. How's your summer been?

3|Cross Out The Eyes

Venom engulfs the most precious fairytales.

;wed jun 25 03;12:41pm;




{mood | annoyed}

{music | a static lullaby - nightmares win}

Wow how long has it fucking been since i posted?
I'm really sorry abut that, i never feel like writing here anymore..
Anything just seems hard lately: packing for camp, doing the fucking dishes, anything requiring me to get up. It's not just cause im lazy so fuck you mom for wanting to kick me out of the house. fuck you all for not understanding even though you'll never be able too. fuck you max for being mad at me. i wish you'd talk to me rather than me having to find out whats going on in your fucking journal. yes that's whats inspired me to write here today, the lack of communication between my friendships.
honestly, if you consider someone as your friend, best friend even, you should be able to talk to them no matter what.
no max this is not only directed at you but take a moment to fucking soak it in.
im sorry things got fucked up for you
im sorry i love you too much to let you fuck yourself up
im sorry ive been a self absorbed bitch lately, only sitting at home online. but my dear friends, you couldnt understand. the longing and the frusteration maybe, but not how it is in my head.
im sick of fucking feeling someone elses emotions and im sick of watching my life pass me by.

oh did i tell you i got a job? i work for the knitting factory now and the pay is i can possibly get into shows all over ny on gust list. i do flyer jobs and whatnot and i have to find friends to do it with me if i want.
yes mother that is the most productive thing ive done with my life lately and you dont seem to give a shit. im sorry im not packed for camp yet im sorry you feel abused im sorry you want me to move in with dad when i get back from camp im sorry
yeah and i know youre reading this dad, whatever.
as you can tell im not in the greatest mood, but honestly when am i ever feeling 100%?
my grades went down this year for the same reasons as before, apathy.
i just really dont care anymore.
i dont know whats wrong with me but i have no motivation in life.
it's funny how everyone just thinks im being lazy, playing this game all the time on AIM & LJ thinking im just obsessed. well fuck you for jumping to conclusions and not looking deeper into the matter.
im not even going to get into it here because my thoughts are not safe.

i dont think i can even write my own name any more..
igherhg

wow if you read that youre fucking bored.

12|Cross Out The Eyes

I still believe

;sun jun 8 03;7:43pm;




{music | *A Great Pretending* | Paulson}

Okay, here's the deal.
I'm thinking of making this friends only, just thinking about it.
But I need to clean out my friends page.
I don't want to just delete people because then I'd feel bad, so here's what I'm doing:
WHOEVER FEELS THE NEED TO READ ABOUT MY LIFE, PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT AND YOU WILL NOT BE DELETED.
WHOEVER DOES NOT COMMENT WILL BE.

Later Lovers.

8|Cross Out The Eyes

Swallow and forget

;sun jun 8 03;5:39pm;




{mood | blah}

{music | a static lullaby - a sip of wine chased with cynide}

roonish louie:%09this spelling lacks compassion
roonish louie:%09like you
roonish louie:%09bye

Well that was nice...
I really don't understand why things have to be this way.

Sorry that I have completly detactched myself from this journal. I'm trying to catch up and comment and everything but it's hard. I may just go through my friends list and delete people but then I'd feel bad etc.

I feel like ive been stabbed in the back and had my legs broken. I got so beat up at the show last night.
People were in and out of my house til 6am and that bothered the hell out of me because I just wanted to sleep. Whatever it was fun anyway.

I leave for camp soon, how weird is that.

Who wants to make me new icons cause I'm lazy?

Cross Out The Eyes

Stand behind bullet proof glass, exchanging our affections througha drawer.

;wed may 28 03;12:40pm;




{mood | pthhhhhhppp}

{music | *Make War* | Bright Eyes}

Home 'cause mom woke me up late and I don't feel good.
I've missed way too many days of school this year :/ I hope they don't fail me.

dont know what to write...

the nights here are cold
and i can always rely on you
but now your room is just as bitter
the smell of you lingering in the air
my fingers find the light switch
but the bulb seems to have burnt out
i'll bury my face to hide the tears
to soak up every last breath
and i'll take a piece of your gum
'cause i know that you'd share
and i'll stay for just a little longer
to let you know i care


god i suck at that. wooow.

3|Cross Out The Eyes

Fuck you rude, gay, white boys out there.

;mon may 26 03;11:18pm;




{mood | ow}

{music | *White Boy* | Bikini Kill}

It's funny how you watch someone jump from being all over one person one day and then the next doing the exact same thing with someone else.
It's also funny how 22 year old drunk men wont get into the ambulance even though a piece of their chin is falling out.
Another thing, it's funny how i have a huge fucking bump on my head and my throat hurts.

Ahh, punk shows.

3|Cross Out The Eyes

These are the questions answers, this is my life on tape.

;sun may 25 03;12:11pm;




{mood | aggravated}

{music | *Night Fall* | Paulson}

(Stolen from beckish)
"You can assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." (Anne Lamott)

"I think extreme homosexuality is a perversion" (Margaret Mead)
"More people have been slaughtered in the name of religion than for any other single cause. That, my friends, is the true perversion." (Harvey Milk)

"It may be an academically interesting puzzle as to why we are gay... but it is much more interesting and important to find out why we are homophobic." (Prof. Peter Nardi, GLAAD/LA)

"If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello, can't work today. Still queer." " (Stephanie Strong)

"When I was in the military they gave me a medal for killing two men, and a discharge for loving one." (Tombstone of a gay Vietnam soldier)


I hate you guys. yeah you know who you are. "sleeping over at graces house" DOES NOT mean take off at 5:30 am while grace is sleeping, waking her mom AND leaving her alone the next morning.
god you fucking suck.
dont talk.

Cross Out The Eyes

One of us.

;thu may 22 03;10:04pm;




{mood | awake}

{music | *Dope Show* | Marilyn Manson}

Goddamn. My journal sucks balls. Why the fuck do you bother reading this crap?

7|Cross Out The Eyes

And don't forget the violence.

;thu may 22 03;4:36pm;




{mood | blank}

{music | *Para Noir*| Marilyn Manson}

Fuck you because I loved you.
Fuck you for lovin' it too.
I don't need a reason to hate you the way I do.

-M.M-

Goddamn. I'm sorry for never writing anymore.. it's all sophies fault for getting me into MBP.
Ag.

The days seem to drag on and on and I just want school to be over.
I want it to be summer but i don't want to go to camp for the month that im going. if summer was an extra month long and everyone, no matter what, went away that month, then i'd be fine. but no. I have to miss great shows and great fun while im gone.
i feel so pathetic that my life now revolves around this RPG and i feel so stongly twoards it. its sad really.
ugh, i am going to have no fucking money this summer.
mother says "if you want to go out and have fun then you have to make your own money"
now you see mother dearest, i do agree but while im out making the money to have fun, the fun will be happening. so then whats the point of making the money then?

since bright eyes on apr 30th ive gone to the following:
LOC at the temple (got shut down..of course)
dashboard (dont make fun)
and...
TUESDAY I WENT TO SEE QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE AND RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS
.......FOR FREEEEE!!!!!
max's mom gave me rachels ticket for free cause rachel was sick.
god it was amazing.

heres a shitty poem i scribbled down in class yesterday:
pellets of crystel
blacken these city skies
they shatter our attempt of bloom
and tell us to stay sheilded from the sun
your anal-retentive guidlines
were not meant to be followed by me
and these crators from the raindrops
make my secluded playground
where i make the rules in which you follow
we'll hold duels between warriors
and silly switchblade boards
these streets can hold your finest dreams
your deepest secrets
we make the laws now
the world is our cherry
our tounge-tied knot 3 times
we'll break free of your shackles
and bind you to your own game
how does it feel to be beaten? to lose that trophy and all you've worked for?
i don't even have to ask.


what the fuck it sounds so crappy. well it sounded better the first time i thought it up in my head. damn it.
ah, what the hell. lets have a crappy petry fest:

my whole life i've never wanted more
then to be under these sheets with you
your perfect whore
im lying here in your freckled arms
yet ive never been further from your heart
and what i wouldn't give to get close to that prize.
id rather be a million miles from your body
and know that im the one
then give in to your listless games
and lie myself to sleep.

i dont think that ones finished anyway...

my lungs will bleed
your smoking soul
my life is yours
your hands to hold.
shackled to your bloody cross
the splinters thread my skin
the people repeatedly questioning:
"who's your god now?"


right y'all. Im out.
hit me up, comment style.

Cross Out The Eyes

Oi

;mon may 19 03;7:01pm;




{music | frail - finch}

I havent been updating like woah...

dont make fun but last night i went and saw dashboard across the street and since its a small place, it was great.

sorry about this whole not updating.. ive been sucked in to Must be pop on LJ.
dont ask.

2|Cross Out The Eyes

Tastes so smooth it hits you quicker.

;tue may 13 03;11:48pm;




{mood | blajhgfhjwer}

{music | black balloon - goo goo dolls}

So im off to boston for a few days with my school
:-/
Hit me up wit some lovin'

3|Cross Out The Eyes

It hurts me thinking

;thu may 8 03;9:38pm;




{mood | i love the opening to thissong}

{music | *Dirty Boots* | Sonic Youth}

the gerard way: the sour liquid candy i spilled on my desk a few days ago
the gerard way: now that it had kinda hardened
the gerard way: it resembles the united states
bruised evils: ahahaha
the gerard way: no seriously
the gerard way: florida is missing though
the gerard way: and maine
bruised evils: rofl
the gerard way: but seriously
the gerard way: if you just picture them there
the gerard way: its like woah
bruised evils: lol
the gerard way: im going to take a picture
the gerard way: so you will believe me lol
bruised evils: rofl ahahhhahaha

(the gerard way is me on my game SN btw)

its my weekend this weekend lol. only max will understand that.
and yay Leftover crack too!

so a little while ago i got a very disturbing IM:

downwitakrown420: fags burn in hell, fag lover

and it makes me sick to my stomache.
im pretty sure it was chris q but he hasnt said anything for a while.. wy would he IM me now? i really dont know who it is though. ugh sick fucks

Cross Out The Eyes

You are not the one to play God enough to say, my heart beats for you

;thu may 8 03;5:04pm;




{mood | crappy}

{music | *Better State Of Mind* | 3}

i honestly think i may just break down at any minute
it hasnt really hit me quite yet, but i know it will once i go into his room and smell that roi smell. i will lye on his bed and look up at the scribbles on his celing that all say the same sentance. ill wear his pants... he promised me & elana he'd give us something that smelled like him before he went away again.. but do i get to say goodbye? no. just like usual. i feel like im always the last fucking person to know things and nothing is fucking fair. i bet he did it with one of his cleavers. they even had to use tazors to get him out of the house. when ill see him? who the fuck knowes. i bet one day everyone will know he's coming back except me. then WOAH hes gone once again. either fucking stay here or stay gone.
fuck i dont mean that.
i want him to bee better and here.
im sorry for being selfish for wanting him to stay here.
im sorry.
im sorry for only thinking of my fucking self.
why do people have to go away.
why am i so selfish.

Cross Out The Eyes

Disrespecting the father son and holy ghost

;wed may 7 03;4:15pm;




{mood | arrgh}

{music | *a perfect sonnet* | Bright Eyes}

(the gerard way is me on a different screen name)

eyeownkatz:%09GOD LUACS IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE
eyeownkatz:%09i want to beat him with a metal pole
eyeownkatz:%09and kill him
eyeownkatz:%09bash in his brain
the gerard way:%09lol
eyeownkatz:%09maybe do my own surgery for that brain tumor of his
the gerard way:%09lol
the gerard way:%09hahahha
the gerard way:%09lmao
eyeownkatz:%09which we all know is just extra fat seeping into his skull
the gerard way:%09LMFWAO

wtf now everybody getting mad at me cause i yelled at lucas?
dont fucking hang up on me when its not even your goddamn phone, yeah you know who you are.
go choke on a dick.

i do not need this right now.
yes i fucking rememeber what happened BECAUSE I WAS THERE, REMEMEBER???
I CLEANED UP YOUR FUCKING MESS.

ugh good job on fucking everyones life up... AGAIN.

Cross Out The Eyes

Cops&Queers

;wed may 7 03;1:20pm;




{mood | serysfhsdfh}

{music | *Dope Show* | Marilyn Manson}

more boredness:


Describe yourself using only song titles.

Are you male or female? I'm just a girl (no doubt)

Describe yourself: somewhat damaged (NIN)

How do some people feel about you?: it doesn't matter (alison krauss&union station)

How do you feel about yourself?: conceived through an act of violence (hatebreed)

Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: so impossible (dashboard confessional) &&& die, die my darling (misfits)

Where would you rather be?: another day (dont look down)

Describe what you want to be: here to stay (korn)

Describe how you live: from a balance beam (bright eyes)

Describe how you love: fucking hostile (pantera) &&& what if (plain white t's)

Share a few words of wisdom: get your filthy hands off my desert (pink floyd)

Cross Out The Eyes

You and me and a bottle of wine

;wed may 7 03;12:32pm;




{mood | blah}

{music | *Inward Singing* | Tenacious D}

Fill it out or die bitch

1. when and how did we meet:
2. have you ever seen me with my shirt off:
3. have you ever seen me cry:
4. describe me in four adjectives:
5. if we could spend a day together what would we do:
6. have we ever gotten in a fight:
7. if you could give me a present what would it be:
9. what do you really think of me:
10. have we ever kissed:
11. has there ever been anything you wanted to tell me, but were scared to:
12. wanna make out:
13. name one thing you dont like about me:


oh and LMFWAO check this shizzle out:
http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html

3|Cross Out The Eyes

Let me get your hand to write on

;wed may 7 03;11:49am;




{music | *Ride Into The Sun* | The Velvet Underground}

been home sick yesterday and today with a sinus infection and queer as folk (;D)

anyone wanna bring me tea and cookies besides jesse malin?
(sorry.. mbp joke..)

im so tired.. i dont want to ever go to school again out of lack of enthusieasim (wow i so spelled that wrong)

he is so confusing. i hate it. and you know he is. he does the same to you. it fucks with you doesn't it?

my cat is seriously giving me evil looks. make him stop.

so bored... someone talk to me.

if this works then i am god )

3|Cross Out The Eyes

I came to represent and carve my name within your chest

;mon may 5 03;6:28pm;




{mood | blah}

{music | *Perfect Drug* | NIN}

Warning: I am acctually postig quizzes. Beware.
I am Johnny the Homicidal Maniac.



Which Serial Killer are you? Take the Serial Killer Test




What Psych-Ward do you belong to?

...hahah...
You are COCAINE!
You are COCAINE! You are one of the most addicting
drugs out there! In addition to making most
people very hyper and horny, people have been
known to overdose on you! You're also too damn
expensive!



You are ACID! You've been around since hippies
have been smoking weed, but you're a tad more
dangerous. You come in many forms, including
paper tabs, geltabs, and liquid. People often
risk having a bad trip when ingesting you, but
the hallucinations and all-night trips are well
worth the risks!


Which Popular ILLEGAL DRUG Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i accidentally spilled sour liquid candy all over my desk. i tried sucking it back up with the dropper but its just not working. come summer and ill have 78923567823456 more ants. yumm ants.

ok update
wednesday - went to BRIGHT EYES with sophie and my god. you dont understand it until you see it. ahh. coner was a dick to me after the show but the bassist from the openers was on my block on the way home andwe talked about the stupid teenie boppers who rape him which is why he shuns fans. whatever.
if you were there i was one of the people holding the drawn-on condoms hah.
2 big men max and soren stroll into her house at 2:30 am..
soren was breathing on me so rachel told me to hold his nose shut. he jupms up and goes "OHHH MY GOD. OH MY GOD NO."
&we were going to smother him if that bastard snored.

sunday went to claires b-day party and played lazer tag lol. that was very liberating.
i hung out with ghetto kids valentino, kam and some others after and i have found a liking for 50 cent. :-/

"so maybe i should put a little cloud around the answer.. yeah thats it. how ya like that cloud? and maybe if your me you'll put a little heart next to it cause you're um.. psycho."
*throwes plastic bull and it hits nicky in the face*"nicky, go to the bathroom, or fool around in the hall cause i dont wanna see you for at least five minutes"
-ben (my math teaher)

WHAT UP BLOOD
WHAT UP CUZ
WHAT UP GANGSTAH


all this liberation make grace sleepy.

Cross Out The Eyes

All my life I never wanted to cause pain to anyone, but these words are in vain.

;tue apr 29 03;6:26pm;




{mood | your mom}

{music | "placebo" - kindey theives}

How do you know that you are still alive? Or if you were ever alive?
At least people in the hospital have little screens that tell them that.
I want something to tell me how dead I am or if I even exist. But what if the screen doesn't really exist either and it's all a lie?
We lie ourselves to sleep thinking that we are real, pure, loved... but does that justify the way we sleep so soundly?
I want to know that I am alive, real and here, not by a beep from a machine.
You hurt, but that means you still feel. You feed, but that means you still need, desire, yearn. What would it take to prove to me that everything wasn't a lie? That all I ever lived for was for nothing? I want you to tell me: Do you toss and turn under those binding sheets? 'Cause I can't sleep a wink. I wish these scars could tell me the truth that screen holds, but I can't decipher the codes. I need the fucking truth.
The one thing that I know is real is the bullshit.
Hey, at least pain is interesting.

5|Cross Out The Eyes

Burn the witches

;tue apr 29 03;4:46pm;




{mood | accomplished}

{music | breathe - prodigy}

There she stands
Broken in and lonely
Torn open to a bittersweet inside
A shattered heart of glass
Suffocated lungs of black
She's parted with her innocence
Seemingly dead
From what she is now
A blur of who she used to be


wrote that about 5 or 6 weeks ago...
tell me whatcha think mother fuckers.

2|Cross Out The Eyes

I don't think you know how bad it hurts 'cause you don't have to see the scars.

;mon apr 28 03;6:40pm;




{mood | apathetic}

{music | *Most Unfortunate* | Paulson}

Christ. I have so much work to do. I hate not being able to focus on work and then wandering off into nonsense. All i want to do is lye up in my bed and watch endless episodes of queer as folk.
dan always cheers me up. I wish he would come to the US. stupid london.
You are Mary Bell.
You are Mary Bell. At the ripe old age of 10 you
strangled a neighbor boy, afterwhich you carved
your initals into his skin. At his funreal you
laughed. Your next victim was a 3 year old. You
pushed him off the roof, resulting in a broken
skull. After he was found you went to his
mothers house and asked to see him, she replied
tha t he was dead. You smiled brightly and said
'Oh, I know he's dead. I wanted to see him in
his coffin."
You horrid little girl you.
-smacks your hand-


Which Imfamous criminal are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Stevo
You Are Stevo!


Which SLC Punk are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
leanora called me fat today. then she asked me to be in her band. i told her i would only be in it if she shaved her head and i would play her head.

FireFish293:%09i'm in the process of making it up
M as in MORON:%09dammit sko, i was counting on you!!
M as in MORON:%09lol
FireFish293:%09lol
FireFish293:%09that's not good, cuz i was also kind of subconciously counting on you
M as in MORON:%09ahhhh
FireFish293:%09only i probably spelled that wrong

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

i expect ryan to be ready with a good bedtime story when i call.
if only i can remmember the number.


YO FUCK
I DIDNT EVEN TELL YOU GUYS.
SHIT.
RYAN IS BACK!!!!
hah. it was totally unexpected too. last wednesday. oh god i was so fucking happy.
hes leaving again soon though, but he will leave me something that smells like him.
:)

3|Cross Out The Eyes

Save the last dance for me.

;sun apr 27 03;12:28pm;




{music | thrice}

stuck at home since the night before last...
WITH NO CIGARETTES.
it is resulting to me stealing tobacco from mother dearest.
i think i just might collapse in pain..
...or wait, is that the lung cancer kicking in?

8|Cross Out The Eyes

Do they have radios in heaven?

;sat apr 26 03;8:25pm;




{mood | blah}

{music | "a lonely september" - PWTs}

Ah, sorry I havent written in a while.
Spring break laziness.
Well, i went to Skate n surf yesterday! it was like christmas.
most of the bands i went to see all remembered me from old shows and gave me free stuff. i have so much free stuff yay. plus merch guys were hitting on me. then there was this cute kid named chris who started talking to me during TSL and he kinda followed me for a bit. it was cute.
ahh PWTs are my boys. so are mae (even if i dont love their music) and MCR. hah. they all love me and good lord how i love them.

im too lazy to write plus i have been procrastinating wee too much, later.

1|Cross Out The Eyes

And you can have it all, my empire of dirt.

;thu apr 17 03;10:27pm;




{mood | hungry}

{music | NIN - Hurt}

So I'm walking down the street right after leaving sophie's, im still on her block when guess who I see?

Randy Harrison!!!
I was like "..is that..oh god it IS!!--Hey, you play Justin Taylor on queer As Folk, right??" and he was on his cell phone so it took him a sec to answer but then he was like "Yeah." and then I said "i fucking love your show!" He seemed kindof annoyed but he said "Thank you but I'm on the phone an rushing home, sorry."

for the rest of the day i was all giddy.
...
I KN0OW WHERE HE LIVES MWAHAHAH...
yes.

3|Cross Out The Eyes

WHERE'S THE BEEF??

;wed apr 16 03;4:17pm;




{mood | amused}

{music | chama-chama-chama-chameleooonnn}

Me and sophie are watching "i <3 the 80's" on mtv
its so great
michael jackson comes on and i say real loud:
"WAIT, MICHAEL JACKSON WAS BLACK??"
then i was doing the robot on her excersize machine and i almost flipped it over.

I MISS WALLY WALL WALKERS!!!
I MISS HE MAN

haha. reagen. you fucker.

4|Cross Out The Eyes

Reminders of the youth we lost.

;wed apr 16 03;2:49pm;




{mood | crazy}

{music | Keepsake - Ticket to russia}

IM GOING TO POST THIS ONE LAST TIME AND I WANNA SEE SOME COMMENTS!!!!

I ____ Grace.
Grace is ____.
If I were alone in a room with Grace, I would _______.
I think Grace should _____.
Grace needs ______.
I want to ____________ Grace.
Someday Grace will ________.
Grace reminds me of _______.
Without Grace _______.
Memories of Grace are ________.
Grace can be __________.
__________ is how I describe meeting Grace.
Worst thing about Grace is _________.
Best thing about Grace is _________.
I am ________ with Grace.
I am ________ without Grace.

3|Cross Out The Eyes

The only medicine I ever needed was you

;wed apr 16 03;2:46pm;




{mood | hot}

{music | Glasseater - Medicine}

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?"
-Chris Rock

(stole that from laura <3)

im in jewville. yes. outter queens. oi vey.
lol. im having passover dinner with sophie's family and i really hope that i am not the youngest because i do not wanna read. ;;x
i have the new and improved good charlotte song right here holmes:
"casterate meeeeee......."
ahh yess.

oh ___ is so beautiful.
my god.
i cant stand it.

so i guess you all hated my stupid poem/song/whatever.
I SEE HOW IT IS.
i miss ryan.

Cross Out The Eyes

This is the house, built of sin.

;tue apr 15 03;5:55pm;




{mood | blah}

{music | *Fever* | Peggy Lee}

This song reminds me too much of sofia. so does the new system cd and her mix cd which has the song "come on ta my house, my house a-come on" which they use in a commercial now. they remind me of that whole weekend. what a fucking depressing weekend that was:
-when jeremiah left
-the efraim problem
-the ms 51 plays
-last time i ever saw sofia
i start to think about how she was such a bitch to lots of people who were close to me and then i also think "oh well we werent that close" and then i remember times when it was just me and her. us walking to her house and talking about jeremiah and henry, when i spent the time with her at rehearsal...fuck. i know how evil she was (and still is apparently) to jeanette, but i cant help missing her. when me her and rachel played dressup to this song, went on the picnic with lunchables and played this song all dressed up in 50's clothing. goddamnit.i really miss her. i miss everyone who has been taken from me.
i wrote this today and i dont care if it fucking sucks, its how i feel:

I miss your scent
i miss your laugh
your smell has faded from my pillow
and all that's left is silence
stealing your clothes when mine were dirty
(or maybe not cool enough)
i'll never give them up
'cause that's all i have left
but why am i forced to live my past
in courderoys and photographs
our times together would never last
i wonder now who's got the last laugh
your room is cold
-guitar unplayed
all those times i left, i should have stayed
the smell of smoke has faded
the days were numbered
but no one would tell me
but why am i forced to live my life
through a dream at night and lie by day
i miss the times when i'd hear you say
all the right things
now that you're gone
i miss you asking for my last cigarette
now that you're gone
there's just sme things i'll never get
now that you're gone
intoxication won't ever be the same
now that you're gone
there's no one else to put the blame
now that you're gone
bleeding through, needing you
this musty smell of a memory box
has gotten old to me
and i want it all back


im thinking of scanning some pics later, but of what?
tomorrow is the last day before break, yay

Cross Out The Eyes

I can't live my life always worryin about 'What if"

;mon apr 14 03;6:29pm;




{mood | blah}

{music | *Sign Of The Times* | Thought Riot}

Blah.
I'm going to Sophie's grandparents for passover on wednesday. Her family is so funny, it reminds me of mine too only soberer ahah. It would be fucking hilarious if Ali came but i'm afraid his dad would lynch us. oh my.
yes so i have a painful bump over my eye.mmm.
i was thinking alot about me and him today. we were never together but i still miss us. at least i miss the way things were. its all just really depressing that all this shit can happen to you and there is nothing that you can do. fuck i dont wanna talk about this now, it will only make me sad.
friday a bunch of us went to see house of 1000 corpses and it was sick, gorey and twisted. i loved it.
i was joking around "aiight aiight, this is maybe a 'property area' of 998 corpses" hahhaa
"and especially FUCK YOU".
im out.

Cross Out The Eyes

How many punks does it take to change a lightbulb?

;sun apr 13 03;9:53pm;




{mood | Pain}

{music | *Swallowed* | Bush}

good weekend. yes. mmmm. ;)
saturday we went to coney island for dorys birthday. that was fun. then a bunch of people slept at my house.
m,mmmm yes.

so i went to the continental today to see plain white ts, mae, dont look down, one true thing and allister.
it was a great show.
first plain white ts went on and as usual, they kicked ass. i was hanging out with tom and steve after the show also.
second was MAE. i think they're decent. i mean, they dont totally blow me away but the guys were sweet as hell. i talked to one of them for a while and also their bassist gave me a free pin without me asking. he just tapped me on the shoulder and gave me a real sweet smile and said "here". hes so prettty. kinda reminds me of R2K from finch only blonde.
third was dont look down. ahh i love those guys to death. theyre always awesome to me. thats when the crowd started moving and it was great.i was the only girl in the fucking pit and i was so happy there was some life in the crowd. later on this kid steven was like "dude you were fucking awesome in the pit" haha
fourth was one true thing and that girls voice always makes my ears hurt. even whan she plays with autumn to ashes it hurts. its so ...ahhh. anyway
finnaly allister came on and before i had been talking to tim and scott and tim sounded drunk haha.
allisters set was awesome as always and they played all the songs i love.during their set, in the pit i got head butted and i fell over and it hurt like a bitch. but when the guy helped me up he came and got me ice and helped me out. it was sweet. i couldnt feel half my head though. tom (from PWTs) was like "what the fuck? are you OKAY???"
hah everybody is so sweet.

IS ANYONE AS PISSED ABOUT THE SMOKING BAN AS ME?

zombie vandals are playing accross the street (knitting factory) and leanora and pretty boy are there and... zommmbbiiie vaaannddaalsss.
...yet i am in so much pain.

3|Cross Out The Eyes

I'll die in here, just to be safe.

;thu apr 10 03;8:20pm;




{mood | procrastinational... is that a}

{music | *Dirty Boots* | Sonic Youth}

So max and leanora came over after school today.
we watched grease, then me and leanora went to duane read all dressed up.

i wish i could wite more in these things. but last time i did, teachers and parents found it and.. well.. grace was in trouble. haha. what a loser i am.

yay tomorow is friday. yay wednesday is spring break. yay report cards... oh wait a minute...

Cross Out The Eyes

Give it to me raw.

;tue apr 8 03;4:53pm;




{mood | lonely}

{music | //House of 1000 Corpses// | \\Rob Zombie\\}

Friends Of Mine Who Are Sent Away:
Jeremiah - On his 2nd time away in rehab. Will be back I think July 7th.
Ryan - Just found out that he's only in Bellview (mental hospital) so he's close and will be back soon.. I hope.
Zoe - Not sure what kind of place but I do know she took all of Ryan's meds and is now gone.
Sofia - Boarding School/Rehab. Most likely never seeing her again.
Cecily - Miss he to death. She was in the mental hospital (same as ryan -the other place he was- when they were going out. Now they are again.) but I think they moved her to boarding school now. I think she'll be back in the fall.

Others have moved away too.
Fuck I'm going to be left with nothing.

Cross Out The Eyes

It's a little penis come to visit you today.

;mon apr 7 03;8:33pm;




{mood | accomplished}

{music | //Grab The Mic// | \\Mindless Self Indulgence\\}

New icon....
pretty pretty
brian kinney
WEEEEEEEEE

2|Cross Out The Eyes

I smell something burnin, like a flag, like a rubber tire. What'ch you kids been cooking that's got

;mon apr 7 03;5:21pm;




{mood | i hate daylight savings time.}

{music | *Why do fat kids like Metallica* | TreePhort}

Ew ew ew.
So my friends are taking me to Skate N surf the friday and im all stoked for my chemical romance and plain white ts & coheed and cambria but saturdays show is SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER.
they already bought the tickets and are being fucking bitches.

WHAT THE FUCK ITS SNOWING.

Jeremiah is fucking gone and what an entrance he left with.
i love 'em and ill fucking miss him but that was such an asshole thing to do.
"yah im still dating 'whatsherface' and shes like obsessed with me and its scary'
HE SAID HE FUCKING LOVED HER.
3 months at rehab again.
fuck.
and if thats not as bad...
ryan is gone to.
my Rye rye.
decided to go back to the mental hospital. i mean. im not saying he shouldntve gone but none of us got to say g'bye and ill fucking miss him. more so than J because i know whats happening to J. i wish i knew what goes on in ryans head.
shit i wish i knew what goes on in everyones head.

fuck i dont even have any pics of ryan.
godamnit. i dont want to be sad.
im sick and fucking tired of feeling sad.
from now on its "fuck you all i want to be {somewhat} happy"
yeah right.

NO EXCUSES
NO APOLOGIES
NO REGRETS


godamit i miss cecily.

Cross Out The Eyes

No excuses, no apologies, no regrets.

;sun apr 6 03;6:56pm;




{mood | apathetic}

{music | "dried up, tied and dead to the world" Manson}



you are brian kinney!
Whether in the boardroom, the bedroom or the backroom, this hot,
heartbreaking ad exec tells it like it is…no apologies, no regrets.
Although his three favorite hobbies are sex, sex and sex,
he is also a man who is always there when his friends need him…
although he isn't always going to be nice about it.
find your queer
as folk personality
!


<333333
Yes I am having my Queer-A-Thon.
Last night me and mike had one, that was fun. watched about 6 episodes. then soren and max stayed over.
I am halfway through the first season and i have seen almost all of 2 and all of 3. Im on my way.
I fucking love gay guys.

me and soren walked around all day. nothing special.

Cross Out The Eyes

Take THAT vermen

;thu apr 3 03;8:16pm;




{music | autumn to ashes}

I think I should go give my mom a biiiig hug


...........and lice.
MMMM lice...

I think tomorrow I'll go and rub against all the ghettos with long hair...

1|Cross Out The Eyes

This song, I know it, you don't..

;thu apr 3 03;7:36pm;




{mood | sick}

{music | Leftover Crack X athiest anthem}

So my friends parents drove us all out to the Krome (from manhatten) for the show on saturday. It was awfully nice of them. I never travel for shows, but this is obviously an exception.

so the show was simply amazing as always. i was glad they played capital P & animal & bring the pain etc..
i got so worn out.
before the show i found a stoop sale and bought this cute doll and drew ohn her and cut her braids and made her evil. i called her Molly and wrote the lyrics all over her. under her skirt there is a girdle and fishnets and the word LIAR in red. i spiked her hair but it came out after a while. they all signed her. next time ill bring my Gir from invader zim doll. they all loved it and Lyn Z said i was beautiful.

Jimmy Urine gave me strep throat.

Cross Out The Eyes

this is my revenge

;thu apr 3 03;7:23pm;




{mood | scratchy}

{music | do unto others - MSI}

I ____ Grace.
Grace is ____.
If I were alone in a room with Grace, I would _______.
I think Grace should _____.
Grace needs ______.
I want to ____________ Grace.
Someday Grace will ________.
Grace reminds me of _______.
Without Grace _______.
Memories of Grace are ________.
Grace can be __________.
__________ is how I describe meeting Grace.
Worst thing about Grace is _________.
Best thing about Grace is _________.
I am ________ with Grace.

Jimmy urine gave me strep throat. I was out all week except today and im all better kinda.
Leanora gave me lice.
my mom is like "get away from me you gross girl"
and now shes afraid to lie on the couch.
ive never had lice before. at least i think i have lice. i dont wanna lie on my bed. im scared

bruised evils: i want to die
M as in MORON: no you dont
bruised evils: i do
M as in MORON: think of all the concerts you'd miss!

need some new msi icons.... ::hint::

2|Cross Out The Eyes

Emense yourself.

;thu mar 27 03;5:14pm;




{mood | ewww midtown was on mtv, that}

{music | *The Rebirth* | Boyhitscar}

Who got cable modem?
ME BABY.
OH YEAH.
i finnally got my christmas present from my mother and my dad's x-mas present, well im getting it next week hopefully.
speaking of my dad, he did one of those fill-out quizes and look at this one:
25. Best reason to wake up this morning: Gracie, no question
i love my dad. i truly do.

Cross Out The Eyes

And all the boys in the straight-edge scene are in the basement huffing gasoline.

;thu mar 27 03;5:12pm;




{mood | procrastical (is that a word?)}

{music | *wichcraft* | Rasputina}

Ten bands/artists you couldn't live without:
(these can change.. maybe)
[1] SoCo
[2] MSI
[3] 3
[4] My chemical romance
[5] boyhitscar
[6] NIN
[7] Paulson
[8] Leftover Crack
[9] Sonic Youth
[10] Manson
Nine albums that are important to you:
[1] SoCo - Leaving through the window
[2] MSI - all of them
[3] AQUA!!! yeah baby. so many memories..
[4] Alanis Morisette - jagged little pill, b/c it was the first cd i ever owned and my dad got it for me
[5] Hole - live through this
[6] 3 - Paint By Number
[7] RHCP - californiacation (.........)
[8] Buffy soundtrack, again, memories
[9] finch - what it is to burn
Eight movies you'd watch over and over:
[1] ghost world
[2] donnie darko
[3] goodfellas
[4] a clockwork orange
[5] moulin rouge
[6] nowhere
[7] pulp fiction
[8] slc punk
Seven things that annoy you:
[1] Closed Mindedness
[2] Labels
[3] People
[4] Sam
[5] Rules
[6] Bad reasons to hate something
[7] weight
Six of your favorite songs at this moment:
[1] bring the pain - MSI
[2] timberwolves at new jersey - TBS
[3] places that you've come to fear the most - dashboard
[4] headfirst for halos - MCR
[5] atheist anthem - leftover crack
[6] single white female - movielife
Five TV shows you watch the most:
[1] simpsons
[2] Queer As Folk
[3] buffy & angel
[4] south park
[5] six feet under
Three albums you've bought recently:
[1] atticus 2 (ehhh its not great)
[2] choking victim - crack rock steady
[3] new BSF
Two people that have influenced your life the most:
[1] my dad
[2] max
One thing you could spend the rest of your life with:
[1] Music. Easily.

Cross Out The Eyes

It doesn't matter who's in control now

;tue mar 25 03;8:28pm;




{mood | meh}

{music | ~New Radio~ | Bikini Kill}

01. i hurt: When I hear certain songs.
02. i love: it when someones arms are around me
03. i hate: stupidity
04. i cry: when i think about everything that's been taken from me.
05. i fear: my own streangth
06. i hope: that my secrets can stay safe
07. i sadden: when i think about it
08. i feel alone: when i am with a bunch of people
09. i kill: my lungs
10. i talk: too much. and with a lisp but i can usually control it, except when i say something with an 'x'
11. i listen: to everything that i wanna hear
12. i break: things
13. i see: details
14. i smell: cat piss cause my cats peed on ryans pants. sorry ryan
15. i taste: gum and reds
16. i work: all the time.. YEAH RIGHT.
17. i remember: everything
18. i hold: on to innocence but it's not working
19. i hide: when i want to be hidden
20. i pray: that one day someone could mutually love me so much for who i was and we could be crazy and madly together...
21. i walk: liek a fool
22. i drive: myself crazy
23. i read: what i want to
24. i burn: out
25. i breathe: out smoke
26: i play: music
27. i miss: innocence and ignorance
28. i touch: scars
29. i want: alot of things. i also want to have magic powers :)
30. i wish: to have magical power to do anything.
31. i know: that we all die eventually
32. i said: that i fucking hate waiting
33. i hope: that my parents dont come in while im smoking my cigarette
34. i have: a knowledge of love
36. i fall: easily
37. i wait: in vain
38. i need: someone
39. i live: for music
40. i die: for you

2|Cross Out The Eyes

"Do I look gay in this outfit?"

;mon mar 24 03;9:41pm;




{mood | sick}

{music | *Revenge (Live)* | Mindless Self Indulgence}

Paulson&MSI on saturday, this should be fun.

My mom called me frumpy.Hoe.
She's letting me skip school to go to the Die In on thursday @ rockafeller.
coool.

Max and ryan got me sick.
i sure as hell hope carter didnt give them mono. rememeber what i said about the park slope mode of transportation? yeah well its true.
ryan was like "hey grace, you know max got me sick" right after we shared a spoon, then he stuck the spoon in my soda and mixed it around.

I wanna go man-meat shopping with mike.
I love having a gay friend.
I love gay guys.
Seriously.
there is no way i could be a male specimen and be straight. No way.
lol- during gks practice today, soren showed us an old song he wrote and we asked him about a line and he goes "oh yeah, thats from when i thought i was gay."

Haha, ghettos are funny.

3|Cross Out The Eyes

Shut me down or just shut up.

;thu mar 20 03;5:55pm;




{mood | aggravated}

{music | *Retard Girl* | Hole}

I stole this from Wendy's journal, even if we dislike eachother, I definetly agree with this:

"Being yourself in more important then being different. Being Porpusly different doesn't that ur being urself. Finding ur innerself, inner style, inner potential, and being what you truly are, leds to the most unique person in the world because since everyone is different. Because no one can be you because there is only one you. There is no one here worthy for a useless game of competition. Don't spend ur time worrying about being different just for the sake of nothingness. Are they really happy? Why waste ur time being something else ur not just for the sake of being different. It just don't make any sense. Don't spend time purposely looking for a way to be different. It pisses me off seeing a kid liking some thing and hating it the next day because someone else likes it. It's just riduculous and insensble. It's the all sohphstication of an ignorant dumbass who don't understand the signifgance of the arts today. Be yourself and you will truely be different because not alot of people these days are themselves. So sad. "

Ok, maybe the grammar could be better but you know..

So all the kids in NYCpunks hate me now. Hah. Just cause I insulted Swivel. I said "faggot pants" because Leanoras term stuck with me. You all know how i never EVER use the word faggot. well they all got offended by everything i said and said i should die. Its not MY FAULT that Sam is an asshole and hated & judged me after seeing me for 2 seconds. i shouldve left with leanora when she screamed "ew" and wanted to go.

People are stupid. and i hate it.
People are stupid and that's why we are at war.
JUST TAKE OUT YOUR DICKS AND MEASURE THEM ALREADY.
THIS WOULD ALL BE OVER.

Fuck.

5|Cross Out The Eyes

Prince Alberts are the new FAD. Alert the press!!

;wed mar 19 03;5:47pm;




{mood | blah}

{music | MSI - Bring the Pain}

Andre got a prince albert today. oh god. i cant even think about the pain.
carter is getting one too.
he said he needs sex first. from anyone. he said maybe annie but she shouldnt get too excited cause a)carter will fuck anything female. and b)carter has mono.
that is bad because once one of us gets it... EVERYONE has got it.
i call it: the park slope mode of transportation.
and oh god. if i had it, or max.. POOR JIMMY URINE!! oh god!

so this weekend: fun fun, leftover crack show got cancelled right before their set. party afterwards, i was talking to stergin (lead singer) and the have been kicked out of almost all the clubs in NYC. so they will hardly play anymore.. here anyway. maybe they could just make it a choking victim show... slept at ryan&sorens...yeah

monday, kaitlyn went to the hospital. stomach pumped. ugh. stupid stupid stupid.
but band practice went well. we recorded it this time.
GKS, coolest band around.
tell all your friends.

sorry, just not in a typing mood.

Cross Out The Eyes

O.@

;thu mar 13 03;6:19pm;




{mood | aggravated}

{music | funeral for a friend}

That was the worst cigarette I have ever had to smoke out of my window.

First it makes me feel sick because i have to smoke it incredibly fast before mom gets home, then i put it down because i wanted to look at something online
AND IT FALLS OUT OF MY WINDOW.

good gracious i need NICOTINNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDKFJGAJDKG

1|Cross Out The Eyes

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