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Sunday, November 9th, 2003
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8:03 pm - i'm not saying that i do, i just wish that something was different
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well fuck mother fucker. i wish i could get out of this FUNK. went "out" with brock and tyler and rach on friday/saturday. basically,i was entertainment for brock. woo-hoo! anyway, they end up spending the night, fun? i end up falling asleep on brock and waking up every few hours. yout hink i completely trust a guy i just "met", especially one from the friggin dirty asty skate park? i think not! i'd just think of someone else and fall back asleep. i was smart though, never let him get close enough to kiss me. yuck. and besides, that's just not fair. why kiss some one if you're not thinking of them? people have done it to me, and it hurts. i'm one to get mean, but i don't fuck around when it comes that subject. anyway, "he really likes me"... blah blah blah..... i knwo what i want, it's just not mine to have. jesus fucking christ i need to snap out of it and get my head straight again. i'm still on the theory that if i ignore it, it'll get out of my life faster. maybe ignoring will help me to forget. let's cross our fingers and hope that i can get out of this. it's that fucking voice int he back of my head that keeps telling me to stick around. i want to, but i don't want to be stupid over it. blah fuck. i hope i find my place soon, then i can get rid of these damn cigarettes.
it's gonna be a great birthday. fuck me.
current mood: hopeless
current music: Dispatch - Walk Wth You
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| Tuesday, November 4th, 2003
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11:45 am
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16 days until i'm an "adult", why can't i have the one "adult" thing i want? fuck it, i'll just get pierced
current mood:  frustrated
current music: bad brains - stay close to me
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 1st, 2003
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9:20 pm
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i don't knwo what's going on. i want him so much,. i want to be all happy and bubbly again. it's fucking rocked. i knwo it wasn't for that long, but i'm so crushed that i'm speechless 99.9% of the time. it's not like me to be this way. i just want it all back. i hate the way i feel, i hate the way he makes me feel now. he's right there in front of me and there's not a god damn thing i can do about it. i feel like shit. i want my stone cold heart back. i try to ignore it all, but i can't. i hate that little voice inside my head that tells me to stay, longer here and MAYBE something will happen. yeah, kiss my fucking ass. nothing is going to happen. i'm here alone when i honestly thought i'd be on top of the fucking world. maybe this is more proof that i'm just one of those girls that never has one. a drifter. always by myself. penting up everything i'vce wanted to say to everyone, good or bad, and letting it out on my self. fuck yeah i overract. i can't help it. fuck all this chemistry bullshit, fuck all the things i felt and feel. i wish it woudl all just burn in hell and let me burn with it. i feel sick to my stomach when i think about it. i knew i shoudl of watche dmyself and not of fallen that quickly, but something told me it was ok to do that. another reason to never trust my intuition. i'm a fucking mess. everyone's getting the better of me when i shoudl be on top of things never letting any one know a god damn thing about me. i want to pull the covers over my and just sleep for days. maybe if i slept long enough, everything woudl heal on it';s own. i'm tired of crying myself to sleep. i want to know what's wrong with me. what makes me so unappealing? what makes every guy run away from me? i wish i knew. i woudl chaneg it all in a second if it woudl make everything ok again. i just want to be ok again.
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| Sunday, October 26th, 2003
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3:37 pm - everything happens for a reason
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here i am again, by myself. i knew it was coming, but i guess no matter how many times i said i knew, i never knew it woudl hurt this much. i think i was expecting to be used to it by now, but you never get used to it.
anyway, went to rachel's last night. see, that's a true friend right there. damn was i wrong a month ago. anyway, started my brand new smoking addiction. fuck sXe, i was missing out and i got a lot of making up to do. i swear, i can't wait to turn 18 now. sat outside and bitched and puffed, then bitched some more and puffed some more. got a call from steph and dani to come to the stadium. how sweet1 trying to get me with some other guy in less than 4 hours of being single. go there, make an ass out of myself infront of him. go me! rach got a call, party, much better. went there, want to go to UK now. by the way, cowboy hats fucking rock but guys with pierced dicks just scare the hell out of me. THAT'S NOT NATURAL! anyway, had a sip of the world's best "lemonade" fucking being the DD. next time, i get mine. steak and shake is awesome at 1 am, especially a double cocolate milkshake. who is the genius who decided to make a chocolate milkshake WITH chocolate ships in it not to mention a hella big chocolate chip cookie. too bad i only at the cookie andmaybe 3 spoon full of the shake. oh well. CRASHED and burned. damnit, i need a cig, now, please?
current mood:  numb
current music: incubus - are YOU in?
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